Page Two: What Weapon?
Page Three: TOPLESS AGENT
Page Four: Sunflower Official Brutally Murdered!
Page Five: 'Sue!Child Outcome!
Page Six: Top Ten Agent Peeves!
Page Seven: Mystery Assasin Causes Continuum Chaos!
Page Eight: Romulan Ale in Potterverse Potions!
Page Nine: Discworld Local News.
Page Two.
The What Weapon? Column – April 2007 edition
Never before have we had such a glorious summer!* The sky is blue, the birds are singing, and Bongo Bongo is "taking advantage of" the sun with its "hot" new product, the Sue Scrambler. This ingenious invention is solar-powered, giving it the "SO Stamp of Eco-friendliness", in the "Giving Two Hoots About Plantlife" subsection. It consists of a small black box with a streamlined antenna, and several excitingly brightly-coloured switches; this controls the car that you run over the 'Sue with. Hit her in just the right place and she'll be left not knowing if she's mad, in a coma, or back in time! And when one considers last month's offering from Bongo Bongo, one notices a trend showing itself. One wonders what one is to make of it, as well as when one might stop referring to oneself in this manner.
Saloon Gun's headline project this season is by far less mystifying, in its effect if not its workings. They have been promising us something very special this season, and "dropping hints" as though they were like dead flies, and "all the signs pointed to" some kind of flamethrower which would effect fire-element 'Sues. Now, at last, the Multiverse Monitor is very proud to bring to you, the public, the exclusive first look at the Mega Mammoth Golem Gun! Thanks to a simple yet messy procedure which hired out some of the laws of physics from the Pokémon continuum and spliced them into the mechanism, the gun can fire off several rounds of huge rocks at a time, dealing "super-effective!" damage and even "critical hit!"s to fire-type 'Sues. Exciting! Oh, and in case you're wondering, the Pokémon writers chose the name.
What this season lacked in quantity it made up for in quality! That is this reporter's opinion, and this is where she will sign off, because she needs some coffee.
Reported by Agent Aphrodite Brown
*Disclaimer: may not be true.
Page Three.
Simon Jones, Department of Floaters.
Page Four.
Murder in HQ!
ALL ASSASSINS, TAKE NOTE!!!
A video has been discovered in the middle of a corridor (presumably dropped by one of the perpetrators) that shows, shockingly, the Sunflower Official being EXECUTED. Unfortunately the sound has been corrupted, seeming to identify the Nightshade as the Head of the Department of Internal Affairs, so we are unable to determine the true culprits, but this OUTRAGE demands a response!
Official word from the Board of Flowers has made no mention of this HENIOUS act, so we sought out the Marquis de Sod (who presumably will be in charge of choosing the next Head of the Department of Mary-Sues) for comment. He was in a meeting with someone who LOOKED JUST LIKE the SO when we arrived, but a little bit of creative violence solved that problem.
What are you talking about? the Daisy asked us. He was just in here, he can't be dead.
Aha, we said, but that's just what you would tell us. And then we made a few accusations that need not be printed, and inquired as to where else the video could have come from.
Maybe a trans-dimensional slip? the Marquis suggested, with what we think was sarcasm. Maybe you made it up?
We obviously weren't getting anything out of him, so we went to look for someone who might know a little more. We tried the SO's FORMER office, but the only Flower there was that impersonator Sunflower, who accused us of being irresponsible and dangerously insane. How terribly rude.
Unfortunately, by this time the Marquis had clearly spread the word – obviously he was a part of the CONSPIRACY which KILLED the SO – and no one else would let us in. By this time our shouting had gained us quite a few followers, so we talked to one of them, Agent Kayleigh of the Department of Bad Slash.
Reporter: Agent Kayleigh, what do you think of the news that the SO has been brutally murdered?
Kayleigh: The who?
A brief explanation ensued.
Kayleigh: Ooooh, him! Well, obviously it's the fault of the DIS sympathisers in DAVD. They're evil, you know, pure evil.
This didn't exactly mesh with what we had determined, but, we decided, why couldn't there be MORE THAN ONE conspiracy to kill the Sunflower Official? We tried to ask Agent Kayleigh for more information, but she started going on about her partner instead.
While we were unable to get many details, we have found that at least one, possibly two or more EVIL CONSPIRACIES at the HEART of the PPC had been working against the SO for a long time, and finally completed their task and BURNT HIM ALIVE. One of these groups – headed by the Director of Personnel himself!!! – has since placed another Sunflower in his place, attempting to fool the PPC into believing that he is still alive.
But we will NOT be fooled! The conspirators will NOT get away with this! We will continue to investigate until ALL BECOMES CLEAR!!!
Page Five.
Brief Solution to 'FicVerse Children.
Comparatively recent arrivals to the PPC, Agents Stormsong and Skyfire (late of Snowspine’s Vengeance Quest, one of the few actual good fics to slip through the PPC net when an Intelligence agent was off sick), now have some recent arrivals of their own. According to Doctor Fitzgerald and Agent Nin Brandt, HQ’s resident musteline exorcist team have adopted two kits rescued by Agents Nin and Luxury from a recent badfic.
“Well, we had to put them somewhere,” said Doctor Fitzgerald in a recent interview. “We can’t just put them straight in among the humanoid children in the Bleeding Hearts nursery, we need to break them in gently. And the Mossflower division have been spending a lot of time in here with this particular badfic series recently, so I just had to wait till these two turned up and ask them to watch the kits.”
Further investigation disclosed the identity of the kits: Taflor, a newborn male otter cub, offspring of the Taggerung and a now-deceased Mary Sue; and Mulla, the preteen daughter of vermin leader Sawney Rath and an OC female ferret.
“We’re working on new names for them,” Agent Skyfire told this reporter. “We’ve had offers of help from some of our friends, and we’ll get by with them. I’ll admit this isn’t really something I imagined I’d ever find myself doing, but if I can adjust from being a vermin horde subcaptain to being an exorcist, I can deal with this.”
When asked if the adoption was to be permanent, Skyfire insisted it was not. “Really, we won’t be keeping them forever. They’ll be moving into the nursery as soon as possible, but Doctor Fitzgerald thinks they’d get a better start to HQ life by staying with us until they get used to seeing humans around.”
Agent Stormsong refused to comment beyond muttering something under his breath about “medication”. When asked if the children were really that difficult to handle, he replied “I do apologise, I meant not to give the impression ‘twas for them.”
Agent Nin was unavailable for comment at this time, and we don’t even want to think about interviewing Agent Luxury, but Agent Drake, another zoomorphic agent who has recently started to make the acquaintance of Stormsong and Skyfire, agreed to comment; “Yeah, I think it’s great. I know those kids need a stable home, and I think those gusy are about the nearest they’re going to get in HQ. Poor kids, they’ve been through a lot, bloody Suethor …” He then degenerated into muttering under his breath and stroking a railgun. Eventually this reporter offered Sue-jerky, and Drake calmed down enough to continue speaking. “So does this mean Stormsong and Skyfire are settling down? I guess they don’t want to tell anyone. I mean, a weasel and a stoat, that’s a bit odd, but I’m open-minded and I’m sure the humans won’t care … what? Why are you laughing at me? What’s so funny? No, really, what?”
More on this story as it continues. This reporter wishes Stormsong and Skyfire and their friends well in raising the new arrivals. Any agents wishing to drop in and meet the children, bring welcoming gifts, suggest new names for them, or commiserate with the suckers foster-parents should go to Call Centre #666.
~ Agent Laburnum
Page Six.
An Anonymous Agent's Top Ten Pet Peeves
10: The layout of the place. Curse you, Bloody Stupid Johnson! Curse you, M. C. Escher!
9: Agents who run down the corridors yelling "Mr. Rogers! Mr. Rogers!" and waving activated flamethrowers around. *snaps and dashes out into the corridor with an activated flamethrower and starts yelling "Mr. Rogers! Mr. Rogers!"*
8: That gorram console's nonexistant volume control. IT MAKES ME SO MAD I WANT TO SCREAM!
7: Those bloody Flowers docking my pay and denying me vacation time. I mean, it's not like I MEANT to destroy Atrus' library on Myst Island.
6: Those kriffing No-Drool videos. I mean, I was only LOOKING at Seven of Nine. I spat at the Gary Stu, that's why there's salivary amylase residue on my sleeve. Really.
5: Overly friendly mini-Balrogs. Ow! Down, Tríun Turambar! Where's the f---ing solarcane!
4: The zarking Subconscious Suvian-Soundproofing System has been offline ever since my attempt to remodel the Response Center.
3: Mary Sues.
2: My partner. She annoys me almost as much as I annoy her.
1: The Laws of Narrative Comedy. Now that I've finished this, I think I'll go have a nap - AAAAAARRRRRRGH! Legolas falls in love with a WHAT?
Page Seven.
"MASKED MYSTERY ASSASSIN STILL AT LARGE".
PPC agents are all a'twitter as rumors of a mystery assassin are pouring in. The mystery assassin, wearing the PPC uniform sans flashpatch, has been seen in fandoms from Artemis Fowl to Zelda, striking terror into the hearts of Sues, and puzzlement into the brains of agents.
"We had just cornered this Sue outside Rivendell. Typical Tenth Walker, half-elf, prettier than Arwen, better fighter than Aragorn, you know the drill." Said Agent Zed. "Course we hadn't reckoned on her pet tiger showing up. Who has a pet tiger anyway? It'd eat your face off as soon as there was a growling in its tummy."
"Anyway," interrupted his partner, Agent Ypres, "this guy swoops out of nowhere, takes out the tiger that's about to jump us from behind, chops off the Sue and portals away, leaving us with a nice messy corpse on our hands. I mean, thanks for the assist, but how about a little help with the cleanup?"
"I saw him challenge Darth Maul's evil twin to a lightsabre duel. He's sooo dreamy. Such a dashing, heroic, murderous psychopath." Said Agent Ange, shortly before being escorted to Medical for Anti-Lustin treatments.
While some agents are pleased about the new assassin's arrival, others have reservations. Your intrepid reporter took to the corridors to get the people's reactions.
Sunflower Official: He doesn't want paying, does he?
Agent Anon: "Cor, really? How do you contact him? I've got a few things he could take off me hands for me."
Makes-things: "I like him better than your lot. He doesn't bum equipment off me and return it in pieces."
Agent Sydney: "Sure he can kill Sues, but can he cook?"
Sue D. Nym of the Department of Fictional Psychology theorizes that the Mystery Assassin is merely a product of a few Agents' overactive imaginations. "Well, Agents are just these guys, you know? The repetitive stress of killing Sue after Sue has caused these Agents to form a mental construct of the perfect Agent, who can kill every Sue, leaving regular Agents to their favored pastimes of fangirling and fanboying. The rumor that this Mystery Assassin is an unassuming Agent from the HQ divisions who desires to taste the thrill and excitement of killing Sues and protecting Canon, instead of living vicariously through the field agents she comes into contact with every day, are simply ludicrous."
Our interview with Dr. Nym was cut short when she had to respond to an unspecified emergency.
Who is this mystery Assassin? Mass hallucination, or mild-mannered Agent? We leave it to our readers to decide.
Page Eight.
Romulan Ale's effect on Potterverse potion brewing
Agents Orual and Gus of the Department of Mary Sues, HP division, have revealed a new way to torment HP Sues: pour Romulan ale into their potions.
"We confiscated six bottles of the stuff from Hogwarts after killing a Trekkie!Sue who could conjure anything she wanted, whether it existed or not," said Orual. "Unfortunately we're both allergic to the stuff. Then we were sent an HP Sue who was supposed to be fall in love with Snape." When asked about the potion sabotage, she said, "It was Gus' idea. We donned invisibility cloaks and poured just a little bit of the ale into each potion the Sue made. It was great fun. We destroyed three of her cauldrons, made Pink and Purple Stuffs, and even made things go boom!"
"Whoever thought potions could be ruined by such small amounts of contaminants?" said Gus. "We even killed the Sue with a tainted potion. After we charged her, she tried to drink some Felix Felicis. One cc Romulan ale, and it reacted with something to make strychnine." When asked if they tried it again, he said, "That was our latest mission."
Orual even wrote up a list of all the results they got, both with the potions and the characters.
Romulan ale's effect on Potterverse potion brewing, by Agent Orual
Draught of Living Death
1 cc added with the sopophorous bean juice made the potion begin fizzing as Main!Sue stirred it. It exploded on the sixth stir. Very OOC, Snape allowed a do-over.
1 cc added in between the fourth and fifth stirs made it a thin beige liquid emitting noxious blue smoke. Main!Sue had to go to the hospital wing.
1 cc added at the end made the potion glow red hot; it cooled to a lime green powder. Neither Snape, Main!Sue, nor Sidekick!Sue have any clue just what is going on.
Amortentia
1`cc added just before the ashwinder eggs made the potion disappear with a red flash and a loud bang that broke Main!Sue's cauldron and eardrums as soon as the eggs were added.
1 cc added at the end turned the potion black. Main!Sue's plan to make Snape fall in love with her this way failed. Sues appear to be starting Felix Felicis now.
An Elixir to Induce Euphoria
1 cc added at the end yielded Pink Stuff. The Words had Main!Sue and Sidekick!Sue sample some; they have killer hangovers today. We are staying in the Room of Requirement to miss the ensuing angst, which is Sidekick!Sue's specialty.
Hiccuping Solution
1 cc added at the end made the potion a corrosive red liquid that ate holes in Main!Sue's cauldron. The Words forced Snape to pronounce it "absolutely flawless." Gus threw his melting CAD into Sidekick!Sue's potion, turning it urple.
Polyjuice Potion
1 cc added with the lacewing flies turned the potion into orange tar. Main!Sue and Sidekick!Sue started over.
1 cc added one week into the simmering made Purple Stuff immediately. Oh, sorry, was I not supposed to reveal that?
1 cc added just after the boomslang skin: KABOOM!
1 cc added with Hermione's hair turned the potion silver. It poisoned Sidekick!Sue. Selfish Main!Sue left her to die in order to cover her own tracks. Everyone believed her when she said she had no part in the illicit potion-brewing.
Veritaserum
1 cc added before the potion was started made a cyan lump that rose like bread dough in a matter of seconds once the potion was complete. Sue is beginning to get suspicious
1 cc added at the end turned the potion into octarine slime. We neuralyzed everyone who noticed (the existance of that color is a PPC and Discworld secret) and added another cc.
2 cc's added at the end turned the potion into a green liquid that burst into white flames within a second and burned away. Once again, the Words forced Snape to pronounce it "absolutely flawless."
Felix Felicis
1 cc added at the end turned the potion a slightly lighter yellow and made it poisonous. Exit Sue.
Page Nine.
Canon News.
Apparently, a joint action of the Ankh Morpork City Watch and the Guild of Seamstresses has succeded in closing down a most disreutable brothel operationg out of the central Shades. Not only was it filthy and its proprietors abusive towards the "merchandise", but the ladies themselves were not ladies at all, instead being girls between the ages of 10 and 14 years of age. Although the raid resulted in 5 broken limbs, two full castrations and a very tidy beheading on account of Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, this action is considered to be, in fact, less messy than the three raids conducted in Pseudopolis last year.
When Interviewed, Cmdr. Sir Samuel Vimes commented that the only reason the surviving suspects wouldn't be handed over to the mob is the chance that they might escape. Mrs. Rosie Palm of the Guild of Seamstresses lauded The Agony Aunts on their valiant service in their 'advanced years', and proclaimed that the guild would work tirelessly to protect the Women and Girls of Ankh and Morpork from these sorts of Horrors.
