Page Two: Elf Abuse Hits Record High!
Page Three: A Foxy Lady.
Page Four: Slash Spirits Possess Agents!
Page Five: Fashion Column!
Page Six: Galadhrim: Exclusive Interview!
Page Seven: Letters.
Page Eight: New OFU!
Page Nine: [Insert Hallow'een-y thing here.]
Page Ten: LO of the Month.
Page Eleven: I'm too tired to do adverts. Maybe later.
Page Two.
“Elf Abuse Reaches New Levels”
“I just can’t cope”, says tearful victim
It was common belief that, once the movies were out of the theaters and off of the “New Releases” rack at Wal-Mart, that the abuse of canon in Lord of the Rings would lighten up. Many, indeed hoped that things would go back to the way they had once been; it’s hard for a fangirl to lust over a novel with no illustrations of her favorite elf, especially when said novel is written in an archaic neo-Germanist Hegemonic style. (Indeed, most fangirls can’t even say this.)
It was forgotten that “The Hobbit” was written to be an easier and more accessible read. It was also forgotten that boxed sets of all the movies would be coming out around the same time as Internet rumors of a movie version of the aforementioned novel.
Due to these, as well as a combination of other circumstances, elf abuse is now at an all-time high. Whether it be the rapefic, the m-preg, the bad slash, or just plain smut, the First Children of Iluvatar are suffering more now than they have since the release of the first of Peter Jackson’s movies.
Being quick of mind, nimble of foot, and liberal with Bleephine, the Multiverse Monitor was able to encounter an elvish patient as they came into the PPC from an unnamed badfic, escorted by Agent Joan and Trainee Symphony of the Department of Floaters. While there were few details released about the story, we do know for a fact that it took the elves’ love of trees to a whole new, and entirely disturbing, level.
“I just can’t cope, you know?” said the interviewee, who declined to release his name, wiping away his tears with his long red hair. (At this point, this reporter had to dig for her Antilustin clicker.) “It’s too much. We love the trees, yes, we woke them and taught them to speak and sing to them and tell them stories, but this...” He had to pause to recover his dignity, and then continued his statement. “How can you have an elf father offspring by a mallorn, anyhow? It’s not even physically possible!”
Agent Joan led the patient away at this point, with a strict admonition to remind the PPC at large that only staff members with proper identification are allowed in FicPsych. This statement was emphasized by the DNA coded locks on the doors, angry nurses with cow prods, and a very healthy fear of the large needles of which Nurse Sims seems to be oddly fond.
“You’d be amazed how fast I am with one of these”, she snarled, waving one full of a green serum at some new recruits who were busy ogling the new patients. No fatalities were reported from this encounter.
The Bonsai Mallorn, when contacted with the patient’s distraught statement on the subject of Tree Smut, refused to comment, and indeed had this reporter forcibly removed from his presence. However, telepathic retching noises were heard from his office for the next several hours.
Improper conduct with trees is one of the lesser evils that elves need fear in the ficverse these days. The abuse extends to excessive whumping, especially in those stories that explore Celebrian’s fate or speculation on how Aragorn and Legolas first met. Childhood whumpage fics are also a perennial favorite amongst some rather sick-minded individuals, mostly in the form of Thranduil abusing his son in a truly dreadful manner. When it isn’t that, it’s the Elrond/Arwen Incest!fic, all of which, this reporter thinks, should burn in the deepest pits of Hades.
Moreover, there is also the NeedlesslySilly!fic, which is a definite defamation of character. Elves were merry, and could possibly engage in jokes or pranks, but many of these fics take it beyond the pale and into the realm of Randomness. The Lady Galadriel is about as likely to scream bloody murder upon seeing a spider as Lord Elrond is to strip naked and skip around Imladris singing BBMak tunes. That is, of course, to say, not at all.
Many in the PPC are familiar with the legendary smutfic “Celebrian”, and Agent Ithalond who was rescued from its deepest reaches. After carefully making sure that Suicide and Dio weren’t in, and failing miserably in this, this reporter quietly, erm, resonated the lock on their response center and asked the elf Agent for an interview, and his views on the escalating elf abuse.
"Elf abuse is unstoppable," Ithalond said finally, after taking a break from the communal newbie-poking in which the team was currently engaged. "As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, fic without end. It began with Morgoth's corrupted Orcs, and it continues today with Mithiriela Fireye-Stormseek. Now begone, and let us continue poking the creature called Newbie." This reporter was able to escape damage-free thanks to a large skin of Ithacan wine as a peace offering, and an Urple cardigan as armor.
Undaunted, and possibly very foolish, this reporter then attempted to accost Agent Dafydd Illian and ask for his take on the matter. He and his new wife had recently returned from their honeymoon, and were unpacking when this reporter fell out of the ventilation duct in their response center. As can be seen, she has escaped with her life.
Dafydd’s reply indicated that he was equally as stunned by the increase in abuse as the rest of the PPC: “They've done what?!? I swear, I leave the PPC alone for a couple of weeks and the multiverse falls to bits! If I find out what this is all about, there will be blood, I swear…” At this point, Constance Illian-Sims interrupted to “request” that everyone stop badgering her husband and leave them both out of PPC business from now on. She emphasized her point by waving a POV gun in this reporter’s general direction. This reporter would recommend that everyone in the PPC take her gentle advice in the spirit in which it was delivered and stay the hezmatah away from the happy couple.
Page Three.
Agen Jennifer Robinson, dressed like a fox. A...scantily
clad
furred fox.
Page Four.
Fashion Column.
Though we can't feel it here in cosy old HQ, our Livejournals tell us that golden September has passed, replaced by the chilly squalls of October. And what better way to "ward off those blues" than by nabbing yourself a snug Snow Coat from "Morningstar", the "up-and-coming challenger" that can do no wrong? They don't come cheap, but if you "splash your cash" you can enjoy the built-in weapons belt – which has slots for guns, swords and lightsabers – and choose from four funky colours: Holly Red, Forest Green, Satin Black and 'Sue Blood Pink. In honour of the season, the first ten lucky customers can also "get their hands on" a limited-edition Pumpkin Orange version, which is ever so snuggley-warm and sports an adorable live bat stapled to the zipper.
On the other end of the "fashion scale", you must all have felt the shockwaves that struck HQ last week when industry giants "Saloon Gun" and "Bongo Bongo" unveiled the exact same line of adamantium throwing-knives! Each company is accusing the other of using spies to steal its designs, and "you could eat the tension with a fork". (Strictly "between you and me", readers, I think that Agent Justin of the DIA was looking mighty suspicious as he toted his brand-new tomahawk the other day… and "you know what they say about dwarfs"!)
But whilst the "major-leaguers" are snapping at each other's throats, a long-running but unassuming little family business known as "Pick-And-Choose" have stolen their limelight by gracing the market with a selection of pirate-era hand-grenades that is classic yet contemporary. They have the retro style and traditional business-like bluntness of the real thing, whilst introducing ease of deployment and that all-important assurance that you won't blow your own foot up. And at PAC's prices, they won't "blow a hole in your wallet", either!
(Currently awaiting installment. We apologise for the inconveniance. And for our incompetance.)
Page Seven.
Letters.
Please do not publish those photoshops of me and Tadkeeta. They are Maeluiwen's revenge; I once pulled her off Padmé. I saved her from Anakin's wrath and in return the ingrate, for blackmail purposes, faked photos of us doing something we've never done.
Agent Tawaki Penguin, Dept. of Floaters.
NB: Nor do we plan to, unless we tie the knot first.
Redwall Aquires OFU!
In perfect keeping with the 'times of evil' -otherwise known as Hallow'een -the Redwall fandom has opened its gates to a new Official Fanfiction University.
The Redwall fandom has attempted to open a Fanfiction University before, but that one closed down nearly three years ago amid much rumour-mongering. No confirmed reason for the closure has yet been found. Agent Laburnum, who graduated from the first Fanfiction University of Redwall in the same year, had this to say on the subject; "No, I don't know why it closed, or where the co-ordinator went. Seems to me like they made a big fuss over nothing. It's not like they were even first degree burns."
Rumours are already flying about the new OFUR, including one stating that a student, unaware of the body-altering consequences of filling out the entrance form, went to bed female and woke up as a hermaphrodite.
As of yet, there have been no fatalities. A betting pool has been opened on how long this state of affairs will continue; prospective gamblers should report to RC 12.
(Sorry about the lack of content; some people were (we think) working on something Hallow'een related, so we've left the page blank.)
((#XXX: Do not, under any circumstances, distribute the White Witch's Turkish Delights as Halloween candy.
#XXX: It is strictly forbidden to dress up as a lawn mower and knock on the doors of every Flower in the building.
#XXX: You are not allowed to beg any of the Black Leather Alliance of Men and Elves to borrow their costumes.
#XXX: You are not allowed to spike the recruits' goody bags with Pink Stuff. Or spike anything else with Pink Stuff. In fact, stay away from the stuff in general...)) (Snitched from Gillespy as a last resort.)
Princess Leia, complete with metal brassiere.
(Editor's Note:
I'm truly sorry about the great gaps in this edition. I know people did their best, but unfortunately it takes more than five articles to make a tabloid.
Anyway, much thanks to Neshomeh, Eris, Sophia, Tawaki, and, though slightly unintentionally, Gillespy. My thanks as well to anyone currently working on material to send in. You guys are great. I really can't say how greatful I am.
Here's to next time!
~Starwind Rohana.)
