Cute Explosions! Parties! Death Threats!

Page Two: Dangers of Lemonade!
Page Three: Logan Didn't Run (Fast Enough)
Page Four: Fashion Column!
Page Five: Plague of the Cute!
Page Six: Party Gossip!
Page Seven: Something to Sing when You're Killing...
Page Eight: Christmas Song Contest! Enter Now!
Page Nine: Obituaries: May We Bow Our Heads.
Page Ten: Psychic Power Pranking!
Page Eleven: Early Christmas Article!

Page Two.

The shocking effects of lemonade!

Lemonade; one would think it a harmless substance, with aftereffects no worse than mildly insane behavior caused by high levels of blood sugar. One would be wrong. Lemonade can have harmful, and often bizarre, long-term effects on your central nervous system.

This reporter took it upon herself to find out just exactly what risk the average agent runs, when imbibing large quantities of this apparently “safe” drink. Armed with several buckets of lemonade and a volunteer test group of two only slightly inebriated agents, the experiment was begun.

The first test subject, agent Simon Jones, was placed in a purple room with green fluorescent lighting. He was then coaxed (gently and kindly, of course) to consume six pints of the soft drink in question, whilst a hidden radio transmitter played Mariah Carrey songs at a volume almost on the edge of hearing.

After a period of one hour he was removed from the room, and no ill effects were obvious. He appeared happy, if somewhat dazed, smiled, and answered all our questions politely. His partner, however – who also happened to be the other test subject – took one look at him before shooting yours truly a glare which could, by rights, be interpreted as murderous, then grabbing his arm and dragging him away, ranting incoherently. It must therefore be concluded that the symptoms exhibited by agent Jones were highly uncharacteristic.

This scientific study clearly proves that reasonable quantities of lemonade, imbibed even in natural, friendly surroundings, has detrimental, personality-altering effects on up to fifty percent of all consumers. The cautious are advised to stick to healthy, time-honored beverages like vodka, until further notice.

~Coffeecup

Page Three.
The highly Kharismatic Agent Logan!

Page Ten.

Things I am not allowed to use Psi powers for at the PPC

Many Agents, especially of those recruited from fandoms, have some innate extrasensory perception or other type of telepathy. In addition, some shapeshifting Agents can take forms with psi powers. These powers can come in handy from time to time, but must not be abused.
"Jedi powers are not for pranks." -- Luke Skywalker, I, Jedi
"This is the crystace they shall sheathe in my heart if ... I use these powers for capricious or selfish purposes." Part of the Sentinels' oath in Fusion Fire. Note: Punishment for infractions will not be so severe here, except where noted. Usually, the punishment for misuse of psi powers is being forced to sit through every last No-Drool video twice.

THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO USE PSI POWERS FOR AT THE PPC:

1: I must not use them on my LO to present the image of said LO's significant other.
2: I must not use them to make other Agents see things my way in an argument, however wrong said Agents may be.
3: I must not use my powers to make other Agents fall in love with me.
4: I must not try to telekinetically keep Bleeprin and purple stuff from exploding. I'm not that powerful.
5: I must not go through the Galactic Barrier from Star Trek. They will have to kill me to protect everyone else if I do.
6: I must not mind-meld with canons while on a mission. Cultural contaminations would be inevitable.
7: I must not send any Agent, Flower, or Canon, regardless of phobias, any mental images whatsoever unless absolutely crucial to my mission.
8: Same goes for speaking to any of the above telepathically.
9: I must not pull chairs out from under anyone (except perhaps Sues) telekinetically.
10: I must not unlock doors unless absolutely necessary.
-Especially bathroom doors.
-Especially when my LO is in the shower.
11: I will remember that I have limits and I will not waste energy, or else I will suffer the consequences.
12: I will do no harm.
13: I will be discreet.
14: I will not communicate telepathically with non-telepathic beings.
15: I will neither eavesdrop nor probe.
16: I will not directly manipulate anyone's thoughts or emotions.
17: Under no circumstances will I broadcast my emotions.
18: I will not do telekinetically what I cannot do physically.
19: I will not teleport when I can just as easily portal.
-Unless such drastic action is vital to the patient's recovery.

Page Elven.
(Should technically be in the December edition, but it was just too dang good and knowing me I'd forget! ~Starwind Rohana.)

As the season traditionally associated with gift giving and jollity approaches, the normal chaos of PPC Headquarters goes through a kind of lull. The sight of a new recruit, hair on fire, running through the corridors in terror, is uncommon, while the more usually stressed Agents have decided to take a break. Not only that, but winter also seems to send the Flowers That Be into dormancy, giving them less time to punish Assassins with cruel and highly improbable missions. Sometimes, if you wait until the time is just right, you may even catch a glimpse of that precious state called “calm,” punctuated (this being the PPC, after all) by the occasional Suvian scream. A fresh scent wafts through the air. Is it napalm? Bleepka? – No, my friends, it is Christmas.
Unfortunately, this is only a temporary respite. A new threat to Agents in every department is stalking the halls, and it sure doesn’t have interior decorating in mind. Recent reports are coming from Department Bad Slash and Mary-Sues in particular, both concerning the fresh outbreak of the Harry Potter canon’s most dangerous creation. No spell, this, or torture device either, though one could construe it so; instead, evil comes in its purest form, bringing terror instead of good cheer and giving extra weight to the Christmas lyric “You’d better watch out.” It is none other than the notorious... Fanged Mistletoe.
“You may laugh,” said a perturbed and blushing Agent Tothero, recently recruited into the DOMS. “But this is much more serious than it appears. The entire HQ may be in risk from this virulent outbreak of Canon creation. My partner and I ran into a specimen while walking through the halls, and... well... um...” His partner, Eve Lockwood, was far more blunt: “These things are nasty. Their sole purpose is to coerce innocents into – er – smooching. And they can get quite vicious if they’re not obeyed.” At this point, the blonde Assassin declined to continue, instead rubbing some ointment into her partner’s wounded neck, which was covered in small punctures. Clearly, Fanged Mistletoe are far more inclined to evil than their less sentient relatives in the genus Phoradendron.
According to some Agents who regularly patrol the Potterverse, Fanged Mistletoe is more of a fanon creation than anything else. “Fanwriters often use the regular mistletoe as a plot device,” explained one assassin, who preferred to remain nameless. “It has grown in popularity since its first appearance in Order of the Phoenix, and now is commonly employed as a cheap way to get the Sue and her canon character of choice to make out without having to find a suitable reason for it.” It appears that the awful plotholes that sprout up wherever this plot device is utilized have contorted it into a warped version of the original, Phoradendron malificum. Its habit is to go after unsuspecting passersby, wait until two of them converge, and then hover about, threatening to bite them if they don’t immediately kiss.
Reports of these coercive parasites continue to arrive, and no specimens have allowed themselves to be captured yet. When asked about the possibly negative impacts of Fanged Mistletoe on the public image of sentient plants, the Sunflower Official irritably replied with a mental, Don’t ask me. We don’t particularly care whether you maniacs are being forced upon each other by voyeuristic vegetation, just as long it doesn’t affect your performance. And stop writing that down.
However, even the reluctant SO may be forced to take action against the vicious mistletoe, which has claimed fourteen couples so far, only three of them actually in a relationship.
Will the SO stop this heinous flora from seriously disturbing the peace and holiday cheer? Or will we all be forced to make out with total strangers?! It’s up to the Flowers That Be to decide, and until then... beware the corridors.

A sample of Phoradendron malificum in its natural habitat, namely, right behind you and your least favorite person. Note the fangs.

(The usual editor's note: My gratitude is sent out in large amounts to Twiggy, Elcalion, Gillespy, Coffeecup, Krystal, Tawaki, and...anyone whom I might have forgotten. And, before I forget anything else...*Takes deep breath.*
More obituaries would be welcome. Twiggy's idea, and I think it's a good one. Agents who've died on missions...even for 'Sues if you're feeling perverted.
Anyone who wants to enter the Song Contest is encouraged to do so. Very encouraged.
If anyone wants to write anything --anything at all --for the December edition, it will be welcomed with open arms. My email is estelnar(dot)silverstream(at)googlemail(dot)com.
Have a good day! ~Starwind Rohana, editor.)