MYSTERY ASSASSIN STILL AT LARGE

The DIA is still on the lookout for a mystery assassin responsible for four Sue deaths to date, one of which took a kill from a pair of DMS agents.

“Of course we’re working on it,” a fustrated DIA agent commented yesterday. “I mean, we can’t have vigilates running about, killing OCs. Not all of them are Sues, you know.”

When asked by this reporter if the sudden increase in effort on the case was due to the fact that the two irate agents had to be detained at the medical center for two days, the agent replied, “Look, if your boss was wondering why two agents had to be drugged into oblivion while they cooled down – er, that is, no. No, of course not. It’s a serious thing when there’s a potentially untrained agent wannabe running around, causing havoc. What if this punk decides that PPC agents are ‘Sues? What if he decides that the PPC Agents are stealing his kills and he wants to fight them over it? Can you imagine the trouble that would cause? I mean, the DMS, DoGA and DAVD agents can handle themselves, pretty much, but what about the Bad Slashers? And what if this idiot runs into one of the Sues that isn’t there just to sit and look sparkly while the male Canons fawn over her? They could get hurt, and then we’d be out a potential agent.”

“Speaking of agents,” your humble reporter then asked, “Is there any indication this could be the acts of some agents on their free time, or maybe some retirees missing the good old days?”

The DIA agent then snorted and declared the interview at an end. “We’ve got enough to deal with,” he snarled. “Quit trying to stir up trouble and go do something productive for a change.”

This reporter has found the reaction of the DIA agent, who incidentally refused to give his name, to be rather suspicious.

Outside of the entrance to the DIA, two infuriated DMS agents were glaring at the door and obviously waiting for someone to come out.

“I want to know what they’re doing to solve this,” one of the agents said when asked why they were there. “It was my kill that bastard stole. I wanted to kill her!”

“You go through fourteen chapters of Badfic, and you want it to be worth something. You want to get the kill when you’re done. You want to see the Sue die,” the other, slightly more controlled one commented. “We didn’t get to do that. Of course we’re angry. Who wouldn’t be? We are sorry about what happened to all that equipment at Medical, but who can blame us, really?”

The first agent nodded. “I was just really pissed off that I didn’t get to kill her. I still am.”

The Fandom Returns.

Mere hours ago, Agents all over HQ were distressed to find that the PPC had been reinstated as a fandom, not by the Pit of Voles, but by a new site, Fanfic Land.

Their worries were well founded. Within a mere half an hour, the first stories had appeared, and strange things --stranger than nornal --had begun to happen around Headquarters. Thirteen people were seen in music room in a state of undress. Not hard to guess what they were up to! Shortly after, one Agent Corinx sprouted bright purple wings and attempted to seduce her mini-Balrog!

Some hoped that these were isolated incidents, easily accounted for by HQ's patent abnormality. Alas, this is not the case!

Not three hours ago, certain Agents witnessed, in an unfrequented area, the funeral of one notorious Jaycacia Thornbyrd. Not only that, but the SO was apparently seen near the funeral, engaged in a torrid affair wiith one Agent Jay Thorntree!

"It was horrible!" said Agent Mylar. "All these petals and things...I don't know how people write this tripe, I really don't."

The Editors investigated the section for themselves to see what horrors might be inflicted. And there are horrors indeed!

Watch your door --the next might be coming for you!

~Agent Starwind Rohana.

The Mary Sue conspiracy

Have we not all wondered, at one time or another, how structured Mary Sues really are? Whether there is not in fact more than meets the eye to their seemingly random appearances in our beloved fandoms?

True, it may seem improbable, considering their individualistic mentality, not to mention extreme stupidity. The very idea that the air-headed divas we combat on a daily basis may, in fact, be organized, certainly appears ludicrous enough.

Nonetheless, we can no longer ignore the evidence which points straight in that direction. Consider these facts: Mary Sues, though they pop up constantly and have amazing powers are, with some exceptions, fairly easy to kill. Every now and then, a Mary Sue or Gary Stu converts, and ends up joining this organization. And last, but far from least – as was earlier reported in this very periodical, the vast majority of all those who were once in the clutches of suedom suffer from regular relapses, a condition known to the medically inclined as MSS.

Put all these facts together, and what do we find? Well, first of all, taking into account their often God-like abilities, should it not be more of a challenge for our esteemed agents to dispose of the average ‘Sue? Secondly, do we know with any certainty just how many ex-‘Sues and ‘Stus are employed within the PPC? If not, then perhaps it is time that the matter was investigated. While the loyalty of our ex-‘Sue members can, of course, not be doubted, we must still keep in mind the fact that they do involuntarily revert for a period of time each month.

What if the Mary Sues we face time and again are nothing but foot soldiers? What if, behind the enemy lines, there is a far more sinister force, waiting to attack when we are at our weakest? And what if our own members are, unwittingly, the means of our destruction?

Experience has shown us that one agent in the throws of MSS can cause quite a bit of trouble. What would happen, then, if every single agent who was once a ‘Sue or a ‘Stu reverted to their original condition at the same time?

Impossible, you, dear readers, may think. Preposterous. But there is a possibility that you have not considered. There is a possibility that Mary Sue movements and actions are, in fact, dictated by someone else. There may exist a power, stronger than we can imagine, which is at this very moment planning a crippling strike against the one bastion standing between it and complete domination of every single fandom. Far be it from this reporter to point any fingers, but we do have a myriad of ticking time-bombs in our midst. There is a genuine risk that the choice which some Mary Sues and Gary Stus make to join the PPC is not their own, but that of a supreme Sue, the ultimate threat to our way of life.

There will be a battle, make no mistake, and when it comes we will be besieged from without and within, and for this we must be prepared. Members of the PPC, be on your guard. Watch your friends for symptoms of Sueishness, and always remember – constant vigilance!

~Coffeecup