Page Two: Fashion and Weaponry Column!
Page Three: I Promise We Know What Department She's In.
Page Four:Study of 'Suethor Brain-Functions! Fresh From OFUR!
Page Five: Exclusive Recruit Interview! With a Vampire!
Page Six: Song Contest!
Page Seven: Letters.
Page Eight: Personal Column.
Page Nine: Canon Slaughtered By Protector!
Page Ten: Truth of the One Ring: REVEALED!
Page Eleven: Upstairs Trying Out Restrictions?!
Page Twelve: LO of the Month.
Page Thirteen: Advertisments.
Page Two.
The
What Weapon?
Column – December 2006 edition
Sleigh-bells ring… are you listening? Well, you had better be, because these sleigh-bells herald, not the arrival of the "jolly fat man" of multi-fandom fame, but the latest release by Saloon Gun – that's right, folks, they're "back in business"! And they've brought with them presents for all of us, gifts that will warm the heart of the most homocidical Agent, in the form of a whole new accessories line that will simply "knock your socks off"! And, since they know that several of us aren't Mary-Sues, coughs, colds and chilblains are guaranteed to be "warded off" by the toasty-warm genuine Arcanine fur used to knit each and every one of them. Scarves, gloves, hats and nose-bras have come back "in with a bang", thanks to Saloon Gun!
But what, I hear you cry, of Bongo Bongo? Ah, "'tis a sad tale", so "gather around, children". They were flying high – soaring, in fact – "the only way was up" and "their horizons were bright". The managing director, a Mr John Davington, had even proposed a merging with successful ladieswear company Bedhopper, famous for their corsetry line. But this success was cut deadly short. Bongo Bongo saw the court case coming, but so engrossed were they in pursuing justice for those who had stolen the knife designs, that they ran straight through it. It was a disaster. The result, as it is my sad duty to report, was that they "crashed and burned". They "sank". They were "up expletive creek without a paddle". Following a tragic loss of life, and Saloon Gun "waltzing away" "scott free", the managing director of Bongo Bongo was forced to resign his commission. He was last seen "slumming it" and swilling rum in the PPC Cafeteria. Pity him.
But, best not wallow in our grief! Morningstar have once again proven themselves worthy of our love, wishing us a Merry Winterval with gifts of milk and cookies! But these are "no ordinary" milk and cookies. No no no, Morningstar are far too inventive for that! It's the little perks that make this hot new items this reporter's favourite! Make sure you read the instructions on the packet, unless you like explosions (likely, it is to be admitted, but still.). Because this milk isn't just for drinking! Oh, no! The ingenious engineers at Morningstar have packaged this baby up in a sealed plastic cup, with a straw attached (in a choice of festive red, green or white). Concealed within the straw is a cunningly crafted powder which, when it comes into contact with milk, reacts effervescently and evanescently! In plain language… it froths up in a powerfully alkaline lather which can burn through almost anything. Escape from a cage… break the ice at parties… or trick your least favourite Mary-Sue into drinking from it! Exciting.
As for the cookies… the chocolate chips are bombs!
The Powers bless us, every one!
Reported by Agent Aphrodite Brown
Page Three.
Terri Ryan, Department of Personnel.
Page Four.
A study of Suethor Brain functions.
Part 1.
There are several additional areas of the brain in the Suehtor’s brain that are not present in other fanfic writers. One of these is the “Canonicus Lusticus Focusicus” area. It is large, and its main function seems to be to hyper-focus on the Object’s lust object, and to think about various scenarios. This daydreaming has several side effects. It means that plot, other characters and other important items are ignored, as the suethor focuses purely on the Lust Object. The hyper-focusing appears to be on appearance only, so subtle items like friendships, marriages, and personality seems to go out the window as well.
Another area is related to to mishandling of canon. This area, the “Rejectus Canonicus”, while it is not as large as the Canonicus Lusticus Focusicus area, is related. It basically rejects Canon and inserts the Suethor's own area. This region essentially twists the Canon, and helps the Suethor get the idea to add pizza skills to LOTR elves, adding elemental crystals, and other blatant non-canon facts, such as Sam going home during the War of the Ring.
Another portion is the “Reviewal Modifalus” area. This area acts as a filter for reviews. It filters all reviews into either mindless praise, and, to use the suethor description “OMG!!! FLAMES FROM MEEN PEOPLE!!”. As one can guess, constructive criticism goes under the second category. It is speculated this filtering area evolved as a result to protect the Suethor’s ego and brain from realizing their mistakes and accepting that not all people might enjoy their story.
Another area of the brain responsible for the badfics is the “Mangalus Namicus” region of the brain. It appears to be also related to the Canon-Mangulus, as at times both light up during the badfic writing process. As one can guess from the name, this region of the brain is responsible for the names in the badfics. This is the reason for names like “Suzinna Goldenfur” , “Jennifur SavesthePrince”, and other 'Sue names. It also seems to feature with nicknames for Canon characters.
Next week, more suethor physiology, and fanbrat physiology, and eventually, agent physiology.
P.S. Volunteer Agents requested to participate in study.
Page Five.
Interview with a Vampire!
EXCLUSIVE!
One of the mysteries of the PPC has finally been unravelled (and no, it’s not the one about the Fountain) (or the swimming pool). From the Agents who found him, we now know the full story (well, not quite) of how Agent Gil became part of the PPC. Our reporter Edoni Farrow managed to track down Agents Sangdor and Fynn in the lounge, and get their side of the story. The report that she filed is presented below.
Edoni: So, I know that the question that all our readers will want answered is ‘where did your new partner come from?’ Would you be prepared to give us a few words in answer to that?
Agent Sangdor: Here are a few words for you: F*** off!
Agent Fynn: No, wait a minute, Tam. (At this point the two Agents went off into a whispered conversation which our reporter could not overhear) All right. We’ll tell you our side of the story, if you promise to reproduce it properly.
E: Of course.
AF: Well, it happened about a month ago, when Tam and I were coming back from lunch at the canteen..
AS: Supper
AF: Lunch
AS: It was supper.
AF: No, it was lunch.
AS: It was supper – they had chips.
AF: Look, who’s telling this story?
AS: It
was
supper.
AF: Okay, it was supper. Now shut up and let me tell the story. Anyway, we’d just turned the corner when we heard a sort of crashing noise. It sounded as if had come from our response centre, so we started running..
E: Not a good idea in this place.
AF: No. We spent the next two hours trying not to think about getting back, and failing, until we finally forgot why we were in such a hurry..
AS: At which point we found ourselves outside the door. So, we went in, and guess what we found?
E: I don’t know. What did you find?
AS: A man lying in the middle of the floor.
E: Were you surprised by this at all?
AS: No, that sort of thing happens every day around here. Of course we were surprised, you rattle-pate!
AF: Tam, please shut up!(she then whispered something about ‘the bloody press’, and reputations, before turning back to our reporter) It wasn’t just the fact that there was a fellow lying in the middle of the floor – it was the fact that he was completely and utterly naked. And covered in blood, but we didn’t notice that at first.
E: So, what did you do?
AF: I grabbed a blanket off the couch and covered him up – the heating was broken, and the poor chap was practically blue. Then we checked to see if he was okay.
E: And was he?
AF: Well, he wasn’t dead, if that’s what you mean. He was cut up pretty badly though, so we contacted Medical and asked them to send someone over. They did, but it took them about three hours (they forgot their CD players).
AS: And when they arrived, they were
not
helpful.
E: How do you mean?
AS: They just stood there and asked us questions, and then said ‘Yes, he looks pretty bad, doesn’t he?’
AF: To be fair to them, they did take him to Medical once they’d finished asking us how he got here.
E: And do you have any theories as to how he arrived?
AF: We’re pretty certain it has something to do with the portal generator, and the fact that someone (here she glared at Agent Sangdor) spilt grog all over the keyboard.
AS: I was trying to show you how to make it properly – you always put far too much water in.
AF: Whatever the reason, it still messed up the controls. We think that the portal opened into whichever continuum Gil came from, and he fell through it.
E: And which continuum would that be?
AF: We have no idea. We think probably Reservoir Dogs, but we really don’t know.
E: And why do you think that?
AF: Isn’t it obvious? Look at the way he dresses, the way he behaves, the way he speaks, the way he looks. It all adds up.
E: And his name is Gil?
AS: His name is a mystery. We call him, and he calls himself, Gil.
E: May I ask why?
AS: No. Go away. My teeth are beginning to ache.
E: (to Agent Fynn): Do you know?
AF: Yes.
E: So, why is he called Gil?
AF: It’s a secret. Look, we’ve told you all we can, now could you please leave us alone?
E: It’s my job to ask questions.
AS: Do you want me to bite you?
E: There’s no need to get uptight.
AF: Please can you go, now? Tam, shut your mouth – we’re not going to bite anyone, are we?
AS: But no-one will miss a single….what are they called?
AF: Journalist, and yes, they will. Look, I’ve got a black pudding back at the Response Centre – I’m sure that’ll taste nicer than this lady.
AS: But she’s human.
AF: So am I, and you don’t want to bite me.
AS: She’s annoying. Just one bite? Please?
AF: Oh, I suppose so. You wouldn’t mind, would….where did she go?
(Our reporter had in fact left the scene very rapidly during this conversation, and was later heard muttering about vampires and crazy Agents. She later applied for sick leave, but before the leave came through, she disappeared. Her fate is still a mystery. Another reporter was detailed to continue the interview, but declined, citing an allergy to vampires.)
Page Six.
Song Contest!!!!
Last month, we asked you to send in some 'adapted' Christmas carols. The four best have been selected and are printed here for your entertainment.
Deck the 'Sue.
Deck the Halls with Sue entrails
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to see blood hail
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our uniforms,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Patroll the ancient continuums,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing Sue before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike the nail and join the chorus.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Follow me in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While I tell the Sue her treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old Sue passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the new, ye assassins ,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sing we joyous, all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Headless of the Sue and her measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hark, The ‘Sue “Green Day” Doth Sing
(Sung to "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing")
Hark how ‘Sues hang on our Prince
This OFC makes us wince
She’s so perfect (see that smile?
And she has great fashion style)
Thranduil is really mad:
She’s cast him as “Evil Dad”
See how she turns minds to mush
Causing all male elves to blush!
And when shall we see the end
of her annoying Animal Friend©?
But all us fans are fighting back
We can’t stand The Ring on crack
This Mary-Sue’s gone too far
Death to Princess Shiny-Moon-Star!
We’ll use weapons contraband
And take matters in our own hands
With these motives form we now
“Kill the ‘Sue” will be our vow
On a title, we’ll agree
From here on out, we’re the PPC!
Time at last to slay the witch
Eru, what a stupid (the following word is smudged beyond recognition)
Clinging to her darling Elf
Can’t bother to save herself
One quick stroke of vorpal blade
Then finish it off with grenades
Into sparkle-dust goes ‘Sue
Offering us a lovely view
We taught her a thing or two!
(and Legolas is thankful too!)
FIN
"Jingle-Brain."
To the tune of "Jingle Bells" by John C. Pierpont.
There the console goes
There's a Mary Sue
And I bet I know
'Zactly who she screws:
Pevensie Pevensie.
She's a Vanya too
If she don't make him OOC then
I am a potoo.
Oh,
Jingle-brain
Jingle-brain
Hollow is thy skull
Thy respect for canon ranks
The other side of null
Jingle-brain
Jingle-brain
Hollow is thy skull
Thy respect for canon ranks
The other side of null
At Hogwarts you know
Mary Sues abound
Harry's Veela sis
From Boston comes around
She loves Severus
Though she's underage
Loud and long we Agents cuss
And Crucio in our rage
Oh,
Jingle-brain
Jingle-brain
Hollow is thy skull
Thy respect for canon ranks
The other side of null
Jingle-brain
Jingle-brain
Hollow is thy skull
Thy respect for canon ranks
The other side of null
“Fairytale of the Mary Sues”
It’s Christmas eve, now,
On a mission
The ‘Sues have whined about
Their tragic chi-ildhoods
And then they sang a song
Good taste defying
I turned my face away
To keep from crying
Oh, how I miss my gun
Outnumbered ten to one
I’ve got a feeling
This might not end too well
So happy Christmas
I hope I make it back
To see another year
And get a padded cell
They’ve got eyes just like gems
Hair like rivers of gold
But the plot holes are vast,
It’s a sight to behold
When I signed up for this
On a cold Christmas eve
They told me adventure
Was waiting for me
‘Sues are handsome,
‘Sues are pretty,
Queens of made-up cities
When the canon’s been ruined
They howl out for more
The “ugly” go evil,
There’s such an upheaval
There’s no fandom left
Where they’ve not sunk their claws
The agents of the PPC
Are put through all this pain
And then people wonder why
We’re all insane
They wear pink
They don’t think
And they drive us to drink
With their god-awful prose
Which no one may oppose
Those adulteresses,
Those vapid princesses
Happy Christmas each lass,
I’ll make sure it’s your last
The agents of the PPC
Are put through all this pain
And then people wonder why
We’re all insane
They want to be someone
Well so does everyone
But we know better than
to write it all down
Just keep it to yourselves
Leave well enough alone
You won’t need to atone,
And we’ll be spared the torture
The agents of the PPC
Are put through all this pain
And then people wonder why
We’re all insane
Page Seven.
Letters.
Dear reporters of the Multiverse Monitor,
I would thank you to stay the hell away from me in the future, unless you would like to experience first-hand some of the more unconventional uses of a portable CD-player.
Yours respectfully,
agent Simon Jones
Page Eight.
Personals
Vulcan male seeks unbonded Vulcan female. Please report to RC #3372.7 ASAP. This is URGENT!
Page Nine.
MAD AGENT KILLS NINE CANONS, SELF
When Agent Stoneship Tayrime of the Department of Mary Sues, Wizard of Oz division, returned from her vacation, she found her partner dead with nine dead canons. “I just can't believe it!” Stoneship told MM reporters. “There was no indication that anything was wrong. Well, anything new that was wrong.”
Stoneship and Agent Jarre Jarre Hastursen got their long-awaited vacation recently, but one Suefic too many had blown Jarre Jarre's brain. She thought she was U. N. Owen from Agatha Christie's classic mystery novel
Ten Little Indians. So while Stoneship went to the Emerald City, Jarre Jarre wrote her own small universe and lured nine characters, each from a different canon. When Stoneship returned to RC #4523.3, she looked for Jarre Jarre and on a hunch portalled into the small universe. There, she found all ten people dead and the universe itself beginning to crumble under plotholes. She took the bodies to Medical, whhere the nine canons could be resurrected. Alas, as most readers know, Agents cannot be.
Like U. N. Owen (whose true name shall not be given as not all Agents have read
Ten Little Indians), Jarre Jarre had a recording made, convincing a Star Wars holoactor that he was auditioning for a major part in a play. And like U. N. Owen, Jarre Jarre inserted a charge against herself; she cited the worst Sue she'd ever slain, whom she and Stoneship had crushed between the Merry-go-Round Mountains. Unlike with Owen, the dates were not always certain, and in one case, no date was available.
Agent Tawaki Penguin believes that Jarre Jarre's plan was in the works for a while. As he told reporters, “Several missions and a major injury ago, while I was working with Tangara Braxton in the Department of Mary Sues, Myst division, I overheard [Jarre Jarre] in the postal room, considering whether Huckleberry Finn and/or Jack Merridew fit, seeing as they were both minors.” When asked why he didn't report it earlier, Tawaki said “Since I'm not a nosy person, and anyway Nick told me she started in Implausible Crossovers. I assumed she was complaining about an old fic.” Finn left some bandits on a doomed wreck on the Mississippi and Merridew was responsible for at least two deaths in
Lord of the Flies.
The recording is as follows:
“Alloran-Semitur-Corass, that in 1969 you killed millions of Hork-Bajir
“Bellik Casimir, that you vaporized everyone on board the
Aliki
and the Pride of Lions.
“CC-5052, that in 19 BBY you murdered Aayla Secura.
“Gehn son of Aitrus, that between 1762 and 1807 you slaughtered many Rivenese.
“Lord Glozelle, that in 2303 Narnia Time, you assassinated Miraz.
“Jarre Jarre Hastursen, that on May 24, 1913, you brutally killed Sunlight Moonbeam Starsong Gale.
“Maglor Fëanorion, that in I-505, you murdered Dior Eluchil.
“Malia, that in 2373, you murdered Taymon.
“Peter Pettigrew, that on June 24, 1994, you killed Cedric Diggory.
“Alexis Poindexter, that on November 17, 1877, you were responsible for the death of John Wellington Wells.”
Page Ten.
EXCLUSIVE: THE TRUTH ABOUT THE ONE RING
Reported by Yggiwt
Since the year it was created by the self-declared Dark Lord Sauron , the One Ring has been the subject of close scrutiny and - dare I say it - perhaps even deliberate fraud. From among the many obscuring wreaths of legend and myth, I have attempted to bring you the indisputable Truth. Our story begins in the land of Mordor, in the Fire of Orodruin, as the Ring is forged by Sauron.
"Well, you see," explains Sauron, looking relaxed in half a pair of sunglasses, "I wanted to take over the world. Still do, as a matter of fact. But back then when I was just starting - you know, newbie status - not many people took me seriously, with all these other more established Dark Lords around. Melkor, Voldemort, you know. So basically, I didn't have much firepower. I needed something sudden. Something strong."
His eye becomes wistful with the memory. "I'd already bought the Nine Kings of Men with the rings - some nicotine arrangement, I believe - and you know how much the Dwarves love gold. But the Elves were refusing to go along with my 'taking over the world' plans, and they'd already made some rings of their own, so I needed some way to make them bow down to me."
That something came in the shape of the One Ring. I found Snaga, one of Sauron's Orcs, happy to explain.
"Y'see, the Boss was gettin' worried, an' the other evilnesses was musclin' in on 'is patch," Snaga explains. "An' ee knew the blokes down in Gondor an' that was all superstitious. So what ee does is, ee makes yet another Ring, an' what ee sez is, ee sez, 'this 'ere Ring's magic, see, so y'all better bow down t' me or y'all be sorry.' An' all the blokes in Gondor an' that were all scared, hah, an' they tries to fight the Boss t' get It offa him."
This was the great battle of the Last Alliance. I met Runya, an Elf of Mirkwood who fought there.
"We were called into battle with the Men to fight against the dark shadow of the East," she says gravely. "That's what the generals all said. And I was enlisted because I'm good at close combat."
I can see what she means. She carries several long, ornate daggers at her belt, and her short bow alone would make a deadly club. But Runya seems to know, or suspect, much of what goes on behind closed doors. "I don't think there was any reason to go to war," she bursts out abruptly. "The claim was, Sauron had armies many hundreds of thousands strong. He obviously had armies, yes but where were the hundreds of thousands? Where was this terrible Ring with its fabled powers? Of course, that human Isildur was wrapped up in the whole scam. He took the Ring away so that no-one would see it for what it was: a useless piece of gold!"
She slaps the table with her fist, as if to emphasize her point. "Then Sauron or someone had him killed to stop him talking, spilling the beans."
But this assassination had an unforeseen setback. The Ring was lost for many decades, at the bottom of the River Anduin. Lost, that is, until one day, a hobbit found it. A hobbit who was not in on the scam. A hobbit called Deagol. His cousin, Smeagol, tells of that fateful day.
"We was fishing, yes Precious, fishing for nice fisshesss," he grimaces. "It was our birthday, our birthday, Preciousss! He should have given it to uss!"
I tell him he can ssstop - sorry, stop - talking like that. "Sorry," he apologises. "We's been on our own so long, we's started talking to ourselfs, Precious!" He tries to laugh, but he seems out of practice. "Anyways, we was fishing and he caught a fish, Precious, a fish big like a wagon! it pulled away and he fell in. We was trying to see him, Precious, but he was under the water... and he came up, and he had the Precious! We couldn'st let him keep the Precious..."
So he strangled Deagol to keep the secret? "It was our birthday, our birthday, Precious! He should have given it to us! Our birthday present, it's ours it is! And the Bagginss, he stole it from uss! The thief, the filthy -"
Unfortunately, the phone line went dead about that point, so putting away my scissors I went to meet this "Baggins". He turned out to be a short hobbit, by the name of Bilbo, but was unavailable for interview. I did, however, meet the wizard Gandalf.
"What? The Ring is a thing of terrible power!" he cries. "It must be destroyed, for if it is recovered by Sauron, it will-"
He's obviously in league with the conspirators.
So there you have it: The Truth!!
Page Eleven.
Things I am not allowed to do at the PPC
145. I will not goad MacBeth into fighting Boba Fett.
-Or Shinzon.
-Or Pinocchio.
-Or anyone else not of woman born.
146. I will not let Krazy Kat or Ignatz Mouse anywhere
near L'Université des Écrivains Miserables
-Or any RC with mini-Bricks.
147. I will not ask Gríma Wormtongue what Sirrus and
Achenar did to Narayan.
-Or how his flower cultivation on Voyager is coming
along.
-Or how things are in the madhouse.
148. I will not kill Wesley Crusher.
-Or Natty Bumppo.
-Or Sir Galahad.
-Even though they're all Stus.
149. I will not set Elladan and Elrohir up with the
Delaney sisters.
150. If I have magical abilities, I will not put
Muggle-repelling charms on the cafeteria.
-Or the lounge.
-Or Rook Takes Pawnshop.
-Or Upstairs.
-In fact, Muggle-repelling charms are forbidden at HQ
altogether.
151. I will not unleash tribbles Upstairs.
152. I will not take bets on what would happen if the
Borg met the Killiks.
153. Or if they met the Daleks.
154. I will not attempt to arrange either of these
meetings. That is a Very Bad Idea.
155. I will not try to pass off raspberry Kool-Aid as
wine, ceremonial or otherwise, or any sort of blood.
And if I do I will not wander the halls with a big
bottle of it, taking large swigs and declaring
"Tasty!"
156. The consoles cannot do Improbability, no matter
how many times I put the numbers in.
157. I cannot just substitute 42 for any data I
forget.
158. I will not try to knit things into sleeping
Agents' hair. Same goes for any part of any of the
Flowers.
159. It is not a good idea to follow Bad Slashers
around singing "Smut." Ditto Finance personnel and
"New Math."
Ditto anyone and "The Masochism Tango."
160. The disguise generators are not toys.
161. I will not leave Darth Sidious and Care-Bears in
a locked room and film what happens.
162. I will not leave Davros and Teletubbies in a
locked room and film what happens.
163. In fact, no Care-Bears or Teletubbies.
164. While we're on the subject, I will not attempt to
make characters re-enact 'The Ultimate Showdown'.
165. Not everybody loves Magical Trevor.
166. I will not teach large groups of LOTR elves to
sing Dire Straits songs, even if Arwen is so far away
from them. Elves also do not get money for nothing,
and they have so many screaming fangirls that giving
them chicks for free would be superfluous.
167. Legolas and Will Turner must never meet. There
are no exceptions to this rule.
168. No, not even at Christmas.
169. I will not get blind drunk in a bar somewhere and
put the bill on the PPC, unless I really, really want
to.
170. I will not drag Agents Jay and Acacia back into
HQ. They've had far too much of that and cannot be
held responsible for their actions.
-The same goes for Agents Dafydd and Constance.
-And all other Agents who've left.
171. I will not mention the name 'Jaycacia Thornbyrd'.
It's bad luck.
172. Despite the Temple-for-rent, I will not attempt
to set myself up as deity over HQ. The last three
people to have done so burst into flames.
173. While on the subject, I will not set fire to
anyone who sets his- or herself up as deity over HQ.
174. I will not run through the corridors screaming.
The Flowers tend to overreact.
175. I will not reprogram my console to say 'Hello,
Dave'.
-Or 'I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that'.
-Or anything else said by HAL.
176. Some Agents are ex-Mary-Sues. I will not
persecute them for this; they can't help it.
177. I will not use the Disguise Generator inside HQ.
-Especially not to disguise myself as a 'Sue. It only
causes trouble.
178. I will not let loose Ku-ri-bohs into HQ.
-Ever.
-On that note, I will not hug them--no matter how
iressistably cute they are. I will blow up.
-On another note, I will not use them as projectiles
against 'Sues as that's just plan animal cruelty.
(Unless the Sue hugs it herself, then it's her own
damn fault.)
179. The Clover is very much abused. I must not lust
after/try to harrass/plead with/etc. it.
-Unless I happen to be Agent Shinra.
180. I will not put Agent Shinra and the Clover in the
same room just to see what happens.
-This also goes for any other Flower and said
aforementioned Agent. Just in case.
181. I will not make any baby cry.
-Especially if said baby came from the PPC Nursery.
-Also, if I do make a baby cry from the Nursery I will
run as fast as almighty Hell--I will not stop to check
to see if Agent Shinra is chasing me or not.
182. Under any circumstances, I will not remark about
how Agent Ueru is dragging his feet in front of Agent
Shinra.
-Especially if I value my life.
-On that note, it'd be best not to mention their
several failed weddings as well.
-Especially if I value my afterlife.
183. PPC weddings are far and few. I will NOT crash
it.
-Even if it's fun to do so.
-And I will NOT invite the Orcish Inquisition.
184. Under no circumstances that might come into play
anywhere in the multiverse am I to film a Truth or
Dare game, edit the heads of those agents I despise
onto the bodies, add a few Plants and possibly some
monsters in, and then email the results to everybody
in HQ.
-If I do do such a thing, I am to understand that a
painful and humiliating death is only what I deserve.
185. I am not Thranduil's wife, and neither is my
partner.
-I am not Thranduil's husband, either.
-I will not in any way imply that I am related to the
Royal family of Mirkwood.
186. Mini-Boarders have sharp hooves and long, silky
hair, and are not to be confused with mini-Balrogs,
who are essentially made out of flames.
-I will not put the two in a room together and refuse
to let them out.
-No, not even if I really, really hate anything with
hooves.
-And mini-Balrogs are not to be put in fishtanks,
mini-Deepcoiler tanks, or anything containing water.
187. Even if I can hack into other agents' consoles
and send them awful missions, I am not permitted to do
this.
188. I will never, ever ask the cafeteria people what
the food is made out of.
-Especially when it looks like something I recognize.
189. I will not use my console's print function to
make banners out of memorable moments from Celebrian.
-or any other badfic, for that matter.
190. I will not try to punch a hole in an exterior
wall.
191. For that matter, I will not try to punch a hole
in any walls.
-or cut a hole with a lightsaber.
192. I will not glomp hS when he comes to visit.
-or Al's Waiter.
-or any other ridiculously hot elf.
193. I will never, never, make that high pitched
beeping soun d when one of the larger non-human agents
is backing up.
-Ever.
194. I will not leave copies of Play-Ent (from OFUM)
lying around where a flower will find them.
195. I will not portal Legolas to Hogwarts.
196. I will not do something horrible to another Agent
and then neuralyze them.
197. I will not hock the Flowers at Rook Takes
Pawnshop.
198. If my Universal Translator is broken, I will not
shout profanity in tlhingan Hol at Makes-Things until
he fixes it.
199. I will not organize mass thefts of the Multiverse
Monitor.
200. I will not send newbies out into the hall just
before the Tuesday Afternoon Gravity Shift.
201. I will not burst into the lounge and yell
"Where's Waldo?"
202. I will not send the Minotaur to the Rishi Maze.
203. Atrus is not Makes-Things.
204. I will not give Sirius Black to Œdipus as a
seeing-eye dog.
-Nor Abernathy.
-Nor a Talking Dog from Narnia.
205. I will NEVER put all the silver haired villains
of all the Square-Enix universes in the same room just
to see what happens.
-Vice versa with all the blade weilding, spikey haired
heroes.
206. I will restrain myself whenever I see a 'DO NOT
HUG, WILL TURN INTO (insert Chinese Zodiac animal
here)' sign on the backs of anyone from the 'Fruits
Basket' universe.
-Especially if they're of the opposite sex.
207. I will never, ever use the Redneck Trees as a Bad
Slash OC's execution method again.
-Even though it WAS pretty funny.
-In fact, I will never, ever even mention the Redneck
Trees incident again.
-Especially not in front of Agent Stormsong or Agent
Skyfire.
-Even more especially not in front of the Flowers.
208. I am not to deliberately set off the flashbacks
of traumatised agents.
-Even if it is funny to watch them twitch.
209. If I get into a debate over the effectiveness of
a torture/execution method, I am not to prove my point
by testing it on my opponent.
210. I am not to visit characters in the Psych ward or
Disturbing Acts of Violence ward and taunt them by
reminding them of the fics they've just been taken
from.
211. I am not to visit characters at Fanfiction
Universities and show them Disturbing Acts of Violence
missions about themselves.
-Even if they deserve the mental trauma.
212. I will not use the word 'angle' in Sephiroth's
hearing. Badfic epithet flashbacks are not pretty.
213. Nor will I ask Sephiroth where the other nine of
him are. He might tell me.
214. In fact, I will never speak in Sephiroth's
hearing.
215. Although my knowledge of animal anatomy serves me
well in my chosen fandom, I will not try to press this
knowledge onto my fellow agents, especially if they do
not work in such a fandom.
216. I will not train my minis to attack people until
they hand me Bleeprin.
-not even if I have run out of Bleeprin.
217. Mixing Stuff and Bleeprin is definately out,
although mixing chocolate and bleeprin, might be wise,
up to a point.
218. If I get a railgun of DoSAT, I will not keep in
loaded and point it at fellow Agents or Sunflowers,
not even to get a raise, empahsize that I don't want
to go on a mission, or anything.
-This goes double for flame throwers or any weapon
that can use incendiary ammunition.
219. I will not visit an OFU to take out my frustation
at the author of the fanfict that broke my partner's
mind without being asked.
-kidnapping an OFU student and taking them along into
their own fics is also verbotten.
220. I will refrain from screaming obscenities at
canon characters
221. Even if they are about to shoot/execute/torture
my LO
222. I will also refrain from trying to do CPR on
canon characters
223. ESPECIALLY if they are one of my LOs
224. In fact, I will not interfere with the canon in
any way, even to save my LO (this point has prabably
been made before, but I think it's one of the most
important)
225. Just because Xena did it, doesn't mean I can.
226. Forget 15 seconds, if the very thought of an
action makes me giggle, I am to assume that I am
forbidden to do it.
227. I may not tell the interns that the cafeteria
serves Soylent Green.
228. Never let my homicidal maniac ex-mercenary ex-Sue
partner handle Gunblades. Ever.
-or Keyblades.
-or Batleths.
-or Zat Guns.
229. I may not steal Sue hair for voudoun rituals. The
Lwa hate Sues.
230. I may not use my button trenchcoat as scale mail.
-Even if they make for a great distraction.
231. "Friendly Fire" does not mean introducing oneself
and shaking hands before blowing them to Kingdom Come.
232. I may not madly stab at my food and insist it's
"troublesome."
233. Sue skulls make great paperweights. They suck as
drinking vessels.
234. My uniform is all black. I will therefore not
wear long purple dresses.
235. Canon characters are not to be pulled into Truth
or Dare games.
-Come to that, I am not allowed to dare anyone to do
anything involving a Canon character.
-No, not even if it would be fun.
-I am especially not to pull a character out of
FicPsych for a Truth or Dare game.
-No, not even if I neuralyse them afterwards.
236. I am not to yell, "The Daleks are coming!" in a
crowded room.
-Or, "The DIS are coming!"
-Or any version of the above, substituting 'Urgals',
'Mary Sues',or indeed anything.
237. OFU students are not my personal toys and I may
not treat them as such.
-Unless the Coordinater gives me permission to do so.
238. I may not strip in the Cafeteria during lunch.
-Not even if my partner asks me to.
-Especially not outside of a Truth or Dare game.
239. I will not buy bondage gear for the SO.
-Or the Marquis de Sod.
-Or any other Flower.
-Or any Plant.
-I may under no circumstances knock out a Flower, put
said Flower into bondage gear, and then dump it in
fromt of another Flower in a similar predicament.
-This goes for fellow Agents as well.
240. I may not recruit Borg as Sue hunters. Though
they'd be great at the hunt, their method of
assimilating alien knowledge is bound to lead to
trouble.
241. If my LO is drugged and woozy, I will not pretend
to be his/her significant other.
242. I will not spray weed killer on the Flowers.
243. I will not send Tom Riddle to Mordor.
-Or Jadis.
-Or Meeks.
-Or Achren.
244. I will not ask an Elf why they are showing
emotion or why their blood isn't green.
245. I will not spray a Killik nest with DDT to "see
what happens."
246. I will not sing "The Hedgehog Song" in Narnia.
-Or in Mossflower Country.
-Or in any other 'verse with sentient or
anthropomorphic animals.
247. I will not sing "Yoda" at the Jedi Temple.
248. I will not reinact the Escher scene from
'Labyrinth'.
-Especially not with Suicide as Jareth.
-And any of the Nursery babies as Toby.
249. As much as I love Scooby-Doo, doing any chase
scenes in any of the Escher rooms is a big no-no.
-Especially with the new recruits.
250. Do not mention gravity in any of the Escher
rooms. It's not funny to tempt fate while walking
sideways/upside down/diagonally/etc...
251. There are many versions of the Ironic Overpower.
Fear them. Even if they have funny names.
-Like Kiwi.
-Or Apple.
-Or Apple and Kiwi.
-Especially near the Department of Bad Slash.
252. I will not send any agent to the Star Trek
continuum in a red shirt.
-Not even on April Fool's Day.
253. I will not say "She's dead, Jim," every time I
kill a Mary Sue.
-Even if my partner's name is Jim.
254. I will not mix Romulan Ale with Bleeprin.
-Unless I have just escaped from a fic of Celebrian
quality or worse.
255. Molotov cocktails with bleepka is a waste of
bleepka.
256. I am NOT MacGuyver. I can't fix my console with a
ballpoint pen, a rubber band, a sweat sock, and
knitting needles.
-Makes-Things can't do it either.
257. I am not to quote Invader Zim while chasing Sues.
258. I may not give River Tam a Gunblade and sic her
on the Sue.
-Nor Saavedro.
-Nor Gollum.
-Detective Tutuola is RIGHT OUT.
259. I may not smack a Sparklypoo on the snoot with a
rolled up copy of ANY goodfic.
-Not even to toast marshmallows on her when bursts
into flames.
260. Cthulhu is on a strict no-Sue Diet. How do you
think he got so portly.
261. There is no patron saint of the PPC. I am not
dead, nor good and pure enough to qualify.
-I may not mint saint's medals with my face on them.
-Unless I stop selling them at ludicrous prices.
Page Twelve.
LO of the Month.
Maglor Feanorian.
Advertisments!
Proud to present, the PPC Chessset version. Made from Glitter Gold, we
have replaced both sides with approiate figures for the PPC agent. The
black pieces were replaced with PPC approaite icons. With generic
agents as pawns, the king replaced by the DMS's very own SunFlower
Offical, the Queen by Jay and Acia, and the Rooks by agents from the
DoGA. The Sue side was replaced with Sues of Course, with flying
illogically sues as knights, pawns as the generic pretty sues, a super
sue as Queen, and a Suethor as King. Buy now, an you will get 2
bottles of Bleeprin free.
Also, don't forget to get your 2006 edition of "Jane's all the PPC's
method of Sue execution of 2006." This book has all the ways that our
agents have dispatched Sues, and the book itself can be used as a
weapon to dispatch the dreaded foe.
"Looking for airfreshners. Will trade bleeprin for them. If you have,
please contact Agent Naomi in RC 106. "
(Note from the Editor: I'm sorry it's late. Very sorry. But right now I'm also very tired, and I'm having issues with my self-esteem, and certain other people aren't really helping, and when I talk to people I'm so tired that I start being rude and not meaning to. And, uh, other stuff. But I'm still very sorry.
Much thanks as always to the wonderful people who sent in material: Twiggy, Kitsune, Fynn, Tawaki, Leto Haven, Zoe, and...anyone I've forgotten. (Partial thanks go to Huinesoron, but he only supplied a character and not a picture, so he doesn't really count...)
Submissions are always very, very welcome. The email is
estelnar.silverstream@googlemail.com.
I hope you enjoyed the edition.
~Starwind Rohana.)
