AW: (out of breath)
I'm.. .really, really... sorry. I slept in and I... ran the whole way here....
I was up late last night... watching 'Undergrads' and then 'Spawn: The
Animated Series' and then it was three AM and ... it's all my fault...
I'm really sorry. I'll... make it up... to you some...how.
Legolas: (eyebrow still raised) Mmm hmmm? I certainly hope so. Now, what do you have for us today?
AW: It's a fiction... that we actually have permission... to mst! Miracles do happen! Ha-
Legolas: (impatient) Get on with it.
AW: Right. (catching his breath) It's a story... about a girl who's real name is actually Mary Sue... and gets transported to Middle Earth against her wil-
Legolas: Didn't we do this one already? Wait... let me guess, she gets transported to Mirkwood and falls in love with me?
AW: You'd like that, would you?
AW: (chuckles) Anyway, amoung the millions of transportation to Middle Earth fics... this one stands out... and from what I've heard, it's not too bad.
(Legolas nods and takes one kernel of popcorn from the bag.)
Legolas: Uh. I shouldn't have asked for extra butter.
AW: Alright. (calls up) Okay Bounce! Roll 'em!
Bounce: Jaoul, Mien Herr.
(Both elves look up at the projection room.)
Taken Far Too Literally
AW: When drinks are on the house, do _not_ get a ladder!
Legolas: She needs to get a little more sun.
Thought I forgot this one, didn't you?
AW: Uh... yes?
Nope. Mary Sue is still in Mordor.
Legolas: Being tortured as we speak!
The plot twists toward the surreal.
AW: Around the plot holes and under the dangling participle.
Special Guest Stars and everything!
AW: Gary Colmen?
Lord of the Rings - PG-13 - English - General/Fantasy - Chapters: 10 - Words: 18160 - Updated: 06-04-02 - Published: 02-13-02
Legolas: Blah blah blah... and I ate a carrot for lunch.
Disclaimer: Oh, do I have to? Does anyone actually think I believe I own any of this?
AW: Oh, you'd be surprised.
Oh, all right, suitable credit to the actual persons where appropriate.
AW: They have names
you know. Name everyone that was ever involved with the writting, editing,
printing, distributing, rea-
Legolas: Okay, that's enough.
AW: Give me a few moments.
Taken Far Too Literally
AW: Welcome to the department of redundancy department.
It was the stench that finally woke her.
Legolas: After two weeks of no washing can do that to someone.
The smells assailing her nose were NOT the normal post-party odors of stale beer and lingering weed.
AW: Crack, cocain, and exstasy was present and accounted for though.
No, the reek was much, much worse, strong enough to penetrate the drunken stupor
Legolas: Clears the sinuses.
and drive her into unwilling consciousness.
AW: She has already bought a t-shirt at the town of Insane and didn't need another one.
At least, she thought she was conscious.
Legolas: But it was just one of those very realistic dreams.
As she pried her sticky eyes
Legolas: Off the table.
open and blearily took in her surroundings,
she wasn't so sure.
AW: (british accent) I'm not dead yet!
She was lying on stony ground in what looked for all the world like a Ridley Scott version of "The Wasteland".
Legolas: Though the little fluffy, pink sheep were new.
Desolation lay all around, broken rocks, parched ground, dark sky,
AW: With fries on the side.
Legolas: But no onions.
The place bore a suspicious resemblance to nuclear winter horror pictures.
"If I have to dream T.S. Elliot, why can't it be Jellicle Cats?" she moaned.
AW: 'You know nothing? Do
you see nothing? Do you remember 'Nothing?'
Legolas: Where'd you get that?
AW: Some nobody named T.S. Elliot.
Legolas: Has he heard of fanfiction? Sounds like a pretty good description of Sue here.
As she sat up,
Legolas: She hit her head.
AW: Bitter already?
Legolas: Does it show?
it occurred to her that the place had a solidity that dreams normally lacked.
AW: Ideas that make sense and that were not induced by cheese whiz?
So she pinched herself in the age old manner of determining wakefulness.
Legolas: And her screams
were heard all the way in the Shire.
AW: (Frodo) Did you hear that horrible screechings Sam? Are the Wraiths back?
Not only did it hurt like hell,
Legolas: It was pretty darn funny too.
the damned pinch left a nasty bruise.
AW: But was it a brusie?
So much for that theory.
AW: You mean, survival of the fittest is a falsehood?! My life has no meaning!
"Maybe I'm still buzzed?" was her next logical explanation.
Legolas: (girl, thinking) That barber did seem a bit electric razor happy last night...
However, the aches and pains as she moved,
Legolas: She found her limbs fell off.
the pounding in her head and the nasty taste in her dry mouth
AW: She would never kiss a skunk ever again.
all screamed "hangover".
AW: Quick! Get the coffee!
If she was hungover, she couldn't still be buzzed.
AW: But add Jolt to the equation and voila!
Theory Number Two shot all to hell.
Legolas: (Whoever) And don't come back!
"So, not buzzed, not dreaming, then what?" she asked the broken rocks. Predictably enough, the rocks had no helpful suggestions.
Legolas: (rocks) Toledo!
AW: (rocks) Montreal!
She forced her brain through the fog of last night's excess, thinking hard.
AW: (speaker) Ouch.
No ideas presented themselves.
Legolas: They just left the assignment in the teacher's box.
She stood up.
Legolas: Then fell over.
AW: (speaker) Whoa, stood up too fast.
Maybe a better look around would provide some clues.
Legolas: (speaker) Well, we got rocks, parched ground, dark sky... I must be in New York!
The place was definitely the proverbial hell-hole, as ugly as it was smelly.
AW: It's Old Spice's time limit had long expired.
A huge solitary volcano could be seen smoking in the distance.
Legolas: Oh, then Hawaii?
"Oh no," she gasped as a horrible thought occurred to her. "No no no no no no no no no no!"
AW: The Olsen Twins had released yet another crappy movie!
She shook her head in denial. "This can NOT be happening.
AW: (speaker) How can they come up with so many bad movies?
I am way too old for this shit.
Legolas: (speaker) I have a bad back and I'm due for my Barley Green.
I thought I was safe from this once I passed my teens!"
AW: (speaker) But puberty has followed me into my forties!
She sat back down, holding her head in despair.
AW: (speaker) I really should attach this on with more than just duct tape.
"I should have known better than to see that damned movie so many times! Then reread the books, listen to the radio drama, and I was even stupid enough to get into the fanfic! I'm screwed! If I ever get out of this, I am going to kill my mother for naming me Mary Sue!"
Legolas: And the truth comes
AW: (Freud) Would you like a couch to lie on?
*Well, that's your lot.
AW: (author) Sucks to be you.
Cheesy take on the classic Mary Sue. Whaddya think...
Legolas: That lembas taste better if you have a little of wine to go with them.
waste of space or halfway decent?
Legolas: Oh, about the story... well... eih.
Future chapters depend on interest or lack thereof, so please R/R.
Legolas: R&R? Rest and relaxation? Excellent!
Flames welcome only if they're excessively vulgar and heavy on obscenities.
AW: (author) I keep an extinguisher
under my pillow when I sleep. Prevents fatal flame-ups.
Disclaimer: yeah ,yeah, you all know the routine. I own nothing and no one.
Legolas: (author, sobbing) I don't even own my car.
Denial's a River in Egypt
AW: And Tokyo is the most expensive city to live it. So what? Oh... it's a play on words, I see...
Mary Sue wasted several minutes
AW: Peeing behind a gorse bush.
staring around in shock. Her brain simply refused to
AW: So she started talking.
accept the reality of her situation,
AW: She just couldn't admitt that she was back in OZ.
if "reality" was the right word for it.
Legolas: What else would
you call Middle Earth?
(AW whistles innocently.)
She was inclined to believe "acid flashback" was closer to the truth, but since she'd never done acid, that let that out.
Legolas: Vinager just wasn't strong enough these days.
Furthermore, this dump was simply too detailed, too cohesive to be drug-induced.
Legolas: Too bad for you!
Impossible as it was,
AW: Richard Simmons is real.
she was obviously stuck firmly in the middle of that overused fanfic standard, "modern person transported to Middle-Earth".
Legolas: The "Welcome to Middle Earth. Mirkwood that way!" sign was just too much of a give-away.
There was nothing to do now but make the best of a bad (and absurd!) situation.
AW: Get some mircowaveable popcorn!
She took a few moments to clear her head
Legolas: And her sinus'.
(HAH!) and logically assess the situation. Given the ugliness and stench of her surroundings, she had to be in or near Mordor.
AW: Give the lady a prize!
From what she remembered of the book's descriptions, she was in either Emyn Muil or on the Plain of Gorgoroth.
AW: Ooo! Actual location names! I'm impressed!
Every fiber in Mary Sue's being hoped for
Legolas: A quick and painless death.
Gorgoroth on the grounds of 1)being nearer the end of the story and therefore closer to home,
AW: (Mary Sue) There's place like home. There's no place like home.
2) avoiding the Dead Marshes
AW: (Mary Sue, whispering) I see dead people.
and 3) not having to interact with Gollum.
Legolas: He just smells.
"I just can't deal with that little weasel when I'm hungover!" she thought aloud.
AW: (Mary Sue) His hisses will make me think that he's leaking or... something.
Thinking of her hangover and the accompanying dehydration brought her mind to more practical matters.
AW: Where was she going to find a papaya juice stand?
She had no food, no water and only the vaguest idea where to find some.
Legolas: Get a stick in the shape of a 'Y'... hold it at the two forked parts....
On the upside, since she'd passed out at the party last night rather than going properly to bed, she was still fully clothed.
AW: Let's be thankful for small favours!
While cargo pants and a Batman T-shirt might not be the heightof Middle-Earth fashion,
Legolas: On the contrary, you haven't seen my father's sleepwear.
they were decidedly better than nudity.
Legolas: Small favours indeed.
Mary Sue was even fortunate enough to be wearing her favorite ugly battered "hanging around the house" sweater,
AW: With a little hanging stickman picture on the front.
so just maybe she could avoid freezing to death once night fell.
Legolas: (night) >Thud< Oops, sorry.
Becoming a Mordor-cicle was NOT her idea of a good time.
AW: Come on! You gotta try everything at least once!
Bending down to tighten her boots,
Legolas: She lost her balance.
Mary Sue was for the first time glad her friends were a bunch of lazy slobs who left passed-out drunks the way they were, instead of making them comfortable like considerate people.
AW: ...What has that got to do with her?
Otherwise, her feet would be shredded in minutes by the stony ground.
She knew she'd be doing a lot of walking before she was done,
Legolas: Yes. None of that "Leaving Hobbiton, three hours later they're in Bree" nonsense.
if she truly was stuck in cheesy fanfiction, which sure as hell seemed to be the case.
AW: There were Kraft cheese wrappers everywhere!
She was certain the only way out of this mess was to find the heroes and perform her Mary Sue-ly duties by saving their sorry asses.
AW: (singing) ....With the strength of ten ordinary men....
"But there is NO WAY I'm falling in love with a hobbit, big blue eyes or not!" she informed the Powers That Be in no uncertain terms.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Well,... maybe for the hairy feet, but...
Her only goal was to get this disaster over with ASAP and get the hell home, preferably in time for
AW: Dragonball Z.
this afternoon's yoga class.
AW: (instructor) Good. Now today we'll learn how to tie ourselves in a knot. Alright... let's begin...
Mary Sue squared her shoulders and set off in the general direction of Mt. Doom, muttering obscenities the entire way.
AW: (Mary Sue) Rassum, frassum, no good >beep<, lousy >beep<, mother will suely pay for this >beep< name she gave me...
*Ok, that's Chapter Two. As before, R/R, flame only if it's supremely vulgar and dripping in obscenities.
AW: (flamer) This is one >beep< fic! You suck! You can shove it up your >beep<!
BTW, I promise in the next chapter there will be <gasp>, ACTUAL TOLKIEN CHARACTERS in this nominally Tolkien fanfic.
Legolas: And I come riding
on my horse named Shadowfax, 'cause the author is too lazy to think of
a name for the darn animal.
Disclaimer: Still not mine, still Tolkien?s.
Legolas: (author) The legal action against me is still in the courts...
Pop culture references not mine either, nor brand names.
AW: (author) But I'm still trying!
Author?s Warning: this chapter deals with something I have always wanted to see addressed in fanfic, but never have..
AW: (author) Why Bert always slept in the kitchen when they had a living room.
The title is a hint.
Legolas: Please use it.
Please r/r, I have GOT to know what others think of this insanity.
AW: (author) I need to know where to jam this fic after!
Chapter Three: A Call of Nature and a Stroke of Luck
AW: (author) I got all cherries!
Mary Sue had been trudging through hell for a thousand years.
Legolas: Hmm... the walking
AW: Wouldn't that make her a Wraith?
Make that ten thousand years. Or an eon. Or an epoch. Or eternity. Or?..?Oh hell, I?ve run out of time spans!? she muttered to herself.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Let me start over...
She was trying desperately to keep her spirits up, and failing miserably.
AW: Try singing... no, wait... on second thought, don't!
Nothing was going her way, absolutely nothing at all. ?A pox on Tolkien for creating this!? she screamed to the gloomy sky.
AW: (sarcastically) Yes, darn Tolkien for starting the whole fantasy fandom!
She kept walking, same as she?d been doing for the last several hours, no food, no water, nothing but sinkholes to avoid and boulders to maneuver around. To add insult to injury, this entire time last night?s pizza and beer had been making their way through her digestive system. Now, nature was calling in a big way.
Legolas: (nature) This is my payback for they way you've been treating me the past thousand years. (Evil chuckle)
Mary Sue had done her fair share of partying in the woods, so going outside didn?t bother her.
AW: But she didn't have the nice white stuff.
What bothered her was that this wasn?t the woods. There were no trees anywhere.
Legolas: Lean against a bolder!
No trees meant no leaves, and since she hadn?t had the option of grabbing niceties like toilet paper
AW: ... That's what I said.
before waking to find herself unceremoniously dumped into the worst sort of cheesy fanfic, the lack was a major problem.
AW: Use a cheese wrapper!
She did her best to ignore her body?s demands, but as time went on, the discomfort grew unbearable.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, thinking) Gotta pee. Gotta pee! Gotta pee!
Finally, the call of nature could not be denied.
AW: (operator) Will you execpt the charges?
Squeamishness was simply no longer an option, and Mary Sue was forced to find a suitable place to go.
Legolas: (announcer voice) ...In the cracks of Mt. Doom!
She picked a likely-looking group of boulders, dropped her drawers and reluctantly did her business. Once done, she paused, longing for a leaf, or better yet, some Charmin.
AW: (signing) Cha-cha-cha... Charmin!
In the end, she improvised. While scraping her ass on a rock was neither comfortable nor particularly hygienic, it was better than the alternative.
AW: Better than passing the stone any day!
?The next time I have to wind up in fangirl story, PLEASE can?t it be Star Wars or Star Trek or something with indoor plumbing???? she cried to the Powers That Be.
Legolas: (Powers That Be) No promises.
The unpleasant necessities of life attended to, Mary Sue yanked her pants into place.
AW: (Mary Sue, struggling) They ...(grunt) shrunk again!
They had an odd weight to them,
AW: You're suppose to miss!
and something bumped her leg as she pulled them up. She reached into the thigh pocket of her cargoes, and pulled out an engraved hip flask, a joke gift from a friend.
Legolas: (friend) Merry Christmas.
She had totally forgotten stuffing it into her pocket last night,
AW: (friend) Is that a flask in your pocket or are you... no ... I guess it really is a flask.
after a rousing game of Quarters. Opening the flask, Mary Sue discovered-joy of joys!- a pint bottle of Jose Cuervo. It was nearly empty, of course, for Mary Sue always played to lose at Quarters, but when she pulled out the bottle, she found a good shot-and-a-half of tequila still in the bottom.
Legolas: Aren't you going
to make a comment about all of this?
AW: What do you want? I don't know the first thing about booze; I don't drink!
That sure as hell would make this ridiculous situation more bearable! More importantly, she now had not one, but two containers to carry water in, assuming she ever found any.
AW: Though I did learn about Quarters on 'Undergrads', but that's about it...
?If Sam and Frodo can find water in this godforsaken hell-hole, so can I! Here?s to Uncle Jose,? she told the flask, happily downing the tequila.
AW: What was found was black
water if I recall correctly; not the best for one's health.
Legolas: Neither is tequila.
AW: Ah, touche, my friend.
Much heartened, Mary
Sue put the bottle back in the flask and replaced the whole thing back
in her thigh pocket. Then,
and only then, it finally occurred to her to check her other pockets.
Legolas: Oh yes, of course. Silly Sue.
She?d been so busy bitching about the situation, she hadn?t done as thorough a job assessing at as she?d first thought. She rolled her eyes in disgust at her own stupidity.
AW: Sue, you're fired.
To be fair, there wasn?t much aside from the flask. A couple of cough drops,
Legolas: Good for sour throats.
some bottle caps, a nearly full pack of gum,
AW: Good for.. making you more hungry.
a pen, last week?s grocery list, which made her hungry to read, 83 cents,
Legolas: Which could buy...
AW: Not a whole lot.
two tubes of Chapstick,
Legolas: Why two?
AW: Don't know. Ask Drew when you see her; I think she carries two... or more around.
and a comb, as well as the gloves she habitually kept in her sweater pocket. ?Well, at least I can eat the cough drops, the gum and the Chapstick.
AW: (Mary Sue) Boy... that was a good meal of ... whatever Chapstick's... made of...
And I may be filthy, smelly, starving and dehydrated, but I won?t have bad hair,? she told the rocks.
AW: (Mary Sue) For I use Infusium 23!
She?d taken to doing a lot of that lately.
AW: (Mary Sue) When we have been alone for thousands of years, we get into the habit of talking to ourselves.
Her treasures repacked, minus a stick of gum currently in her mouth, Mary Sue set off again. She went more slowly this time, keeping ears and eyes open for any sign of water. She knew if she didn?t find some soon, she?d die in this miserable pit.
Legolas: Please don't get my hopes up.
She hunted for a long time, but eventually she heard a teeny, tiny trickle.
AW: How much you wanna bet it's an orc peeing or something.
Tracking the source of the sound was by no means easy. She grew frantic looking for it. Just as she was about to give up and indulge the breakdown she?d been putting off all day, Mary Sue very literally stepped into the puny stream.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Augh! Now my socks are wet!
The thing was more puddle than stream and the water had a rancid taste,
(AW opens his mouth to
Legolas: Uh-uh. If you mention anything about orc pee, I'll gag you.
(AW quickly closes his mouth.)
like warm, flat Miller Lite, but she drank gratefully nonetheless. Mary Sue had never been a godly woman, in fact that had been a source of contention with her ex-in-laws, but now she firmly believed not only in the existence of Deity, but that He/She/It/They were good, compassionate, and looking out for her. ?Score one for Deus Ex Machina,? she muttered.
AW: (Deity) I can seeeee
Legolas: (Deity, thinking) I wonder if I could spit on her from here...
Mary Sue drank till she could drink no more.
AW: Then she had to pee agai-
(Legolas goes to attack AW.)
AW: (quickly) It wasn't about orc pee!
(Legolas considures this and sits back down.)
Legolas: (warningly) Just watch it.
Then, she filled both the tequila bottle and the flask, and splashed some water on her face.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Augh! It burns! Oh how it burns!
She stood to get her bearings, for all the good that did. Darkness had fallen,
AW: (Darkness) Ohthepain! ... I think I broke something.
and she couldn?t see two feet in front of her face.
AW: (Mary Sue) Raugh! What's
Legolas: And who did the feet belong to?
Mary Sue was hopelessly lost.
*Ok, so I lied, no canon characters in this chapter either.
AW: All a pack of lies! Lies
I tell you!
Legolas: She tells you too.
They?ll appear soon, Mary Sue is as frustrated by their non-appearance as you are!
AW: I'm not frustrated. (to
Legolas) Are you?
Legolas: Not remotely, because I'm getting used to chapter upon chapter of the interloper without seeing a trace of my fellow... Fellowshipers.
AW: Right. (points his index finger straight in the air) Onwards!
Disclaimer: Don?t own nuthin!
Legolas: (author) And I'm
gettin' nuttin' for Christmas.
AW: (announcer voice) I'd like to dedicate this chapter and all of the following chapters to Mrs. Brenda Huggbees that lives down my street, because huggbees is just so fun to say. Try it. Huggbees!
Legolas: Uh... suuuure.
Chapter 4: Of Stubbed Toes and Big Blue Eyes
AW: (throws his hands up) Huggbees!
Mary Sue let loose a stream of obscenities that would make a convention of sailors, marines and truck drivers blush.
Legolas: And she listened to it as it echoed and re-echoed around the rocks.
Then she went back and did it again in Russian, and once more in Portuguese, each time growing more vile in her descriptions.
Legolas: Tsk tsk. Someone
should wash her mouth out with a very large bar of soap.
AW: Either that, or give her a box of Chew gum.
She cursed the darkness, she cursed Mordor, she cursed Tolkien, his parents, Houghton-Mifflin, Peter Jackson, his parents, New Line Cinema, Middle-Earth, the rocks, the Ring,
Legolas: Feanor, until remembered that he was already cursed and then she cursed him for being cursed.
the hangover she still wasn?t completely over, basically she cursed any and everything even remotely related to this stupid situation.
AW: (Mary Sue, ranting) I had to pee behind a boulder. A boulder! I curse thee too!
Most of all, however, she cursed the still-missing hobbits.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, ranting) Where are your pint sized butts? I'll kick them into next week and the very heart of Mordor!
She?d been walking all stinking day, endured indignity, discomfort, and an endless parade of untalkative rocks,
Legolas: Yes, I do so hate
it when the rocks don't talk back.
AW: Pfft. Speak for yourself.
(Legolas looks at AW.)
all on the theory she was here to help those miserable little bastards with their mission to destroy the Ring. Except said miserable little bastards hadn?t had the grace to turn the hell up yet!
AW: Probably too busy running their collective mouths in eatting.
?This ISN?T the way this shit is supposed to work, dammit!!? Mary Sue yelled at the ever-faithful rocks.
Legolas: Didn't she curse
AW: (rocks) We're not listening to you...
Legolas: (rocks) Now, how do we put our fingers in our ears if we don't have either?
?The heroine is SUPPOSED to save the Fellowship, win the day and get transported home as mysteriously as she arrived! THAT?S how these stupid stories work!
AW: Or the decide to stay in Middle Earth with their claimed love muffin.
Then again, in these stupid stories, Mary Sue is 15, lands in Rivendell and Legolas falls in love with her.
Legolas: (sadly) Yes, the pedophile stories...
I am not 15, this is not Rivendell, and you are most certainly not Legolas!? she screamed, punctuating her tirade with a kick for the poor rock.
AW: Well,.. there are times
Legolas: (defensively) Hey...!
The rock took no notice, but her toes protested.
Legolas: (toes) More funding
for the working apendages!
AW: (toes) Talk to our union!
?That settles it!? she muttered through gritted teeth once she was finished with the required hop-around-and-swear portion of badly stubbed toes. ?I quit.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Kill me now.
One day here is one too many. I?m just gonna lie down right here, curl up and
Legolas: (hopefully) Die?
(Legolas snaps his fingers in disappointment.)
With anything like good luck, I?ll wake up back in my living room with the cat licking my face.?
AW: (singing) You're getting by on wishful thinking!
Darkness had brought cold to Mordor,
Legolas: (Darkness) Hope you like it.
so she put her sweater back on, tugged on her gloves, sipped a miniscule amount of her precious water, and lay down right where she was. She was so exhausted, she fell immediately asleep.
(Both elves make every loud snoring sounds.)
She was awakened several hours later by someone stepping on her hand. She bellowed, leapt to her feet, grabbed her assailant and slammed him against a rock,
Legolas: (rocks) Haven't we taken enough abuse from you already?
all in one move before she was fully awake. Imagine her surprised, once her brain caught up to her body, to see a pair of beautiful blue eyes staring up at her, very big, very haunted and currently very fearful.
AW: Blue, haunted and fearful
eyes? What type of creature could be attached to them?
Even more surprising was something short beating at her hips and arms, shouting ?Let him go!?
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Make me!
?Frodo?? Mary Sue asked in wonder. ?Sam??
?You know our names?? Big Blue eyes inquired softly, still in her grip. She nodded stupidly
AW: (Mary Sue) Ah-uh.
while Sam continued to try and make her drop Frodo.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, to Sam) If you keep doing that, it's going to start to itch.
Deep in her heart, she honestly hadn?t expected to really meet these two.
AW: She was thinking more
of that sexy elf dude.
Legolas: Please don't start that again.
Despite all her bitching, despite evidence to the contrary, Mary Sue still believed she was dreaming.
AW: Pfft. In your dreams.
Now that they had finally turned up, her brain flat-out refused to cope. It finally indulged the long-overdue total shut down. She fainted.
Legolas: Fade to black.
Disclaimer: I don?t own Frodo. I don?t own Sam. They are canon characters and belong to Tolkien.
AW: Wonderful man was Tollers.
I don?t own Mary Sue, either. She?s a cliché and belongs to the Cliché Fairy.
Legolas: Does she make an appearence in this fic?
I DO own a ?95 Neon that needs some work,
Legolas: Ha! So she does own her own car.
if anyone?s a good (and free!) mechanic.
AW: (pouts) I want a car.
Legolas: Don't you need a licenece first?
AW: Shut up.
Chapter 5: Hobbits At Last! About @%#%$ Time!!!
?Careful, Mr. Frodo. You don?t know who she is. She could be with the Enemy!?
Legolas: She is! Kill her Sam!
Legolas: (insistant) She is!
?But how can you be sure? You don?t know that.?
?I?m sure. I just know.?
Legolas: Darn that Hobbit.
Voices. Somebody was talking. Mary Sue heard the words, but they didn?t make any sense, so she ignored them. Maybe they?d go away.
AW: She should know by now, they never go away.
It worked, after a fashion. Instead of voices, she became aware of small hands patting her face.
Legolas: (Sam) There's tones of bugs on her, isn't there Mr. Frodo?
She batted feebly at what she thought was her kid, trying to wake her up.
AW: (May Sue) Go 'way. >whack<
Legolas: (Sam, shocked/worried) Mr. Frodo?!
She didn?t remember that the kid was at his father?s for the weekend, and even if he had been home, she wasn?t.
Legolas: Wait, she has a child?! After all the drinking and the cursing she's done? I certainly hope she doesn't do this infront of him.
She was in Mordor, but that tidbit hadn?t registered in her mind yet.
AW: Give it time....
The hands patted her cheek more insistently.
AW: (Sam) They're crawling all over her!
Now the voice was back, murmuring, ?Wake up. You cannot stay here, you must wake up.?
Legolas: (whoever) You're lying on my leg and it's going to sleep.
?Oh, Mr. Frodo, DO be careful!? the other voice interjected.
Legolas: Could it be 'injected'?
As in 'needles' and such?
AW: Whoa there!
Mary Sue wished they would both get lost. She rolled over, muttering ?Go ?way. Leamme ?lone. Lemme sleep.? As she rolled, she felt hard, stony ground instead of soft, comfortable bedding.
AW: (Mary Sue) Okay, who moved my bed again?
Abruptly memory returned.
AW: (Mary Sue) George Bush is the President?
She opened her eyes and sat bolt upright. ?Oh Shit!? she exclaimed as she took in her surroundings yet again.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, surveying) Rocks, rocks, dirty puddle, rocks, rocks, short people, rocks... This is Cleveland, isnt' it?
Just as she feared, she was still in Mordor, and it was still just as dreary, smelly and miserable as ever.
Legolas: (Mordor, sounding hurt) Love you to.
Only now, there were a couple of hobbits staring down at her, one concerned, yet oddly distracted, the other plainly suspicious.
AW: Why would Frodo be suspicious? ... Oh... you mean Sam. Right.
They could only be Frodo
Baggins and Sam Gamgee. Mary Sue was damned if they didn?t look EXACTLY
as they did in the
AW: (fained shock) You mean Elijah's not from the book?!
?Well, it?s about time you two showed up!? she snarled as she stood and dusted herself off. ?I?ve been wandering around this shithole all day, looking for you!?
AW: (Mary Sue) Would you like to buy a box of Girl Scout Cookies?
?Looking for us?? Frodo echoed.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, sarcastically) No, I was actually looking for that cuddly creature called Gollum. Have you seen him lately?
Mary Sue gave Frodo a Look. ?Why the hell else would I be here? For the ambience??
AW: Well,... the rocks are pretty nice....
Sam pounced on that like a cat on a wounded bird. ?You see, Mr. Frodo, she?s been searching for us, to capture us, bring us back to Barad Dur and give the Ring to Sauron, I?ll warrant!?
Legolas: (Mary Sue, thinking) Garn! Saw right through my plan!
Mary Sue turned her Look on Sam. ?Dammit, Samwise Gamgee, don?t be more of an idiot than you have to! If I?d planned to drag your sorry little hobbit asses to Barad Dur, don?t you think I?d?ve kicked the shit out of you by now??
Legolas: (Sam) But... you've
just woken up.
AW: (Mary Sue, defensivly) Shut up!
In case you failed to notice, I?m bigger and meaner than the pair of you.
Legolas: (Frodo) That you are.
All I?d have to do is crack your stupid heads together and out you go!? she bellowed, sounding frighteningly like Gandalf, though she didn?t realize it.
AW: What she also didn't realise was the three foot beard was growing out of her chin.
?That I didn?t when I had the chance ought to clue you in that I?m on the side of the angels, for Chrissake!?
(AW scowels at the screen.)
AW: I hope she doesn't do that curse too often.
The hobbits didn?t understand the slang, but Frodo at least got the gist of the tirade. ?Let it go, Sam,? he said. ?I believe we can trust her.?
Legolas: (Sam) But... but.. even after she said she could bash our heads together?!
Sam, for his part, didn?t look happy at all, but he did shut up. He merely stood there, arms crossed, and glared.
AW: If looks could kill, Sue'd be a raisin right now.
Mary Sue shot Sam a disgusted look, but dropped the subject. She turned her attention to Frodo. ?Where are we, anyway? I?ve already figured I?m in Mordor, but where exactly in Mordor?? she asked.
Legolas: (Frodo) Do you see a map anywhere on me, huh?
?You don?t know?? the hobbit asked, incredulous.
AW: (Mary Sue) Don't make me repeat myself, short stuff.
She rolled her eyes at him in a ?save me from stupid questions? expression. ?If I knew I wouldn?t have to ask, would I?!?!?!? she snarled. Stress was making her bitchy.
Legolas: Funny. She's been doing this for four and a half chapters now. You mean she's not always like this?!
?We are on the Plateau of Gorgoroth,? Frodo replied quietly, overlooking this strange human?s irritability. Actually, he was far too weary and burdened with thoughts of the Ring to care about it. Frodo was beyond caring about much of anything by that point.
AW: Good for Frodo! Ignore the crabby Sue!
?That?s what I guessed,? Mary Sue replied. She?d heard the defeated tone in Frodo?s voice but didn?t know what to do about it, so she ignored it. For now.
Legolas: She'd bug him about it later.
Sam could keep his silence no longer.
AW: He farted.
?How could you not know where you are?? he demanded, his tone belligerent.
Legolas: (Sam) You stupid, female git!
?How did you get here?
AW: (Mary Sue) Well Sam... when a man and a woman love each other very much....
What do you want?
AW: (Mary Sue) Legolas, but
he's not here right no-
(Legolas turns and dumps his popcorn bucket on AW's head.)
Who are you, anyway??
Legolas: (to AW) Now
it's your fault that I do not have popcorn now.
AW: (still in the bucket) Duely noted. Take some of mine. (quietly) Eww... extra butter...going in my eeeear...
Mary Sue couldn?t help but giggle at Sam?s barrage of questions. He looked so cute, standing there all indignant and
Legolass: Over protective.
protective of Frodo. She resisted the urge to pick him up and cuddle him.
Legolas: She just pinched his cheeks instead.
Hell, she wanted to cuddle them both, but she didn?t.
Legolas: To the relief of the audience.
Instead, she answered Sam?s questions as best she could.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, defensively)
(Legolas looks over at AW.)
Legolas: Why aren't you making any comments?
AW: (still in the bucket, chuckling) You know, there are some benifets of being in this bucket.... I can't read the story!
(Legolas grabs the bucket off of AW's head.)
Legolas: Give me that!
(AW tries to get some butter out of his right ear.)
?I don?t know where I am because I don?t know
Legolas: Anything. Ha ha ha.
how I got here. All I?m certain of is that I threw a monster party, got blasted,
AW: (Mary Sue) Then I took the phaser away from my kids.
passed out and woke up here. That ugly-ass mountain clued me in that I was probably in
AW: (Mary Sue) Cleveland.
Mordor. This dump matches the description in the books.?
Legolas: (Mary Sue) And the pretty depressing pictures from movie.
AW: (aside) Sounds like Pokemon. (shudders)
Did you hear that, Mr. Frodo? She IS with the Enemy!? Sam exclaimed.
Legolas: That's it Sam!
?Dammit Sam, they?re just expressions, common where I come from! ?Monster? means
(AW hands Legolas a dictionary.)
AW: Here, you look it up.
big and exciting,
(Legolas leafs through
the pages until...)
Legolas: Monster - a.An imaginary or legendary creature, such as a centaur or Harpy, that combines parts from various animal or human forms.
AW: Oh... like... this monster Monster is going to eat you!
and ?blasted? means
Legolas: (quietly as he searches) Blasted... blasted...
very very drunk.
Legolas: (reading) Blast - a.A very strong gust of wind or air. (reads a bit more, then looks up) There's also references to explosions, shots, volume of sounds.
Jesus H. Christ,
(AW growls at the screen
AW: (bitterly) Why do people think he has a middle name and that with the middle name "it may not really be him"?
stop being so goddamn suspicious!? Mary Sue was beginning to find Sam Gamgee to be a royal pain in the ass.
AW: So she smacked him around some.
Sam wasn?t about to let things go,
Legolas: His grip was so tight, his knuckles were loosing circulation.
not with his master?s life in the balance. He opened his mouth to berate Mary Sue, but Frodo stopped him with a gesture.
AW: (snickering) He
flipped Sam the bird.
AW: Uh... never mind.
?Please forgive Sam his suspicions.
Legolas: (Frodo) He's crazy.
We are in a dangerous place, on a dangerous mission,?
AW: With dangerous company, too even.
?Yeah, I know,? she replied, softening. Something about this hobbit was very soothing, even haunted and troubled as he so obviously was.
AW: It's because he's dead tired! That's why!
?I know all about the Ring, and the whole story. Probably more than you do, in fact.?
AW: (Mary Sue) I saw a movie
Legolas: (Frodo) Mooo-vie?
?Then you have us at a disadvantage,? Frodo commented. ?For you know all about us, yet we do not even know your name, nor where you come from, nor why you?re here.?
AW: (Mary Sue) To have se-
Legolas: Stop it! She's not after me in this story!
AW: Okay, fine!
She blushed, just realizing he was right, she was being stupid and inconsiderate. ?My name is Mary Sue. I come from a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.?
(AW starts humming the Star Wars theme.)
She couldn?t help but grin at that, though she knew the joke was lost on the hobbits. ?As for why I?m here, I can only guess.?
AW: To shag Frodo!
Frodo waited patiently for her to continue, Sam somewhat less so. He still did not trust this outlandish Big Person female.
Legolas: As well he should.
She ignored his glare and focused on Frodo.
AW: (Mary Sue) Magnification to 100x.
?Do you remember when Gandalf told you there were other things in the world besides the will of evil?? she asked.
Legolas: (Frodo) Um.... noooooo.
He nodded, not even bothering to wonder how she knew that. ?Well, I can only guess one of them sent me to help you.
AW: (Mary Sue) But only because the Powers That Be hate me.
How the hell I?m supposed to accomplish that I haven?t the foggiest. I don?t think I can get home until the Ring is destroyed, though,? Mary Sue sighed.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) That is only an educated guess mind you.
Frodo thought for a moment. ?Then you must come with us to Mt. Doom,? he said at last.
AW: (Mary Sue, thinking) Score!
Sam was aghast. ?Mr. Frodo, no! How do we know we can trust her?? he demanded.
Legolas: (Frodo) 'Cause I
AW: (Sam) Oh, alright then.
Mary Sue glared at him, ready to chew him a new asshole.
AW: Ooo, she's a feisty little
Legolas: Feisty indeed.
She was growing very tired of this little prick.
AW: Kick him in the nuts!
Legolas: Not Sam!
AW: Sorry, I'm getting a bit restless. There's no action in this story. I mean.... for three chapters, she talked to rocks!
Frodo forestalled a confrontation. ?I trust her, Sam,? he said simply.
AW: (Frodo) Just like when I make an pact with Gollum in a few chapters. It all works out... doesn't it?
?I feel she must be here for a reason, and that taking her with us is the right thing to do. I still have no hope that we will return alive, but with her help, we may at least get there, if not back again.?
AW: 'To there: A Hobbit's End' by Frodo Baggins.
He turned those huge blue eyes up at Mary Sue. ?Will you join us? I fear we have few supplies, but we will share what little we have.?
Legolas: (Sam) Will not!
Frodo was so cute, like a little lost puppy, that Mary Sue melted at that look.
AW: (Frodo, sighing) Get the mop, Sam. We have melted fangirl.
She was damned if she was gonna admit it even to herself, however. ?Well, since by the conventions of fanfic that?s what I?m here for, yes, I?ll join you. Can?t say I?m thrilled about the situation,
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Though I am, but I'm not going to tell you that.
but since I?m stuck here?..? she trailed off, shrugging.
AW: (Mary Sue) Do either of you know 'Twister'?
?She?s not thrilled with the situation?? Sam thought to himself.
Legolas: (Sam, thinking) Do you see either of us leaping for joy?
?I think this is a terrible idea, maybe worse than relying on Gollum, and look where that got us!?
AW: Uh... through the mountains, the Dead Marshes and actually into Mordor?
Sam didn?t speak aloud, recognizing the set expression on his master?s face. He contented himself with a sour look.
Legolas: He ate a lemon.
?As far as supplies go,? Mary Sue continued, ?I don?t have any food,
Legolas: (Mary Sue) So I'll mooch off you.
but I have a couple containers of water. It will work out better if we all chip in. Oh, and I have some gum, too, if you want it.?
AW: (Mary Sue) It's been in my back pocket. I hope you don't mind.
It should have occurred to her that hobbits wouldn?t know what gum is, but it didn?t.
Legolas: She's a dull girl.
AW: She certainly didn't get into these situations for her brain now, did she?
She pulled out her tequila bottle, still mostly full of water. She took a sip to show it wasn?t poisoned, throwing a glance at Sam as she did.
AW: Then she fell down dead.
She handed the bottle to Frodo. ?Drink up. You look like you need it,? she said.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) But don't drink it all though.
Frodo drank and handed the bottle to Sam. He sniffed, shrugged, and sipped. The water was foul, obviously from Mordor, but not poison. He handed back to Mary Sue with a sheepish smile.
AW: Give it back to the sheep!
?Well,? she said, replacing the bottle in her thigh pocket. ?Shall we get this show on the road, then?
AW: (singing) Well, we ain't got a barrel of... money.
I?d like to get this over and done with ASAP.
AW: (continuing) Maybe we're ragged and... funny.
I have a parent-teacher conference tomorrow.
AW: But we're travelling along, singing a song, side by side.
If I don?t show up, my kid and my ex will both have kittens!?
Legolas: (Sam) Kittens are cute!
She began walking off toward Mt. Doom.
AW: (whistling 'Side by side')
Frodo and Sam exchanged confused looks. ?She talks very strangely, Mr. Frodo,? Sam commented.
Legolas: (Sam) Are you surely sure about this?
?That she does,? Frodo replied. ?Still, she is right, we must move on. We have a long way to go yet.?
AW: (Frodo) And I still have six pictures left on my camera film!
Frodo sounded hopeless and defeated, but determined to complete his task. Sam looked at him with devoted smile. The two hobbits ran to catch up to Mary Sue, and the three of them continued on to Mt. Doom.
AW: (quietly) ...side by side....
*Well, the hobbits FINALLY graced us with their appearance.
AW: And there was much rejoicing....
I hope I didn?t screw up their characterization too badly.
Disclaimer ?NO! I AM NOT writing another disclaimer.
Legolas: (snickers) Could have fooled us.
Anyone who thinks I believe I own any of Tolkien?s work should be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly thru his heart??..oh, wait, that?s Scrooge??..
still, the sentiment stands!! I don?t wanna and you can?t make me!
AW: (author) Now, let's play Barbie!
So there! Nyah!
AW: (godfrather voice) And then his enemy cut out his tongue...
Chapter Six: How to Avoid Screwing Up the Canon
Legolas: Don't write.
As Mary Sue led the hobbits towards Mt. Doom, some very large, very ugly doubts began to grow in her mind.
AW: (Mary Sue) Am I wearing
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Should I be allowed to live. I mean, honestly?
For one thing, it struck her as vaguely obscene to be leading the hobbits, instead of following them. After all, they were the canon characters.
Legolas: They were wearing the special helmets at any rate.
She was just a trumped-up underemployed single mom with fangirl tendencies.
AW: (Mary Sue) Ooo! There's a new picture of Orli that I just have to download! (AW shudders)
Just because she indulged the fantasies in the privacy of her imagination didn?t mean she wanted to LIVE them.
Legolas: (bitterly) No, just about every other pre-teen girl did.
Hell, she didn?t even write her own fanfic, just read and sneered at everyone else?s.
Legolas: Like me!
She thought the slash very interesting, when it wasn?t stomach-turning,
AW: (hurriedly) Oh look! The next sentence!
the angst a good way to vent frustration in a ?misery loves company? sort of way, the parodies mildly amusing as a rule,
AW: I liked this one where
Mary Sue fell out of the sky into Middle Earth and...
Legolas: (sadly) Fell in love with me?
AW: (shaking his head) No. She was killed on impact when she hit the ground!
Legolas: ... (encouraged) Can you give me that to read?
and some of the ?fill-in-the-gaps? work was actually good.
AW: (author) Frodo brushed his teeth and then he and Sam went out to get killed by Wraiths.
But she loathed the self-insertion fic with a mindless fury, and the teenybopper crap she shared her name with was even worse.
Legolas: If she wasn't so free with her... language... I might even invite her to join us.
Most of that was positively unreadable, nevermind something she wanted to be stuck in.
AW: (author) And then she said "i love you. will you merry me?" And then he said" sure! why the heck not!" And then she said "neat!"
Yet here she was, hip-deep in a nauseating combo of the worst fanfic had to offer. If this kept up, she?d be in danger of outshining the hobbits.
Legolas: She knew she shouldn't have put on that sequin shirt for the drug party...
Once that happened, Mary Sue was convinced her soul would be sucked into Crap Fanfic Land and lost forever.
AW: Can we have that in writing? Oh wait... we do...
Still, she didn?t seem to have a whole helluva lot of choice in the matter. She looked over her shoulder at the hobbits trailing behind her. Sam was so sturdy and resolute, Frodo nearly bent in half by the weight of the Ring.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, slyly) Want a back rub?
She wondered how the hell they?d ever make it all the way to Doom without her.
AW: Easy: read the book to find out... or wait a year more for the movie if you're that lazy.
The sheer arrogance of that thought brought her up short. ?Good God!? she muttered to a nearby rock (the rocks of Gorgoroth were rapidly becoming her best friends and confidantes)
Legolas: (rock, high pitched
voice, bitterly) You forgot my birthday!
AW: (rock, high pitched voice) You don't have a birthday! You're a rock!
Legolas: (rock, high pitched voice, bitterly) Shut up!
?I really AM turning into a Mary Sue! Shoot me now!?
AW: (warden) Do you have a final request?
?Pardon?? Sam asked. Mary Sue looked at him, startled.
Legolas: (Sam) Do my pointy little ears deceive me?!
In her musings, she had forgotten the hobbits might hear her.
AW: You know... with them having ears and all.
Frodo was too deep in his personal struggle with the Ring to listen to her, but Sam?s sharp ears caught
she said. Dammit, this was going to be harder than she thought.
AW: Then think in your head you stupid girl!
?Nothing,? she replied. Sam looked doubtful, but didn?t pursue it.
Legolas: (Sam, thinking) She's crazy, Sam. Keep an eye on her...
?I think we should stop and rest for a bit,? Mary Sue said, changing the subject. ?Frodo looks like hell,
AW: Yeah. Frodo is just all fire and brimstone.
you don?t look any better
Legolas: (Sam, insulted) Gee, thank you so very much.
and I need something more substantial than Mordor water in my stomach before I pass out.?
AW: (Mary Sue) Oop! Too late. >thud<
Sam was still suspicious of Mary Sue, but he did agree that Frodo, at least, needed a rest. There was no way he was going to admit his own weakness to this stranger.
Legolas: (Sam) I'm ticklish...
Frodo simply stopped when the others did, flopping down onto the ground without comment. He seemed to sag into himself,
AW: Augh! Frodo's emploding!
sitting there hunched up with his head on his knees. Mary Sue?s heart went out to him.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) I'll need that back later, though.
He was even more pathetic that Tolkien had described.
AW: How is that possible? He is Tolkien's!
Sam was busy breaking out the lembas. There was precious little left, and dividing it among three rather than two would not stretch it any.
Legolas: 'Cause elves do
not put rubber in their food. It tastes horrid.
AW: (glaring) That was bad...
Particularly when the third was a Big Person.
Legolas: What was that before
about getting to Mt. Doom without her?
AW: Right... they'd have more food with her not there.
Still, his master had said share,
AW: He learned that on Sesame Street.
and share he would. That didn?t mean he had to like it, though.
He broke one of their few remaining wafers in half, put half back and broke the other in thirds, one bigger than the other. He gave the bigger piece to Frodo, a smaller to Mary Sue,
Legolas: Knowing Sam, it was probably the smallest piece.
and put the last piece away. He could do without for a bit longer.
While Sam was seeing to the food, Mary Sue got out the
Her Jose Cuervo bottle was a bit more than half full, and she still had the full flask, but she was as worried about water as Sam was about food.
Legolas: So she took out
the bottle and emptied half, put half back, and broke the rest in thirds.
She gave the biggest portion to Frodo...
She knew damn well there was no water on Gorgoroth, or Mt. Doom either. She didn?t trust the plot hole
AW: That worked more like a sieve.
or Deus Ex Machina or stroke of luck that brought her the first tiny puddle to repeat itself.
AW: She wasn't in a Hanna Barbara cartoon after all.
So she took the tiniest possible sip, barely wetting her mouth, then passed the bottle on to Sam. ?Go easy with it,? she whispered as she took her portion of lembas.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Eww... mine has pocket lint on it.
Sam shot her a look that plainly conveyed his thoughts??How stupid do you think I am???
AW: (Mary Sue) We-llll......
but once again held his tongue.
AW: (holding his tongue)
An den he tak-ed funndy.
Legolas: Please stop that.
Though there was still no love lost between Sam and Mary Sue, they had an unspoken agreement to keep open hostilities to a minimum, for Frodo?s sake.
AW: So, they had a staring contest.
Eventually, Mary Sue settled down to chow on her miniscule morsel.
Legolas: She ate it in one bite.
She glanced at Frodo, who now nibbled forlornly at his food. She then did something that began to lessen Sam?s dislike of her. She got up, touched Frodo gently and softly said his name.
AW: (Mary Sue) ... Are you going to eat that?
Once she had his attention,
Legolas: She locked their
lips in a passionate kiss.
AW: Fun isn't it - when it's not you?
Legolas: Yes, it really is.
AW: (smugly) See why I do it?
(Legolas side glances, but says nothing.)
she handed him her tiny piece of lembas. ?You need this more than I do. You?re the hero of this story, not me. I?m just along for the ride.?
AW: (Mary Sue) You do give piggy-back rides, right?
?I don?t feel much like a hero,? Frodo muttered, his first words in hours.
AW: (Frodo) More like a hobbit.
?You are. Trust me on this one. I know more about it than you do,
Legolas: (Mary Sue) 'Cause I am you, silly!
and you?re the hero,? she reassured.
AW: (Mary Sue) Well, as soon as you get some tights and a cape, anyway.
Something about this hobbit brought out the maternal in Mary Sue.
Legolas: Because it certainly didn't come out with her own child apparently.
She suspected it was the dark hair and big blue eyes that made him look so much like her son.
AW: (Mary Sue) I know you're like, fifty three and all, but can I adopt you?
A pang of homesickness crossed her heart as she thought of her Little Monster.
Legolas: Her little "big and exciting"?
She had to think of something else before she started crying in front of the hobbits.
AW: So she thought of cheese.
There was NO WAY that was going to happen. Not in this life!
Legolas: But most definately in the next.
The first thing to come to mind was
her earlier doubt.
AW: That'll work too.
Something had to be done about that, before she screwed up the plot continuum
AW: And the space continuum and just time itself.
by more than her mere presence. Hell, that alone could be bad enough, if word got around!
Legolas: Then she'd be swamped
AW: (random fangirl) What was it like? Was Frodo as cute as I wrote about?!
?Actually, that reminds me of something I wanted to discuss with you both,? Mary Sue began. ?When you two get back from all this?.?
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Can I hitch a ride with you?
?IF we get back,? Frodo interrupted gloomily.
AW: (Mary Sue) If you would just shut up!
?WHEN you get back,? she continued, shooting him one of her Looks.
Legolas: Killing Frodo instantly.
Honestly, Frodo?s tortured pessimism was heartbreaking and dramatic on the page, hell, it was heartbreaking and dramatic in person, but it got damned annoying, damned fast.
AW: So she throttled him for a while.
?It?s very important that you don?t mention me.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) I like to work undercover.
Not to your friends, not to Gandalf, not to your kids 20 years from now, not to anybody, ever. I was never here.
AW: (Mary Sue) If anyone asks, I was just ...uh... pet rock... yes, that'll do.
Anything I do, someone else gets credit for. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is!? she said.
AW: (Mary Sue) I don't want the tabloids to get ahold of this.
?Why?? Sam wanted to know.
Leglas: Hence the question mark.
Mary Sue?s giving Frodo her food may have softened his antipathy toward her a little, but that didn?t mean he was ready to give her the keys to the cupboard, so to speak.
AW: The wine cupboard? Yeah, she'd drink it all and then pass out.
?Because,? Mary Sue started.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) I'm terrific and exceedingly humble.
Then she paused. If there was one thing years as a Dr. Who and Star Trek fan had taught her, it was Never Give Out Too Much Information.
AW: That always leads to a messy and usually deadly end.
Tolkien wasn?t her only fangirl fixation, just the current favorite.
AW: She just has her foot in every fandom imaginable. She's everywhere!!!
The hobbits looked up at her expectantly. She honestly had no clue what to say.
Legolas: (Mary Sue, slowly) Because... I work for... um... this guy named... uh... Sauron. No! That's not what I meant!
She couldn?t tell them the truth,
AW: And she was a terrible liar.
so she fell back on that age-old Mom Standard. ?Because I said so!?
Legolas: (sarcastically) Oh, good come back.
Neither hobbit looked happy with that.
AW: Neither are we.
Sam certainly wasn?t buying it. Even Frodo, normally so wrapped up in his own misery, looked rebellious. More was needed.
Legolas: So she tried to bribe them with the chapstick.
?Look,? Mary Sue said, relenting a little. ?It?s too complicated to explain right now.
AW: (Mary Sue) Truth is, I'm not suppose to be here.
Let?s just say that I know more about this shit than you do,
Legolas: (Mary Sue) I know
AW: (Mary Sue) I have a palantir!
and trust me, I?m not mentioned anywhere by anyone. So when you tell your story, leave Mary Sue out of it!? She glared down at the hobbits until they both nodded.
AW: (Sam, aside to Frodo)
First chance we get, we bolt.
Legolas: (Frodo, aside to Sam) Agreed, my friend.
?If that?s the way you truly want it,? Sam said slowly. He wasn?t sure if her refusal to take any credit was noble or suspicious.
Legolas: Or selfish. We're not looking at it from all angles here.
He decided to reserve judgment until he saw how things played out.
AW: And she ends up stealing
the ring right at the end.
Legolas: Heh. Of course.
?That?s the way I want it,? she replied firmly.
AW: (Mary Sue) I also want a toilet next time, but that's beside the point.
Since the matter seemed settled, she stood and dusted herself off. ?What say we get our asses in gear?
AW: First or second?
Legolas: Or reverse?
We still have a ways to go,? she said, looking off toward Mt. Doom.
They had made good progress that day. The mountain was much larger now.
Legolas: Because they were
walking towards it.
AW: (amazed) Wow.
Fumes from it stung their eyes and lungs.
AW: (Mary Sue) *cough* Who needs cigarettes? I've got Mt. Doom to give me cancer!
The gloom was omnipresent, and the stink worse than ever. Little tremors ran under their feet, annoying Mary Sue and hurting the hobbits. Nobody was looking forward to going any farther, but they must before night fell and they had to sleep a little.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Let's just jump over this giant gorge. You first Sam.
Wearily the hobbits got up. Frodo was stiff and slow, not even straightening all the way.
AW: Give the hobbit a piggy back, you lazy Sue!
Sam was in better shape, but still hurting. Mary Sue just felt like shit on a stick, and looked the part as well.
She passed around the water one more time.
AW: (singing) She takes it out, pass it around...
Then she took a stick of gum for herself, and forced one on each of the hobbits. ?Chew it,
Legolas: (Mary Sue) I said CHEW IT! Chew iiiiiiit!
it?ll keep your mouth moist for a while,? she instructed.
AW: (Mary Sue) And if you swallow it, they say it'll stay in your stomach for seven years!
Damn, these little bastards really DID bring out the maternal in her!
Legolas: Darn their little hobbit hides!
Sam looked dubious, but put the gum in his mouth anyway. As he chewed,
AW: (Mary Sue) It's called
Legolas: (Sam) It burns! You evil servant of Sauron!!!
he smiled in surprise. ?It?s sweet!? he exclaimed.
Mary Sue grinned back. ?See, Sam? I?m not so bad after all,? she joked. Sam didn?t reply.
AW: (Sam, thinking) Jerk.
Frodo mechanically put the gum in his mouth and chewed. He didn?t say anything but Mary Sue thought he looked just a tiny bit less hopeless. It was probably her imagination.
?Be sure and keep chewing that until it loses its flavor, then spit it out,? she said.
AW: Good. Tell them to liter Middle-earth. Mordor - the land of darkness, ash and spit out gum.
Sam looked up with a guilty start. Mary Sue laughed, knowing he?d swallowed it.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) Stupid hobbit.
She gave him another piece. ?Don?t worry, it won?t hurt you to swallow it, that?s just not the way it?s done. Though on second thought,
AW: (Mary Sue) It actually might kill you. Sorry, Sam ol' chap.
a lump of gum in your stomach may fool it into thinking there?s food in there, so go ahead and swallow once the flavor?s gone.
Legolas: (Mary Sue) But, seven years... remember that.
But chew until then!? God, teaching hobbits how the wrong way to chew gum! How much more absurd could this get?
AW: Just try. I want to see how bad this fic can get.
?You ready?? she asked. Sam nodded. Frodo looked distantly at the mountain,
Legolas: (Frodo) No, not really. You guys go on ahead.
fiddling with the Ring. Mary Sue sighed.
AW: (Mary Sue, snatching the ring) How many times do I have to tell you, stop fiddling with that?!
She really wished Frodo would snap out of it and smile just little, but she wasn?t in that part of the story.
Legolas: That's what you get for arriving late.
Since there was no helping it, she bowed to the inevitable and started off. Sam trailed her and Frodo trailed Sam.
AW: (singing) Hi ho... hi ho... it's off to our doom we go... *whistles*
Mary Sue wasn?t any happier about leading now than she was before,
Legolas: She wanted to see those cute little hobbit behinds.
but there was nothing she could do about it. She only hoped that at the end of all this, the canon wasn?t TOO screwed up.
AW: Oh, don't worry. It's already screwed up beyond repair.
Disclaimer: <a blank look followed by eyes narrowed in suspicion> What, you mean I?m NOT getting paid for this?
Legolas: And you think we are?!
Damn that Mouth of Sauron,
AW: And his teeth too.
he told me all rights would be granted to me if I?
AW: (author) ... You know....
??no, you don?t need to know that.
Legolas: Yes, ignorance is
AW: And I'm enjoying being blissful.
Let?s just say he lied, and I still don?t own anything.
AW: (author) That nincompoop!
(to be concluded)