Protectors of the Plot Continuum:

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

By [email protected]

I own neither the PPC nor Pirates of the Caribbean. Jay and Acacia own the first while Disney owns the second. My thanks for letting me play in this universe. Also thanks to everyone on the PPC board helping me with information on the Black Pearl. Many, many thanks to Elena who was a wonderful Beta reader and helped me a great deal..

Salina Rose

"Lost, I'm lost, I'm lost, lost. I don't know where I'm going," a random person in black muttered. This was considered such normal behavior to the other passersby that they hardly noticed her. Agent Jira Foley walked through the PPC, head down, staring at her rapidly moving sandals which were not directing her where she wanted to go. "Response center, I need to go to my response center. Come on feet, come on." Unfortunately, focusing solely on your feet while walking can run you into "Ow!" walls. Jira rubbed her head and glared fiercely at the wall. "Stupid monotone color scheme. Can't find any bloody place ever. Oh, door!" 'As was usual in the PPC, not paying attention in the corridors would bring you to where you were trying to get to. "Finally," she hissed as she gave one last glare at the gray walls as she slipped into the room.

"Borormir! Come here sweetie. I brought breakfast." Jira waved bacon in a plastic bag in front of her. The mini-Balrog raced out from under the control console, grabbed the plastic-wrapped bacon and fled back under the console. "Don't eat the plastic! No, no! That can't be healthy, sweetie." Ever since Jira and Borormir had been assigned to Pirates of the Caribbean, Mary Sue Department, the mini had been severely neurotic. It seemed that he was afraid of large bodies of water and insisted on staying underneath the command console all the time. [BEEEEP!] The beep was immediately followed by a thunk when the freaked-out mini underneath the console banged his head and wings on the bottom. "Borormir! Sorry baby, you really shouldn't be under there." Borormir growled over the increasingly loud beeping of the console. "Stop growling at me, I'm going to go and kill it now." Jira grabbed her Camelbak and started shoving things in. “CD player, book, book, dagger, remote activator.. Shit, where'd I put my CDs?” The CDs were found, and various and sundry other necessities including, quite on accident, a manta ray beanie baby were found and dumped into the backpack.

“Okay, disguises. Let's see, prostitute. That would be a no. Um, navy personnel, nope. Here we go, pirate, Black Pearl, male/female. Only one woman pirate in this fic, so I guess I'll be male. Pirate, Black Pearl.” Jira shoved a dagger in her waistband and opened the portal. “Here we go.”

"To the Governor's house!" Captain Jack Sparrow shouted to his men while throwing a torch into a store window. Jira found herself surrounded by a snarling mob of unwashed pirates. She stumbled through the mob to watch Jack set a random store on fire as they marched to 'cease' the Governor's mansion. As the pirates reached the building, time stopped while random maids and such were killed. “It's seized a building, while I'm going to make you cease to be.”

Shaking her head, Jira watched as Jack her a gulp from the closet. Captain Jack Sparrow flickered out for a second, being replaced by a feminized version. “Ouch, Jack. That can't have felt good. Or maybe it did, I've read some fics where…”

Sparrow flickered back to normal and, in an overly dramatic manner, opened the closet doors and yanked the Sue's father out of the closet. He pulled the man close and said, "Ah, Governor. So nice to see ye again. I believe last time we met my head was being fitted for a noose. Now I am here to return the favor. This way governor.."

One of the pirates, a good bit shorter than the rest, growled in the direction of the Sue in the closet who Sparrow had completely missed seeing, and muttered, “I am so going to kill you.“ Only the Sue heard it as the short pirate followed Captain Sparrow out. The pirates were huddling in the foyer as Jack murdered the governor. Jira watched as his pretty gold teeth turned yellow and rotten. “Pirates huddling. That's definitely going on the charge list. And making Jack a vicious killer, and making his teeth go bad.”

The soon to be dead man screamed "SALI." Jira flinched at the crack as his neck broke.. The Sue had come out of the closet in time to watch her father's death and was now glaring at Jack. A glance at the Words showed that she had sworn vengeance on him, no matter that she would soon be his one true love. “Stupid Sue..” True to the Words, her blond hair was hanging at her side, floating next to her right arm. Jira couldn't help snickering as the bald woman with floating hair glared at Jack.

“Now that's really bad writing,” another pirate muttered from behind Jira..

Jira turned around slowly. “Yes, yes it is.” The pirate appeared to have green streaks in his hair. “You my partner?”

“Agent Jira?”

“That's me.”

“Then yes. I'm Agent SchmuckLeigh.” She stuck out a hand.

Jira jumped the other PPC agent. “Oh, thank somebody! I thought I was going to have to do this one on my own.” Thankfully, the Sue was to busy insulting Jack to notice that one of the pirates had jumped on another and was currently cutting off the first pirate's ability to breathe.

“Can't breathe.”

Jira let go. “Sorry, sorry.” Suddenly, all the pirates disappeared.. “What? Hey!” While Jack was making the Sue join his crew, the author had forgotten about the rest of the pirates and so they were gone, hopefully back to the Pearl.

Leigh snickered, “Oh, that's fabulous.”

“She can see us,“ Jira reminded her partner in a panicky voice. “Bad bad bad thing.”

“Run away!” The two assassins fled the mansion and took cover in the undergrowth outside. The Sue was in the middle of the driveway on her knees being melodramatic as the assassins tried to get out of sight and still see the horror.. Agent Schmuckleigh glared at the Sue as Jack came up behind her. Jira watched Captain Sparrow put his coat on the Sue. “And this is the part where she makes Jack multipolar.”

“I don’t think that’s a word.”

“You know, like Bipolar, but with more than two phases.”

The Sue threw it at him and yelled, "Would it have changed anything? Hugh? Would you've not killed him had you known I was there? I don't think you would've!" “Calling Jack Hugh. There we go for another charge. He's Captain Jack Sparrow, thank you very much,” Jira hissed at Salina Sue.

"No.. I suppose not, love. But, maybe I would've had the decency to take you out of the room, or something. I wouldn't want you to be traumatized for life to where you couldn't be capable of being a women." Jack lifted his eyebrow and looked at Salina in a creepy way.

“What the hell does that mean? And Jack is not creepy! I'll kill mmphm…” Jira started for Salina Sue, but just in time Agent Leigh slapped her hand over her partner's mouth and dragged back her into the undescribed undergrowth..

“Ignore the sue. Watch the Jack. Ignore the sue, watch the Jack.” Leigh said as she removed her hand

“I'm going to kill her so much! Not getting paid enough for this.”

“But the view is good.” Leigh watched Captain Sparrow appreciatively..

Jira nodded, “That is true. If you ignore the words coming out of his mouth, at least.”

Leigh jumped about a foot as Captain Jack Sparrow spontaneously grew a small pair of wings and took flight as Salina multiplied before his eyes. “Too many Sues, oh god.”

“And this proves why all writers should all know the difference between woman and women.” Jira muttered pedantically as she rubbed her eyes. And then, “He flew.” Jira spat. “He flipping flew. I want them dead, now. All of them.” Jacks hat, which had been on his head, fell off into a puddle for no apparent reason. “Hat abuse, she's abusing his hat.. How dare she hurt the hat!”

Both agents winced as a tense shift hit, and missed the next few lines as canon shook itself. Suddenly, the complete lower half of Sparrow's body disappeared into thin air, and his head and torso dropped to the ground next to the kneeling Sue. “It says, and I quote, 'Jack tipped his hat and then became eye level with the disbelieving girl.' That makes no sense whatsoever. And my favorite parts were down there.“ Jira looked despairingly at half-Jack

“That's fabulous.” Leigh murmured, patting her partner's back comfortingly..

“Damn you, Salina sue, damn you!” Jack's legs reappeared as he picked up his coat. “Much better.”

“Oh yes.” Jira and Leigh watched as Captain Sparrow and the Sue wandered off, supposedly to the Pearl, but, according to the Words, first they were going to shop for Sue clothes and then Jack was going to knock her into the water for no good reason. “Why couldn't he have just drowned her?”

“I don't know. Wish he had though.”

“I can’t much more of this. I am not watching the stupid bitch shop for clothing.“ “Agreed. Ship?” Leigh asked as the assassins fished themselves out of the mansion's shrubberies.

“Ship works.” Jira started off down the drive.

“So, do you know where the ship is?“ Leigh brushed random bits of plant out of her hair. “Harbor, I assume.” Jira shrugged, “Got to be on the water, and this stupid bint doesn't know that the Pearl is far too big to fit in the harbor. We're bound find it, from the noise if nothing else.”

“We are in a town. They do make noises.” “

“Yes, but somewhere it's stated that the town is, and I quote, "dead", so the Pearl should be the only thing with noise and people.” Jira looked back.. “Come on, can't be that hard to find a big tall ship with black sails full of pirates.”

Thirty minutes later

“Can't be that hard to find? Really?” Leigh snarked at her shorter partner..

Jira shrugged. “I don't know why you listened to me. I have no sense of direction whatsoever. I can't find north with a compass.”

‘Ok. Yes. So why were you leading?”

“I don't know. Just felt like it.”

“Uh huh.” Leigh looked up and pointed. “Would that be it then?”

“Oh, ship!” Jira yelped. And there she was. The Black Pearl was amazing, dark and gorgeous. “Pretty, pretty ship. I want that,” she sighed..

As they headed to the Pearl, Leigh noticed something very strange. “Jira, Jira?” “What?” Jira didn't appreciate being dragged from her ship-lusting.

‘Why are all the pirates on the mast?” True enough, the ninety plus pirates that crewed the Pearl were all on top of the mast of the ship. They looked rather like large, dirty crows on telephone wire.

Jira glared at the Words. “The Sue got them stuck up there so she could show off that she wasn't ‘ship deprived‘, despite being a governor's daughter. And add ship deprived to the charge list, if you would.”

“Of course” They watched Jack laugh at his crew, and then wander below decks with the Sue. “Poor Jack.”

“Let's get going, before they get down and leave us.” Jira took off in a sprint toward the Pearl, with Leigh close behind. Once up the gangplank, canon gave a shake and for a moment it rained dirty, smelly pirates.

Leigh dodged Random Pirate number four and shook her head. “You know, I don't think she has any idea how many people you need for a ship this size.”

Jira found an out-of-the-way place on the starboard side of the ship and sat down. “I don't think she has any idea. Ever.” She fished a severely battered copy of Shogun out of her pack and let it fall open.

“Good book?”

“Yep.”

“So, we're not going to watch the sap, then?”

“Nope. I'm going to sit here and ignore the horribleness going on in Captain Sparrow's cabin, I'm going to ignore the couch that just appeared on the ship, I'm going to pretend I don't know that the bitch doesn't give a damn that her fathers dead, and is a malignant narcissist, and if anyone bothers me I'm going to scream at them in Japanese until they go away. Wakarimasu ka?” Resolutely, she put her nose back in the book. That couch should go on the charge list.

“All righty then.”

****

“Wake up, wake up, wake up!” Jira bounced on her feet in the bright morning sun. “Got to go watch the canon break.”

Leigh groaned, stretching stiff muscles. Ship's railings are not traditionally considered comfortable by any stretch of the imagination. ‘Remind me not to fall asleep in that position ever again.”

“Ok. Don't fall asleep like that again. Get up, come on.“ Jira grabbed her partner's hand and pulled her to her feet.

“Are you always this cheery in the mornings? Because it's kind of annoying.” “Depends on the morning.” Jira grinned and looked over the open ocean. “This morning is beautiful, and I got to see the most wonderful sunrise over the sea. You so missed it.”

‘So, where's the Sue?” Leigh was less appreciative of the ocean's charms this early in the day than her partner, as she had fear of drowning.

Jira, on the other hand, loved water, and the ocean in particular. “On the couch in Jack's cabin. She's having a dream about the beginning of the movie because she's special…” “Where's Jack?”

Jira pointed to where Jack Sparrow stood at the wheel of his Pearl. He may have been doing a little fondling. “At the helm. He gets up early.”

Leigh followed the pointing finger. “Ooh. Very nice.”

“I think this is the first major break in canon coming up, so we should really go see.” Jira looked rather reluctant to abandon a nice canonical Jack for a Sue, but she rallied. “We must, we must. Damn Sue.”

They headed down towards the Sue's bed. Both agents jumped as a scream dopplered across the deck. “She's awake,” Jira sighed. “Come on.” The two assassins hurried to Salina Sue's room. The Sue was being held down by Mr. Gibbs while he called her dearie. “Dumb bint.”

Both agents looked thoroughly grossed out by the sweat pouring off the Sues forehead.. “So, why is this the first major break in Canon?”

Jira growled under her breath at the Sue, then turned back to Leigh. “Because one of the few things we know about the pre-movie canon is that Gibbs was not on the Pearl. He was a sailor in the Royal Navy. Don't know when he turned to piracy, but he was not on the Pearl pre- Isla de Muerta. He says he didn't even know Jack then.” She pointed her Canon Analysis Device at him. [Joshamee Gibbs. Pirate/Sailor/Pirate/Sailor?????? Out of Character 89.45%] Jira and Leigh ducked out of the way as the Sue and Mr. Gibbs headed up to the deck. As he passed Jira, she shook her head. “Poor guy. Even this thing doesn't know where he is.”

The Assassins followed them onto the deck of the Pearl. “If that's the first canon break, can we kill her now?” Leigh hissed as they watched the Sue climb up to Jack.

“Fraid not,” Jira growled as she watched Jack watching Salina's butt..

“Any particular reason why not? Because urge to kill rising.”

‘Two actually. One: there are two bit players in Tortuga we have to kill, including the stupid bint's fiancé, and two: there's an attempted rape scene coming up and I don't know which one of the pirates it is yet. Also, rape. I want to get her for that too. Rape is not a plot device.” Jira spun away from the sickening scene with murder in her eyes, and almost missed first mate Barbossa coming the other way.

Leigh winced. “We should hurt her a lot for that.” She glanced at the words. “So, we're in a battle soon.”

“Yep.” Above them Barbossa was getting touchy-feely with the Sue. “You'd think he would have had better taste. Jira said, “How dare she mangle Geoffrey Rush's character! And, 'me lady', when exactly did he ever have that kind of an accent? Huh?”

Leigh too was snarling at the Salina. “Lots of pain for her. Maybe we should let her meet one of his other characters. Say Quills?”

Jira grinned. “That would be fun. Very fun.”

“Uh, when the hell did that happen?” Leigh pointed at the naval ship that had just appeared next to the Pearl. “And why is it tied to us?”

Jira shrugged and ducked as an English cleric flew over her head. “Because the author doesn't know the difference between Loose and Lose, nor does she know Canon from Cannon. And hold on to something.”

Ready all hands! Prepare the canons!" Jack yelled as he gave the wheel a hard pull again.. This time the ship nearly flipped over. Jira wrapped her arms around the stairs leading up to the helm. Leigh, less prepared for the attempted flipping, grabbed onto Jira as she shrieked, “Ai! The Pearl can't turn so fast as to flip over! She's too big, you idiot!” Fortunately, her shriek was lost in the noise of the battle. “And that's going on the charge list. Abusing the Black Pearl! How dare you!”

Leigh let go of Jira as the Black Pearl righted herself. “Well that was fun.” Jira on the other hand showed no inclination to let go of the stairs. “Did she just say her uncle was the governor of a harbor?” She noticed her partner's lack of movement. “Are you stuck?” Jira gave a shaky nod. “Yes and yes. And I'm not letting go, ever. Hate things that flip over.” Her knuckles were clenched white in fear

"Barbosa take her bellow so that she stays safe. Away from the fighting." Salina looked at Jack and yelled, she then shoved Barbosa off of her and ran into the cabin. “Yay, she's gone.” Leigh said as she tried to pry Jira's clenched hands loose.

“She's coming back. After making a really stupid grapple with a candlestick.” “Damn. Oh, and she climbs out a window.” Leigh glanced at the words. “Here she comes.” J Jack turned around just in time to see Salina hop on deck. He stepped back and grinned. "You really do like danger, don't you?" "Oh, yes. I love it." She giggled a little while walking over to him. "I will fight. Since it is my freedom at stake. Understood, Captain Jack Sparrow?”

“I think I'm going to be sick,” Jira moaned from the railing.

“You and me both. It'll be over soon.” Leigh was making gagging noises..

“No, it won't.”

“Are the Canons ready?" This from Captain Sparrow. Both the assassins flinched at the bad spelling.

“I really don't know what English priests have to do with anything.”

“This couldn't touch Canon with a really long pole.”

“This is true.” The assassins watched Jack walk toward one end of the ship. It was rather confusing, as which end was never specified, so Sparrow appeared to be walking to both ends of the ship at the same time. "PREPARE FOR BATTLE!” Jack yelled.

Jira clenched her eyes shut and muttered, “Here we go.” Still holding onto the railing, she grabbed a handful of Leigh's shirt as the Pearl began to pour onto the unidentified naval ship. Leigh paled as the deck shifted and buckled.. She grabbed the railing next to Jira who said, “I really hate her. And I may be sick.” Jira continued to death grip the railing while chanting something that sounded like “Parlelelooloo” over and over again with her eyes still tightly shut.

“Hey, hey.” As the deck stopped moving, Leigh gave her partner a good sharp shake. ‘We have to go watch the really bad, not funny, fight scenes with warrior Sue.” Jira didn't move. “Fine.” Leigh moved close to her partners ear and yelled as loudly as she could, “Monkey!”

Jira jumped and fell on her back onto the deck, “Parley!” She glared at Leigh. “That was not very nice.”

“Up. Have to see the fight scene. Up!” Leigh pulled her protesting partner up and dragged her over to the naval ship where they observed a really bad fight scene. Salina ran for the top deck, trying to escape a chase. Two officers came up on the top deck; she now stood in the center of them. She reached for her gun, but it was already too late; the men had started to fight. So she took them both on, punching and cutting. One officer tried to hit her over the head but she ducked and it hit the officer behind her.

Jira sneered. “Yeah, I've never seen that move ever before. So not funny.”

Leigh glanced back at her partner, “How do you stand in the center of two people, anyway? Last I checked it was between two people, center of a circle”

Jira shrugged. “Bugger if I know. The Sue is stupid?”

“Yeah, true.” The assassins watched as Salina climbed the mast, and was promptly captured by the navy man who was conveniently waiting for her in the Crow's Nest.

Jira turned to Leigh. “So, in the middle of a battle with pirates who consider it good tactics to knock down the mast, the British navy has the brilliant idea to put a sailor on top of the mast just in case a pirate climbs up there? Why?!”

Leigh shook her head. “That's fabulous. And how are they going to get down?” “Very good question. I don't know.” Jira glanced at the Words. "Oh, primitive and outmoded concept on a crutch, why?" She threw up her hands.

Leigh leaned over to see. "Eww... Sap." During this, Jasper, AKA random sailor in the Crow's Nest, had a knife to Salina's throat and was ordering the pirates to drop their weapons. Sadly, Jack appeared to be thinking about it. “And here come the connection with canon characters.” Jira pulled out her copy of Shogun. Governor Swann appeared and the Sue was let go.

Leigh muttered, “Is now the best time to be reading?”

Jira replied by slamming the 1200 page book into her forehead. “No.” Thud. “No.” Thud. "Its really,” Thud, “Not.”

“Ahh.” Leigh watched little Elizabeth plead with her Suedo-cousin.

“Can I have it next?”

“Sure.” Thud. Thud. Thud. “Kay, I'm seeing spots now. Here you go.”

Leigh took the offered book, and found that the fic pain was far worse than hitting yourself in the head with a hardback copy of A Novel of Japan. Suddenly the Sue shouted, "My name is Salina Rose, AND I AM A PIRATATE!"

“You're also an idiot. Both assassins were sitting on the deck of the Pearl, watching the sue and Jack being cute at each other.

“Quite.”

“Having a stupid name and being a piratate. Definitely on the charges list.” Jira shook her aching head. “Okay, that didn't help.”

Time sped up as what should have been mid-morning went dark. “That was fast..” Leigh observed, getting up and returning the book to her partner's backpack.. “Time-shifting?”

“Check,” Jira muttered as she wrote on the charge list.

“She's dancing with Barbossa.”

“Yes.”

Leigh helped her partner up. “When can we kill her?”\

“Soon as we get to Port Royal.” Jira glanced over at the recently renamed Salina Rose. “Unless you want to risk a saltwater bath.”

“That's okay.”

They both jumped as a shot was fired. "Food's ready!" Badly spelled Eric Neck1der yelled out.

“Putting numbers in peoples names.”

“Check.”

“Want food?” Jira and Leigh glanced at the table filled with a feast that could feed a thousand men at least.

“Well, there is plenty.” Jira shrugged. “Let's eat.” The assassins grabbed what they could and gave nothing back, including a nice bottle of rum off the table. Holding the bottle they sat under the window of Jack's cabin and watched the angst. He was leaning depressingly out the window, thinking very loudly. 'What was I thinking? I can't have her on board. She'll get hurt or.. killed. I shouldn't of let her come.' Jack walked over to his desk and plopped into the chair. 'But, she's changed me in only a day and a half. I can't explain how, and the crew loves her.'

“Cough, Mary Sue, cough.” Jira gazed upwards at him and grabbed the rum bottle from her muttering partner.

“See Jack angst. Angst Jack, angst.” Leigh snickered and reclaimed the rum bottle. After taking a swig, she and Jira got to their feet as the Sue came over to drag him out to dance. “Let's go elsewhere.”

“Good plan. Otherwise I may kill her now, for what she's doing to poor Captain Sparrow.”

The Sue was now dancing with everyone on the floor. Mr. Gibbs came over to Jack. "It's nice to have a women aboard once in a while, aye captain?" Gibbs nudged his side.

Leigh took out her CAD but Jira pushed it down. “I don't want to know. I really don't. Plus, it may explode.”

Leigh was distracted by Salina dragging Jack onto the dance floor and “Teaching him to dance!” She swore repeatedly. “He's Captain Jack Sparrow! I'm sure he can dance. For the love of somebody.”

Jira glared at the Sue as she finished and walked back into Jack's cabin. “Here comes the attempted rape for angst and sympathy part.” She locked eyes with Leigh. “For this she must suffer lots and lots.”

Leigh nodded. “I completely agree. This is despicable.” She glanced at the Words. “So do we have to kill him?”

“Uh… No. Jack’s going to do that.” Jira indicated the bow of the ship. “Shall we go over there, cover our ears and sing really loudly?”

“Maybe we should use our headphones?” The assassins headed across the Black Pearl.

“Better plan, yes.” The PPC agents settled against the rail of the ship, pulled out CD players and headphones, and began to hum. None of the other pirates noticed the two, one humming Tori Amos, the other King of the Golden Hall, as Salina ran out of the cabin partially stripped and tears flying like crystals. Neither assassin heard the sounds of fighting or the sound of metal ripping through flesh and the fatal cry for help that echoed into the night. Both watched as Salina grabbed onto Jack as he came out and then promptly fell asleep.

One pirate muttered “Yeah, that’s what I'd do after nearly being raped,” while the other was trying to figure out whether the man Jack was talking to was Bootstrap Bill or Will Turner. Eventually Jack laid the Sue down on the pillows 'Bootstrap Will' had brought out and spooned up to her. The sound of gagging echoed over the deck.

In time both assassins slept, one with her glasses on, the other with Tori playing out of her headphones.

*****

Agent Schmuckleigh, known as Leigh for purposes of easier conversation and not being called 'hey, you' by her partner, woke to the sun bright in her eyes and a peculiar sound in her ears. Rising, she fumbled for her sunglasses, realized pirates didn't wear sunglasses, and groaned. Squinting, she looked around and discovered the peculiar sounds were coming from Agent Jira Foley, who was sitting on the deck of the Pearl with her middle fingers stuck firmly in her ears, humming determinedly.. Curious at her partner's behavior, Leigh followed Jira's fierce glare. And saw Captain Sparrow and the Sue being cute at the helm. She sat up and nudged her partner firmly in the arm. “Hey!”

Jira stopped humming and unplugged one ear. “Good morning. Guess what?” “What?”

“I hate her.“

Leigh shrugged, “I knew that. So?”

“So I got woken up to the most nauseating conversation ever and am currently being made to watch her,” this said with almost a growl. “Learn to ‘drive’ the Pearl. In twenty minutes flat.”

Leigh listened to the conservation for a second. “And she misspelled 'wheel' too.” This caused another growl. “I noticed. How hard is it to spell wheel? I mean really. It has five letters in it. And one’s a repeat. Pathetic. Truly pathetic.”

"I feel free." Salina pulled her braid out and let her hair blow in the wind. She failed to notice the one of the two pirates that were leaning on against the ship's rail start gagging violently, while the other blew a raspberry at her. The men came out on deck and for the first time realized how vital this woman would be to have on board. Some thought this for different reasons but most for the simple reason that she kept Sparrow happy. Which meant everything would go smoothly for a while, as long as nothing happened to her.

“Something is definitely going to happen to her. With lots of pain.” Leigh was practically snarling at the Sue.

“Ive got some concertina wire.” Jira patted her backpack.

“I was thinking something more iron maidenish.”

“Haven't got one of those with me. Sorry.” Jira smiled at her companion, somewhat madly. “But we could cut off bits and pieces. Concertina wire very sharp.”

”Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.” With that they stood to watch Salina climb the mast and show off her rope swinging skills. “Grr…”

"Land Ho!" She shouted, and then made a few more enchanting hoots and yahoos. Her shirt and scarf flapping and rolling on her skin, her hair waved through the wind like spun gold. Indeed she was now a pirate and ready for a whole new adventure.. “Think she knows how stupid she sounds right now?” Leigh said, watching the Sue's hair go shiny and metallic.

“Think she knows that spun gold is a metal and heavy and doesn’t wave particularly well?“ Jira responded as she watched Port Royal come ever closer.

The assassins slipped into one of the rowboats making their way to the peer-this should be pier.. Salina was in the front of the leading boat, fumbling with her fingers. How she did this neither assassin was sure as they weren't in the first boat and couldn't really see. Once the boats docked on the peer, they watched Jack sway off and Bootstrap Will help Salina out of the boat. "Thank ye Will." Will nodded and she began to walk down the peer. "Where might ye be going Miss Rose?" Salina stopped in her tracks and moved to face Barbosa. "I'm going to a couple of shops to get a few supplies." "Would ye like an escort Miss Rose?" "No thank you Barbosa.. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. Oh and Barbosa?" "Yes ma'am?" "You can address me by Salina." "I know ma'am. But, I prefer Miss Rose, has a certain ring about it." “Oh. Okay then." Salina turned back around and walked straight for the tailor's shop.

“Okay?! You can't say okay. That's not even a word yet!“ Jira waved her hands in a very pissed off manner at the Sue.

Leigh was focused more and on the character assassination of Barbossa. “You can address me as Salina,” she mimicked in a high pitched voice. “Bitch! Thou shalt not mess with any character played by Geoffrey Rush.”

“Hear, hear.” Jira started off after Salina. “Now we have to find the fiancé, and then kill him.” She thought for a moment and said, “After, of course, lots of stupid dialogue”

“Let’s get this over with.” They watched as Salina Sue and 'Bootstrap Will' walk into a tailor's shop and then walk back out. Salina walked over to a bench and sunk down into the chair like it was made of cotton.

Jira blinked rapidly at the bench-chair. “Whaheyhuhwha?” She blinked it some more, but this didn't seem to help any. She could feel her brain trying to collapse.

Leigh just looked elsewhere, rather than try to wrap her brain around a bench/chair/bean bag made of cotton. Which meant she didn't have to see the Sue tear up, though sadly she could still hear.

Will sat down next to her. "What's wrong Salina?" "Nothing." She said while wiping her nose and sitting back up. "Really?" "No. There is something wrong." What is it?" "Them. In the store, they were what's wrong. You saw that man in the back room?" "Yes." "He's my fiancÈ, or at least he was supposed to be." "Oh." Will got up and paced a little rubbing his cheek hard, as if he was thinking constantly about what she was saying. Salina looked up at him, tears still falling. "But don't tell Jack. Please don't tell Jack." Salina grabbed his hand and rested her cheek on it. "We need to do something. If yer seen here looking like this, and everyone thinks yer dead, and well you're not. Things could go really wrong. We need to get you some different cloths so you fit in a little better and aren't noticed as easily." Will bent down and looked Salina straight in the eyes. "Okay?' Salina nodded and hugged him tightly. "Aright, now you stay here while I go and get a dress for you." Salina nodded as he walked back into the tailors.

“So how does he know her measurements, and why must she keep calling him Will? Bootstrap Bill! With a B. Bill.” Jira finally looked away and rubbed her eyes.

“Also, he's apparently going to make the dress himself, since he's only getting cloth, and not clothes.” Leigh observed as they waited the ten minutes for him to return.

“Well, we don't really know that he can't sew. He might be able to.”

“But not in ten minutes.”

“True.” Bootstrap came out of the shop with a pastel green dress with little pink bows on the front. “Eww…” Both agents exclaimed..

“Horrible colors,” Leigh whimpered.

“I'm blind!” Jira clapped her hands over her eyes so as not to have to see the mismatched colors, and also as not to have to see the Sue's underwear..

Leigh was swearing softly. Suddenly a glass of flowers broke, from where will ever be a mystery, and the Sue yelled, "James!"

“Here comes fiancé man.”

“And he's pissed too.”

"Salina?" He walked a little closer. "So this is where you've been, what you've been doing?" Salina looked around and saw Will in the corner and noticed her dress wasn't fully tied. "Oh, no. It's not what you think. James really." "Oh is it not? I can't believe you! You've lowered yourself to these-these filthy beings!" "No James I haven't!" James walked furiously out of the alley and out into a garden. "Oh really? Then what were you doing back there? The tango backwards?"

Jira snickered, while Leigh looked more pained. "You wouldn't understand James!" "I wouldn't understand. I wouldn't understand that you got up and left you're home and family behind. You left me to do what? Come here and become a whore! Some life you got there, Sweetie!"

“Go James!” Jira cheered softly.

‘He's going sappy in a minute,” Leigh observed, looking up from the words.

“Bloody hell.”

And he did, and after getting punched, calling Salina a two-bit whore, (“Not worth that much, I'm sure.” Jira muttered) meeting Jack, and walking off, there was a horrible scene with their engagement rings. "You were mine! Whether you want to except it or not, you were mine!" Salina shook her head with her gold hair waving by her side.

“Her hair's come off again.”

"You were. You even have the ring. See, it's still around your neck." James reached over and pulled a hidden chain out of her dress. Salina looked at it lovingly and then took it into her own hands.

“So the chain was what, invisible? Underneath her skin? Must have been pretty well hidden, since she was mostly naked just a minute ago."

“Keen observations have no place here.”

Jack now sat up looking confusingly at the couple. "Come home with me Salina, please.." James spoke softly to her as he placed his hand to her cheek. "Let me take care of you." She grasped his hand and took the necklace off. "I love you James." "I need a drink, Will. I need a drink bad."

“You and me both.”

“Not yet.”

"Well. You leave me with but only one choice." Salina turned her face away. "I have to say goodbye. But." James put his hand to her chin and turned her face toward him. "If you ever need me you know where I am." "Thank you James, for understanding.." She reached up and kissed his forehead, then let go and walked towards the tavern.. James the bit player went still as Salina walked off, and showed no resistance to the two PPC assassins who towed him into an alley. “So, now what?” Leigh asked as her partner went fishing in her bag.

Jira pulled out a pair of thick leather gloves and a length of flat wire. “Grab the head,” she said, as she went behind the unmoving man, pulling on the gloves and looping the wire around his neck loosely. “Kind of feel sorry for him, you know?” Jira jerked the wire backwards, and the body collapsed as the head fell off.

Leigh picked up the head by its red hair with a disgusted look on her face. “Now what?” she asked as she laid the head by the body.

“Now we capture the Sue. You want the other bit player?”

“Sure.” Leigh shrugged as they headed back to the tavern. Jira handed her something. “What's this?”

“Blackjack.” They arrived at the tavern just as the Sue entered and was staring in shock at Jack and the other bit player. Before she could move into the room, Jira tapped her on the shoulder. Salina Rose turned. Jira smiled very insincerely. “Did you know that dress is absolutely the worst mix of colors ever?” Salina opened her mouth, and Leigh cracked her in the back of the head with the blackjack. Jira moved out of the way to let her hit the floor, then grabbed her arms and dragged Salina out of the tavern. No one noticed. “Very nice.” Leigh smiled. “Thank you.” It wasn't a very nice smile, more on the lines of 'someone is going to pay for all the pain they put me through, and soon'. She grabbed an arm, and they dragged the Sue into the alley with her former fiancée. Jira tied a length of rope around the Sues wrists, while Leigh did her feet. “I get the other bit, right?”

“She's all yours.” Jira waved Leigh ahead of her. They entered the tavern, where Jordan Knight sat on Captain Sparrow's lap. “So, what's the plan for getting her without him getting us?“ She gestured at Jack who was, as always, wearing a sword and gun.

Leigh started digging in her backpack. “Disguise generator. You should have gotten a memo.”

“Uhh… It's very likely, yes.” Jira suffered from minor problems with memos, as she wasn’t the most tidy of people. Plus, since the move to PotC, Borormir had taken to eating random bits of stuff. Including paper. “I think my Mini-Balrog may have pica.

“Found it!“ Leigh pulled it out and pushed some buttons. Jira looked down and realized she was wearing a long, blue dress, and noticed her partner was similarly attired in purple. And wearing far too much make-up. “Like that..”

“Ah. I see.” Jira glanced back at Jack and Jordan. ìI think I've divined the plan. You slap him, he drops her, we grab her and run.”

Leigh smiled again. “Actually.” She pulled out a nasty looking knife.. “You slap, she falls, I stab, grab the body and run.”

“That works too.” Leigh walked up behind Jordan, who couldn't see her, being occupied right then.

Jira hadn't moved. “Go already,” she hissed. Jira was turning bright red at the thought of touching, much less slapping, Jack Sparrow. She took a deep breath and tried to go into pissed whore in Tortuga mind-set. She gave Leigh a thumbs-up and strode forward. ”Jack Sparrow!” Captain Sparrow looked up at a woman in a blue dress and heavy make-up who he'd have sworn he'd never seen before.

“Yes, love?” Then she hit him hard across the face. “I don't think I deserved that,” he mumbled, and turned back to the woman. “Do I know you, darlin'?”

The woman smiled apologetically. “You don't, and you didn't. I'm actually just distracting you so my partner can kill Miss Knight there.” She gestured behind him. “Bye.” When he turned back the woman was gone.

Jira ducked out the door the moment Jack turned his head, and sighed in relief. That had gone easier than she had expected. Jira slipped into the alley where she and Leigh had left the bit's body and Salina, who was just coming awake. Leigh was already there, with Jordan Knight's body stabbed neatly through the neck. “Very nice.”

‘I thought so. Where to now?”

“Back to the rowboat.’ Jira hauled Salina up and inspected the very nice ball-gag in her mouth. “Where'd that come from?” she asked admiringly as she dumped the Sue in the rowboat.

Leigh dropped the headless body in on top of Salina “I thought it might be useful..” Then the head. Salina tried to shriek. Nothing got through the gag.

“Indeed.”

Together they carried Jordan Knight's body out and dumped her in the boat. Jira retrieved her remote activator and fiddled with it a bit. Leigh started rowing them away from the pier. “So, where are we going?”

Jira finished setting the coordinates and pointed the activator just ahead of the boat.. ‘Just east of the Philippines.” The boat went through the portal onto more ocean. “So, do you want to charge her, or shall I?” She pulled a SCUBA weight out of her bag, wrapped it around one of the bit player's wrists, and shoved her overboard. She sank like a stone.

“I'll do it.” Leigh pulled Salina up and held on. “Salina Marie Doubou, AKA Salina Rose, you are hereby charged with being a Mary-Sue, for making Captain Jack Sparrow wildly out of character, making Joshamee Gibbs wildly OOC, making Barbossa wildly OOC and misspelling his name, thereby creating a Misspelled Monkey, for calling Bootstrap Bill Turner Will and confusing us, for abusing Jack's hat, for abusing the Black Pearl, making pirates huddle, for making Jack's pretty golden teeth rotten, for making Jack fly, for stressing me out and pissing me off (thank you Jira), for changing physics so the Pearl could almost flip over, for firing English clerics (its cannons, not canon), for having gratuitous connections with canon (one 'n'.) characters, for using rape as a plot device rather than a horrible crime…”

At this point Jira slapped Salina in the back of the head hard. “Thou shalt not!”

“Ahem. For being a warrior sue and a wussy one at the same time, for putting Mr. Gibbs on the Pearl pre-Isla de Muerta, for green dresses with pink bows (commiting fashion crimes), for making Jack a psychotic killer one moment and a complete sap the next, for being a malignant narcissist, for not caring at all about being with the man who hung your father in front of you, for thinking you could get ninety plus pirates on the Pearl's mast, for learning how to steer the Pearl in twenty minutes, for being vital to Jack's happiness, for driving the Pearl, for making enchanting hoots and yahoos, for becoming a pirate in two days, for making Port Royal an island rather than a town, for saying Royalist before the American revolution, for putting Royalty in Port Royal, for having a fiancé just for the angst, for using anachronistic words: Grouchy, Okay etc…, for changing your name randomly, for being a piratate when its pirate, stupid, for making Elizabeth a wimp, for being really fucking melodramatic, for time shifting and I'm sure for other things too, you are condemned to die.” She removed the ball gag. “Do you have anything to say before we kill you?”

Salina spat. “You bitches! How dare you? My Jack…” Jira hit her again. Hard, in the throat. While she was making choking noises, Jira pulled out a few more weights and started wrapping them around her captive.

“So, we're just going to drop her in the ocean?” Leigh asked.

“Nope, we're going to put the rest of those weights on her and drop her into the Challenger Deep.” Jira smiled darkly.

“Ahh… I didn't realize where we were. Will it hurt a lot?”

“Oh yes.” Jira shrugged. “If she doesn't drown first she‘ll implode from the pressure.”

“Fabulous.”

“It really is.” They both smiled at Salina, who was frozen with terror.. The assassins grabbed her and heaved. Finally getting her breath back, she screamed, right until she hit the water. And then she sank, into the deep dark of the Marianas Trench.

“So that's what, five miles down?” Leigh threw the fiancés head over the side as Jira tossed the body the other way.

“About that. Yeah.”

Leigh opened the portal back to headquarters. As they jumped off the boat Leigh could be heard saying, “Absolutely fabulous.”

The End

[Author’s notes:

The Challenger Deep is the deepest part of the Marianas trench, the deepest part of the ocean. Approximately five mile straight down. Has lots of really fascinating little animals that I’m sure will be happy to eat whatever’s left of Salina. Concertina wire is very nasty razor wire used around prisons. Borormir has Pica which is defined as an abnormal desire to eat substances (as chalk or ashes) not normally eaten in the Merriam- Webster dictionary. Shogun: A Novel of Japan is a superlative book by James Clavell. I highly recommend it, though not for hitting yourself in the head.

Jira is a Jack and Will luster, while Leigh lusts after Norrington, Jack, and Will. We both adore Geoffrey Rush though I’m not sure I really ever want to see him naked ever again. Any mistakes are mine and any and all reviews and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. I had a lot of fun writing this, and there are so many more to go. Thanks for reading.]