Page Two: SO Death Investigations!
Page Three: ... Eh.
Page Four: Agent Runs Amok!
Page Five: Assassins Working for Other Side!
Page Six: Discworld News.
Page Seven: Important Announcement.
Page Eight: Advertisments and Thanks.
Murder in HQ: Ye Saga Continues!
Following last issue's report of the brutal MURDER of our sort-of-beloved Sunflower Official by forces unknown, and the rebuttal of our pleas for information by all the Department and Division Heads of the PPC (except the Head of the DMS Star Trek Division, but he's weird), we decided that there was an urgent need for ACTION. This outrage could not be borne, and it was clearly up to the ordinary Agents to deal with it.
As previously stated, our rather enthusiastically aggressive search for the truth has gained us a fairly large number of followers and hangers-on, so we appropriated the Fairly Large But Not Overly So Auditorium for a meeting. Those DAVD Agents didn't really need it anyway. With the meeting begun, we made our plans.
A full report of the proceeding would be forthcoming, but they were a little too chaotic for that. The way one Agent managed to reset his personal time-stream and run through it backwards
may have contributed to this. So we'll just stick with reporting our conclusions, and to those of you who want to know what occurred, all I can say is, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!!!
The upshot of all this was a decision that the situation had gotten OUT OF HAND (strangely, the same thing the Marquis de Sod had told us earlier!). If the Flowers were unwilling to do anything about this betrayal in their own ranks – or worse, if they were all part of it – then they must be REMOVED. To that end, we have concocted a scheme. A plan, almost.
By the time you read this, the Marquis and his false Sunflower accomplice will have been KIDNAPPED. To ensure their safe return, we demand one of two things. EITHER:
-The Flowers of HQ step down from their positions, leaving them open to those Agents who have proven themselves both worthy and FIT.
-The Board of Flowers (or what is left of it) take IMMEDIATE action to determine the reason for the Sunflower Official's death, and to punish the perpetrators.
Flowers, the PPC await your response. Choose wisely.
Sorry, there is no Page Three.
Mad Agent Rampages in Death's Domain
A psychotic assassin went on an hourglass-smashing spree in Death's Domain. Agent Len of the Department of Mary Sues, Discworld division, was released from FicPsych in mid-2006, five years after he tore down the corridors with a flamethrower screaming for Mister Rogers, whom he sought to kill. Unfortunately, he was not as recovered as people thought.
I HAD JUST RETURNED FROM A LARGE FIRE IN QUIRM WHEN I HEARD A LOUD CRASHING COMING FROM THE ROOM WITH THE HOURGLASSES, Death told MM reporter Cement. THEN THE DEATH OF RATS REPORTED THAT AN INTRUDER WAS SMASHING THE HOURGLASSES THAT REPRESENT PEOPLE'S LIVES. When asked to confirm the story, The Death of Rats simply said SQUEAK.
Len was proud of what he'd done, and confessed to Nurses Robinson and Dewstan with no sign of remorse. With his account and those of witnesses to the deaths of those to whom the hourglasses belonged, the Flowers concocted the following account of what happened:
Len started by dashing Constable Visit's hourglass against the ground. Visit, who was in the pigeon tower, fell to his death. Len then cut through Cohen the Barbarian's with a vibroblade from Star Wars and Cohen was beheaded in battle. He proceeded to smash Chrysoprase and the Librarian's hourglasses together. Chrysoprase called the Librarian a monkey, the Librarian remonstrated, and they both fell into the Ankh in the ensuing fight. Then the Death of Rats turned up and gave a SQUEAK of protest, but Len simply smashed Jonathan Teatime's hourglass over him. Teatime was killed by his target, a thug in the Shades. Death called out WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE? and Len scrambled away, breaking a whole shelf of hourglasses in the process. Vetinari fell down the hoho, Moist von Lipwig suffered a heart attack, Koom Valley got mentioned in a room full of Dwarves and Trolls, and a plague broke out in Didjabringabeeralong.
Dr. Fitzgerald, Professor Timbledim, and the Bashir Hologram are currently resurrecting everyone who was killed, although as of publication, more are being brought in. The Librarian said "Ook," and none of the other canons were available for comment. Len, meanwhile, is back in FicPsych's long-term care ward.
Mystery Assassin a Gary Stu?
Several Agents have determined that the Mystery Assassin who has made a major dint in the Mary Sue, Gary Stu, and Airy Ooh numbers is a Gary Stu himself.
"Let's see," said Agent Five of Six. "He protects the plot continua with a minimum of hassle (if any), he never blows out a CAD, he has never drooled over an LO, he fought a Sith!Sue to the death without so much as a scratch, and he lives exclusively for the Duty. Like no Agent I've ever met." When asked how a Stu could afflict HQ, given that the only PPC fanfic site, FanficLand, has a creativity shield around it to prevent the spawning of Suvians and Suvian spirits, Five said "I honestly don't know. I just know that the Mystery Assassin's Suvian nature is a likely conclusion from the data at hand."
Agent Nick had eyewitness evidence. "He took down, sword to whip, a Balrog!Sue Kamkenta and I were chasing, and he wasn't even singed, and I swear that on another occasion he knocked back enough Pink Stuff to floor Jack Sparrow and he didn't even pass out or get a hangover!" Kamkenta had nothing to add except "Now THAT was a run-on sentence."
Agent Zan had perhaps the most disturbing report of all. "When Jara and I were about to exorcise slash spirits from Sirrus and Achenar, I suddenly felt like my head was stuffed with nawin wood. And I had to ask Jara the procedure! I, who TAUGHT it to him! Meanwhile the Mystery Assassin came on the scene and exorcised Sirrus and Achenar no problem. Neuralyzed them, too. Meanwhile we professed undying love for each other! It must have been Suvian influence. Jara is a resurrected canon character, but he remains faithful to his Ket." Jara confirmed her report, but said that his head felt more like it was stuffed with pine.
If the Mystery Assassin is, in fact, a Gary Stu, then the most dangerous assassination mission yet is upon us, especially if early reports of him attacking Agents without provocation are true.
On this Octeday, the 24th of Ember, the recently ascended Lord DeWorde (as well as this papers chief reporter and the Editors husband) did attend the state wedding of Susan, Hereditary Duchess of Sto Helit, under the aegis of reporting the event. The happy event, attended by dignitaries from across the Disc, was remarkable in two ways.
Firstly, in company with the many dignitaries were also a mumber of monarchs and nobility, ranging from Morporks own Samuel Vimes and the Queen of Lancre to the kings of the Klatchian Empire, one even coming from as far afield as the toddler Emperor of Agatea in company with the Imperial Mother and the Vizier. All these persons seemed to come with the intent of the Duchess agreeing to educate thier children (The Duchess had been previously been employed at a well known Primary school in Ankh, from which she was almost dismissed from when a female student witnessed her involved with her then-boyfriend, now-husband).
That brings this article to the second remarkable occurance of this wedding. It was revealed that there was a large cabal, including many Helitian merchants and several city officials, that was dedicated to putting the now-duke, Lobsang Ludd-Sto Helit, at a prominant place beside his now-wife, and in their words to "liberate their city and its ruler from the political, loveless marriages of the Aristocracy".
The truly remarkable thing, however, was that it was revealed that Queen Kelirehenna herself had secretly financed the organization, apparently out of sympathy with the Duchess. This has caused a great schism in the formerly secret society, with those who valued the goal of placing "their man" on the Ducal throne to count it as a step toward an understanding with the Latatian throne, while those whose goal was a greater independance for Helit in mercantile and government matters to call it "royal subterfuge". The Queen has seen to it that any cries of 'Sedition' towards this group have been dutifully ignored.
The future of the Helitian Duchy, as well as the Husband of the Duchess being either a Duke (finalized) or a Consort has fed political speculation across the plains for more than a year. As Queen Kelirehenna has no known heirs and has never married, it has been rumoured that the possible Duke of Sto Helit has abn excellant chance of winning in the throne in case of the monarchs sudden expiration. But, as the brides grandfather (Willam Door Esq., influential landowner in the Octarine Grass country) was recorded to comment;
KINGDOMS WILL RISE, DECLINE AND THEN CRUMBLE, BUT THE COMMITMANT THAT MY GRAND-DAUGHTER AND GRAND-SON-IN-LAW HAVE MADE TODAY WILL ENDURE... EVEN BEYOND THE MORTAL COIL.
We aren't sure if this newspaper understood it, but it was indeed very interesting.
Important Announcement from the Editors.
The Multiverse Monitor
has been going for just over a year. In that time we've recieved many great articles and been very amused by the scandelous goings-on you've reported. It's been very fun.
Well. In the last six months we've twice had to skip running an edition due to lack of material. Submissions have decreased generally. (See this edition: We had exactly four entries.) People have lost interest, which is understandable, but even so it means that we no longer really have enough to run a paper.
In light of all this, the Multiverse Monitor
is going into hibernation. There will be no, repeat, no
more issues for a period of six months. We will start up again in either December or January. This is to give everyone time to recharge their imaginations.
We do not intend to shut down permanently. To do so would give the Flowers That Be a reason to be impertinent and generally wrong --not a problem when their antics get spread all over HQ!
If you want to find out exactly what happened to the SO and what people will get up to in the next six months...come back in December!
A fine collection of Dwarvish axes will be available at reasonable prices in RC 717. Gold, all precious stones, and non-magical ornaments accepted.
(Note from Starwind Rohana: My thanks to Huinestoron, Tawaki, and Gandalf the Beige, who submitted the stuff you see here. My thanks also to everyone who ever sent something in...too many of you to name.
I'm sorry that this was necessary. We shall indeed start up again; this is not the end of the road.
So thanks, all of you, for making this happen.)