PPC HQ (MONITOR) – At approximately 9:42am of Saturday, August 12, Earth Standard Time, a Disturbance occurred in the halls running roughly between Section 16 and the cafeteria (if you don't count where it intersects with Section 3, or the Moebius loop through the eighth door on the left, or—look, just read the article).  Ahem.  The Disturbance occurred in the form of a very nasty piece of work by the name of Edward Hyde, who was encountered by several witnesses while running full-tilt down the corridor in over-sized garments, bearing an expression of “unholy glee” and occasionally cackling when he occasioned to pinch the glutei of female Agents. 

“There I was, making my way down for a cup of coffee, and this little creep comes up out of nowhere and puts his hand on my rear,” says Agent Iwa S. Thayer, who kindly agreed to speak with this reporter.  With some heat, she adds:  “Believe me, if I'd had my coffee, he never would've got further.” 

The perpetrator was forcefully apprehended by Agent Ginger and ex-Agent Lupeias, who were not available for comment.  However, they were overheard by several Agents to make threatening remarks against Mr. Hyde before knocking him out and dragging him away, leaving a thin smear of blood in their wake. 

“I saw the whole thing,” Thayer says.  “Still needed that coffee, so I got there right when they pulled out guns.  I thought we'd all be knifed or shot, crazy [censored] Assassins.  Only reason nothing else happened was that creepy guy surrendered and one of them said something about a Jenni being pissed.  I think there's a Jenni in FicPsych or something.  I guess he was a Canon who escaped the ward.” 

Indeed, Mr. Edward Hyde is he of Jekyll and Hyde fame, whether the original Book Canon of Robert Louis Stevenson or the Musical Canon of Leslie Bricusse and Frank Wildhorn.  But why, wondered this reporter, if he had escaped from the Department of Fictional Psychology, why was he being chased by an ex-Assassin and a Floater?  Further investigation revealed no reports of an escape and Agent Jennifer Robinson was not on the ward at the time of the Disturbance—indeed, the blood trail did not lead to FicPsych, but to the Lounge. 

This is a matter that clearly demands serious investigation by persons better prepared to enter the Lounge, which is well-known as a scummy hive of wretches and villains.  (Legal has informed this reporter that they are Not Amused with the paraphrasing. This reporter does not care, because it is the Truth.)  How did a Canon get into the halls of HQ?  Why was he dragged back to the Lounge?  What else goes on in that room, anyway, and how come we haven't heard anything about it?  Only time and a seriously badass reporter will tell.  We just need to find that brave and possibly masochistic soul. 

— SUSSI TOWT

Assassin Burns Down Department of Bad Slash!

The unspoken friendly rivalry between the Department of Mary Sues and the Department of Bad Slash took a rather unpleasant turn recently when an Assassin set fire to several response centers belonging to Slashers.

According to eyewitness accounts, the Assassin in question was tall, green-haired, and looked extremely sleep-deprived. "She had this sort of mad glint in her eyes, you know?" remarked Agent Janne "Click" McNichols of the Department of Implausible Crossovers. "And then I noticed the flame-thrower she was carrying, so I got the heck out of there."

"She was screaming something about joining the Royal Ballet," said another Agent, who prefers to remain nameless. "That sort of stuff just isn't natural."

Other sources state that the Assassin was also shouting "And your little Duck, too!" It is unclear at this time whether that phrase refers to the infamous rubber duck logo of the Department of Bad Slash, or to Agent Ducky, whose response center was among those targeted in the attack. Agent Ducky refused to confirm or deny this; his only comment was "At least it wasn't lunch meat this time."

The mystery arsonist remains at large. If you have any knowledge of her whereabouts, please contact the Multiverse Monitor immediately. We are offering a large Bleeprin reward for any information leading to an exclusive interview with her.