Page Two: Mysteries of Bleeprin.
Page Three: Consider This Revenge ~ Estelnar
Page Four: Life Outside HQ?!
Page Five: HQ Pool: Just a Rumour?
Page Six: Letters.
Page Seven: Dalek Invasion!
Page Eight: New Head of Operations.
Page Nine: Shocking Effects of Lemonade!
Page Ten: LO of the Month..
Page Eleven: Adverts.
Bleeprin Derivatives: What Medical Doesn't Want You To Know
Bleeprin, the so-called wonder drug of the PPC, has become widely used amongst denizens of HQ for the removal of bad mental images, both in its original form and in many derivatives such as Bleepka, Bleeprum and Bleepsinthe. But is Bleeprin really as safe as Upstairs would like you to believe? We present a Multiverse Monitor Exlusive.
A blend of brain bleach and aspirin, Bleeprin is surely familiar to every Agent in HQ. But how many Agents ever stop to consider: is Bleeprin really the safe, reliable substance we've been led to believe? Or does Bleeprin have a more sinister side?
"I'll never take Bleeprin again" were the words of Agent Anna Condor of the DMS, when surveyed by the MM. Agent Condor told of her shocking experiences with a faulty batch of Bleeprin, experiences that would scar her for life and cast serious doubt on the safety of Bleeprin. "It turned me into a newt!' she said, in between bouts of sobbing brought on by the memories of the ordeal. When this reporter pointed out that Agent Condor is, in fact, human, she added that she "got better."
The defective Bleeprin caused a morphological allergic reaction that apparently resulted in a temporary bout of amphibianism. While no lasting physical harm was done, the mental trauma of Agent Condor and the scores of other Agents like her cannot and must not be ignored.
Further investigations by the MM revealed many other incidents where defective Bleeprum caused such worrisome side effects as an agent breaking out in the magical disease
planets, bouts of temporary sanity in several agents, and, most worrying of all, an Agent spontaneously putting on several kilograms of weight. This last case has been definitively attributed to Bleeprin and does not have anything to do with the boxes of doughnuts the Agent in question previously consumed.
The Echinacea, Head of Medical Research, declined to be interviewed by the MM, although it did release a press statement in which these cases are described as "worrisome". The Echinacea, however, goes on to say that "such cases are most likely the result of unlicensed Bleeprin production, and official Bleeprin supplies obtained from HFA are perfectly safe".
While Medical would have us all believe that 'official' Bleeprin is perfectly safe, 'official' Bleeprin was involved in several of the incidents mentioned earlier. The danger does not stop there: Bleeprin derivatives, such as Bleepka and Bleeprum, have also been named as dangerous by several Agents.
Agent Riboflavin, also of the DMS, claims that after drinking several mugs of Bleeprum he was abducted by a horde of Nac MacFeegle, who forced him to dance a hoedown for several hours before finally releasing him; he also complained of a serious headache and nausea on the morning after the incident. He has called for Bleeprum to be banned as it is hallucinogenic and dangerous, and staged a protest outside of RC #8.3145 (the abode of Agent Entropy, the discoverer of Bleeprum), vowing not to be moved until Bleeprum is removed from HQ. Unfortunately, his loud protests occurred while Agent Logan (also of RC #8.3145) was practicing his violin, and he was quickly chased away by an irate Logan brandishing a lightsaber. Agent Logan's only comment to the MM was "How many times do I have to tell people NOT to interrupt me while playing?"
Agent Riboflavin's protest continues, albeit at a safe distance, and readers wishing to add their support may sign a petition placed in the Cafeteria. An attempt by the MM to send a hidden camera into RC #8.3145 was thwarted by some form of explosive device, but several minutes of footage were obtained. The picture quality is poor, but Agent Entropy can clearly be seen adding a mysterious chemical to a batch of Bleeprum. The Multiverse Monitor can only speculate about what hidden evils are contained in Bleeprum, and urges all readers to think twice before using Bleeprin and any Bleeprin derivative.
Agents Libel and Slander, Legal Department, are preparing a class action of all Agents affected by the scandal, tentatively named "Bleepgate" by this reporter, and may be found at the protest outside RC #8.3145.
By Elcalion, with apologies to Monty Python and Meir Brin, TZA and the other inventors of Bleeprin.
Agent Starwind Rohana (in a rather poor temper and a towel).
'Is There Life Outside HQ?'
By LotRGenius
There has always been that burning question in the back of every agent’s mind: Is there life outside the HQ? Surely there couldn’t be life, considering the vast size of the HQ building. One couldn’t even say for sure how big the HQ really is. The HQ could be a universe in itself. New evidence provided by Agent Cybele proves there could, in fact, be life outside of HQ.
Agent Cybele, an assassin for the DMS and scientist, has worked uncountable hours trying to answer that nagging question. She used the latest technology and found a way to see outside the HQ, previously thought impossible, and provided photographs. “The pictures,” said Agent Cybele, “are of an empty street with a Starbucks on the corner.” She refused to describe the photographs further, but she did say the photographs were taken from the supposed front door of the HQ.
Agent Cybele refused to tell how the photographs were taken and guesses have been made. Some assume she stuck a tiny camera through a crack or keyhole of the door and got the photographs that way. Others think that would be too easy and could have been done ages ago; she must have found a way to get out of the HQ and took the photographs that way. There is, however, a possibility that the photographs were faked.
“They couldn’t possibly be faked,” explained Agent Cybele when informed of that possibility. “I for one wouldn’t know what a Starbucks store looks like off the top of my head. These pictures are real.”
Agent Cybele has also explained that venturing out of the HQ building is impossible at the moment. The supposed front door of the HQ is firmly in its place and wouldn’t budge no matter what was done to it. “I even tried blowing it up with enough dynamite to knock down Mt. Everest,” she said. The door remained unscarred and unmoved.
“I’m trying to find another way out of the HQ to get more accurate pictures for the non-believers of life outside the HQ. I’m assembling a team to help me with that task.”
With the evidence above, one is led to believe that life outside of the HQ is possible. More reports will be made when Agent Cybele and her team discover a way out of the HQ. Maybe then, we will discover what life is like outside the HQ, and possibly the size, shape, and color of the building itself.
Page Five.
HQ Pool: Real or Myth?
The HQ Pool: Real or Myth?"
Recent rumors abound concerning the existance of a swimming pool inside HQ. While details vary, the basics are all the same: Somewhere inside HQ, there is a very large swimming pool, or complex of pools. The number of inqueries we've recieved concerning the subject have risen to well over five a day, so we decided to determine, for once and for all, the truth. As the Multiverse Monitor's resident investigative journalist, I got selected to do the gruntwork.
My first stop was the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology. If anyone would know, they would.
At the main office of the DoSAT, I was informed that everyone was quite busy, and nobody was available to comment. The occasional bangs and shouts of "Turn it off! Turn it off!" from the back room convinced me that they were in fact busy, and not just stalling. I made plans to return later.
Rumors are like mist. While it's plainly obvious that they're there, they're rather hard to catch. I wandered the halls, asking everybody what they thought.
Out of the (relative few) who answered, I found most of them believed that there was a pool, and they'd heard someone talking who'd been there. None of them could remember any names or faces, of course.
There was only one flat-out denial. However, the agent making the claim had very wet hair, smelled faintly of chlorine, and I saw a bit of swimsuit under a torn-out buttonhole on her uniform. I suspect she was covering something.
After some time had elapsed, I returned to the DoSAT. I managed to bluff my way past the secretary with the aid of a blown-out CAD and a shiny thing.
The DoSAT has no records pointing to the existance of a pool. There was one incident in which very heavily chlorinated water began to leak through the cieling tiles in one of the computer rooms, but that concentration of chlorine is also used by the dishwashers in the cafeteria. Why it was leaking through the roof of a room that's on the same floor as the cafeteria is completely unknown.
In the words of Makes-Things, "stranger things have happened." While I have no hard evidence (as of yet) that there is a pool, I, for one, would like to believe that tucked away somewhere is a swimming pool, just waiting for when I (or anybody else) really needs a break.
-The Ninja
Page Six.
Letters.
Dear Multiverse Moniter
Is it just me, or is Movie!Legolas kind of effeminate?
Signed,
Air of Mystery
Page Seven.
The Daleks, a hostile alien race bent on the extermination of all other living things, continue to be a menace inside the Doctor Who continuum, although comparatively few sightings have occurred outside it. Could this be indicative of a growing threat to the safety of not only the PPC, but the multiverse at large? Some Agents think so.
"This building is in a weird place dimensionally," said Agent Twist, currently moonlighting as a building engineer. "You only have to look at the way the place is laid out to see that. And with all the portalling in and out of different places and times, and alternate universes and all.. it's a weak spot in the continuum." An ironic twist, given the purpose of the PPC. "If one Dalek got through without us knowing about it, there could be loads more, just.. waiting. Anything could have got through."*
Others are skeptical. "I saw that Dalek," said Agent Ori N'Tal, recently recovered from a stint in Medical. "It was tiny. Not even a foot tall, I'd say. And it looked different to the usual Daleks you see, more like just a robot. Plus it didn't exterminate me. Or anyone else. That was a clue."
>
*This is in fact correct, as many of us are aware.
Page Eight.
New Head of Operations.
Who's Replacing the Wisteria?
Following the recent chaos, many problems need to be sorted out. One, in light of the unfortunate death of the Wisteria, is the appointment of a new Head of Operations.
As far as anyone is aware, it is probably going to be one of a pair who recently returned to HQ. This may indicate that none of the Plants who've been here for the last seven years were deemed capable of heading a Department. Of course, most of them have been busy doing other things.
This is an official announcement. Its like shall not be seen again. We shall rectify it by studying the eventual choice some time in the future.
Of course, rumours are flying about which of the couple it is likely to be. What do you think? Send your votes to RC12!
Added to that, there are some suspicions about how the long years were whiled away. Prepare for an update next month!
(This article may seem unorthodox, but due to things that will have been recent events and the fact that this was given permission to happen by the person who created him to the person doing it[congrats if you can follow that], and also the fact that it's a pretty important announcement, we ran the article. Go
here
for more as-of-yet stuff if you need to know or are insatiably curious.)
Page Nine.
Page Ten.
In slight irony...Legolas Thranduillion.
Step up to buy one of Haldir the Marchwarden's own arrows! Response Centre 8953, limited period only!
Dinosaur stomach acid! Get your dinosaur stomach acid here!
Only one bottle of Bleeprin a pint!
Visit RC89 if interested.
Bleepsinthe! Anyone for Bleepsinthe?
A limited amount will be available in Response Centre 5689 from Agents Hastur and Ligur until the 20th.
So hurry up.
(Note from the editor: I thought this one wasn't going to run and made an emergency request for material on the fifteenth. The response was both slightly startling and extremely gratifying. Therefore, without further ado: Many thanks to Rez, Cedar Copse, Gen, Elcalion, Techno-Dann, and Air of Mystery. They wrote excellent articles (or letters, or made excellent posters) in less than three days.
Although I'm responsible for Page Eight. But they still did a very good job. As is evident.
Anyway...if you want to write an article, feel free. No, don't feel free, feel very, very welcome. If you need hints, there's a headlines page around somewhere. And send them to estelnar.silverstream(at)googlemail.com. Please? I'll give you biscuits...)
