AW: (author) Sucks to be you! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Honest. If anyone can’t figure out by now who the mystery orcs are, I’ll have to smack you with something blunt!

Legolas: Like Lady Phoenix's wit.
(rimshot)

Disclaimer---yes, yes, I know I’m expected to put some witty, self- depreciating crack in here about Tolkien’s mastery and my not-so-humble idiocy, but honestly,

AW: (author) I'm a dull girl.

how many of these do you think my feeble brain can come up with, anyway??

Legolas: Do you really want us to answer that?

You all know who’s the Boss of this world, and it ain’t Springsteen!

AW: Ronald McDonald?

A/N--it’s been real, it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun. Actually, that’s not true.

AW: Like the title was last chapter "It's Been Surreal!"

This is the first fic I’ve put any effort into in a long, long time,

Legolas: (author) So, I'm just warming up.

and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it (ok, except maybe for the lack of reviews, which is slowly getting better, so I’ll cease whining now).

Legolas: (rubbing his temples) Please.

Mary Sue took a turn I wasn’t expecting, but it turned out…….er…….um……that is……….it turned out in the end! Yeah, that’s it.

AW: (author) That's the master plan!

Chapter Ten: Grief, Gizmos, and Gollum (Who’s Not As Dumb As He Looks)

Legolas: Noooo... but we could make an argument for someone else...
(AW chuckles.)

Mary Sue didn’t waste too much time indulging her over-emotionalism.

AW: (Mary Sue, sobbing) Why? Oh why did they leave me? Why? (stops) Okay... what's for lunch?

She knew it wouldn’t get her anywhere but headachy, nor win her brownie points with the Fanfiction Powers That Be.

Legolas: (Powers That Be) Now go to Mordor and stay there until you think about what you've done!

Though in all honesty, she was none too thrilled with Them, either.

AW: (Powers That Be) You're not too peachy either, dear.

In fact, she was entirely pissed at whatever unnatural force had ripped her from her nice, boring life and dropped her in Mordor, of all places.

AW: (Powers That Be) Love you. *makes a kissing noise*

Still, she wasn’t about to get home on her own, so angering divinity might not be a good idea.

Legolas: Good girl. Manwë is really hard to cheer up once you anger him....

Neither was sitting on the ground, stressing out. Mary Sue took a deep breath and stood up. Then she got the shock of her life.

AW: (triumphantly) She could stand!

Striding towards her from behind the omni-present rocks were a pair of orcs.

Legolas: She's in Mordor and she's shocked by orcs being there?
AW: Please, someone shoot her!

Though both were taller than she, one was noticeably shorter than the other. “Fuck me,”

AW: (winces) No thanks.

Mary Sue breathed. It was less an obscenity and more a twisted prayer.

AW: Well, that was the stupidest prayer that I've never heard.

The taller orc turned to the shorter and said “She’s got an even worse mouth than you do!”

Legolas: And that coming from orc, is saying something.

The shorter orc made an unhygienic suggestion to its partner, who laughed. “Oh, knock it off,” the shorter orc said. “If you’re going to talk to her, talk!”

AW: (Short Orc) But I'd prefer it if you killed her.
Legolas: I second that.

The larger orc smacked its forehead like it just remembered something. “Right, talk. Did I ever tell you monkeys have feet?” she began.

AW: (Orc, surprised) No...really?

“To the Sue, not to me!” the irritable orc exclaimed, turning the odd one to face Mary Sue.

“Oh, right,” it said again, its attention back where it belonged.

Legolas: In the gutter.

“We’re from the PPC, and we want you!” it continued dramatically, pointing its finger at Mary Sue like in the posters.

AW: (grabbing his head) No! Song! Get out of my HEAD!

Meanwhile, Mary Sue was doing her best impression of a deer caught in headlights. She stood there, bewildered and fearful, staring at the orcs.

Legolas: Then they clubbed her. The end.

She got the distinct impression she’d wandered out of Mordor and into a Warner Brother’s cartoon.

AW: (sings Loony Tune's theme) That's all folks!

She said the only thing she could think of. “The who in the what now?”

AW: What's that Lassie? Timmy fell in the well again?

“We’re from the PPC , and we want to recruit you,” the bigger orc said again, elaborating a little. Not enough, but a little.

AW: Song. Not. Leaving!

“Mary Sue division,” the smaller of the pair added like it meant something.

“Recruit me? What?”

Legolas: (Mary Sue) Come again?

Mary Sue was having a hard time following the conversation. She was beginning to think she’d finally snapped.

AW: Bring on the white coats!

She wished desperately for that long-gone shot-and-a-half of tequila.

AW: To kill yet even more brain cells!

“She’s lost it. Let’s kill her and go home,” the surly orc dismissed.

Legolas: Hurray!

“Kill me?” Mary Sue squeaked. “What the hell for?”

“For being a Mary Sue. Though you’re not as Sue-ish as some, you’re still killable” the surly orc said, knocking an arrow and raising its bow.

Legolas: (happily) Aaaand, release!

The taller orc made its partner lower the bow. “We’re not here to kill you,” it reassured. “We’re here to recruit you.”

AW: Leave Village People! Leave!

“I repeat: Recruit me? Huh? You’re orcs.” Mary Sue was fond of stating the obvious, especially when confused.

Legolas: (Orc) Sauron is getting desperate for help, what can we say?

The orcs exchanged a disgusted glance. “Disguises,” they said simultaneously. They both paused. “You explain,” the shorter, surly orc said, folding its arms and frowning.

Legolas: (Tall Orc) You're always grumpy when you don't get to kill.
AW: (Orc, bitterly) Shut up!

“Right,” the taller, insane one said, nodding. “We’re from the..”

AW: ...Lollipop guild.

“PPC, yes, you said that already. What the hell is the PPC?” Mary Sue interrupted. She’d been through this farce twice already. She had no intention of enduring it a third time.

AW: Yet third time's a charm!

“Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We’re part of the Mary Sue division. We’re overworked, underpaid and desperately in need of recruits. Which is where you come in,” the insane orc explained.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) The entrance?

Mary Sue just stared at it. “Protectors of the Plot Continuum? Mary Sue division? What the HELL are you on, anyway? And where can I get some?” she asked.

AW: (Shoter Orc) Helium, does wonders for crap like this!

The shorter of the two orcs could see this was going nowhere in a big hurry. It took over the discussion. “Protectors of the Plot Continuum roam through fanfiction, setting the errors straight.

AW: (Orc) And triumphing over evil. That means you!

We, the Mary Sue Division, are licensed to kill off that loathsome creature known as Mary Sue,” it explained with uncharacteristic patience.

Mary Sue pursed her lips doubtfully. “I say again, since you apparently missed it last time….you’re orcs.”

AW: Okay... this is getting boring. What else is on?
Legolas: This.
AW: Crap!

“Actually, we’re not. We’re normal humans,” the taller orc began. The shorter snorted, but let its partner continue. “We’re just in disguise, for the job. We’re Protectors of the canon, we can’t just go around screwing it up by appearing as ourselves.”

AW: Blah blah blah and I like cheese.

“So let me get this straight—you two are human, you’re part of some Men-In-Black-esque outfit that wanders through fanfiction, killing off teenaged supergirls and setting the story straight? Is that it?” Mary Sue asked. The orcs nodded.

Legolas: (Orcs) Basically.

“And now you want me to join this mess?” The orcs nodded again. “ARE YOU NUTS???” Mary Sue exploded.

“She is,” the shorter orc said, raising its bow again.

Legolas: (more insisant) Release!

Again its companion pushed the weapon down.

Legolas: Blast!

The taller orc looked at Mary Sue. “Well, we’re not nuts yet,” (“You are,” the surly one muttered unheeded) “but it’s always a danger. So, do you want to?” it asked.

(A loud crash is heard coming from outside the theatre. Both elves turn around and stare at the locked doors.)

“Do I want to?? Hell no!! All I want is to get the flying frig out of here and go home to my kid. I’ve already been gone all weekend, if I’m not home soon, he’ll worry,” Mary Sue replied.

AW: What in the Net...?!
(Legolas looks at AW strangely.)
AW: Sorry. Old fandom sayings die hard. What's going on out there?!

The taller orc pulled out some Star Trekian gadgetry and consulted it. “Actually, you’ve been here closer to four months, real time,” it commented.

(The sounds of small explosions erupt from the foyer and some muffled screems are heard.)

“WHAT?!?!?!?!?!” Mary Sue screeched.

AW: (looks quickly at the screen) Al? (looks back at the doors) Oh, never mind.

The surly orc covered its ears. “You want to ease up on the excessive punctuation?”

Legolas: (uneasily) Al's Waiter...
AW: I'll check.

Mary Sue steamrolled right over the orc’s complaint. “Whaddya mean, four months??? I’ve slept twice since coming here, that’s three days, tops.”

(AW causiously walks up to the doors and pushes; they're still locked. He bangs on the door.)
AW: Drew! What's going on? Drew!
(AW bangs on the door a few more times, but can not be heard on the other side above the other noises. He look back at Legolas, who has picked up his bow and quiver by this time.)
AW: Something is definately wrong, but we can't do anything. With these doors locked, we're stuck here.
Legolas: What if the theatre is on fire...?
AW: (calmly walking back to his seat) Then we jump in the mini fringe and drench ourselves in orange juice.

The smaller orc grabbed the gizmo and double checked its display. “Nope, Jay’s right, it’s been nearly four months since this fic was first posted. I’d say your real life is shot by now,” it said with a sadistic relish.

Legolas: I do hope this gizmo does not reflect the time that we have been in here as well.
AW: Four months... maybe Armageddon broke out and now there's a lot of zombie people out there, wanting our brains.
Legolas: ... (gives AW a look)

Mary Sue would have swooned if she hadn’t been so pissed. As it was, the only thing keeping her from throttling the orc was the possibility it may be a real orc, and kill her first. She clenched her fists repeatedly in an attempt to control her temper.

AW: And what is stopping her from going into a full 'language' rant?
Legolas: Frankly, I'm glad she isn't.
AW: Touche.

She took a deep breath, let it out, took another one, and tried really hard to wrap her brain around this stupidity.

Legolas: But it just wouldn't stretch.

“Let’s say I DO join you.

AW: (Orcs) Then you would become borg.

Is there any way you can get me back home, preferably three-and-a-half months ago?” she asked with remarkable restraint.

The orcs looked at each other. “Maybe Makes-Things could come up with something?” the taller one suggested.

AW: Oooo! SOMEthing!

“I don’t know,” the shorter said dubiously. “Makes-Things hasn’t been too cooperative lately.”

“Well, if YOU hadn’t….” the taller started.

Legolas: (Orc) ...stuck his toaster down the toilet." the elf finished.

“There’s no need to go there!” the shorter interrupted.

AW: Yes... there's been enough potty jokes to last us a while!
(rim shot)

By this time, Mary Sue was moving beyond pissed and baffled and into a mindless rage. “SHUT UP!!” she bellowed. Both orcs stared at her. “Now that I have your attention, who the hell is Makes-Things, and how can he help me get back to my kid?” she demanded.

Legolas: (Orc 1) Sorry. We can't.
AW: (Orc 2) Have a sandwich.

“Er….” The taller grunted.

AW: (Orc 2) Do you like strawberry jam?

The smaller sighed. “Makes-Things is exactly what he sounds like, someone who makes things. He made all our equipment.”

(Suddenly, the theatre doors burst open with a flood of light and the occasional visable fire in the near distance. AW and Legolas spin around - Legolas aiming his bow, ready to fire - and sees Drew and one of the hotdog venders from the concession stand, run into the theatre. Quickly, the two shut the doors to stop the thick wall of approaching tangled bodies. Drew looks scared stiff and the hotdog vender's face is white.)
Drew: (to the hotdog guy) Get something to bar the door!

“He’s a genius,” the taller added. “If anyone can get you back to reality, it’s him.”

(Hotdog vender nods, says nothing, and grabs a theatre seat and wedges it to stop the doors from opening.)
Drew: MORE! We need more!

“And if I join your Mickey Mouse operation, he’ll concoct something to get me home?” Mary Sue asked.

AW: Drew! What's going on? What are you doing?

“He might. He might not, but it’s better than this, isn’t it?” the better-natured orc pointed out. “Though I thought you’d be in the LOTR division, if you really want to work Disney, you can.”

Drew: (occupied with barracading the door) Can't talk. Busy saving our hides.

“NO!” Mary Sue exclaimed in horror. “This is bad enough, thanks very much, without dealing with that Mouse!”

Legolas: Alriiight... (puts his bow down)
AW: (Mary Sue) And I can't stand that "It's a Small World" song any more!

“So, you’ll come back to Headquarters with us, then?” the taller orc asked hopefully. The smaller had no comment.

AW: (Orc) I have no comment.

Mary Sue nodded reluctantly. “Doesn’t seem I have much choice, does it? Go with you and possibly get back home, or stay here and get fried when Doom blows. Which oughta be any minute now, probably.”

Legolas: (Orc) Probably. So, off to Mt Doom?

The taller orc grinned. “Great! Let’s go,” it said, pulling out another gizmo.

“Wait just a second! For one thing, I don’t know your names! I can’t call you Orc One and Orc Two,” Mary Sue protested.

Legolas: Why not? We have been for a while now....
AW: It works fine.

“I’m Jay, and this is Acacia,” the better-tempered orc introduced itself at last.

AW: Finally, introductions!

“And for another thing, there is NO WAY I’m gonna endure everything I’ve gone through without seeing the end of the damn book personally!” Mary Sue continued on as if Jay hadn’t said anything.

(A loud noise of metal scrapping contrete sound behind the msting elves, causing them to cringe. AW turns around and finds Drew dragging the mini fridge across the floor toward the doors.)
AW: (a bit hot under the collar) Excuse us... we're trying to mock a Sue here!

Again, the orcs looked at each other. “What do you think?” the taller, Jay, asked.

(Drew looks at AW.)

“I think it’s a horrible idea. I thought this entire thing was a horrible idea, and I still do. But, you’re gonna take her anyway, so I might as well go along and keep you out of trouble.

(Drew then proceeds to move the fridge more quietly.)

Besides, I might still get the excuse to kill her,” the smaller replied, glancing at Mary Sue.

Legolas: (hopefully) Oh, would you?

“Let’s not start that again, dammit! Nobody’s gonna kill her. We’re just gonna pop in real quick, watch and then head home,” the other replied, fiddling with the second gizmo.

AW: (Acacia) All My Children is on in half an hour.

Mary Sue stared at Jay. “What are you doing?” she demanded.

AW: (Jay) Guessing... I'm guessing you're a complete idiot.

“I’m setting the portal to take us to the Cracks of Doom,” Jay replied, ignoring Mary Sue’s irritability. After all, she’d spent the last several days in Mordor, Jay was willing to cut some slack for that.

Legolas: I would prefer cutting of some Sue, myself.

Acacia wasn’t, but Mary Sue wasn’t being rude to Acacia. Not directly, at least.

AW: More of the scenic route.

“That thing’ll bring us to the end of the book?” Mary Sue asked in wonder. She was a hopeless gizmo freak, despite her tendency to break anything more complicated than a spoon.

Legolas: And even with those, she bent them pretty badly.

The gadgetry Jay and Acacia had was fascinating, and part of her decision to go with them was based on the hope she’d be able to play with those toys.

AW: Like a Mr. Potato Head!

Jay nodded just as the portal opened. “Onward to Doom!” she cried dramatically, gesturing for them to enter. Mary Sue stared at it with undisguised doubt. Acacia noticed the look, growled something undecipherable that was most likely anatomically impossible in bipeds, and stepped through the portal with a glare for Mary Sue.

Legolas: (Mary Sue, happily) A glare? For me! You really shouldn't have!

Jay looked at Mary Sue. “Go on, it won’t hurt you, just move you. Go on, I’ll be right behind you,” she reassured.

AW: (Jay) Prodding you in the back, mind you.

Mary Sue pursed her lips, but nodded and stepped through the portal. It was a strange sensation, taking one step and suddenly being elsewhere. That the “elsewhere” in question was the Cracks of Doom made it even stranger.

(AW looks back at Drew.  She has finished piling a fair number of objects against the door, including the hotdog vender - who is now hurling from fright behind the mini fridge - and is catching her breath.)

AW: ...
Legolas: ... I'mnotcleaningthat.

Mary Sue looked around, noticed Acacia crouched behind yet another convenient rock. “I thought I got away from these rocks, dammit,” Mary Sue muttered as she took her place next to Acacia.

AW: Drew, what happened? What was that noi-
Drew: (shell shocked) We had barred the doors, but they were too much....

“What?” the orc (she still looked like an orc) asked.

Drew: (staring) We cannot get out....
AW: ... Come again?

“Nothing,” Mary Sue replied just as Jay stepped through and closed the portal.

Drew: (staring) We cannot get out...

“Whatever,” Acacia replied. “We’ve got some ground rules to set. First, the canon should be back to normal now that you’re out of the story, so don’t do anything to screw it up now!”

Drew: (staring) They have taken the concession stand and second floor washrooms. Honey and Mierauch and Dave fell there. .... went five minutes ago....
(Legolas and AW look at each other.)

Mary Sue bristled. “I wasn’t screwing it up before, dammit!”

Drew: ....the arcade was filled up to the wall at the west gate... they took Craig too. We cannot get out.

Acacia opened her mouth but Jay interrupted. “Nobody said you did. Just keep it that way and we’ll be fine. We can watch from here without affecting the story. You DO still want to see this personally, don’t you?”

Drew: The end comes.... droolers, droolers from the deep.   .... they are coming.

“Well, yeah,” Mary Sue replied. She settled down to witness the story in action. She looked around, taking in the scene.

AW: ... Who's coming Drew?

They’d arrived a bit too late for her taste.

Drew: (flatly) ....fangirls.
Legolas: ...!

Frodo was already writhing around on the ground, clutching his hand as Sam hovered protectively over him.

Legolas: (glowering) ... Great, now all I need is a balrog and it has been a perfect day.

“Damn, we missed the good part!” she swore. Then she noticed something disturbing. She nudged Acacia. “Didn’t you say the canon was restored now?” she asked

“Yeah,” Acacia replied.

AW: Then why is Barney dancing with Mr. Rogers?

“Then why is Gollum legging it this way, instead of dancing off the cliff like he’s supposed to?” Mary Sue wanted to know.

AW: (cheerfully) And that's why we ask questions, boys and girls, to find out answers!

She’d always wondered how Gollum could be so stupid as to do that anyway. Apparently, he wasn’t as dumb as he looked.

(Legolas clears his throat, but says nothing.)

“WHAT?” Acacia exclaimed, looking where Mary Sue pointed.

AW: Al? Oh... ...why does she keep doing that?

Sure enough, there was Gollum, running toward them like the proverbial bat out of hell. Acacia swore, and nudged Jay, who looked where she was pointing.

“What the hell?” Jay asked unnecessarily. “This isn’t right. What’d you do?” she accused Acacia.

Legolas: (Acacia) Oh... so the bad guy isn't suppose to win?

“I didn’t do anything!” she protested.

“Well, you’d better do something now,” Mary Sue interrupted as Gollum came closer.

Legolas: (Mary Sue) I think he's foaming at the mouth...

“We can’t,” the orcs said in unison.

AW: (Jay) It's in his contract.

“Why the hell not?? YOU’RE the so-called “Protectors of the Plot”, ferchrissake!” Mary Sue demanded.

AW: (Mary Sue) You do get a gold watch upon retirement, yes?

“We’re Mary Sue assassins, that’s all. We’re not supposed to touch the canon characters.

AW: (Acacia) They have cooties.

Though we could still kill you and set the plot right that way,” Acacia snarled.

Legolas: Sounds like a good plan to me.

“No, that’s all right. I’ll handle this, dammit,” Mary Sue snarled in return. She did NOT want to do this, but apparently the Cliché Powers That Be were DETERMINED to make her save the day, whether she wanted to or not.

AW: (Powers That Be) You're being timed; make it snappy.

So Mary Sue thought fast, and launched a flying tackle at Gollum as soon as he was in range.

AW: Hut! Hut! Hut!

Years playing football with her brothers had taught her the exact technique needed to take down a moving opponent, and she employed the skill to good use.

AW: W00t! Who called it!

Gollum went down under her tackle like the slimy rat he was.

Legolas: I thought he was one of the River Folk....

He kicked, clawed and bit, but again, Mary Sue’s tomboy childhood helped her out.

AW: She gave him wet willies.

She bit, clawed and kicked back, until she worked her way up to wrap her hands around Gollum’s throat.

“I have just had the most miserable time of my life,

Legolas: (Mary Sue) I'm never going to K-mart for a vacation ever again!

you little worm, and now that I’m THIS CLOSE to getting home, you are NOT gonna fuck it up for me! You’re supposed to be volcano bait, and volcano bait you will be!”

Legolas: (Mary Sue) We have had such a hard time trapping volcanoes lately.

she screamed as she fought with Gollum. He got many good shots in, but Mary Sue was too wrapped up in fury to feel them.

AW: For she was Superman!!

She was intent on one thing and one thing only---tossing Gollum into the frigging volcano so she could get out of here and hopefully get home.

AW: And so continues the tradition of casting the chaste into the abyss.

Jay, Acacia, Frodo and Sam all watched the fight with varying degrees of disbelief. Frodo and Sam couldn’t believe Mary Sue was alive, suddenly here, and fighting dirty with Gollum.

Legolas: She kept kicking below the belt.
AW: (laughs) Ooo. Ouch.

Jay and Acacia couldn’t believe she was risking her recruitment to interfere. Acacia was also growing excited at the possibility of getting to assassinate Mary Sue after all.

Legolas: Please do not get my hopes up again. They have already been dashed so many times already.

Mary Sue couldn’t have cared less. She was getting all her frustration and grief out by pummeling Gollum, and it felt great.

AW: Go for the jugular!

She beat on him long after he’d curled up into a ball, wailing “Precious!”

AW: (laughs) That's probably what I'd be saying too if she was "kicking below the belt".

“Don’t you “Precious” me, worm!! If it wasn’t for YOU, you little asshole, I wouldn’t be here!!

Legolas: No, that is techincally not so, but on with the ranting....

I don’t WANT to be here, never did, and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!! YOU WILL PAY!!!!” Mary Sue was in not a happy person.

AW: (monotone) Wow. Newsflash. Where's Kermit when you need him?

Jay turned to Acacia, who was rubbing her hands together in evil glee. “You’re NOT going to kill her, not after we’ve recruited her! Besides, I’ll bet you that unicorn skin she kicks his ass.”

“Bet it against what?” Acacia asked. Jay whispered in her ear.

Legolas: (Jay) Elrond's bunny slippers.

Acacia’s eyes widened. “You’re on,” she said, settling back to watch.

Legolas: (Jay) Popcorn?

Meanwhile, Mary Sue had tightened her choke hold on Gollum, and was now dragging him kicking and screaming toward the edge of the Crack of Doom. “Right, in you go!” she yelled as she heaved him unceremoniously in.

(AW hums Pomp and Circumstance)

Unfortunately, Gollum shot an arm out and

Legolas: Turned into a grapling hook.
AW: (Gollum) Go go gadget arm!

grabbed her by her shirt, dragging her in after him.

Legolas: (Gollum) We don't want to fall into the hot stuff alone. Come with?

“MARY SUE!” Frodo screamed thru his haze of pain. Sam merely gasped.

Legolas: (Sam) Can it be so? She's dead?
AW: (Frodo) Let the celebration begin!

Jay and Acacia, still hidden from the hobbits’ view, also gasped. This was NOT what they were expecting.

AW: It was something more along the lines of a final dance number.

The mountain began to rumble ominously. “Master, we must go,” Sam cried, hauling Frodo to his feet and dragging him towards the exit.

Drew: Speaking of which... why don't we do likewise?

“But…but,” he babbled, gesturing toward the Crack.

AW: But... it's not finished!
Legolas: Well, almost finished; I can see the ending of the chapter from here.

“There is nothing we can do now, Master. We must go!” Sam replied, dragging Frodo out of sight and back into the canon.

Legolas: I vote that as soon as it is finished... that we depart from this place post-haste - emphasis on "haste".

Jay and Acacia looked at each other. “We should go now,” Acacia said, uncharacteristically subdued.

Drew: Yes, we also should go... as in now.
AW: No! Not yet.

Jay gestured toward the rumbling Crack. “Shouldn’t we check on her?” she asked.

AW: (Jay) She hasn't been sleeping well these past nights, honey.

“We don’t have time! This pit is gonna blow NOW! We’ve got to go,” Acacia shouted over the growing din.

Drew: Just like the theatre doors; Hot dog venders are not good barracades!

Jay nodded and opened the portal.

Drew: (flatly) Fine, I'll find the emergency escape hatch while you finish. (muttering) Men.

A/N---There is will be an epilogue to this, but I have a small problem.

AW: (author) I have writer's block.

I can’t decide how to end it. I have three different ideas in mind:

Legolas: (author) And they all involve tugboats.

The Happy Ending—Mary Sue wakes up in Real Life with her kid

AW: Ugh! Bad dream fics? You're kidding right? It'd be North all over again!

The “Does This Shit Never End??” Ending---Mary Sue is hauled out and joins the PPC

Drew: (muttering) Just like when the fangirls get in here and haul off Legolas.
Legolas: (alarmed) Do not even jest about such things, Lady!

The Tragic, Emotional Ending---Mary Sue fries in Mt Doom.

Legolas: And what is tragic about that, may I ask?

So, help me out here, people! Which should it be?

AW: (author) Door #1, Door #2, or the mystery prize of what's in my pocket!
Legolas: (Gollum) What does it have in his pocketsess?

Oh, and for the cynically minded out there, this is surprisingly enough NOT one of my ploys for reviews.

AW: (author) It's one of my ploys for more emails.

I’ve got all three endings written in my head, and I like them all equally. I honestly cannot choose myself. I need some input and opinions as to where to take this. Thanks in advance.

GreyLadyBast

AW: I still say she should have taken my advice, wrote all three endings and did a "Choose Your Own Ending" fic where people could pick out of the three, but noooooo... no one listens to the waiter....
Legolas: AW?
AW: Yes?
Legolas: I have one word for you; Shhh!
Drew: Can we go now?
AW: There's still a bit left.
Drew: ...It's Legolas' funeral.