Disclaimer—Due to technical difficulties within the author’s imagination, there will be no witty disclaimer in this installment. This is a recording.

AW: (author) Please a message after the frustrated scream. *AURGH!*

Chapter Eight: A Bad Attitude and Some Unlikely Truth, but No Hobbit Slash

Legolas: What is this slash that keeps being mentioned?
AW: (quickly) More popcorn?
Legolas: ...

Mary Sue didn’t even bother dipping into her impressive-yet-useless multi-lingual repertoire of swears.

AW: She just hated double dippers.

She simply hauled her sorry self into a sitting position and sighed. All this Middle-Earth crap was getting her down.

Legolas: (singing) She's got the bluuuuuuuues.....

Her pants were soaked and torn, chilling her to the bone, and she was pretty certain the soaking was more than just water from the ruined flask and tequila bottle.

AW: So, I was right! HA!

How humiliating.

Legolas: How satisfying.

She was also bruised in places she didn’t know could be bruised,

AW: Her spleen?

and her skin was as torn as her pants.

Legolas: Hopefully it is further down the leg for her sake.

Furthermore, she dearly wanted to know why she couldn’t put her weight on her leg, even though the dislocated hip had been popped back in.

AW: It's conspiring against you!

To add insult to injury, she had a couple of hobbits staring up at her like the current disaster was her fault.

Legolas: Well,... yeah!

Either that or they expected her to have some answers, which would be worse. It was hard to tell with hobbits sometimes.

Legolas: Agreed - you never know whether they want your help, or are out for your blood....
AW: Funny thing that.

In any case, Mary Sue was as clueless as clueless got.

AW: Where's Alicia Silverstone when you need her?

She was tired, wet, hurt and pissed off to boot,

Legolas: And loud and annoying...
AW: Yes, haven't we been through this already?

and having those sickeningly cute hobbit faces staring at her was NOT helping her mood any.

AW: They're like lost puppies. You have to kick them.
Legolas: Careful AW, we should be cautious; we do not want to anger the fans.
AW: Of what? Puppies or Hobbits?
Legolas: Perhaps both.

Stupid hobbits.

AW: (Mary Sue) Always begging for table scraps...

Why couldn’t she have hooked up with Aragorn or Legolas,

Legolas: I could be wrong, but could this be the first mention of my name?
AW: Perhaps. Chapter 8 - I think it might be a record!

like the girls in fanfic were supposed to?? Dammit all to hell anyway!

AW: In a handbasket?

“What are YOU lookin’ at?” she snarled at the hobbits.

Legolas: (Sam) Not much, apparently.

She knew she shouldn’t be taking her stress out on them, she just couldn’t help herself.

AW: That's what shrinks are for.

After all, they WERE the canon characters. If Tolkien had never written about them, she wouldn’t be in this predicament!

AW: Oh suuuuuuure. Blame Tolkien for stupid fangirls? I think not!

Frodo acted like he didn’t hear her. In actuality, he was wondering if he’d made a mistake inviting this strange woman on their quest.

Legolas: That you did, my friend.

At the time, his heart had told him it was the right thing to do, but now he was not so sure.

AW: Now it was telling him that he would have been better off with Gollum.

She was abrasive, combative and short tempered.

Legolas: That and she just lost all your water.

She hinted at knowledge of the Ring, but would not say what she truly knew or how she knew it. When she DID speak, Frodo did not understand at least a third of her words.

Legolas: Neither do I.

Her tone, and what he did understand, indicated a foul mouth to match her foul temper.

AW: Frodo would be a good interperter.

No hobbit lass would talk so, nor lady elf, either. While he didn’t know many Big People women, he suspected they also were not like this.

AW: (makes a face) Weeeeeeeeeeell,...

In any case, there was nothing to be done about it tonight. Perhaps in the morning a solution would present itself.

Legolas: That and morning breath.

Frodo didn’t actually believe that, but it gave him something to focus on besides the Ring. He settled down to try and sleep.

AW: Then he thought of the Ring.

Sam, who had been convinced from the beginning that Mary Sue was trouble, merely gave her a withering stare.

AW: She was then transformed into a raisin.

He had so much he wanted to say, he didn’t know where to start. So he said nothing, but his expression spoke volumes.

Legolas: And somewhere, a mime was going mad.

Mary Sue dropped her gaze,

AW: (Mary Sue) I'll just leave that there for now, I guess.

embarrassed and disgusted with herself. “Listen, guys, I…” she began. Then she stopped. What the hell could she tell them, really?

Legolas: Something along the lines of "Forgive me; I have been a hinderance to your journey as well as a liability and have been eatting your food and have been insulting and nothing but trouble." would be an excellent start!

That she was pissed off because she didn’t belong here or want to be here?

AW: Yeah.

That she liked her fanfiction much better onscreen than in person?

AW: Yeah.

That she came from the future and wanted only to go back?

AW: Yeah.

That she knew about them because the story of their quest was a best-selling book and blockbuster movie?

AW: Yea- Do I have to repeat myself this many times?
Legolas: "Yeah."

Like they’d believe that! Hobbits wouldn’t even know what a movie was!

Legolas: Or any of the other references, for that matter.

Frodo and Sam looked at her, waiting for her to finish her sentence. Mary Sue looked away, toward Mt. Doom, and muttered “Nevermind.”

“No!” Sam surprised himself by saying.

AW: (Sam) I refuse to believe that yellow snow is bad for you!

“I’ll not ‘nevermind’! There’s something very odd about you and I mean to find out what it is!” He crossed his arms and glared sternly up at Mary Sue.

AW: Now, they're going to play good cop/bad cop.

She had to suppress a giggle. A stern hobbit is a sight to behold, and a stern Samwise Gamgee doubly so.

Legolas: No argument there.

In the face of that Look, the “Never Give Out Too Much Information” theory seemed pointless and inconsiderate. Not to mention counterproductive.

AW: Just like turning into on-coming traffic!

Mary Sue was getting the distinct impression that if she didn’t cough up some answers soon, she’d wake to find the hobbits long gone.

Legolas: (Mary Sue, reading) Gone fishin'. Be back never.

Since Mordor alone was a lot worse than Mordor with hobbits, she had to tell them something.

AW: (Mary Sue) Well, to be honest, I've always thought of myself a man stuck in a woman's body...

As she couldn’t think of anything else, it’d have to be the truth. Sigh.

“You’re sure you want to know?” she asked. Frodo and Sam nodded.

AW: (Mary Sue) You really, really sure?

“You’re not going to believe me,” she warned.

AW: (Mary Sue) You really, really, reeeeeally sure?

“You won’t know that until you tell us,” Frodo commented.

“Good point,” Mary Sue conceded. She took a deep breath. “I’m not sure where to start…”

“At the beginning?” Frodo interrupted impishly.

AW: (singing) A very good place to staaaaart!

Mary Sue mock-glared at him. “Watch it, Baggins, you almost smiled there. And that’ll just ruin your image.”

AW: (Mary Sue) You're suppose to be all angsty and stuff now!

“My image?” Frodo looked confused.

“Nevermind,” she replied. Sam glared at her.

Legolas: She then shriveled up into oblivion.

She held up her hands defensively. “All right, all right, I’m telling, I’m telling! Don’t kill me!”

Legolas: (pleadingly) Oh could you?
AW: Yeah Frodo, you still have Sting, don't you?

Sam didn’t even grace that with a reply.

Legolas: But he was thinking it.

They just looked at her with those expectant hobbit expressions of theirs. Mary Sue sighed. The little bastards really were just too damn cute!

Legolas: How much you want to wager that it's a ploy to take over Middle Earth.
AW: Yeah, kinda like Canada laying low for hundreds of years and then going out and attacking a country... like Turkey.

She took out her pack of gum and offered it around as she organized her thoughts. It took some time,

Legolas: (author) Several days later...

as neither thinking nor organization were among Mary Sue’s favorite things.

AW: Yeah, nothing like rain drops on roses or anything.

She tended to avoid both by judicious application of drugs both legal and otherwise. Here and now, that wasn’t an option. Finally she spoke.

AW: And turns out it was complete gibberish so she just shut her mouth again.

“It’s a little hard to explain where I come from. It’s either very, very, very far in the future or another world entirely. Doesn’t really matter which, because either way I’m not from Middle-Earth. And don’t ask me how I got here because I honestly don’t know. I really did just pass out drunk at a party and wake up here. Everything I told you is true, I just didn’t tell you everything,” she started.

Legolas: Oh dear... she's just started?

“So tell us everything now,” Sam interrupted.

AW: (Sam, stamping) Now! Now! Now! Now!...

Mary Sue gave Sam her best Death Glare. “I’m trying to! IF I may continue??”

AW: (Sam) Stop talking while I'm interupting!

Sam nodded meekly.

Legolas: (Sam, quietly) You're not my friend no more.

“In my world, there was an author named J.R.R. Tolkien.

(AW cheers.)

He wrote a book called The Hobbit, which is about your uncle Bilbo’s adventure with those dwarves and the dragon Smaug.

AW: "Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks..."

He very briefly touched on Gollum and the finding of the Ring. Now, this book was a huge hit…”

AW: (triuphantly holds up his copy) w00t!

“Hit?” Frodo interrupted. Mary Sue turned the Death Glare on him.

Legolas: (Frodo) *smack* Hit! Like that, you mean?

“ A hit is something that’s excessively popular.

Legolas: (Frodo) That is a violent society you come from....!

And if I’m going to have to explain every word I use that you don’t get, we’ll be here until Christmas!

AW: (Sam) Christ-what?

Just figure shit out from context and let me finish the goddamned story, willya??”

AW: (Sam) No!
Legolas: (Frodo) We like to annoy you!

Simply because Mary Sue decided to tell the truth didn’t mean her attitude was improved any.

AW: Boot to the head!

The hobbits nodded again, and she went on. “The popularity of The Hobbit lead to the writing of a sequel.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) The Hobbit Returns.

The Lord of the Rings,

AW: Oh yeah... that one.

which went on to become one of the most beloved books of the century.

AW: Second only to the Bible.

I myself have read it upwards of a dozen times. The Lord of the Rings tells all about the One Ring and the quest to destroy it. You’re both mentioned directly by name. So’s the rest of the Fellowship and everyone else remotely connected to the story.

Legolas: (throws up his hands) HUGGBEES!
(AW laughs.)

Everything that has happened to the whole bunch of you is in that book, descriptions, actions, feelings, choices, consequences, the works.

Legolas: Including Sam feeling naked in Lorien.

Eventually, the book was made into a movie

Legolas: (Frodo) What's a mo-

(Do NOT ask what a movie is, dammit!),

Legolas: (Frodo) Geez! Excuuuuuse me!

and that spawned a host of what’s called fanfiction.

AW: I weep for the fandom.

That’s when people who like the book and/or movie write stories about the characters, meaning you. Now, one of the main themes in fanfiction is a truly vile thing called self-insertion.

(Legolas shudders.)

It’s when someone from my world winds up mysteriously in yours, which is what we have here. So you see, I know all about you because I’ve read the book and seen the movie. Repeatedly.”

AW: (Frodo, pointing) Stalker!!

Sam looked stunned at the idea that his thought of being part of a beloved story actually turned out to be true. Frodo was becoming uncharacteristically excited.

Legolas: For his head exploded into many excited little pieces.

“So you know what has happened to the others? You know how to quest will end?” he asked.


AW: (Mary Sue) ...Crap....

Mary Sue could see where this was going. Dammit, she KNEW she should have kept her big mouth shut!

Legolas: (to AW) My friend, I am certian that I am hearing giggling from outside the theatre!
AW: I'm sure it's just Drew. Maybe she's watching... er... Ice Age or something.
Legolas: (unsure) Very well, if you think so.

She nodded very slowly. “Yeah, I do,” she admitted at last.

AW: (Mary Sue) You're doomed, Hobbit!

Well, what the hell else could she do, really?

AW: (Mary Sue) You're all going to die and Sauron is going to win!

Frodo opened his mouth to ask the Dread Question, but Mary Sue interrupted him. “Don’t even ask me to tell you, hobbit, because I can’t.”

Legolas: (Mary Sue) It's in my contract.

Frodo’s expression fell so dramatically,

AW: That he received an Oscar nomination the following month.

she nearly spilled the beans then and there. She was SUCH a sucker for big blue eyes, especially on a cute, tortured hobbit who looked a lot like her son. Fortunately for the canon, her seldom-used better judgment was getting a workout lately,

Legolas: (judgment) I want over-time!

and prevented her from blabbing. She kept quiet.

Sam, however, didn’t.

AW: He started to blab about his family tree and all of the Gaffer's favourite sayings... which was all of them.

In the face of this knew knowledge, and his master’s obvious disappointment, he simply had to speak up. “Can’t tell us? Or won’t?” he challenged.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) Shut up.

“Both,” Mary Sue said firmly. “Can’t in good conscience screw up the story by telling you

AW: (Mary Sue) 'Cause I've screwed up the story too much already.

and won’t for the same reason. You two don’t know what’s going on for a reason and you’re going to stay that way!!

Legolas: (Mary Sue) So there!

I am NOT willing to take away your choices and free will just because I’ve read the stinking book!”

Legolas: (Frodo, pleading) Pleeeeease?!

“Not even if it will give Mr. Frodo hope?” Sam asked quietly, looking in concern at his master.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) No!

Ouch. That hurt. Lots. Mary Sue dealt with it they way she dealt with all emotional pain.

AW: (singing) Go go go Frodo, you know what they say...

She got pissy. “Listen, Gamgee, it’s bad enough I’m here in the first place, fucking up the story with my mere presence!

AW: (singing) Hang in there Samwise, you'll make it someday...

Why do you think I want you two to keep your mouths shut about that when you get back? Don’t you think I’d LIKE to be a heroine, instead of who and what I really am??

AW: (singing) Don't give up Frodo, fight til you drop...

Did it ever occur to you that this is the most excitement I’ve ever had in my life?? That meeting you two is very literally a dream come true??

AW: (singing) We've read the book and you come out on top....!
Legolas: Wow, did you just make that up?
AW: Uh... (looks around) ...yeah...

I’d LOVE to save the day with my magical knowledge,

AW: (Mary Sue) For I live in a gum-drop house on Lollipop Lane!

but I won’t because I REFUSE to fuck up the story any more than I absolutely have to!”

Legolas: Too late...

Frodo nodded dejectedly, and went back to his Ring-induced depression. Sam looked argumentative, but Mary Sue was having none of that.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) Do as I say, or I'll tell Mommy!

She was in full-out Mom Lecture Mode, and she was on a roll.

AW: And couldn't get off.

“Don’t even try to out-stubborn me, Samwise Gamgee, because it won’t work.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) Anything you can do, I can do better.

I’ll help if I can (which I doubt since my being here seems completely pointless), but I am NOT telling you what happens! Period. You don’t like it? Tough! Deal with it!” she crossed her arms, leaned back against a rock and looked stubborn.

AW: Like it's a change from her looks previously.

Then she noticed the look on Frodo’s face and softened just a little. She truly was a sucker for that hobbit.

Legolas: Kiss him!

She made her way over to him, took his face in her hands and gently tilted it up so he had to look at her. Sam growled but stayed put.

Legolas: Kiss the Hobbit!

“I’m really sorry, Frodo, but you have to deal with this shit in your own way, based on your own knowledge.

AW: (Frodo, sarcastically) Which is diddly squat. Thanks a heap.

It’s just one of those things, you know, like you and only you having to be Ringbearer. Nobody can do this for you, not Sam, not Gandalf and certainly not me.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) But give Phoenix a call, I'm sure her ring could do wonders!

Sucks, I know, but that’s life.” Mary Sue felt a twinge of déjà vu. She had given a similar lecture to her kid, not all that long ago. Damned hobbits really did bring out the maternal in her.

AW: Too bad she was still an immature brat. She's hardly changed for the better at all!

Right now the maternal in her, as well as the rest of her, was utterly exhausted. She yawned. The night was already well advanced when were forced to stop,

Legolas: (night) Ah HA! I have you!

and the discussion hadn’t made it any younger. “Let’s get some sleep, huh, guys? We have a lot of walking to do tomorrow.” She didn’t want to think that she might not be ABLE to walk tomorrow. Time to pull a Scarlet O’Hara and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

AW: (Mary Sue) I shall never go hungry again! TERRAAAA!!!

Frodo sighed and lay down, shivering. Mary Sue, giant sucker that she was, lay down next to him and wrapped her arms around him, spoon-style.

AW: Oooo! Getting bold there, aren't we Sue?

Just for warmth, of course.

Legolas: (snort) Suuuuure...

The excuse to cuddle the most adorable hobbit in existence had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Or so she lied to herself.

AW: I knew it.

Sam cuddled up to Frodo on his other side. With Sam’s cloak spread over them both and Mary Sue’s big ugly-ass sweater stretched out over him, Frodo was nice and warm.

Legolas: Toasty warm.
AW: Mmmm... toast.

Mary Sue watched Sam snuggle closer to Frodo. A horrible thought occurred to her.

AW: Only certain people think of that first thing. It's called platonic love, people!

She just had to say something.

AW: (Mary Sue) SPOOOOOOOON.... (normally) ...which is oddly appropriate in this situation.

“I know this is cozy and all, but please, no hobbit slash!! My heart couldn’t stand it.”

Frodo and Sam exchanged puzzled glances. Frodo said it. “Slash?”

Legolas: Yes indeed, (looks at AW) Slash?

“Me and my big mouth,” she complained.

AW: Yes, you stupid Sue! Shut up. I can't believe you do not shut up!

Now she had no choice but to give the hobbits as quick an explanation of slash fiction as possible. NOT an easy task.

(Legolas looks at AW expectantly. AW chuckles uneasily and looks at the floor.)

Two pair of hobbit eyes grew wide with disbelief as she talked.

Legolas: (warningly) Al's Waiter...
AW: But... ingorance is bliss!
(Legolas looks at AW.)
AW: Okay fine, but don't say I didn't try to protect you....
(AW whipsers in Legolas' ear.)

“But that’s…….it’s……but I love Rosie Cotton!” Sam finally cried.

Legolas: ...
AW: Remember next time, "Ignorance is bliss" friend. Be blissful.

“I know, I know. I don’t make up the stuff, I just see it.

Legolas: ...!!

Be glad you’re not Aragorn and Legolas!” she replied.

Legolas: What? Me and Aragorn?!
AW: You and practically anyone you can think of, friend.

“ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS?!?!?!?!” Frodo exclaimed, astonished. “But Arwen…”

Legolas: (shocked) Forget Arwen; what about me?!

“I know, I know!! Just let it go, willya? Get some sleep,” she instructed.

Legolas: Who could sleep upon hearing such... news?!

“People from your world are odd indeed,” Frodo observed.

Legolas: I'd say more than "odd", friend!!!

“Short stuff, you have NO idea!” Mary Sue replied. Eventually, they all fell asleep.

AW: And had nightmares all night.
(Legolas looks like he's on the verge of tears.)
AW: (consoling) It's alright - you will get your revenge; I guarantee it.
Legolas: I do hope you are right.
AW: (stops and listens) ... I don't think that is Drew giggling...

(To be continued...)