AW: Greetings, and welcome
to the first edition of "Msting with Elves!". I am your host for the msting,
AW, and my co-elf here, the Prince of Mirkwood and all round lust object,
Legolas: (wearily) Yes... hello.
AW: Today, it is not a fanfic that we are msting.
Legolas: (surprised) No?
AW: No. As some of you know, on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000, they often mst short old 70's education films. Very amusing.
Legolas: ... (smiles and nods... knowing nothing of this)
AW: So, today, we are going to take something of the sort. Not an educational something... that would just be boring!
Legolas: I... suppose...
AW: Today, we're going to tackle something much more fun; a rant! Or in this case, a confused little girl who doesn't know when to shut up.
Legolas: ... ah.
AW: The sadder fact is that she's older than I am.
Legolas: Oh dear.
AW: Yes, she's not a tween... and I'm sorry my friend, but she's also jumped on the Legolas Bandwagon.
Legolas: (defeated) Don't they all....
AW: But also, today we're going to have a guest!
Legolas: Oh? Who?
(AW looks at his watch.)
AW: He should be arriving................. (points up to the ceiling) ....now!
(From where AW was pointing, a black hole opens up and out falls a figure dressed in green with white tights. A sword falls after him and dangerously misses AW's head.)
AW: AHHH! Hey! Why don't
you put that in your scabard or something! Someone could get maimed!
Figure: ... Where am I?
AW: Welcome to the Haven from Fangirls! Legolas, meet Link; he's from the land of Hyrule. Link - Legolas.
Legolas: Pleased to meet you.
Link: ....it's a pleasure. ... ??
AW: Don't worry, you're here because we want to help you. Don't worry, everything will become clear every soon.
(AW turns to Legolas.)
Legolas: (who is only slightly less confused than Link) Al-right.
"Dragon of Darkness 2001-12-10
AW: (deep voice) I shall devower you!
Legolas: The brain cell count!
AW: (DoD) I was too lazy to actually sign into fanfiction.net! Yey me!
OH SO THE HOSTILITY HAS FOUND YET ANOTHER AVENUE!!!
AW: It's between 24th and
Legolas: (squints) I fear the caps.
Well first off Phoenix
Legolas: AHHH! It's Chosen all over again!!!! Don't make me re-visit that place!
I will have to congratulate you, if you had an e-mail well sh!t I was just going to show you just how much of a B!TCH I can be!!!!
(Everyone re-reads that
AW: Still nothing.
Legolas: Uh... isn't 'bitch' a bad word?
Legolas: But she put in an exclaimation point, instead of an 'i'.
Legolas: (confused) Why?
AW: Because she doesn't want to type the word.
Legolas: But everyone knows what the word is.
Legolas: So why bother doing that? Who does she think she's fooling?
I can be a vengeful, nasty B!TCH if I want to!!!!
Legolas: There it is again!
Oh sure, laugh it up phoenix, you and your crew or ridiculers,
Ooo! I think she means us!
Link: (quietly) How did I get here?
AW: (quickly and matter of factly) Through a plot hole. Now, shhh!
because, the day is coming,
Legolas: For the night shall not be forever!
and revenge is a dish best served cold
AW: With pinto beans and muffins!
and I don't mean that loosely!
AW: (laughing) Was that suppose
to be a threat?
Legolas: (squinting) I too fail to see the threat within that statement.
Ya know phoenix, Karri is right you are a sick twisted perverted b!tch
Legolas: (keeping count) ...three....
that would not last 5 minutes in the same room with
AW: Well, that works too.
before I would end up beating her ass!
(AW looks at the screen
AW: Um... okay.
Link: (quietly) Can I go back to Hyurle now?
AW: No. Shhh!
It really amazes me just how damn stupid people are getting over a f****** fictional story!!
AW: I have a little phrase for you, girl; "Calling the kettle black."
No one understands that because most of you are as thick headed as an ox's ass!
Legolas: ... Just how thick
is an ox's rear?
AW: What I'd like to know is, how does she know?
Ok its time, I have held this back long enough!!!
AW: Let the dam burst forth with it's innate chatter!
Lets get one thing straight,
Legolas: Use a ruler.
THESE STORIES ARE FICTIONAL!!!!
Legolas: (flinches) Caps!
I cannot believe how so many people are acting like this is real life!!!
A story is like a CARTOON, anything can happen in a cartoon as the same with a story.
Legolas: (sarcastically) Nooooooooo... reeeeeeeally?
When Wilily Coyote runs off a cliff and hits the bottom, what happens?
AW: There's a little puff of dust cloud.
He gets back up.
AW: Or holds up a little
sign... or tiny umbrella...or even a little white flag!
In REAL life a person would DIE,
Legolas: (sarcastically) Nooooooooo... reeeeeeeally?
but in a cartoon that don't matter!
(AW gently slaps his cheek in artificial shock.)
Now a story is the same way, anything can happen just like in a cartoon.
Legolas: (DoD) Let me amaze you with my amazing repeativness and redundacies!
Stories and cartoons ARE NOT REALITY, so using the thing we all have called
imagination and creating anything you want in a story, IS NOT WRONG!!!!!
Legolas: Who said it was?
I cannot stress enough just how so many people are acting so childish over fictional stories that people drum up using their ideas from their imagination!
AW: From what I know of slash and hentai authors, I don't want to know what their imagining off time.
I will say this to get my point across!
Legolas: Besides the one on top of your head?
MY STORY "INNER LIFE" IS A DAMN FICTIONAL STORY BASED ON DREAMS AND ALSO DEVISED FROM MY IMAGINATION!
Link: AAAAHHHHHHHH! It's
AW: Quick! Tie him to the chair!
(There's a scuffling noise and a couple of shouts. When it's all over, Link is tied firmly to the theatre chair. Link is struggling furiously and screaming incomprehensible, and most likely swear words in Hyrulian.)
Legolas: Please inform me as to why we have just done this?
AW: So he can't run away in panic.
Legolas: (nods) Thank you.
No reality based properties apply to a cartoon or any FICTIONAL stories!!
AW: Well, thank goodness for that!
So get with the program people, its getting so damn old how so many people base so much reality into fictional stories!!!
Legolas: No one wants you to base reality into your fictional stories, but it sure helps to make them semi-believeable.
Just like one reviewer said, "In SSBros Melee, Link is described as a one minute man."
AW: Well, he wears a green
dress with a belt, white tights and a tight undershirt... he wears a hat...
he's tied to a chair...
Legolas: What are you doing?
AW: Describing him in one minute.
Legolas: I do not think that is what she means.
AW: Look, I'm trying to help him out here, okay...
But he is applying reality into that statement by saying that there is no way Link could have sex 4 times in a row!
(Link stops struggling.
Everyone is silent. ... The two elves look at Link. Link looks back.)
AW: ...She made you..... four times?! I had only heard of the horrors before...
(Link's lower lip begins to tremble.)
Well let me say this,
Link: (close to tears) Why must you make me live through this... again?
DAMNIT GET OVER IT, IT'S FICTIONAL NOT REALITY!
AW: (apologetic to Link) I... had no idea!
So how many times he can have sex doesn't matter!!
Legolas: I think it does
AW: And it should be with one person... Zel-da. You remember her, right? The princess who's name is in the title of the frickin' game!
You people really are starting to scare me ya know.
Link: The feeling is mutual.
I'm beginning to wonder just how sane people like Phoenix are.
AW: Probably the same as you....
If they honestly believe that turning all of this into some kind of extravaganza is normal, these people really are sick and need to seek professional help!
Link: They're sick?! And just who made up "The Bonding Ceremony"?!
I'm starting to begin
to side with my father about the Internet. He says that the net will be
the death of the human race, and I'm
beginning to think he's right.
Legolas: ...Fanfiction... to the internet... to the death of the human race...? I'm sorry, but what is your father smoking?
The net was a dream Bill Gates drummed up as a way for people to become closer,
AW: Actually, the internet's origins had something to do with the American navy or something like that. I'm pretty sure.... it wasn't ol' Billy.
not to attack each other and become a way to vent ones anger.
Legolas: (faked surprise) It's not?! Well, torture me for a thousand years and call me an orc....
It is the people who use the net as a way to entertain their sick lonely lives,
(Everyone loudly clears their throats.)
and use it as an avenue to vent their anger at the world that is going to crash the whole Internet Schlemiel around us!
AW: (excitedly) Ooo! Look! The use of one of her 'slangs'! I've read about this! (giggles)
It is one thing to post a story that is based on some one's sexual dreams and another when your whole world exists on just how much entertainment you can get from watching some one fizz.
Legolas: No.... I think the
first option is a wee bit sicker and sadder, yes.
AW: No one wants to read your sick sexual fantasies, alright LQ?
AW: DoD's "real" name; Link's Queen.
Legolas: (winces) Ouch.
Link: She's not! (begging) Please make it stop!
AW: We know... it's almost over. Well, ... sorta.
It is those kind of people like phoenix who live only like to hurt people that are the sickest people of all!
Legolas: We beg to differ.
I believe also people like phoenix must be very lonely with little friends and a lot of time to spend her entire life on a computer harassing someone.
AW: (LQ) I also believe that Mickey Mouse is real and that I'm going to fly one day with these wings I have on my back!
I only get on the net for 2-3 hrs at most either everyday or every other day to check my mail and to talk with a few friends or come here briefly, then I get off.
AW: (monotone) Thank you for the story of your life. My life is richer for it.
I have much better things to do then spend my life in cyberspace fighting with insane people.
Legolas: Then why are you
even taking time to do it? This girl doesn't make any sense.
AW: She never does. Contradiction is her specialty.
And I have started to become worried about some people here,
Legolas: (LQ) Do they have faces? How can they see the screen?!
wondering where their sanity really lies.
AW: Certainly not in bed with Link, that's for sure.
As a word of advice to phoenix and others like her: My story was never intentionally put here to attack another person,
AW: But... what about poor,
defenseless Link? I mean, ...we had no trouble tying him up.
Link: (quietly) Can you loosen the ropes, please?
Legolas: No. Shhh!
therefore I'm not sick
AW: Whether you attack another person or not, doesn't gauge whether you're sick minded or not.
because my intentions are not to harm anyone
Legolas: But Link.
(Link nods furiously.)
and I keep to myself,
AW: And look for praise from your lackies in every little thing you do.
but you and people like you live to hurt people and strive to make people miserable because you have nothing else better to do.
AW: Well...... yeah!
I believe that you really need to see a shrink and learn to get out more,
AW: (worried) ...Aren't there bears outside?
because what you are doing really is becoming very unhealthy and is very twisted and sick.
AW: (blushing) Aww... gee, thanks!
And if you really are to dumb or blind to realize that, then please for the sake of the world's sanity, STOP GETTING ON THE NET AND VENTING YOUR PENT UP ANGER!!!!!
It really is becoming outrageous and ridiculous!
Legolas: And perposterous even.
Oh and one last thing,
AW: (LQ) I'm actually a man.
you people have a quarrel with me,
Legolas: So, put up your dukes!
not Karri, SO LEAVE MY FRIEND ALONE!!!!!!
AW: (LQ) 'Cause she can't fend for herself!
Also one last side note:
Legolas: So the "last thing" wasn't the last thing at all, then?
Well damn I sure figured out just EXCACTALLY what this story was reflecting apon
AW: Upon, dear. Upon.
after I dwelt on it LONG ENOUGH!!
Legolas: So the story isn't self explainatory? What a stupid story.
Ya know dumb asses,
AW: I'll have you know that I have a dictionary in my pocket, which makes me a smarty pants, thank you.
I don't spend my time dwelling on stupid sh!t,
Legolas: ...uh... that's... four?
I have other things to care for,
AW: Like, my goldfish.
so things like this don't occupy my mind like it does with most of you.
AW: (hissing) She's
onto us, my friend.
Legolas: (same tone) Yes, we must change our stratigy.
Now this girl, well I have to say is just as twisted and messed up as you pathetic lot,
Legolas: Flattery will get you nowhere!
so don't worry, I have my own plans for handling this one! *Snickers*"
AW: (LQ) It involves chewing
gum, a match and a roll of duct tape.
(AW turns to Link.)
AW: It's over now.
Link: (meekly) Can you untie me now so I can crawl off and lick my wounds?
AW: What happened to the Link that defeated Ganondorf and rescued the beautiful Zelda?!
Link: He met, ... J-... J-... Queen Jenna.
Legolas: (shaking his head) The poor man... Who knew that one female could send such fear into one man?
AW: Indeed. (begins to untie Link) And now we'll go out for ice cream and we can talk about it.
Link: (quietly) Ice cream?
AW: Yes... you can have any flavour you want.
Legolas: I doubt that ice cream will solve his proble-
Link: (meekly) Could I have butterscotch ripple?
AW: (beaming) Anything you want.
Legolas: Huh... well I'll be....
"Rant" written by Link's Queen
Msted by Al's Waiter
(msted without permission and HOW!)
Msting concept belongs to Best Brains
Legolas and other Lord of the Rings characters belong J. R. R. Tolkien and his kin.
Link and related topics belong to Nintendo... I think... and not to LQ.
Special Thanks to:
Tilly for posting it for me to mst.
I'm starting to begin to side with
my father about the Internet.
He says that the net will be the death of the human race, and I'm beginning to think he's right.