THE HQ POOL ? REAL OR MYTH?

As of last Thursday, rumors are rife within the PPC Headquarters of a mystical place, the existence of which has heretofore only been thought of as a legend, at most. A haven for the worn and blood-soaked, indeed, a veritable Shangri La to the overworked and battle-weary.

I am sure that you have guessed which place I mean by now, even if the title hadn?t tipped you off already. The HQ pool.

Many have long speculated about the existence of this place, but until a few days ago no one had seen it first hand (and lived to tell, that is). What happened last Thursday, at exactly 07.03pm, might just provide the evidence which will prove these theories true, warranting an organized, systematic search of the entire Headquarters, futile as that might be. We have managed to persuade agent Unn Lyeklea, who was the one to (allegedly) fall into the disputed body of water, to grant us an interview.

C: So, tell us; what happened to you last Thursday?

U: Well, I was chasing after Bomibur ? my mini, you know ? because my idiot partner had startled him so badly he ran off. Or maybe he was looking for food... Anyway, I was running after him and not really thinking about where I was going, and suddenly, splash! I was breathing in water. It was a right shock, believe me. Luckily I?m a decent swimmer, or I wouldn?t be here now.

So, I got out of the water and looked around, and guess what? I was in this huge room, with all these different pools, some of them hot tubs by the looks of them, and there wasn?t a single person in sight! It was all quiet, and the water reflected the light, so it was all just really weird. I haven?t been able to find my way back since then, of course, but I will never stop trying! I know what I saw, no matter what anyone says.

C: ... Yes, quite. Good luck to you.

We decided to talk to agent Lyeklea?s partner, agent Simon Jones, to find out if he could in any way confirm or deny his partner?s tale. The response from that quarter was, however, disheartening.

C: Is there anything you could tell us, agent Jones, about agent Lyeklea?s encounter with the pool? Our readers are dying to find out the truth.

S: Oh, what has she been saying now? Look, you really shouldn?t believe anything she tells you. Eru knows I don?t. She?s a bit confused, you see, and likes getting attention... All in all, you mustn?t take her seriously.

C: Eh.. . Okay, but the fact is that she was seen by quite a few, last Thursday evening, wandering around the corridors soaking wet, telling anyone who would listen about the pool she found. Don?t you think there might be something to her story?

S: What you have to understand is, that girl can get incredibly annoying. Yes, it?s true that she came back to our response center dripping all over the place and full of some nonsense about a pool, but most likely someone just got tired of her pestering them and dumped a bucket of water over her head. It wouldn?t be the first time something like that happened. Just do yourselves a favor and don?t credit anything she says.

C: All right, we?ll keep that in mind. Thank you for your time, agent Jones.

No conclusive evidence has, as of yet, been found as to the existence, or not, of the HQ pool. If anyone has any further information, feel free to send it in. A reward will be given to the first person to supply us with a genuine photograph of the pool.

~Coffeecup

Narto Telyan, Pyro Department.

My Partner Vanished!

A few days ago, we heard that Agent Salamander, Department of Bad Slash, had vanished in mysterious circumstances. Of course, we immediately captured his partner Kayleigh to find out what had happened.

Apparently, her partner vanished in the middle of a crowded pub. "I was watching the characters, but when I looked around, Sal wasn't there." Starwind asks if she was worried at the time. "No, I guessed he'd show up eventually. Anyway, I had other stuff to do."

What was this 'other stuff'? "The story, silly! I had to exorcise all the Canons, and the story was only halfway done. You're very large for a Nac Mac Feegle."

Nac Mac Feegle...oh, yes, my partner's covered in woad, and Kayleigh apparently has ADHD. But that's not really the point. Didn't she worry when her partner failed to show up after the mission was done? "Why should I? I asked the people at the pub to keep an eye out for him."

Through a lot of prodding, it is discovered that Agent Salamander disappeared around four days ago. Kayleigh makes a few more comments, and then, with some relief on our part, has to go back to her Department.

Salamander has yet to be located, although some of his equiptment was found outside the pub by a team sent to look for him. What's happened to him? Where has he gone? How can anyone vanish when surrounded by people? Is he even still alive? We hope to find out!

Dear Monitor of the Multiverse,

I am bored. So I am writing you a letter. This is of course a very stunning development which I am sure you will appreciate highly.

And I wish you to know simply this: at three o'clock on May twentieth, or as close as can be judged, I will take hostage all members of the MM staff and hold them captive in a place unnamed in this epistle. I will only consider negotiations with the Flowers as to a peaceful settlement if they send me large quantities of chocolate first.

Sincerely yours,

[Name left intentionally blank]

(As a response to this, Agent Estelnar would like to say "...right".)

Dear whoever,
I'm not getting paid. Why aren't I getting paid?
-M. Karth.

Leo: You're in for a bit of a rough time this month.Work'll be harder than ever, and you won't get much sleep. But don't feel down! Some good will come of it -you'll get to steal a lot of jewellery.

Capricorn: Your workload will be less -for a few days. Then it'll be higher than ever.

Pisces: You will Vanish In Mysterious Circumstances and come back as a Mary Sue. You will then be rescued by your old partner.

Libra: Watch out for cows, blackberries, and infra-black. These may prove harmful to your sanity.

Sagittarius: You will find large numbers of goat following you around. Creative uses may come to mind.

Gemini: Everyone will blame you for whatever goes wrong. Keep your temper in check -it will backfire on them in the end.

Aries: Avoid cheese, wasps, and the Flowers That Be. Failure to do so may result in a trip to Medical to remove the flamethrower.

Taurus: Good things are due to come your way. Be patient -they'll arrive soon.

Cancer: Soon, you will find yourself in possession of a crate of Bleeprin. Watch out, though -some of it may be poisoned by a regenade Mary Sue.

Virgo: If your partner is getting moody, don't worry -they'll be fin soon. You may have to give them a good deal of anti-Lustin, though.

Scorpio: Eat lots of cake. You'll need it to survive the breast-feeding 'Sues.

Aquarius: If you work in Bad Slash, request a transfer. It's about to get badder, at least for you. Bright clothing is reccomended.

Foreign correspondence: The Fight for Fictional Rights Continues

by Uncommon Comma

C?rdoba, the Real World ? Agents Isaiah and Mara, rumored to be lost forever after being sucked into a logic loophole on Redwall's Sampetra, have somehow turned up in Spain, where they are currently on holiday and fighting for recognition in their temporary residence. We notified the Department of Personnel once the DTE veterans were confirmed to be alive, and a number of disappointed agents were shooed away from Mara's quarters, which they had been trying to claim because of gossip that her console BEEEP was softer than normal.

"HAH!" said Agent Mara when asked about this via an HQ webcam. "I went to see Makes-Things, all right, but I wanted to turn the volume up, not down. It's actually half a decibel louder now."

(Upon this reply, Mara's status as "sane" was moved from "questionable" to "nonexistent" for thirteen minutes before Dr. Freedenberg checked her medical records and found that the agent was going deaf from cannon fire in her preferred PPCing fandom.)

Strangely, the Department of Personnel knew of the agents' status before the DTE notified them. Agent Quen was asked why the information did not come as a surprise.

"I knew that Isaiah was all right, because, well..." began Quen awkwardly, accidentally filing the List of Dangerous Bleeprin Derivatives under Cafeteria Menu for Thursday. "I had, er, talked with him after the incident. I am also aware that he is away on leave. In fact, I sent him a letter with the patented Department of Personnel Stationary?"

Handmade, each packet of 30 sheets worth 5 bars of chocolate, available now! interjected the Marquis de Sod.

"Unfortunately, there were problems with the delivery," Quen continued.

While Quen would not confirm the long-suspected bigamous marriage between herself, Isaiah, and Gorifindel the mini-Balrog, she went on to tell reporters about the struggle the DTE agents had with receiving mail. It seems that when a name not normally recognized as a "real" person receives mail, there is a considerable delay?even if the address is correct.

"It took three months for my letter to reach them!" Quen exclaimed. "Can you believe it? The only explanation is written on the envelope. It's very rude, if you ask me."

"The world is prejudiced against us," said Isaiah, "just because our adventures take place in a so-called fictional universe. What did we ever to do them, I wonder? I feel that this is an important issue. Letters from kids to Santa getting lost in the post office, I can understand. But for goodness' sake, we have a department to run!"

Isaiah and Mara, fed up with this second-class treatment, lodged a complaint with the WWW DoT, or Worlds Within Worlds Department of Technicalities, in order to protest this terrible injustice and gain recognition as Actual Entities. Sadly, upon arrival, the agents themselves were placed under arrest for "breaking the fourth wall" and other misdemeanors. The WWW DoT was keen on letting them go, since Agent Isaiah had in tow a total of five Misspelled Monkeys. Instead, the Department of Technical Errors agents landed themselves in even bigger trouble by attempting to correct the officers' grammar.

"You see split infinitives everywhere these days," commented Agent Mara, "but one place they shouldn't appear is on a list of crimes committed. I know this from experience."

In the end, the agents were punished by being forced to apply Wite-Out to all of the red pen that they had used to correct documents and vandalize computer screens in the WWW DoT office. Grammer, the head of Grammar Division, believes that this is a sign of Post-Trochaic Stress Disorder, brought about by reading too many parodies of medieval Spanish poetry. According to Grammer, it is high time for the agents to return to duty. At the very least, it will make e-mail once again the agents' primary form of interdepartmental communication.

Lord Elrond of Imladris.

Belgium Chocolate! Get your Belgium chocolate here!
RC 719, Agents L. Kathy and Reki.