AW: (waves) Welcome to my first MSTing of a Lord of the Rings fanfiction. A year ago, all I knew about Lord of the Rings was that it was a fantasy book that came after The Hobbit. Now that I've finished reading all three books, Tolkien is now my favourite author of all time. Therefore, with him as my favourite author... I am very protective of his work and am very put out when people butcher it. My friend found this one fiction entitled "Chosen" on fanfiction.net and I found my first Lord of the Rings headache. Even just by the summary of the plot, there was "Mary Sue" written all over it; I hate Mary Sues with a passion. Plus, I love to MST, but MSTing this abomination of Tolkien's classic that took fourteen years out of his life to write, by my lonesome is plain suicide, soooooo... I've recruited help....
Legolas: (waves) Hello.
AW: Legolas has joined me to go through this... (sarcasm) treasure (/sarcasm) because he was actually there when the original happened and is also put through some harsh treatment by the author and I am giving him a chance for revenge.
Legolas: (eyes AW warily) What do you mean? Just how bad is this story?
AW: (continues, avoids Legolas' gaze) Anyhoo, with the reasons why I'm doing this out of the way and my help by my side, it's about time to tackle this fic that is our Mt. Doom.
Legolas: (glares) Waaaaait a minute... when I agreed to do this, you never mentioned how bad it wa...
AW: (interrupting) Too late to back out now. The doors are locked. (calls to the projection room) Okay Bounce! Load up Fanfiction.net!
(Legolas mutters something in elven.)
AW: (glares at Legolas)
I heard that.
Chapter One - Finding the Ring
AW: After years of searching,
it was actually in a Cracker Jack box.
Legolas: A what?
AW: Never mind, just keep reading.
AW: How did Romeo and Juliet make it into Tolkien's work?
Legolas: I'm sensing an elf here.
a forgotten time,
AW: The 70's.
an impossible riddle."
Legolas: Why in all of Middle Earth would this story get so many good reviews?
She watched the second hand of the clock tick away slowly. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Legolas: From my understanding, that sound is more connected to the pendulum than the second hand.
It seemed to move in slow motion,
AW: Like this dialogue.
mocking her eagerness to leave the place she’d been doomed to labor
Legolas: It's like she knows us so well!
in for the past two years.
“Nearly eleven,” Phoenix whispered to herself,
AW: Very close to 'mostly eleven'.
resting her elbows on the counter. “Kmart can close at any time.”
AW: (male voice announcer) Attention K-mart shoppers, I am actually a deep voiced woman. (quickly) Oh yeah and the store's going to close.
Phoenix Walsh was normally a patient person.
Legolas: (cringing) What
kind of person would name their child Phoenix?
AW: Maybe an X-Men fan?
Kind and understanding,
Legolas: Conceited. Let's not forget conceited.
she held an intelligence that seemed much older than herself.
(A burst of loud laughter comes from the projection room. AW and Legolas turn and look up.)
AW: (grins) I have
a feeling Bounce found something amusing.
Legolas: You don't say.
Why she was working in a retail store during the holidays was another story unto itself.
Legolas: (Phoenix) But I'll
save that one for another day.
No one ever believed that Phoenix belonged in Chicago,
AW: More like a place in Arizona actually.
working retail to pay for her schooling. Some said she hadn’t aged a day since her sixteenth birthday.
AW: Oooo. First symptom of
our Mary Sue.
Bounce: (calling down) Actually, the personality traits were!
AW: (calls up) Hey! Who's msting this? You just keep those pages scrolling... you!
Not a blemish had ever dared mar her soft skin, and even though it did tan, her skin never burned under the harsh sun’s rays.
AW: (sulks) Lucky devil.
Her long blonde hair was always shiny and smooth,
Legolas: From using Panteen Pro-V
and her blue-green eyes were bright with
never once hinting at stress or worry.
Legolas: Fatigue, boredom and laziness not withstanding.
The only imperfection,
AW: Was her face itself.
as it was often called,
Legolas: Yes, I can see it
now. Getting teased at school.
AW: (school child) HA ha! You have imperfections like all of us! You're normal!
that Phoenix seemed to possess were the slight points at the ends of her ears.
Both: (offended) Hey!
Legolas: What is wrong with pointy ears?
AW: (crosses his arms) Apparently we are imperfect, my friend.
She would often joke,
AW: (Phoenix) ...to get to the other side! Get it?
calling herself a fairy in training.
Legolas: Sooo, that would
be what exactly?
AW: Not entirely sure.
She insisted she liked herself just the way she was and would never change her ears for anything.
AW: In reality she hated them and wanted to chop them off.
“Attention Kmart shoppers, the time is now eleven o’clock and your Kmart store is now closed. We will reopen tomorrow at seven for your shopping convenience. And as always, thank you for shopping our Kmart.”
AW: What? No, 'Please make your way to the cashiers to make your purchase, then get out of our store'? Do they leave the customers in there or something?
Phoenix practically jumped out of her skin.
“Free at last!” she shouted to no one in particular, launching herself into the main aisle and all but running to the front desk. “Am I free to go?” she asked the old woman behind the counter.
Legolas: (old woman) No. You have to serve two more years of your sentence.
“Sure thing, P,
Legolas: I stand corrected. The worst thing about that name is the short form.
AW: I'd say that that's her main imperfection.
now remember you're covering Lily tomorrow.
Legolas: (old woman) She needs plenty of water.
She's going to her uncle's funeral, and we need you.”
AW: (old woman) Forget those Walmart people. We need you.
The old woman smiled, her smile lines adding at least ten years to her age.
Legolas: Unlike Phoenix who
looked like she had found the fountain of youth.
AW: And had to be carded everywhere she went.
“You always need me, Kacey,” Phoenix joked. “I think one day I'll move into Kmart,
Legolas: (Phoenix) It's my life long dream you know.
maybe I’ll live in the furniture section.
AW: (Phoenix) Yeah, that's it!
Or perhaps I’ll sleep in the fitting rooms.”
Legolas: (Phoenix) 'Cause I can sleep anywhere, you know. Remember the time you found me sleeping on shift hanging between alise 42 and 43?
“Now child,” Kacey scolded,
AW: (Kacey) No more jamming
rabbits in the vents. The janitor isn't very happy with you.
Legolas: Too many dusty bunnies.
shaking her finger at the young woman, “That’s what you’re going to college for.
AW: (Kacey) To rot your brain
with all nighters and coffee then give you a degree that no one will accept
which makes you go back again for one vicious cycle.
Legolas: Bitter, AW?
AW: Only slightly.
So then you can get out of here and make some real money, since you have decided so strongly against becoming a model.”
AW: Cause you know, models
K-mart and one other career are the only choices for jobs in the known
Legolas: You mean, 'slacker'?
AW: Yeah, that's it.
“Ugh, a toothpick with fake boobs?
AW: Pamela Anderson!
No thanks.” Phoenix wrinkled her nose
Legolas: Causing flaws in her perfect complexion
and waved goodbye to the woman on her way out the door.
Sighing, Phoenix pulled her keys out of her pocket and
AW: And stuck them up her nose.
carefully made her way over to the area of the parking lot that was
Legolas: Surrounded by orcs,
AW: We can only hope.
AW: ...Why in the world would you park in a construction zone?
Her car was parked in the furthest corner from the store, leaving all the better parking spaces to the customers and other employees.
Legolas: Why? Be selfish!
AW: No, this is one of the "I'm such I nice person, I'll put myself in the worse convenience possible to make myself look that much better than everyone else." It's a hidden ego trip, really.
Legolas: (sighs) So many things I don't know about this...
AW: Give it time. By the end, you'll be an expert. This story is the best... or worst example of this fic type.
Legolas: Stop reminding me.
The light by her car had burned out long ago and since that area was rarely used after dark, no one had ever thought to repair it.
AW: I'm waiting for someone to steal the piece of crap that is my car, then I can collect the insurance money!
Phoenix never really minded the dark;
Legolas: Her parents had raised her in the cellar after all.
she thought it made the forest behind the store look menacing, and a lot more exciting.
Both: (monotone) Wow, trees.
It was almost as if she were a heroine, making her way through the scene to be victorious as she reached her car.
AW: (british accent) And
there was much rejoicing.
Legolas: (monotone) Yey.
And it was the most excitement she’d had in her dull existence… so far.
AW: For crimeny sake! Go see a movie! Go shopping! Sky diving! Anything!
Stumbling over the loose gravel, Phoenix fell to her knees,
Legolas: (Phoenix) My life is a sham!
cursing as the stones bit into her flesh.
AW: (stones) Taste just like chicken.
She held her position for a few moments,
AW: And hoooold. Good! Now walk it out!
clenching her eyes shut and willing the sharp pain away,
Legolas: (Phoenix) Pain is not real. Pain is only in my mind.
and wondering why she’d parked in this area when it was being repaired.
AW: A question that plagued her as well as her audience.
When she opened her eyes again, the first thing she noticed was a glimmer, like a piece of metal was embedded in the loose gravel.
AW: Aahh. Good old shrapnel!
Leaning forward, Phoenix ignored the recurring pain in her knees and pried the object out of the ground up concrete.
Legolas: Because this was more exciting than pretending she a failure for not reaching her car.
It was an old ring.
AW: Why an I not surprised?
It looked like it was made of silver, or some metal designed to impersonate silver.
AW: Tin then?
She wondered if it had belonged to one of the men that had laid down the concrete. Maybe a lost wedding band.
Legolas: A wedding band made
out of silver?
Dusting it off, Phoenix studied the ring, climbing slowly to her feet.
Legolas: Ignoring the blood that gushed from her knees.
The amazing part of her discovery was that after all this time, buried in concrete, the ring didn’t hold a scratch on its surface.
Legolas: So, it's a new ring
AW: Nope. And old ring. I asked the author how it was possible Phoenix knew it was an old ring and got the reply of "She knew the ring was old because it's been buried in concrete for twenty years, hello." Don't try to dwell on the fact that the ring was buried five years after she was born and she knew it. I've tried. It doesn't work. This is what we call either a plot hole... or bad writing.
Legolas: I pick the latter.
Tar and grime would not stick to it.
AW: Gotta love that teflon jewellery!
Phoenix smiled. “This ring must have been important to somebody,” she said to herself, slipping it on her right ring finger.
Legolas: (Phoenix) So important in fact, I'm going to take it for myself and they'll never get it back!
She scooped up her pack and hummed softly to herself as she made her way to her car.
AW: (Phoenix, singing) Finders keepers.... loosers weepers.... la la la!
A rustle in the forest across from her startled Phoenix, causing her to drop her keys.
Legolas: Stupid animals. They should know better to live in places like forests!
She froze in her tracks, not even bothering to look down to see where they fell.
AW: Cause getting into the car when startled would make too much sense.
For what seemed like an eternity, she stood, still as a statue, waiting for another noise to confirm her fear.
Legolas: She stood there long enough for pigeons to start circling.
When at last none came, she sighed with relief and bent down to scoop up her keys. No sooner were they in her hand when a searing pain started in her fingers,
AW: She's getting mugged? Pleaseohpleaseohplease!
soon passing through the rest of her body. The pain was so intense it caused her to black out.
AW: Fade to black! Okay.
Good job. First chapter finished.
Legolas: Well, I guess it wasn't that bad.
AW: Don't get cocky. There's eleven more chapters to go and it gets a lot more worse from here on in.
Legolas: (sighs) Looks like I have no choice. Bring it on.
Chapter Two - Lost
AW: (hissing) Lossst, My Preciousss!!!
Disclaimer and Author’s Note: There are going to be some song lyrics in here.
AW: (worried) Uh oh...
I don’t own them, but I felt like putting them in here. All songs belong to their respective owners.
AW: (puts his head in his hands) Oh, I feel a headache coming on.
This takes place right after the Company left Moria.
Legolas: When everyone was leaping for joy.
Gandalf is gone and they’re on their way to the Golden Wood and Lothlórien.
AW: So, in other words, she got rid of the old man and all that are left are eligible attractive young men.
When she opened her eyes again, she looked up to see the full moon smiling down upon her, framed by the treetops.
Legolas: Personally, in all my years, I've never seen the moon 'smile down' on me.
She blinked away the fog in her eyes
AW: (Phoenix) Damn these contacts!
and slowly sat up, clutching her head as a wave of nausea swept over her.
Legolas: Put your head between
AW: Or lie back down.
“Whoa,” she said softly, giving her head a moment to stop spinning.
AW: (singing) To everything, turn. Turn. Turn....
“What just happened?”
Legolas: You have just won the lottery!!
She looked around slowly, not seeing the parking lot or her beloved car.
AW: (Phoenix) I'm blind!
All she saw was forest,
Legolas: (Phoenix, excited) Wow! Trees!
but not much of it because it was pitch black away under the canopy of trees. Either somebody dragged her out here
AW: (evilly) It was me!
or somehow when she was unconscious, she crawled away from her car and ended up in the forest.
AW: Let's not even say anything. That sentence just did it for us.
But how far into the forest was she?
Legolas: Well, you can only
go half way into a forest.
AW: Yeah, cause after that, you're on your way out!
Phoenix bit her lip
Legolas: Hard and it started bleeding.
. Every breath of wind, every rustle of leaves made her shiver.
AW: (monotone) Oh the horrors of nature. Let's get her back to civilization.
She took a deep breath and stood up.
Legolas: And hit her head.
“Get a hold of yourself, Phoenix. This forest isn’t that big.
AW: (Phoenix) You can tell just by looking.
You can find the boundaries relatively soon
Legolas: (Phoenix) Unless you get yourself completely lost and starve to death.
and make it back to your car. Better call Mom and let her know I’ll be late.” She dug her cell phone out of her bag and flipped it open.
AW: (Phoenix) Hi! Pizza Pizza?
AW: (darkly) You have entered the Dead Zone. Mwahahahaha!!!
“Great,” she mumbled, throwing her phone back into her bag. Noticing her throat was rather dry, she pulled out a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew and drank another quarter of it.
Legolas: (sarcastically) That's good. Conserve your rations. Wouldn't want you to run out now.
“I’m not scared, I’m not scared,” she said softly, clutching her bag and following what seemed to be a path.
AW: But it turned out to be a dead end.
Being a lover of all kinds of music, she decided to sing to lift her spirits.
Legolas: (Phoenix) And if
I sing, maybe the animals will stay away.
AW: (snickering) Well, maybe if it's bad enough. Oh. Here come the lyrics. Duck!
“Never made it as a wise man
AW: (Phoenix) Cause I'm a girl!
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
Legolas: (Phoenix) So I got a job at K-Mart
Tired of living like
a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am…
This is how you remind me of what I really am.
“It’s not like you to say sorry
AW: Oh. Sorry.
I was waiting on a different story
Legolas: If only.
This time I’m mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin’
I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
AW: Does it have Mountain Dew in it?
These five words in my
‘Are we having fun yet?’”
AW: Well, ...no!
Phoenix shivered, looking at her watch. “Nearly midnight. I’m so lost.”
Legolas: Then she died. The end!
She walked over to a fallen tree next to the path and
sat down, dropping her head into her hands. “So cold and so lost,” she whispered.
Legolas: (Phoenix) And no one is here to pity me.
Legolas stopped in his tracks,
AW: Yes. Enter the hero.
Legolas: (worried) Oh dear...
almost causing Gimli, who was walking behind him, to run into him.
AW: Causing Legolas to spin
around and chop off his beard.
“What are you stopping for, elf?” he growled, putting a hand on the hilt of his ax.
Legolas: To annoy you.
“Did you hear something?”
AW: (Gimli) Other than the screamings of the audience?
Legolas asked as the Company gathered around him.
AW: Group huddle!
He strained his keen ears to see if he could hear more. “It sounded like singing. A girl singing.”
Legolas: And it's off key!
“We’re not yet to the Golden Wood,” Aragorn, the appointed leader since the wizard, Gandalf, fell in Moria, said sternly.
Legolas: Self appointed you
AW: You know.. that sentence is just springing up with commas! Pick 'em while you can!
“No one lives out here, but Rangers do pass through at times. Perhaps that is what you heard?”
Legolas: Yes. You are probably right. Let us hurry on and never mention this again.
Legolas shook his head. “No, I heard a young woman singing.” He glared down at the dwarf behind him.
AW: (Legolas) You need to bathe, Shortie.
“If there is a woman lost in the woods, Gimli, I think it our duty to help her.”
AW: But what if she wasn't
lost in the woods and was just singing in the Golden Wood cause she felt
Legolas: Actually, it was just our duty to escort Frodo to Mordor all the way to Mt. Doom.
Gimli snorted and continued walking. “You don’t hear it anymore then, aye?
AW: (Gimli) Cause all of a sudden, I turn Scottish for no reason!
It must have been your imagination. I’m weary and I need to rest, so I say we continue until it is safe to do so.”
AW: Ah! That would be in
Mordor then after the ring is destroyed?
Legolas: So, how long can dwarfs go without rest?
Boromir, the only other Man of the Company besides Aragorn, nodded his agreement with the dwarf.
AW: (Boromir, unsure) Uh... yeah.... what he said.
Frodo, the young hobbit and bearer of the One Ring,
AW: Barrel rider, Great Burglar...
Legolas: No. That's Bilbo.
AW: (blushing) Oh yeah.
left his place by the three other hobbits and stood next to Legolas.
Legolas: (Frodo) I'm short and have no shoes!
“Was it something about ‘how you remind me’?” he asked the golden-haired archer.
Legolas's eyes widened and he stared down at Frodo. “You heard it too?”
AW: (Frodo) No. Not really. It was just something I thought up just now.
Frodo nodded. “I heard it. Or thought I did.”
Legolas: But it was probably our imaginations. Let us continue. Orcs are pursuing us!
After another hour of aimless wandering, Phoenix finally gave up,
AW: (Phoenix) So much for finding my way out easily. Let's try something new. How about sleep!
thinking if she waited until dawn it would be easier to see and find her way out.
Legolas: Or look for the North Star. That's always a start.
Slumping to the ground, next to the base of a giant oak tree,
AW: (singing) That was in the hole and the green grass grew all around, all around and the green grass grew all around.
she brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Her teeth were chattering and her lips had begun to take on a blue tinge.
Legolas: To make a long story short, she was cold.
“I need to warm up, I need to stay positive.” A song popped into her head and she smiled.
AW: (Phoenix) Yes! If I keep my mouth moving, I'm sure I'll be toasty warm in no time!
She started to sing the Alien Ant Farm cover of the Michael Jackson song.
“Annie, are you OK
Legolas: (Annie) No, not really.
Will you tell us that
There's a sign at the window
AW: That says 'Help Wanted'.
That he struck you
A crescendo, Annie
He came into your apartment
He left the bloodstains on the carpet
Legolas: Um... now does this
song cheer anyone up?
AW: Beats me. I'm kinda getting depressed.
Then you ran into the
You were struck down
It was your doom”
AW: (sniffs) Okay. That would be one of the last songs I'd sing to cheer or warm me up... though the latter would be useless.
A rustle off to her right made her blood run cold. For a moment she thought she could see two greenish glowing eyes.
Legolas: Turned out it was
just a cat.
AW: Trust me, it's never 'just a cat'.
To confirm it, she heard a raspy voice.
AW: (british accent) What is the average wingspan of a swallow?
“Yess, we shall have it, o Precious, we shall have it back. Hobbitses are not nice to take precious, no they aren’t, gollum.”
Legolas: Oh! Must be an orc!
A black shadow hovered on the edge of the small clearing, almost as if it were afraid to step into the moonlight.
AW: (singing) Blue
moooon... you saw me standing alooone.....without a dream in my heaaart...
without a love of my oooown!
Legolas: Must you sing all the time?
AW: Hey, don't jump on me. You break into song in the books too.
The green eyes stared at her. Phoenix scrambled out into the clearing, staring at the creature.
AW: (Phoenix) Are you my mother?
“H-hello?” she called to it, clutching her bag as if it would protect her.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Don't come near me. I have a broken cell phone and I'm not afraid to use it!
There was a sharp hiss and the creature curled itself up like a cornered spider. “Fierce Elf, with bright eyes! We hates elves, yess, gollum.
Legolas: Love you too Gollum.
(AW makes a kissing sound)
Nasty Elf has a Precious. Not our Precious, but we wants that one too, yesss.”
AW: (Gollum) We don'ts know
how we know nassty elf has new Preciousss, but we hatessss it.
Legolas: (looking at AW) You do that too well. You frighten me.
A cloud passed over the moon and Phoenix was bathed in shadow. The creature slowly made his way toward her and she screamed.
AW: Michael Jackson! Come
and save me!
Legolas: Whoo. This is getting easier!
AW: (grins) Fun, isn't it?
Legolas: Sort of, but why did you have to lock the doors then?
AW: (worriedly) To keep myself in too. (back to normal) Next!
Chapter Three- Finding New Secrets
AW: It was behind the couch the entire time!!
The entire Company froze when an ear-piercing scream echoed through the forest.
AW: Oh sorry. That was me.
“I heard that!” Merry said, clinging to Pippin’s arm. “What was it?”
Legolas: An ear-piercing scream that echoed through the forest, my stupid hobbit.
The young hobbit looked at his friend. “Do you think we’re being followed?”
AW: (Pippin) You mean other than the couple hundred ugly, angry orcs? Nah!
Pippin wrenched his arm away, glaring at Merry. “I’d think more if you weren’t being so loud!”
Legolas: (Pippin) Shut up.
Aragorn shushed them both, dropping his ear to the ground.
AW: (Aragorn) I won't be needing this any more.
“I don’t hear any movement,” he said softly.
AW: That's because you just dropped you ear, genius!
Legolas slid his bow from his shoulder and took off running.
Legolas: I'm outta here!
“Stay here. I shall be back soon,” he ordered
AW: Yes, lets!
(AW picks up the phone)
. Boromir unsheathed his sword. “Do you think one of us should go with him?”
Legolas: No. I told you to say there. Listen to the elf stupid mortal!
Aragorn shook his head. “You would only slow him down.
Legolas: Pardon my manners. I should have said "stupid, slow mortal"
He knows what he is doing.
AW: (Aragorn) He is after
all 2000 years older than you.
Legolas: (correcting) 2070 years older, actually.
We will wait an hour and if he doesn’t return, then we will
AW: (Aragorn) Throw a party.
worry.” He set his pack on the ground. “Stand your guard though, everyone. If there is something following us, we’d best be wary of it.”
Legolas: (Aragorn) The last thing we want is party crashers!
Frodo fingered the ring on the chain about his neck.
AW: Oh that's not very nice! Mind your manners Frodo; you're out!
“I can feel something.
Legolas: (Frodo) If feels round, and smooth, and possessive!
But I don’t know how to explain it.”
AW: (Frodo) Therefore I won't even try.
Sam, his self-appointed guardian and best friend, looked at him quizzically.
Legolas: (Sam) Are you my mother?
“You took a blow, Frodo, and so did I.
AW: (Sam) I think we should give them back.
We should take this welcome rest and gain our strength. He gently touched the cut on his forehead.
Legolas: (Sam) We must also
search for the missing quotation mark.
AW: (Frodo) I'll check behind these bushes and you look under Aragorn's ear.
“A mug of beer would make this feel so much better.”
AW: (Sam) Do just dump a pint of beer over my head!
Aragorn smiled. “Yes, while Legolas is off, we should look after you two and repair your wounds.” He knelt down beside Frodo. “Take off your tunic
AW: (Frodo, shocked) Aragorn! I didn't know you felt this way!
so I can see what that Orc-spear did to you.”
AW: (Frodo, disappointed) Oh.
Frodo hesitated. “I am all right. All I need is some food and a little rest.”
“No,” Aragorn fought.
Legolas: (Aragorn) *smack*
No! Stupid hobbit. Let me heal you! *punch* *deck* *biff*
AW: (Sam, concerned) Is Mr. Frodo still breathing now?
“We must see what the hammer and anvil have done to you.” He stripped off Frodo’s old jacket
AW: (singing) I'm too sexy for this shirt. Too sexy for this shirt. So sexy it hurts!
and worn tunic, first gasping, then laughing in wonder at the sight of the glimmering mithril corslet Frodo’s uncle and guardian, former Ring-bearer Bilbo Baggins, had given him.
Legolas: Breathe Kaos Girl! Breathe!
Carefully he took it off
and held it up.
AW: Time for show and tell!
“Look, my friends!” he called.
Legolas: (Aragorn) I swiped Frodo's underwear!
“Here’s a pretty hobbit-skin to wrap and elven-princeling in! If it were known that hobbits had such hides, all the hunters of Middle-earth would be riding to the Shire.”
AW: (impressed) Say,
that's not bad writing there.
(Both nod in agreement, then stop after a moment)
AW: Wait a minute... I've read that before.
Legolas: And I've heard that before.
(AW grabs his copy of Fellowship of the Ring out of nowhere and flips through to the corresponding chapter.)
AW: (offended) That's taken straight from Tolkien!! (shakes his fist at the screen) There's laws against that missy!!
The weary travelers welcomed the rest as Aragorn repaired Sam and Frodo.
AW: (Gimli) Got the needle and thread you wanted.
Frodo’s mind would not leave the voice he and Legolas heard.
Legolas: (Frodo) What sort of creature would make such a sound?
His neck itched where the Ring lay hidden
AW: (confused) Where was
it hiding? Aragorn took off his shirt and there's no description of him
getting it back.
Legolas: Apparently, the ring can also turn invisible.
and it suddenly felt very warm and very heavy. ‘This is a riddle indeed,’ he thought to himself.
AW: No, this is a riddle. If train A leaves the station at 2:00pm and is going 100 km/h and train B leaves the station at 2:30pm, what should I have for lunch?
Legolas found Phoenix crouching low in the middle of the small clearing next to the big oak.
AW: But... but.. that's not in a clearing. That's beside the big oak. ... My head is starting to hurt.
For a moment he saw a shadow scrambling across the forest floor but it was gone before he could fit an arrow to his bow.
Legolas: (offended) Hey! Gollum isn't that fast!
The cloud passed and the moonlight shone brightly again.
AW: And dried up all the rain?
She was on the ground, curled into a ball, clutching a bag to her chest.
AW: So much for using it as a shield...
He took a few cautious steps toward her.
Legolas: Are you my mother?
“Are you all right?”
She started and sat up, staring at him with impossibly large blue-green eyes.
AW: It's anime Legolas!
“I… I think so.” Noticing that he didn’t seem to want to do her harm,
Legolas: (chuckling softly) She's falling for my plan!
she slowly climbed to her feet. “There was a creature. I don’t know what it was exactly, but it had glowing green eyes and it kept saying something about a ‘precious’.
AW: (Phoenix) I think it was calling me Precious. (bats her eyelashes) Don't you think so?
It called me an elf!”
Legolas: (Phoenix) Isn't that horrible!
For the first time, Legolas seemed to notice the beauty of the young woman in front of him.
AW: (Legolas) Damn you're ugly!
“Do you not know who you are?” he asked, furrowing his eyebrows in puzzlement.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Of course I do. I'm Nicole Kidman
Phoenix was about to say something, but she stopped, her gaze dropping to the ground.
AW: (Phoenix) Oops. Better pick that up.
“No. I don’t know who I am, or where I am, or, by what you’re wearing, WHEN I am.”
AW: (Phoenix) You sexy thing you!
She sighed, slumping back to the ground, more thinking out loud than explaining herself to him.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Hear my inner most thoughts perfect stranger.
“I remember I was adopted. Both my parents were shorter than I with brown hair and brown eyes, so I knew I couldn’t be their true daughter. They said that no one wanted such a skinny baby with funny ears.
AW: (Phoenix) They mocked me!
They said I was special because of it.
AW: Special ed, maybe.
My father died when I was six. He always used to call me his little fairy.”
Legolas: (Phoenix) Until he cut off my wings.
She seemed lost in thought.
AW: And lost in the woods;
we shall now call her Ryoga.
AW: It's a Japanese anime thing.
After a few moments she spoke up again. “Well, I am lost, that’s for sure, and you saved my life. Thank you.”
Legolas: (Phoenix) I throw myself at every single stranger I meet.
She looked up at him with pleading eyes.
AW: (Phoenix) Are you my mother?
“Do you think you could help me out of the woods. And maybe explain to me where I am so I can try to make sense of this?”
Legolas: Ummm... no! See ya!
Legolas smiled warmly,
AW: (Legolas, thinking) Excellent. The Fellowship shall have meat tonight!
sliding his bow back upon his shoulder. “Of course. But I must take you back to the Company. They will be waiting for me.
Legolas: They are so obedient. I shall give them a treat when I return.
We are on a long and perilous journey, but we can take you to Lothlórien
AW: (Legolas) If we are not brutally killed on the way, anyway.
and from there we might figure out what is to be done with you.”
Legolas: Whether we hang you by your toes or maroon you on a deserted island.
He narrowed his eyes. “So your parents… you were adopted by Man?”
“A man and a woman.
AW: (Phoenix) Try to keep up.
The nicest parents anybody could ask for,”
Legolas: (Phoenix) Between the mockings of my ears of course.
Phoenix answered. “Why? Would I be adopted by a monkey or a snake instead?”
AW: Hey! Then she'd be a monkey and her mother's brother would be a monkey's uncle!
Legolas smiled and extended his hand toward her. “Come with me. There is much for you to learn, Lady.”
Legolas: Like, why is the sky blue? Why is grass green? Why do hot dogs come in a package of twelve and buns in a package of eight?
“Call me Phoenix,” she replied, taking his hand and blushing.
Legolas: (Phoenix) I don't know who I am, but call me by my name, just for the heck of it!
“And with a teacher like you, this is sure to be an interesting lesson.”
AW: He's going to show her how to cook a Mary Sue!
“I am Legolas,” he said simply as they walked.
Legolas: I will tell you no more.
He talked in low whispers, as he brought her back to where the Company was resting.
AW: (Legolas) Don't want to wake them.
“When we get back to the others, there are things that you might not understand, as you seem to know only of Man’s world.
Legolas: Though elf, dwarf and man have shared Middle Earth since the Elves left the Valar.
Do you not know of Elves, Dwarfs, or Hobbits?”
Phoenix thought. “You mean like Santa’s Helpers, Snow White’s roomies, and that one book by Tolkien?”
AW: (forehead smacks) Tell me she didn't say that.
Legolas gaped at her. “I do not understand your answer, but I do understand that you do not know much of this world… or of yourself.”
AW: (Legolas) You are a girl.
I am a boy.
Legolas: You have two eyes, two ears, two noses... no wait...
(There's a knock at the theatre door. AW gets up and walks to it.)
AW: (calling) Yes? Can I help you?
Voice: (muffled) Did you order two combo pizzas?
AW: Oh yeah!
Voice: Are you going to open the door?
AW: Uh... I can't. It's locked. Can you pass it under the door?
Voice: Sure. That'll be $19.95.
(AW runs back to his seat, shuffles through his wallet and bolts back to the door. The pizza box is on the floor.)
AW: (sliding a $20 under the door) Here. Keep the change.
Voice: (insulted) Thanks cheep skate.
AW: (completely oblivious to the delivery guy, runs back to the front of the theatre.) Pizza's here!
Legolas: Great. (opens the box and takes out a slice) Now for the next chapter!
Chapter Four - The Company
AW: That wouldn't leave.
For Phoenix, entering the presence of the Company was like walking into a men's locker room.
AW: (Phoenix) They're all naked?!?
They all immediately tensed up and some of them tried to be overly gentlemanly.
Legolas: (Phoenix, thinking) Male, chauvinistic pigs!
The two other tall people bowed low.
AW: (Boromir) Hey Aragorn,
I can touch my toes!
Legolas: (Aragorn) I can beat that, I'm touching my nose to my knees!
Phoenix immediately noticed what looked to her like a midget and four children.
AW: (hobbits, singing) We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild....
“You’re taking children on a long and perilous journey?” she asked Legolas in disbelief.
Legolas: Yes. We run faster than them, so they get devoured by the wargs instead of us. Genius, yes?
“They are not children,” the taller and leaner of the two Men said. “Forgive me, Lady,” he said, bowing again.
AW: (Aragorn) I farted.
“I am called Aragorn,
Legolas: (Aragorn) But my friends call me Sarah.
this man beside me is Boromir,
AW: (Aragorn) He just followed us here.
the Dwarf is Gimli,
AW: (Aragorn) He has bad B.O.
and those four ‘children’ are Hobbits:
Legolas: Or halflings, but most people call them "What in Middle Earth is THAT?!"
Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Samwise Gamgee, and of course Frodo.”
Legolas: Everyone gets a
formal intro but Frodo?
AW: (Aragorn) He sucks. He has no last name, 'cause he's an orphan.
"Hobbits.” Phoenix's eyes grew wide. “You mean they really exist?”
Legolas: (Phoenix) So... fiction actually means real stuff?
She looked around at the Company. “This can't be possible. There are no such things as hobbits, or dwarves, or even elves.”
AW: (to the screen)
Hold that thought.
(AW leans over and pinches Legolas on the arm.)
Legolas: (jumping out of his seat) Hey! Why'd you do that?
AW: Just checking to see if you were real.
Legolas: (sitting back down) Well, pinch yourself next time.
AW: I would, but where's the fun in that?
She leaned close to Legolas and looked at his ears, causing him to take a few steps away,
AW: *tsk tsk* Invading personal
space. Not lady like!
Legolas: Stay away from me stranger. I have daggers!
Legolas: No, I wouldn't be, thank you!
“I know that I am no elf.” She looked at him again. “No matter how much your ears look like mine, if indeed you are an elf yourself.”
Legolas: (Phoenix, hopeful) Are you a fairy in training too?
“This is no dream or fantasy,” Aragorn said in a low voice.
AW: More like a nightmare.
“If this were a dream it would be a nightmare.
(Legolas looks at the
AW: ... I'm frightened. I'm starting to think like the author!
We must continue moving to reach a safe place to rest.”
Legolas: (Aragorn) Know of any?
He looked hopelessly at Phoenix, thinking that if her hair were dark instead of light how much she would look like his Arwen.
AW: (snorts) Yeah.
Phoenix is Arwen's equal? The fairest of all elven maidens? Highly unlikely.
Legolas: (Phoenix, thinking) Maybe we're sisters or something!
He quickly pushed the thought aside and began walking deeper into the wood.
Legolas: And tripped.
AW: I give it 8.6 for the face plant.
Phoenix yelped in pain and grabbed her wrist. “Not again!” She clawed desperately at
Legolas: Her wrist, trying to get it off.
the ring on her finger, trying to get it off. “It hurts!”
AW: It burns! Oh, how it
burns! I'm melting! What a world...
Legolas: Use soap to get it off!
The silver band on her finger began to glow with a white light.
AW: It's alive! Run away!
Finally, she managed to get it off and it fell to the ground.
Legolas: Now jump on it!
Frodo bent over and picked it up before she could.
He studied it for a brief moment before slipping it on his own finger.
Legolas: (Frodo) You snooze,
AW: You know, I'd think that Frodo would now know better than to put on unknown rings...
Legolas started to speak, but she didn’t understand anything that he was saying.
Legolas: Fish feet. Gross tiger grass and ice cream frogs!
Phoenix held her hands up.
AW: (Phoenix) I give up. Kill me now.
“Wait. Say things so that I can understand them, would you?” she asked.
Legolas: Ummm... no!
The entire Company stopped and stared blankly at her.
AW: (Phoenix, panicking) What is it? Do I have a zit? That's it, isn't it?!
All except Frodo, who nodded thoughtfully,
Legolas: (Frodo, pointing) It's riiiiiight... there!
“Say something in your language again,” he said to her.
“Say what? What language are they talking in?” she asked,
AW: (Phoenix) Like, I don't know what you're talking about, okay? Make sense, you know!
gesturing to Legolas and Aragorn who were talking quite rapidly in the language she didn’t understand.
Legolas: It's called common speech. You know, it's also called English?
Frodo took the ring off and held it briefly,
Legolas: Then swallowed it.
gesturing for her to say something again. While she was in the middle of her sentence,
AW: (Phoenix) You know, I really-
he quickly slipped the ring back on. Then he smiled.
AW: (Phoenix) -have to pee.
Legolas: (Frodo) Second bush to your left.
“This ring,” he said, before taking it off and putting it back on her hand.
Legolas: (Frodo) Is a token of my love to strange women. Will you marry me?
“Holds power through language.” He smiled up at her and they walked, side by side,
AW: Behold the power of The Linguist Ring! Now understanding pig latin will be a piece of cake.
with Legolas only a few steps behind, listening intently to every word spoken.
Legolas: Must... eavesdrop! You see these ears? They're perfect for that!
“If only Gandalf were here,” Frodo continued.
AW: (Frodo) He'd say something
like "Shut up Frodo. You're talking too much."
Legolas: (Frodo) I miss him. He died today, did you know?
“He might know the power your ring possesses. Although I don’t understand where it came from.
AW: (Frodo) Tolkien made
no mention of a teflon ring. Less see... 'Three rings for the elven kings
under the sky....'
Legolas: ...One for the Mary Sue, who won't leave me alone...
As far as I knew, all the rings of power have been accounted for.”
AW: Two million for the fan girls who will do anything for a guy...
He looked up into her eyes.
Legolas: Two for the MSTers, who are sitting and suffering alone....
He didn’t know why, but all of a sudden he found himself telling her the whole story of the One Ring.
AW: One for the hobbit, who if he blabs too much, will soon die.
With her this near to him it seemed as if his Ring was nothing more than a trifle to be dealt with.
Legolas: One girl to rule them all...
Only Legolas knew what Frodo was saying,
AW: One girl to whine at them...
and to him it almost seemed like their journey had suddenly been reduced to a holiday.
Legolas: One fic to bring them all...
He wouldn't admit out loud, but he was drawn to Phoenix too.
AW: And in their horror, hog tie them...
After a few miles the Company involuntarily slowed to a halt. They all stood, listening.
Legolas: On the site of Fanfiction.net where the fangirls lie.
“Not a sound but the wind,” Gimli said.
Legolas: But who has seen the wind?
Frodo looked at Sting, his sword that glowed in the presence of Orcs. The blade was dull.
AW: So he spruced it up with a bit of ribbon and a big pink bow.
Yet he heard something, or thought he did.
Legolas: Remember last time
you thought that, you picked up a strange girl.
AW: Our advice, as Enya would say it, may it be.
He turned sharply around and saw two gleams of light behind him.
AW: (Frodo) Raugh! TRUCK!
They quickly slipped aside and vanished.
Legolas: And now for my next
AW: I'll pull a fic out of my wazzou, just like the author did!
Frodo shook his head and hurried to catch up with the Company.
AW: (warning) It's never just a caaat....!
“Lothlórien!” cried Legolas, running forward. “Lothlórien! We have come to the eaves of the Golden Wood. Alas that it is winter!”
AW: Again with the copyright
Legolas: Let us build snow elves and put snow down each other's backs!
Phoenix squinted, and sure enough the leaves seemed to rustle with the sound and look of fallow gold.
(AW turns to Legolas)
AW: What does gold sound like again?
Legolas: Something like a mix of a sheep and an octopus.
AW: Right. I thought so, just wanted to make sure.
Boromir wasn't happy about entering the Golden Wood, insisting that in Gondor he heard it was a cursed place.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Cheer up! Pretend this is a dangerous adventure... oh wait...
Aragorn insisted the place only held bad luck for those with evil in their hearts, and on they went.
Legolas: But is she not evil?
“Here is Nimrodel!” Legolas said when they had reached a stream. “Of this stream, the Silvan Elves made many songs long ago, and still we sing them in the North, remembering the rainbow on its falls, and the golden flowers that floated in its foam.
AW: You sound too eager about
Legolas: I guess you had to be there.
I will bathe my feet, for it is said that the water is healing to the weary.” Nimbly he leapt down the bank and stepped into the stream.
AW: (Gimli) Do you think we're going to drink that after yoooooou've been standing in it?
They watched, amused as he leaned down and seemed to listen to the water.
Legolas: (Pippin, snickering) I hope his pants rip.
“Follow me!” he cried. “The water is not deep.
AW: (Legolas) It is only freezing cold.
Let us wade across! On the further bank we can rest, and the sound of the falling water may bring us sleep and forgetfulness of grief.”
AW: The newest thing in elven technology - hypnotic rivers!
The Company filed their way down the bank and across the water, the hobbits taking extra care that the water was shallow enough for them.
AW: Yeah, I guess that would suck.
Phoenix removed her Mountain Dew bottle and tossed her bag into their makeshift camp
Legolas: Fire and cackled with delight as it went up in smoke.
and headed back to the water. Legolas followed curiously behind her.
Legolas: Leaving so soon? Well, don't let the Golden Wood's gates hit you on your way out!
“What is that in your hand, Lady?” he questioned, staring at the bottle.
Legolas: Have you been peeing
in that bottle?
AW: (Legolas) And what have you been drinking to make the bright colour so?
Phoenix giggled and held the bottle up for him to see.
AW: (Phoenix) It's an entire day's worth!
“Warm, flat Mountain Dew. Tastes horrible like this.
(AW's jaw drops)
AW: Is she serious? It tastes great flat!
I thought I might get some water from this stream for me to drink, although I have to admit I’ve never had anything but treated water.”
AW: Prissy, aren't we?
“How can a mountain's dew be flat?” he asked, kneeling beside where she sat on the bank of the stream.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Ugh! I just sat in a puddle!
She smiled and unscrewed the cap. “This isn’t really dew from a mountain, Legolas. It’s a drink that was made up where I come from.
AW: (Phoenix) People drink it, then they jump off mountains, and go down steep hills on bikes, and butt heads with rams...
They call it Mountain Dew to make it sound like it tastes good.” She held the bottle out to him. “Take a sip, but I promise it tastes a lot better when it's cold and bubbly.”
AW: You know... I'm getting
thirsty now. (Calls up to the projection room) Hey Bounce! Can you
get us some soft drinks?
Bounce: (calling back) What's in it for me?
AW: (thinks) Uh... you can make some comments if you like.
Bounce: Okay. I'll put it on automatic for a bit.
Legolas eyed the bottle wearily but took a reluctant sip, immediately spitting it out.
Legolas: Rah! Poison!
“That’s awful! How can anyone voluntarily drink something that tastes so bad? Or is that drink made by Orcs?”
AW: Well, that's one way or putting it... heh.
“There are no Orcs where I come from,” she replied with a laugh, dumping out the rest of the bottle, and rinsing it clean in the stream.
Legolas: She is in Middle Earth for what? Three, four hours and already she is polluting it? For shame!
She filled it with the ice-cold water and screwed the cap back on tightly, leaning down and cupping her hands to take a sip for herself. Legolas studied her every move.
AW: (Legolas) The way you drink the water is so.... mind numbing.
“Do all the people where you come from wear such strange clothes?”
Legolas: I mean, stripes with dots? Isn't there a law against that?
he asked. “Do not other women wear dresses or gowns?”
AW: Females should not be in britches!
“Some do,” she answered, leaning back on her hands. “We usually only wear dresses to parties or special occasions.
AW: Or work, or dates, or if someone feels like putting on a dress...
We only wear gowns to really fancy things like weddings and Prom, if that.”
“In the presence of your king?” he asked.
“Where I come from, we don’t have a king.
Legolas: *gasp* Anarchy!
We have a president. And it changes every few years. We have cars with wheels that don’t need animals to move them. We have buildings taller than trees. We have lights powered by electricity and all the people are different in their own ways.”
AW: (Phoenix) I'm explaining my world in the most vague way possible!
Legolas smiled bashfully. “Someday you will have to tell me all about this world of yours.”
Legolas: Because I didn't understand a word you just said.
Phoenix blushed. “Only if you tell me all about your own.”
AW: (makes girlish giggling sounds)
Chapter Five- The Road to Lothlórien
AW: ...is paved with good intentions.
After the Company had gathered,
AW: They began to sign Kumbaya.
Legolas told them tales of Lothlórien that the Elves of Mirkwood still knew.
Legolas: And there was this elf named Elnar, who just wanted so badly to be a fish and....
Phoenix listened intently studying the way his face changed with every word he said.
Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. Intrigued. I've never been so in touch
with my emotions!
(Legolas looks at AW. AW hangs his head.)
AW: Sorry. This isn't Mystery ReBoot Theatre 4000 is it?
(Legolas just continues to look at AW, but shakes his head.)
Eerily, everyone became quiet at the same time and they heard the music of the waterfall,
(AW hums 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat')
calming their fears and lightening their hearts.
AW: Yup! There goes that chunk of cholesterol!
Frodo almost thought he could hear a voice singing mingled with the sound of the water.
Legolas: (giggling) Frodo's crazy.
Legolas smiled and sang the song of the maiden Nimrodel, for whom the stream was named.
AW: See? You do break into song.
Phoenix found herself blushing as he looked at her through most of the song.
Legolas: Actually, it was more through her.
He faltered after some time, becoming silent.
“I have forgotten much,” he said apologetically in a soft voice. “It is a long sad song.”
AW: But gladly not as sad as the one Phoenix was singing earlier.
After a great length, Aragorn spoke up again. “As I think, it is not wise for us to be so unprotected,
Legolas: (Aragorn) Everyone grab Phoenix's knapsack. We shall use it as a shield!
lying in the open by the stream. We cannot build a house, but tonight we will do as the Elves of the Golden Wood and seek refuge in the treetops if we can.”
AW: (Aragorn) Now, pick your
favourite tree and up you go!
Legolas: (Aragorn) Don't forget to kiss it goodnight.
The Company climbed to their weary feet
AW: 'Cause you know... their feet were so high up.
and now turned away from the path. They found a large clump of trees, some of whose branches overhung the stream.
Legolas: (Sam) We can put a swinging rope here!
Legolas offered to climb up and investigate while Pippin whined about sleeping in a tree.
AW: (Pippin, whiny) But I don't wannaaaaaa!!!
“Leave it to the birds!” he pressed. “I cannot sleep on a perch!”
Legolas: (Pippin) Unless, you give me some sunflower seeds or something, then we shall see.
Legolas shook his head. “Then quickly dig a deep hole in the ground,
Legolas: And bury yourself, stupid hobbit.
if that is your way. Dig fast if you want to hide from Orcs.”
AW: (Legolas) And if some orc happens to fall in that hole, sucks to be you!
And with that he swung effortlessly onto a lower branch of the tree.
A voice shouted suddenly from the treetops above them and Legolas dropped to the ground,
AW: (voice) This is the voice of DOOM!
shrinking back in surprise and fear.
AW: (Legolas) Saint preserve us!
“Stand still!” he whispered to the others, stepping protectively in front of Phoenix
(Both elves snicker)
who peered over his shoulder with wide eyes. “Do not move or speak!” he commanded.
Legolas: (to Phoenix) Well, maybe you can move.
There was a sound of soft laughter above them and another clear voice spoke in an elven-tongue.
AW: (voice, in elven) Hey, how ya doin'?
Frodo could make out some of it, but it seemed only Legolas and Phoenix fully understood what was said.
Legolas: And Aragorn... well, a little anyway.
“Who are they, and what are they saying?” Merry asked.
AW: (Legolas) They are tree gnomes here to eat you.
“They’re Elves,” Sam said, barely concealing his joy. “Can't you hear their voices?”
Legolas: (sarcastically) Nooooooo....!
“Yes, they are Elves,” Legolas said in a low tone, “and they say that you breathe so loud that they could shoot you in the dark.”
Sam slowly slipped his hand over his mouth and Phoenix giggled.
Legolas: They got Phoenix!
“It seems they heard my song and knew that I was one of their Northern kindred,” Legolas continued. “And they bid I climb up with Frodo, for it seems they have had some tidings of him and our journey. The rest they ask to wait at the foot of the tree and keep watch until it is decided what is to be done.”
AW: Let's leave that one. Since it's Tolkien, I will not mock it.
He smiled reassuringly at Phoenix
AW: (menacingly) Hello Clarice...
and took hold of the rope ladder that was lowered down, running lightly up, with Frodo climbing slowly behind. Sam, being ever faithful to his master, climbed up after Frodo, still trying not to breathe loudly.
AW: (giggles) I've always liked Samwise.
After Haldir’s welcome, the rest of the Company climbed up into the trees to rest for the night.
Legolas: The end.
The four hobbits were to stay with Haldir and his companions while the rest were in the tree next to them.
“They almost thought we traveled with the Lady of Lothlórien,” Legolas said with a smile, helping Phoenix into the tree.
AW: (Legolas) But then they saw it was you and thought you an orc.
“They say that if we see the Lady, she's sure to be jealous that her beauty is rivaled by yours.”
(Bursts of laughter come
from the projection room.)
AW: Ooo! Bounce is back!
(He runs up to underneath the window)
AW: What'd ya bring me?
(Bounce sticks out her head and looks down.)
Bounce: I've brought you a few Mountain Dews and got Legolas some bottled water just to be safe.
AW: Thanks! Toss 'em down.
(Bounce drops them and one of the cans lands on AW's head.)
Bounce: Sorry. Be a better catch next time.
AW: (walking back to his seat, holding the beverages and rubbing his head) I'll remember that next time.
Phoenix blushed. “Well then you can tell them there's no chance of that, but I am grateful for their flattery.
(Legolas opens one of
Legolas: (Phoenix) One can never get enough compliments when one is perfect.
They all laughed at Pippin’s loud whining in the tree next to them.
AW: (Legolas) I laugh at other people's pain!
After a while it seemed Frodo had him shushed and they all relaxed.
Legolas: Aaaand fell out of the tree and died. The end.
“Do you sing, Lady Phoenix?” Aragorn asked, leaning back against a branch.
AW: No. Oh, please no!
Legolas: (Aragorn) I do enjoy torture!
Phoenix dropped her face. “Well, not professionally, but sometimes when I get bored I’ll sing a familiar tune. Or when I’m in the shower.”
AW: (Phoenix) Or when I'm
cold and lost. But the shower is better; warm and..
Legolas: Stop right there....
“Sing for us,” Legolas prodded. “Sing a song of your world.”
AW: (pleading) Please, don't!
Phoenix thought for a few minutes. “There are so many, and so many I love.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Full of torture and pain and shooting people.
I am hard pressed to pick one that I won't wreck completely with my meager vocal skills.”
Legolas: Or give our position away to the orcs. Wouldn't want that, nope.
She smiled bashfully. “I’ve got one.” And she started to sing a song by the Backstreet Boys,
(AW recoils in pain.)
carefully avoiding Legolas's gaze.
Legolas: She'd better!
“Don’t pretend you’re sorry… I know you’re not
Legolas: Hey, you okay?
AW: *sniff* I will be.
You know you've got the power… To make me weak inside
Legolas: It was a meatloaf, wasn't it?
And, boy, you leave me breathless… But it's okay
AW: I don't need to breathe or nothin'.
Cuz you are my survival…
Now hear me say
I can't imagine, Life without your love
Legolas: So, kill me now.
And even forever, don’t
seem like long enough
Cuz every time I breathe, I take you in
AW: That paints an interesting picture...
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it, you keep me drowning in your love
Legolas: Can't. Swim. Too. Smothering!
And every time I try
to rise above
I’m swept away by love
AW: You know, even though this is a love song, this one seems very violent too.
Baby I can't help, you keep me drowning in your love”
Legolas: So, stop pushing me under.
Her face turned crimson red as she finished and found everyone staring at her, openmouthed.
AW: (Aragorn) You're right about your singing ability. Please stop!
“Sing some more!” came Merry’s voice from the other flet. “Sing us a lullaby to help us forget how high we are and go to sleep!”
AW: (Phoenix) Rock-a-bye
baby, in the treetop, when the wind blows your cradle will rock. When the
bow breaks, the cradle will fall..
Legolas: (Merry) What?! Stop! (whispers) I wanna get down.
She lured them all to sleep with Jessica Simpson’s Heart Of Innocence. All except Frodo, who was having a hard time quieting his mind. A little way off he heard the tread of many feet on the ground below.
AW: Hey! Feet don't have treads!
An Elf poked his head up into the flet and warned Frodo that he had seen Orcs.
Legolas: (elf) I've seen orcs.
After that he heard no more sounds for a while. He took out Sting and saw that the sword held no glow, but he still felt like something evil was near. He got up and crawled to the opening, now sure that he could hear something scrabbling up the trunk of the tree.
AW: (Frodo) Damn squirrels! Go to sleep!
Two pale eyes looked up at him, unblinking before the creature slipped around the tree trunk and vanished.
Haldir appeared a moment later, describing the thing he had seen in the tree. Frodo was sure they had both seen the same thing: Gollum.
(AW cheers and Legolas
looks at him.)
AW: What? I... kinda like Gollum.
Once daylight came, the Company set out again, led by Haldir and his brother.
“Farewell, sweet Nimrodel!” Legolas cried, turning round and waving goodbye.
AW: (Legolas) I will miss your cold waters and your lovely chatter!
The Company used the rope bridge to cross the Celebrant, and Phoenix was amazed to discover that she hardly needed to use the overhand rope at all.
Legolas: Someone! Anyone! Push her!
Walking the bottom rope was as easy as walking a true bridge. “This place is messing me up,” she whispered to herself, watching Legolas run across the bridge toward her, not using the hand-guides at all. “Show off!” she called to him and he smiled, jumping nimbly down.
AW: (Legolas, singing) Anything you can do, I can do better...
Gimli was not at all pleased to have to be the only one blindfolded. Aragorn ordered that if Gimli must be blindfolded, so must all of the Company.
Legolas: Aragorn's so bossy!
“But I am a kinsman here,” Legolas protested.
AW: (Legolas) See the ears?
Aragorn growled and shook his head.
AW: (Aragorn) No way, bub.
“We are a Company,
Legolas: With a capital 'c'!
and as such we shall all fare alike.”
AW: (Aragorn) So there.
“I am hard-pressed to bind the Lady’s eyes,” Haldir said, hesitating in front of Phoenix. “With such a loveliness of her own, she might appreciate the beauty of this land.”
AW: Bah! Blind fold the witch!
“Do it anyway,” Phoenix said with a cheeky grin. “For now I’m a member of this Company too,
Legolas: Since when? Who invited you?!
and I’m not going to go for special treatment.
AW: (Phoenix) Not for the leg of the journey at least.
Although I have to tell you, I tend to be a little unstable without the use of my eyes.”
Legolas: (hopefully) Please let her trip!
Gimli narrowed his eyes, pulling back before he was to be bound. “I shall claim full amends for every fall and stubbed toe,” he growled.
AW: (Gimli) Who wants to be decapitated first?
“Don’t be such a grump, Gimli,” Phoenix said playfully, holding out her arms to feel her way. “This is actually kind of fun!”
Legolas: She said as she tripped and fell and got walked on my hobbits.
Her hand found a shoulder and she patted around until she felt the long blonde hair
AW: Hey! She's peeking!
and the bow. “Oh, hi, Legolas! Nice to... um… touch you.”
AW: Ooo! Phoenix. No hanky
She giggled, clinging to his shoulders. “Don’t let me trip, okay?”
Legolas smiled at her playfulness as his eyes were bound. “With an attitude like that,
Legolas: You'll never make it to Mordor alive.
Lady, how can anyone be angry at this state we are in?”
AW: Well, speaking for myself, not seeing the Golden Wood, and being handled by a complete stranger... yeah I'd be pretty angry.
“I’m not!” Merry said,” But take care that you tall folk do not step on a defenseless hobbit.”
Legolas: (Boromir) What's that Merry? *crunch* Oops...
After all their eyes were bound, the Company set off again. Instead of hanging onto the rope, divided among them, Phoenix was surprised to find Legolas taking her hand and leading her carefully on the path.
Legolas: Like the blind leading
the blind, they shall all fall into a ditch.
AW: Yes indeed, but pardon me while I hurl.
Her spirits were so high, she found herself humming.
“What song is that, Lady?” Legolas asked.
Legolas: (looking at AW) Uh oh...
“It’s called Angel On My Shoulder,” she answered.
AW: (whimpers) ...two songs in one chapter?
“Since you’re so deluded to think I can sing well, I’ll belt out a verse for you.”
(AW starts to tremble.
Legolas puts his arm around AW's shoulders, supportingly.)
Legolas: You can do this.
She felt her hand get warm,
Legolas: Ewww! Sweaty hands!
and she wasn't sure if it was the ring, or Legolas's touch.
“My Angel… on my shoulder
Legolas: My Devil... on my other....
You give me shelter
Legolas: A cardboard box.
You give me love and
And every time I turn around
You’re still right here
Legolas: Are you stalking me?
Angel…. My Angel
Ooohhohhh, my dear.”
Legolas: The song is over, see? You made it.
(AW starts to panic)
AW: Yes, but how many more songs will she sing before the fic is over?! I don't think I can take this!!!
A marching host of Elves had suddenly come up and they brought news to Haldir,
(AW runs to the theatre
doors and starts banging on them.)
AW: Let me out!! PLEASE let me out!!
some of which he reported. Almost all the Orcs had been destroyed and the few that were left were being pursued.
(AW collapses, sobbing.
Legolas goes and collects the fallen. He leads the trembling figure back
to his seat.)
Legolas: Here, take a drink from one of your cans Bounce brought you. You'll feel better.
“Also,” he said, ”they bring me a message from the Lord and Lady of the Galadhrim.
(AW takes a chug of Mountain Dew and tries to calm down.)
You are to walk free, even the dwarf Gimli.
It seems that the Lady knows who and what is each member of your Company.
AW: (nodding) Yeah. I'm okay. I think I just needed to get that out.
New messages have come from Rivendell perhaps.”
Legolas: Okay, we'll finish this chapter than have a brief walk around.
He first removed the band from Gimli’s eyes, bowing low. “Your pardon! Look on us now with friendly eyes! Look and be glad, for you are the first dwarf to behold the trees of the Naith of Lórien since Durin’s Day!”
One by one, their blindfolds were taken off and they all gasped in wonder at the beauty of the land. Haldir explained that they were in Cerin Amroth and that they would rest until dusk where they would come to the city of the Galadhrim.
AW: (squinting) Okay... less see.... Tolkien... Tolkien.... Nope. No Kaos Girl writing there. Next!
Aragorn stood by himself, watching Phoenix as she lay on the ground, staring up at the stars. He smiled, lost in a fair memory. A bloom of elanor was in his hand and he spoke a few words in an Elvish tongue. Arwen vanimelda, namarië!
Legolas: Blah. Blah. Blah.
Okay, time for a little break. We can still do this.
AW: How come you're handling this so well?
Legolas: With all the battles that I've seen, this isn't half as bad.
AW: Oh. Huh.
Legolas: Looks like the tables have turned somewhat.
AW: Yeah, looks like. (gets up) Race ya around the theatre five times!
Legolas: You're on.
Click here to continue.