Tales from Alter!World

Chapter 4: Too Sexy To Make Sense

Thalia (shaking her head): Oy.

(From under a large pile of debris, Drew surfaces, coughing and gasping.)

Drew (looking around): Where am I? (she sees Thalia) Oh, no. Are you going to start worshipping me again?
Thalia: Worship...you? Why?? Who are you?
Drew: I'm Drew. Drew Marigold.
Thalia (shocked): Drew?! Like...from Lord of the MST?!
Drew: Yeah! ...and you're Thalia Weaver?
Thalia: How'd you know that?
Drew: Erm...just a hunch.

(Suddenly, AW pops up behind Thalia.)

AW (to Thalia): Slave! Fetch me Legolas!
Thalia: Yaaaah! ...who are YOU?
AW: The Great and Holy AWship, Bringer of Grilled Cheese.
Drew {rolling her eyes}: Let me guess. You let supreme dictatorial power get to your head. I'm disappointed in you...
Thalia: This is really weird...you know, I was just sitting at my computer, reading-
Drew: -writing-
AW: -coding-
Thalia: -Drew's MST, and then I was in a jungle-
Drew: -palace-
AW: -kitchen-
Thalia: Being worshipped by monkeys-
Drew: -brainwashed lackeys-
AW: -cheese sandwich makers-
Thalia: And then there was an earthquake. And now I'm here.
Drew: ...I'm confuzzled.
Thalia: ...me too.
AW: For myself, I'm...blue.
All: Oy.

(There is an ominous rumblnig noise, and a whump. Aragorn and Legolas appear in midair. Aragorn falls on top of Thalia, Legolas falls on AW.)

Thalia (to Aragorn): Ooof...squeak...hi.
Aragorn: ...I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Thalia: No, no, don't get up. I'm fine. Please. Oof.
Aragorn: ...but I'll crush you to death!
Thalia (Dreamy sigh): So??

(Aragorn rolls up and scootches away from Thalia.)

Thalia (pouting): Damn.

AW (pushing Legolas off him): Stupid elf!
Legolas: *elvish*
AW: Oh yeah? Well, YOUR mother was a Balrog!
Legolas: By Elbereth, blue-elf...
AW: Nancy-pansy-prancy-sissy-poo!
Drew: No!  Legolas...!
Aragorn: ...too late...
Thalia: Greeeat. Just greeeat.
Drew: Has anybody got a sedative?

(AW starts running around in circles.)

AW: Lalalalalalalalala...
Drew (sighs):  There's only one cure for this.
Thalia: Eh, what?
Drew: Oh, man. I gotta shield my eyes, but...

(She takes something out of her pocket. It is a small, collapsible boombox.)

Drew: I always carry this in case of emergencies. (glares at Legolas) I didn't want to have to use it.
Legolas (whiny): I was provoooked!
Thalia: Hush, you! (to Drew) Just do it already. He may injure himself.

AW (skipping): Blue...lalalalalalalala...
Drew: Okay...but don't say I didn't warn you.

(She turns on the boom box. Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" blares out.)

AW (hypnotized): ...too sexy for my shirt...

(He takes off his shirt.)

Thalia: Oh, yeah! Nice going, Drew! ^_^
Drew (huddled up, covering her eyes): GYAH!
AW: ...too sexy for my love, love's going to leave me...
Thalia: Keep dancin', elf. Woo! ^_^
Aragorn (to Drew): Is she always so...hormonal?
Drew: Something tells me yes.
AW: ...too sexy for my hat...
Legolas (in agony): Stop that! Stop it! My poor delicate Elven ears!
Drew: Your ears?  What about my ears? ... What about my eyes?

(He leaps and tackles AW to the ground. Drew shuts the music)

AW (dazed): ...too...sexy...(startled) Eh what? Legolas? Why are you on top of me? (Beat.) And where's my SHIRT? GYAH!
Thalia: -_- Damn. It was just getting good, too.
(Drew rolls her eyes.)
Aragorn (to Drew): It appears our situation is worse than before.

Legolas (to AW): I swear, I feel for you only as a friend!
AW: Right. Just...friendly, platonic love.
(Legolas nods.)
AW: Then why am I shirtless? And why is the word 'sexy' stuck in my head? And WHERE is my shirt?!
Legolas: Elbereth as my witness...I do not know.

(Thalia grins evilly, stuffing something suspiciously shirtlike under the debris around her.)

Thalia (muttering; Soup Nazi): No shirt for you!
Drew: AW, you went crazy. SOMEone mentioned the... you know...
AW: What??
Drew: S-M-U-R-F-S.
AW: Ohhhh.
Drew: I had to use Drastic Measures (tm).
AW: Ohhh. Oh. Man. Sorry, Legolas...
Legolas: You're forgiven.
(They hug.)
Thalia: Mwehehehe. Legolas/AWfic...ha, I can just see it.

(Drew whacks her.)

Drew: This is complicated enough WITHOUT perversion!
Thalia: But...! (She sighs) Drat. Foiled again.
Aragorn: ...whew...
Drew: Okay, let's see. So...we're lost, in an indefinite part of an alternate dimension. Urm...supplies...
AW (searching his pockets): Three grilled cheese sandwiches.
Thalia: A piece of string. A half-eaten Milky Way. A button.
Aragorn: A pipe, bereft of weed. Alas.
Legolas: A pouchful of lembas.
Drew: A picture of my baby.  (She goes misty eyed) I miss my BABY! That's it. We have to get home.
AW: For now, we're lost in what appears to be a desert. Without water.
Drew: What do we do?
Thalia: Repopulate...?
All: Oy.

-End of Chapter Four-

Chapter Five