Legolas: (stops) It sounds like... giggle, only something more... sinister.
AW: Kinda like Moria orcs?
Legolas: Yes... I have a bad feeling about this.

Disclaimer—this appalling piece of sludge was dredged from the deranged mind of the author.

Legolas: (author) I like putting myself down.

Tolkien bears no responsibility whatsoever,

AW: You know, him being dead and all...

beyond having inconsiderately gone and created a world I just can’t pry myself out of.

AW: (author) I've tried; the jaws of life splintered!

All the good stuff is the Master’s, all the crap is mine.

Legolas: (author) I need a better self-esteem.

A/N-- Special thanks to my Guest Stars.

AW: (author) Mr. T and Mark Hamel.

You know who you are, and I don’t want to spoil the surprise here.

Legolas: (author) So, it's waiting in the root cellar.

I’ve enjoyed writing this piece, repetitiveness and all (Thank you AEMI, for pointing out that flaw in my writing.

AW: Yeah, Mary Sue.
Legolas: (chuckles)

This work is a lost cause, but I’ve tried to improve on that in other stories). I won’t even beg for reviews this time, aren’t I nice? Now, onto the story….

AW: Meanwhile, on the ranch...

Chapter Nine: It’s Been Surreal

“Dammit, kid, stop kicking me!” Mary Sue snarled without opening her eyes.

AW: (Sam) Boot to the head!

For one brief, glorious moment, she thought she was home in bed with her son pestering her to get up and go watch cartoons with him. Then painful memory returned,

Legolas: And she killed herself to rid herself of pain. The end.

and Mary Sue growled. She was STILL in bloody-blasted, triple-damned

AW: ...double-dogged...

Mordor! The “kid” kicking her was in fact a hobbit, Frodo Baggins, now deep in the throes of a nightmare.

AW: (Frodo) But... Fatty, I don't.... love you in... that way.
Legolas: Stop that!

Just beyond him, out like the proverbial light, lay Sam Gamgee. Both hobbits bore a suspicious resemblance to Death Warmed Over.

AW: (singing) ...with the Addams Family. *snap snap*

Frodo moaned and stopped thrashing. He sank into something resembling peaceful sleep, rolling over and throwing his arm over Sam for comfort. Mary Sue swore softly.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) Fiddle sticks!

It was a shame to have to wake them, but there was no helping it.

Legolas: So, she got up and beat them with a stick.

Mt. Doom was not about to come to them. Like Mohammed, they had to go to the mountain.

AW: Or Moses. Or Abraham. Or Elijah... take your pick.

“Yeah, that’s right, Mary Sue. Go philosophical in Mordor, first thing in the morning. You’re losing your mind, you know that?” the woman told herself.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) And I can't even get a cup of coffee...
AW: (Mary Sue) It's about time there was a Starbucks here!

She cast a loathing-filled glance at the mountain before turning back to the hobbits.

She watched them sleep for a bit, unwilling to wake them no matter how necessary.

AW: Then she poked them insistently.

The poor things were completely wiped out, and they still had the worst part to go. It struck her as fundamentally unfair that such adorable little innocents should suffer so much bullshit. Come to think of it, thought, most good fiction was fundamentally unfair. Much like life itself.

Legolas: So as the modern saying goes, "Suck it up."

“Stupid Tolkien,” Mary Sue muttered to no one in particular.

AW: But wishing he was there to join in her misery.

She really didn’t want to disturb the hobbits.

Legolas: Yes, you keep saying that. Move on.

Her mind searched frantically for an excuse, any excuse, not to. It settled on her bad hip. Last night she couldn’t even stand on it.

AW: Previously on "Really Annoying People You Just Wish Would Go Away"...

Today it didn’t feel quite so bad. Perhaps some stretching would sort it out. Might unkink her back a bit, too. Sleeping on the ground was NOT all it’s cracked up to be,

Legolas: Not like it's a very promoted mode of sleeping in the first place.

especially for a woman who’s idea of hardship while traveling was Motel 6.

Mary Sue rolled to her stomach, away from the snoozing hobbits. She did a series of ground poses before pushing up to all fours. Her hip held.

AW: What? Has it transformed into a cup holder or something?

So far, so good.

She stretched her way up to a standing pose, all her weight on her good leg. She shifted back onto the damaged leg, slowly putting weight on it. Lo and behold, the damn thing held. “Finally, something goes right in this dismal pit!” she mumbled.

Legolas: Two steps later, she fell into another dismal pit.

She shifted out of yoga and into walking around a bit. The hip was stiff and sore. It made a lovely clicking sound as she moved.

AW: It reminded her of the sound of a slide projector.

She didn’t like that one little bit, but she thought she just might be able to hobble to Doom.

AW: Doom. Doom. Doooooooom!

Maybe. If she was luckier than normal. In any event, she didn’t have a whole helluva lot of choice, so being mobile was a definite plus.

Legolas: Until her limbs got lobbed off by Orcs, of course.

Injury attended to, another necessity of life demanded attention.

AW: She still needed to change her underwear.

That was no more fun now than it was before, and no more avoidable. Still, it provided another excuse to put off disturbing the hobbits.

Legolas: Oh just do it and get it over with. Goodness woman!

Besides, it could be worse. At least she was nowhere near that time of month. “Be thankful for small blessings, woman,” she told herself as she prepared to go back.

AW: So, she's not PMSing?
Legolas: I guess she's just naturally this... cheerful.
AW: I can see why she's divorced.

Sam was awake when she returned from her business. He was holding Frodo’s head in his lap, stroking his hair and staring off towards Mt. Doom. The expression on his face was one of determination and love, mixed with a healthy dose of fear.

Legolas: Sam is no fool; unlike some people on the story.

Mary Sue was surprised. Yes, she’d read all about Sam’s devotion to Frodo, but to actually see it in person was something else entirely. It took her breath away.

AW: Then she turned blue, fell over and died from the lack of oxygen. End.

She stood silently for some time, reluctant to intrude on this touching scene. Still, there truly was no alternative, so she approached them and softly called Sam’s name. When the hobbit looked up, she said, “It’s time to get moving. Please wake Frodo.”

Legolas: (Mary Sue) Here, use this stick.

For one second, Sam looked resentful. He opened his mouth to question Mary Sue’s right to give orders. He also wanted to know where she’d gotten off to.

AW: (Mary Sue) I have my own "Shelob" to converse with.

But the urgency of the errand and his own hobbit sense stopped him. It truly didn’t matter anymore who gave orders, nor where the human woman had gone. She was here now, and she had a valid point. It WAS time to recommence their journey.

Legolas: To Mt. Doom?
AW: To Mt. Doom!

Sam stroked Frodo’s face and gently called to him. When his master’s eyes fluttered open, Sam said, “We must move now, Mr. Frodo.”

AW: (Sam) My leg is falling asleep.

Frodo was slow in getting up. Even with Sam helping him, he moved like one in pain.

Legolas: By this time, Frodo felt like he was one big bruise.

Mary Sue wanted very much to carry him, but she was afraid her hip would give out, injuring them both.

AW: Sending them both tumbling into the cracks of Mt. Doom.

She settled for staying the hell out of Sam’s way.

Legolas: For he is a halfling! Fear him!

Eventually, they were on the move once more.

AW: Do the Hussle!

They made slow but steady progress, never stopping. All too soon, though, Mary Sue’s injured hip began to throb, then ache.

Legolas: Then exploded.

By the time noon came (or what she thought was noon, at any rate; it was hard to tell in Mordor), she was in agony. Each step brought a hiss and another swear. The hobbits were getting a full education in modern obscenity.

AW: Just the language Sam wants to teach little Elanor one day...

As the pain grew worse, Mary Sue started limping. Even at the snail’s pace they set for Frodo, she soon lagged behind.

Legolas: (Mary Sue, hissing) Yeth Mathter, right away Mathter!

She did not pay attention to the hobbits, being lost in a haze of pain, stress and grim determination not to show weakness to the brave little halflings. By the time her pride allowed her to call a halt, Frodo and Sam were too far ahead to hear her.

AW: (Mary Sue) Must... go... on! Must... go on! ... Ah, who am I kidding? Waiter.... check please! *thunk*

“Hell, they’re too far ahead to be seen, let alone hear me!” Mary Sue bitched as she watched the dots that were the hobbits fade away. She sank down to the ground and indulged in a good cry.

AW: (singing) On my own, pretending they're beside meeeee....

While Mary Sue was suffering for her hubris, two orcs watched from behind a conveniently-placed rock.

Legolas: (Orc 1) Gurgle gurgle....

The smaller turned to the taller and hissed, “She’s lagged behind. Let’s kill her already so we can get back to Headquarters.”

AW: Orcs R Us.

“You know we can’t,” the taller replied, rolling its eyes.

Legolas: (hotly) And why not?!

“She hasn’t wrecked the story yet. In fact, so far she’s actively trying NOT to screw it up.”

AW: No, I think the story is pretty screwed as it is... Sam and Frodo most likely have a serious complex by now.

The shorter one snorted. “Telling the hobbits not to talk about her! So what? Besides, isn’t the water some sort of crime?”

Legolas: I'd say so.

“A small one. Too small to bother with, really, since they lost it so soon,” the other said.

AW: Excuses, excuses... Bag the witch!

“What about telling them about the book? That’s got to be a killing offence.”

Legolas: Indeed!

“It would be if she’d told them how the story turned out, but she didn’t, so it’s not.”

Legolas: Details.

“So why are we here, then, if not to kill Mary Sue?” the first one demanded.

The second just shrugged. “Do I look like Upstairs to you?” it wanted to know.

Legolas: (Orc 1) I don't know. Turn your head to the side or something.

“All right, all right, you don’t know any more than I do. Fine. Can we just kill her and get out of here? Mordor stinks,” the bad-tempered one complained.

AW: (Orc 2) Here's a Glade Plug-in. Knock yourself out.

The better-natured one rolled its eyes. “How many times do I have to explain this to you? You know we can’t kill her until she messes up the canon.”

“So when does she do that?” the smaller one asked.

“I don’t know!!

Legolas: Just kill her anyway! Who would know?!

This fic isn’t actually finished yet. For all I know, she never does break canon, and we were just sent here to get you out of Makes-Things hair!” the taller exclaimed.

AW: (Whichever Orc) He hates braids!

“Oh, that’s just great! So what do we do now?” the blood-thirsty orc inquired.

“Beats the……wait a minute!” the other orc exclaimed, a dangerous light coming into its eyes. “I have an idea. Let’s recruit her.”

Legolas: (someone) She'd make a great orc!

“RECRUIT HER?! What are you, nuts? She’s a Mary Sue! She’s even NAMED Mary Sue! She wanted to be Ringbearer a couple chapters back, godsdammit!”

AW: (whoever) Buuurn her!

“So? She’s not very Sue-ish, for a Sue. I say let’s bring her back to Headquarters and let the SO deal with her.”

“Ringbearing isn’t Sue enough for you?”

Legolas: (whoever) And breaking their water, and teaching the Hobbits some new vocabulary... shall I go on?

“She didn’t actually bear the Ring, just lust after it. Which is understandable.”


The tall orc coughed something that sounded suspiciously like “Boromir”. It wasn’t above taking cheap shots at its partner.

The shorter orc took a swing at the taller, exclaiming “That’s not fair!”

Legolas: (someone) I want to be pierced with three arrows too!

The taller orc ducked, expecting that reaction. “It is too, and you know it.”

The shorter orc threw up its hands. “Fine! We can’t kill her, and now you want to recruit her. What do you propose? We waltz right up and say ‘Hi, we’re from the PPC

Legolas: (confused) PPC?
AW: Protectors of Plot Continuum. They protect Middle-Earth from Mary Sues ruining the quest and character's personae's.
Legolas: Hmmm... I think I am going to enjoy this...

and we want you?’”

AW: (singing) We want you! We want you! We want you as a new recruit! ... Dear Valar! Please stop me! I'm singing 'The Village People'!

“More or less, yeah.”

The smaller orc just groaned. It knew better than to argue.

AW: (whichever) There just is no pleasing you, is there?

“Fine, but you do it.”

“Works for me.”

The other orc suddenly realized something odd. “Hey, where did all the ‘said’, ‘replied’, ‘groaned’ and whatnot go?”

AW: Into the land of lost socks? How should we know?!

“Beats me. File it away under ‘Fanfic Paradox’.”

“That’s not a real category!” the shorter orc protested.

The tall one smirked. “Is now.”

AW: (Patrick Stewart) Make it so!

“Upstairs will have something to say about that when we get back, you know,” the first orc pointed out.

(AW looks at Legolas. The elf prince looks worried.)
AW: What is it?
Legolas: Most of the giggling has stopped, but it has been replaced with shouts and shrieks.
AW: (listens intently) ... and the occasional bangs...?

The second brushed that off. “Who cares? We’ll have a recruit, we’ll be forgiven.”

AW: ... I'm actually starting to get worried, to tell you the truth. What in the Net is going on out there?

“IF your plan actually works. She’s crying now, she’s pretty stressed, she might just snap. And Upstairs has enough of an insanity problem already without us bringing in pre-insane recruits,” the small orc said.

AW: (whichever) Well, it has been pretty boring at the office lately....

“It’ll work, trust me,” the tall one reassured.

“Famous last words,” the small one scoffed.

AW: (whoever) Yes, Captain Ahab!

“Hey, did you notice the statement taglines are back?” the cheerful orc commented.

Legolas: "Who cares?" the elf shouted.

“Stop trying to change the subject. This is YOUR bright idea, YOU go talk to the Sue. I’m staying here and playing solitaire,” the bad-tempered one announced.

AW: (singing) One is such a lonely number.....

The taller orc hauled the smaller one up onto its feet. “Oh no you don’t. You’re coming with me, to back me up. Let’s go talk to some Sue.”

Legolas: And then pump her full of orc arrows!

“Stop mauling the movie quotes,” the smaller orc protested as it followed the taller one to the no-longer-weeping woman.

AW: Sounds oddly like something similar to an Ent-wife.

(To be continued)
(You're starting to hate me, aren't you? Admit it!)