Protectors of the Plot Continuum:

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

By [email protected]Midnight

I own neither the PPC nor Pirates of the Caribbean. Jay and Acacia own the first while Disney owns the second. My thanks for letting me play in this universe.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Terror of the Sea

Agent Schmuckleigh of the PPC chewed on the end of her pen while she waited for her partner to get back from Make-Thing’s lab. Agent Jira had gone to pick up a Disguise Generator she would have gotten earlier had her Mini-Balrog not eaten the memo about it. Borormir, the aforementioned Mini, was currently peering out from under the command console at Leigh or more specifically at Leigh’s notepad. He licked his fangs in anticipation and waited.

“I got it!” Jira slid into the room, waving the generator triumphantly..

Leigh took the pen out of her mouth and turned toward the door. “That’s good. Hey!” Borormir had taken advantage of Leigh’s moment of inattentiveness and had raced from underneath the console, grabbed her notebook, and raced back. “He took my notebook!”

Jira nodded. “Yep. And from the sound of things, he’s eating it.” She peered under the console at her Mini, who was happily chowing down on the notebook. “I don’t know why he does that.”

“You realize he’s nuts, don’t you?” Leigh glared at the console.

“Only a little.” Jira got up and started to put the disguise generator in her pack when the console went off.

[BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!] Wham!

“That was unnecessary.” Jira observed.

“So far, not having a real good day.” Leigh muttered, glaring at the console and the Mini-Balrog in turn.

Jira glanced over the story. “Well, it’s not gonna get any better. It‘s a Jack Sue who‘s Will‘s older sister and she calls Norrington greasy.”

Leigh hissed. “She’s mine.”

“I get to charge her.” Jira responded quickly.

“Fine.” The assassins gathered their supplies and headed to the portal..

“Hey, we get to be on the Pearl.” Jira looked very cheered.

“That’s not really unusual. Most of these are on the Pearl.” Leigh was still upset at the Sue’s insulting of Commodore Norrington.

“During the movie. With Barbossa.” Jira grinned.

“Oh… Cursed.” Leigh’s grin mirrored her partner’s.

“Oh yeah. That’s going to be fun, fun, fun. But first we have to be regular pirates. ”

“Oh well.” With that they set their disguises and opened and stepped through the portal.

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me," sang a boy about 15 years of age, standing on the deck of the Black Pearl, gazing out into the wide open waters, trying not to think about what had just happened an odd ten minutes ago.

Jira and Leigh stepped out onto the deck of Pearl, behind the boy. Jira nudged Leigh, “Ah, he’s cute. Who’s he supposed to be?”

“That would be Jack.”

Jira glanced at him. Then at Leigh. Then back to the boy. “Wait, I thought this part was set eight years before the movie. That would mean Jack would only be 23 when the movie happened.”

“That’s right.” Leigh was watching mini-Jack watch the water and brood. “He’s cute.”

“Of course he is. He’s Captain Jack Sparrow.” Jira thought about her last statement for a second. “Well, sort of. That’s way too young to have captained the Pearl and getting marooned and waiting ten years and and stuff.…” She threw up her hands. “Anyway, that’s way too young. And I thought he didn’t know that song until Elizabeth taught it to him.”

“Yeah, and I think the author doesn’t know her ass from her elbow.” Leigh glanced at the Words, “Here she comes.”

"Help, someone, there's a girl in the water!" shouted Jack Sparrow searching for someone still aboard deck.

At his call for help about half the crew and the captain came running from the hull..

Jira and Leigh jumped out of the way as a large number of pirates ran up the sides of the ship, jumped over the railings and ran toward Jack. Jira pulled a dictionary from her backpack and flipped through. “Hull: the frame or body of a ship or boat exclusive of masts, yards, sails, and rigging. So they were just hanging around on the outside of ship, at sea, with no ropes or anything. So they all have really sticky extremities or…”

Leigh jumped in. “They’re all Spiderman!”

Jira blinked at her. “Yes, I’m sure that’s it. Yes…” She leaned away from her partner. During the conversation the pirates had pulled the Sue onboard and Jack was taking her below deck. “Follow him.” The assassins slipped into the room just before Jack could lock the door.

As Jack sat on the end of the bed staring at the new arrival he couldn't help but wonder what to do now. He'd brought her down here, he'd prepared a bath for her to get into when she woke up, what else was he supposed to do? He decided stare at her for the moment, because of the lacking in his things to do list.

“When did he prepare her a bath?” Leigh looked around the cabin confusedly. “And where did he put it? Pirates not really known for hygiene..”

Jira just shook her head. “I don’t know. And ‘Because of the lacking in his things to do list’ what the hell kind of a sentence is that?!”

As he stared at her he couldn't help but notice her rather beautiful features. She had odd color hair, a shade between dirty blond and brown, he wasn't sure but if she opened her eyes he was sure they'd be brown to. He noticed her facial features weren't rounded but sharp, and soft at the same time. He guessed she was about his age, maybe a year or two younger.

“That’s not odd. That’s ash brown! That’s not even a pretty color. Ash brown! Dumb ass. ” Jira was a little overprotective of her hair color or really anything in the brown shades..

“Shh… He‘s noticing her half of the Aztec gold. And then she wakes up.”

“So we should hide.” They both glanced around. “Closet?”

“Closet.” They ducked into the cabin’s closet. “Eww… Smelly pirate clothes.”

"Who are you, and where am I," she said in a very calm tone of voice.

“Because saying she said calmly would have been far too complicated.”

“Shh…”

Jack being the gentlemen that he was got up from the end of the bed, took off his hat, and bowed to her and stated, " Cabin boy, Jack Sparrow, at your service mam."

“Ma’am, dimwit!”

First Jack didn't know whether she was going to say anything else but instead she asked,

“Whahuh?”

" Well then, Jack, could you please tell me where I am then?"

"Your aboard the Pirates vessel the Black Pearl," he said noticing that her eyes where in fact brown like he'd guessed.

“Whoopdidoo.”

"Oh, that's nice," she stated. Jack just gaped at her, nobody in their right mind would consider the Black Pearl as `nice'.

“I do!”

“He said right mind.”

“Shut up.”

"Well, what are you looking at," she asked him, stirring him from his train of thought..

“A really stupid Sue who doesn’t know that question marks go on the end of a question.”

“I invented the question mark.”

“Liar.”

"Um, just wondering, your name," he answered truthfully.

"Oh how rude of me," she said extending her hand, " Jessica Turner, at your service," she said.

“Don’t do it! You’ll get cooties!”

“You’re a loony.”

“Am not.”

He looked at her hand then shook it.

“Hold on to something.”

“Why?”

*5 years later*

“Time shift.” Jira moaned as the two agents appeared on the deck of the Pearl. She sat suddenly on the deck and shook her head trying to clear it. It didn’t help.

“Oh… I really, really hate that.” Leigh looked over the Words. “And there’s another one coming up in a minute.”

“I thinking we should portal to Port Royal before that.”

“Why?” Leigh thought for a second. “Oh right, never mind. We won’t all fit on Anamaria’s tiny stolen boat.”

“Nope. We can catch up with them after she saves Elizabeth.”

The two agents watched the sword fight for a minute, staying carefully out of line of sight..

"Fuck you," said Jesse in a playful, instead of rude manner.

“Is that even a word yet?” Leigh helped Jira to her feet.

Jira nodded. “Yep, invented by the Puritans in the 1600‘s, I believe.”

“Really?”

“It means For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. They’d write it on the stocks when someone was being punished for sex related crimes. F.U.C.K.”

“Fabulous.”

“I’m not sure it was in common usage by now, whenever now is. But definitely a word.” They watched as the Sue told Jack he was neither gentlemanly nor ‘hansom’.

“Hello, pirate.” Leigh glared at the Sue.

"What," said Jack looking shocked, " your saying I'm not gentlemanly or hansom."

Jira smirked.. “No Jack, you are not a hansom cab. I’m quite certain of this..”

"That would be what I said," said Jesse trying not to look amused, " and your certainly not polite.”

“Pirate!” Leigh snapped, sounding completely exasperated.

Jack just stood there for a moment looking like a fish out of water. Then he put his sword back into it's (?) holster and started to creep up next to her.

They both heard the question mark and it was Jira’s turn to glare daggers at Jesse. “Holster! What the hell is wrong with you?! Try scabbard, you total total,” she sputtered for a second. “A word has yet to be invented for how totally whatever it is you are, but you are one! And a total total one at that!”

“Geek.” Jack dumped the Sue in a bucket of water for no apparent reason.. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Agreed.” Jira pulled out the Portal device and in seconds they were stepping onto the streets of Port Royal. “We should probably change into townspeople or something. We’re going to be here a while.

“Right.” The assassins pulled out Disguise generators and quickly changed from uncursed pirates to Port Royal townswomen. “Here comes the time shift.”

“Bugger.”

*3 years later*

“This is most unpleasant.”

“Yes it is.” Jira picked herself up rather faster than last shift. “And the streets are disgusting.” She wiped her hands on her skirt. “I don’t want to know what that was. I really don’t.”

Leigh had managed not to fall, as she had better balance than her partner. “So we should go see Elizabeth fall off a cliff. Wait a minute. I thought she fell off the fort. Where’d the cliff come from?”

“Bugger if I know.” Jira just shook her head and started walking.

Leigh grabbed her arm. “Oh no. I remember last time. I’m leading..”

“Know your way around Port Royal well, then do you?” Jira said as she follwed her partner down the streets. Within minutes they were at the docks. Jira stared at the Interceptor in disbelief.

“Apparently.” The assassins watched Mullroy and Murtogg guarding the Interceptor from the Sue and Jack. “They beat us here.”

“Oh well.” Jira shrugged.

"Commodore Norrington'll use this ship to hunt down every pirate on the Spanish Lake," said one. " The Interceptor is the fastest ship ever recorded," said the other one trying to bring attention to himself.

“The Spanish Lake? I thought we were in the Caribbean. And what lake? This is an ocean, nowhere near Spain!”

“I think she meant Spanish Main. Though you would think even the dumbest Sue would know the difference between main and lake.”

“You’d think.” Jira pulled out her notepad, which had been in her Camelbak where Borormir wouldn’t eat it. She scribbled quickly, “Doesn’t know the Interceptor goes on the ocean. Putting the Caribbean in a Spanish Lake. Not giving Mullroy and Murtogg names. Making Jack 23 during the movie.”

Jesse made her face go into one of deep thought, " But what about that one pirate ship, oh what's it called," she said playing stupid.

“What do you mean playing?” Leigh snapped.

“Putting your face in deep thought.” Jira added another charge.

"The Black Pearl," asked one of the guards.

“Stealing Jack’s lines. Giving Jack’s lines to other people.”

"Yes, that the one," said Jesse.

"Well," said the guard on the left, " There's no real ship that can match the speed of the Interceptor."

"But the Black Pearl is a real ship," said the one on the right, " I've seen it."

“Taking out the crewed by the damned, captained by a man so evil speech..” Jira muttered.

As the two guards argued, Jesse slinked away and joined Jack on the deck of the boat, as he was playing with the wheel.

Jira and Leigh followed the guards up the gangplank. Jira was watching Jack, “How did he get over there?”

Leigh glanced back at her partner. She shrugged, “Maybe he flew, like last time.”

“Not again.”

"Hey what are you doing up here the guards asked looking at Jack.

“When people stop talking, you use also use quotes. Otherwise you confuse everyone.” Leigh hissed.

"Oh, I just couldn't help myself it's such a pretty boat ... I mean ship," he said innocently..

“Changing the few lines you actually let him have.”

"And you mam, what are you doing accompanied by this scoundrel," said the other guard staring daggers at Jack.

“Here I always thought it was glaring daggers at someone. Kinda like what I‘m doing now.” Jira demonstrated.

"Oh," Jesse said looking surprised by the question, " this is my husband Jack Smith."

The two guards looked like they had been slapped in the face, but they came back to there senses and asked, " What is your business in Port Royal?"

"Oh," said Jesse once again looking lost, "what are we here for again honey."

“Question marks, nitwit.”

Jack looked vaguely sick at being called honey but got over it, " Well luv, I'm here to commandeer one of these ships, get a crew in Tortuga, and do a bit of honest pirating.

Leigh sighed, “Pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasly black guts out, I think you mean.”

“Calling Jack honey.” Jira shook her head. “She’s just racking up the charges here.”

"I said no lies," said the guard looking confused.

"Um, I think he's telling the truth," said the other.

As the two guards argued Jack and Jesse noticed a girl in a velvet gown falling into the water below the cliff.

Leigh and Jira just looked at each other. “When was she wearing velvet?”

“I don’t know.” After arguing for a minute, the Sue stole Jack’s part and jumped in after Elizabeth. “Damn her. Seeing him dive is the best part of the movie.” Leigh growled as the they went down to the dock to watch Jack tear off Elizabeth’s corset.

"You've never been to Singapore," said Jack with a grin.

Jesse just rolled her eyes, but before either of them could say another word they felt a blade on the back of their necks.

Jira and Leigh watched poor Norrington’s sword split in the middle so it could touch the back of both Jack and Jesse’s necks at the same time. “Damn. Will’s going to have to make him another one after this.. That sword’s completely ruined.” Jira wrote another charge on the list for sword abuse.

On your feet," yelled Commodore Norrington to the two pirates.

“He wasn’t yelling. And where’d the other quote go?” Leigh was watching Norrington with a pleased expression.

“You lust after men in wigs.”

“Shut up.”

Jira glanced around. “Wait. Where’s Governor Swann?”

“Bugger if I know.”

They both stood up slowly and were both grabbed by the Commodore who was trying to keep them away from Elizabeth.

“He did no such thing!”

Jesse didn't really like to be held, by anyone, especially this grease ball. She started squirming and when he tried to get a better grip on her she tried to punch him.

He caught her wrist in mid air and examined it.

“Grease ball!” Jira grabbed Leigh as she went for the Sue. “Let go! I’ll kill her!”

“Yes you will. But not yet.” Jira held on until her partner stopped struggling.

"Your pirates," he said staring hard at her wrist were the P was branded on her hand, then Jack, walking over and grabbing his wrist, "Ah well, well, well Jack Sparrow isn't it," he asked.

“Ok, the action very confusing. I thought Norrington was holding both of them. Now he’s not. When did that happen?” Jira moaned looking between the Sue, Norrington, and Jack.

“I don’t know.”

Jack looked resentful at that mark, " Captain Jack Sparrow if you please," answered.

“Answered what?”

“And who, for that matter?”

"Here we go again," muttered Jesse, who found the situation quite funny and was busy putting her boots back on.

“Yes, because getting captured by someone who is well within their rights to hang you, very funny. Really. What an idiot.” Jira snarked at the Sue.

"I don't see your ship ... Captain," sneered the Commodore.

“You sank your ship.” Jira sang.

“Don’t taunt Jack.”

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself.”

"He said he'd come to commandeer one," said one of the guards, handing him Jack's belt and Pistol, and Jesse's sword and knives. The Commodore snorted when he examined the objects.

“And where did Jack’s sword go?” Agent Jira murmured..

“And why does Norrington have Jack’s pistol and belt anyway? Jack didn’t jump in the water, he should still be wearing them.”

"You are without doubt, the worst Pirates I've ever heard of," Norrington taunted.

"Ah, but you have heard of us," said Jesse standing up after tying her boots.

“Stealing more of Jack’s lines.”

“Got it.” Pencil scribbled across charge list.

"Correction," said Norrington, " I've heard of him," he said pointing at Jack, " who are you?"

“Haha!” Jira taunted softly. “You’re a nobody!” The Sue didn’t notice.

"Jessica Turner not at your service," she said bowing.

“Why do they think that’s a clever retort? The last one said that too.” Jira snarled. The repetition of that phrase was getting on her nerves.

“Because they are stupid and have no sense of irony or humor.” Leigh responded.

“Makes sense. But I‘m still charging for it.”

“Please do.”

Elizabeth looked a little shocked at her name but didn't say anything, the Commodore's face dawned in recognition also before he ordered, " Get some iron's.”

“I don’t want to see any more. Let’s go wait in the forge for them.” Jira tugged on her partner’s sleeve.

“What you don’t want to see her get taken hostage by Norrington when Jack grabs Elizabeth and then the highly improbable escape?”

“No, not really. I’m game for charging for screwing with physics and getting the hell out of here.” Jira tugged again as Jack threatened Elizabeth’s life with a chain.

“Good with me. Let’s go.” The PPC agents quickly snuck away and headed for Will’s forge.

When they opened the door Jira hissed at the heated air. “Very hot. Very very hot.”

Leigh pulled her inside. “Come on. We need to hide.” They found a dark corner and settled in to wait.

It didn’t take long.

They both entered the dark blacksmith's shop, it was only lit by a few lanterns and they could barely see but they noticed the walls covered with tools.

“Did they miss the big hot fire? Fire makes light.”

“Apparently, yes.”

"Ahhhh," said Jesse taking a step towards the tools, " sharp pointy objects." she said thinking of the Commodore.

“I’ll kill her!” Leigh growled starting to rise up.

“Not yet!” Jira pulled her back down. Jack and Sue looked over Mr. Brown for a second then let him be.

"Well," said Jack breaking the silence, " how bout those shackles?"

Jesse just nodded and went over to the furnace and lowered the chain between her wrist in the hot coals, when the chain glowed red she let Jack hit it with a sledge hammer, she trusted him enough not to flatten her hand to a pancake. An vole la, her trust paid off, the manacles were gone and only blisters remained.

“Hey a Vole!” Leigh said as the small furry animal ran across the forge and out.

"Woo who," shouted Jesse, " freedom, those things were quite uncomfortable." she said..

“No shit, Sherlock. They’re made to keep you from escaping. Hello.” Jira nudged Leigh, “Could she be anymore stupid?”

“Probably.”

“True.” During this time the Sue had been preparing to release Jack but hadn’t, as Will Turner came in.

“Hi Sweetie.” Jira drooled.

“Have you no shame?” Leigh looked at her questioningly.

“None at all.”

"Right where I left you," he muttered looking at Mr. Brown the blacksmith. But then he spotted the hammer resting against the furnace, "Not where I left you though," said Will looking puzzled.

As Will picked up the hammer the Sue slapped his hand with the flat of her sword.

“Hat. Not hammer. Hat.” Jira snarled at the Sue.

Will jumped back and came face to face with Jesse. "You," he stuttered, " your the one there looking for," he said, " your the pirates."

“What, how, oh…”

“I second that.”

"Actually," said Jack coming from a corner, " pirate's."

“No, he was right the first time.”

“She’s taking the Swordfight. I’m going to kill her! I love this part. How dare she?!” Now it was Jira who had to be restrained from showing herself prematurely.

“Mine, remember. You can’t have her. Don’t watch.”

Jira subsided to the floor, stuck her fingers in her ears and hummed. Leigh was stuck watching the Sue fight Will by herself. Eventually she tugged Jira’s notebook out of her pack and started charging. Jira ignored her completely..

“Practicing five hours a day, just to show up Will, stealing Jack’s fight, stealing more lines, getting them wrong, spitting on Will when he so kicked your ass…” Despite her claim to practicing five hours a day, Will quickly disarmed her. When he was pulling back for the final blow Jack put his pistol against Will’s neck.

Will exclaimed, "You cheated," looking at Jack aiming the gun between his eyes.

“Putting Will’s eyes at neck level…”

Jack sent him a look that said, `halloo pirate here' and answered, "Couldn't have you killing my first mate now could I."

“Taking out Jack’s ‘Pirate’ line.”

"Now Jack," said Jesse, " Don't go use'n are only bullet, when I so want to gut Barbossa and shoot him with it," she said imagining that moment and grinning insanely.

“You can’t gut someone with a gun. Simply not possible.”

Jack lowered the gun, "Don't worry boy, this shot's not ment for you."

“Misspelling meant.” Leigh glanced at her partner. “Very glad you can’t hear him mangling your favorite part because I want to kill her.”

True to the movieverse, Mr. Brown knocked Jack unconscious with his rum bottle and Norrington burst in, just in time to keep the Sue from killing Will’s master.

The Commodore sat there with a cocky grin on his face and said, " Gentlemen, you will always remember this as the day Jack Sparrow and Jesse Turner, almost, escaped.”

Leigh couldn’t help laughing out loud. Thankfully the noise from the forge plus the soldier’s was enough to keep her from being heard.

Jesse muttered under her breath, "scum sucker."

“For that I will give you a long, painful death. This I promise.” Leigh said with utter conviction. When Norrington told the Sue she’d be separated from Jack once jailed, she kicked him in the shin.

Leigh half rose in fury while Norrington sat there jumping on one leg and screamed, "Take them away, Now!"

“You will also pay for Norrington abuse. AN dmaking him sit and jump on one leg at the same time.” She wrote it down and pointed the CAD at him.. [Commodore James Norrington OOC 32.65%] “Huh. Not that bad.” She gave Jira a shove. Jira hummed louder. “Hey!”

Jira reluctantly removed her fingers and looked at the other agent. “Are they gone?”

“Yep.”

“Finally. I was running out of verses for A Pirate’s Life for Me.” Jira got up and helped Leigh do the same. Looks like the Sue’s going to Fort Charles, where ever that is, shall we follow?”

Leigh sighed. “I suppose we must.”

“Then we can be cursed undead pirates.” Jira smiled as she fiddled with the Portal.

“Then we kill her.” Leigh said as the stepped through. They entered just as the two sailors escorting Jesse managed to get her in her cell. Apparently she’d been screaming, kicking and biting the whole way.

Jira shook her head, “Doesn’t know the meaning of the word dignity, does she?”

“I’ll be glad to see that one hanged.” One sailor said to the other as they left her alone.

“So will I.”

“Hanging is so not painful enough.” Leigh responded.

“Ah, anyway you want to do fine with me. But the sentiment is there, all the same.” Jira watched the Sue trying to figure out a way out of the cell..

When she went to bang her head on the bars that was supposed to be the window she noticed an unnatural fog outside.

“Pretty sure the bars are on the window, not meant to be the window..”

“This is just sad.” Jira glanced at the Words. “Uh oh.”

“What?”

“More canon fire.”

“Not again.” Leigh moaned. “This is getting ridiculous.”

Then all the sudden the silence of the fog was broken by the sound of canon fire..

“I tell ya. I mean I’m no fan of priests really, but I’m not going to use them as weaponry.”

“That’s because you have a brain.”

“Thank you. Not that they really are any use as weapons in any case.”

Leigh just looked at her. “A somewhat twisted brain, but a brain.’

Then all she heard was the sound of a great massacre going on as the pirates killed any poor sole they saw on the streets.

“Pirates with a foot fetish.” Leigh snickered.

“Bad pun.”

“I didn’t write it.”

The two agents heard a loud thud above them. “What was that?”

*Above the dungeon in Elizabeth’s house* The author announced, shaking the walls.

“The Governor’s house.” Leigh said, coughing as dust rained down on two assassins.

Jira covered her face and sneezed repeatedly. “I thought this was a fort,” she wheezed after a moment.

“Since when did the Governor’s mansion have a dungeon?” Leigh replied hoarsely. They moved out of the way as Ragetti opened the dungeon’s door and came inside. For some unknown reason his wooden eye was squeaking something fierce.

“Hey, dumb ass, could you get me out of this,” said Jesse looking highly annoyed from the dirty bench she was sitting on.

“Yeah, that’s going to get cooperation.” Jira tried to shake dust out of her hair.

“Why should I,” he asked eyeing her.

“Still hasn’t figured out the question mark, has she?” Leigh was attempting to herself off but the house above was continually settling and making her efforts rather futile.

“Nope..” Jira responded as she shoved her hair into a ponytail and muttered under breath how long hair could be more trouble than it was worth.

“Because, one I have this,” she said pointing at the half of the golden medallion hanging from her neck, “ two, I demand parlay.”

“Why couldn’t he sense the medallion?”

“Because she cut it half.”

“Oh, interesting.”

Ragetti was cursing as he let the Sue out of her cell. He then promptly forgot that the whole point of Parley was to negotiate with the captain and Jesse-Sue had to remind him.. The assassins watched them leave. Jira fiddled with her portal while Leigh set the disguise generator to cursed undead pirates. “To the Pearl?” She said as Jira opened the portal.

“To the Pearl.” Jira grinned as the she stepped through. And promptly hissed at the Sue who was reassuring Elizabeth. “She made Elizabeth a coward! Did she even watch the movie?”

“As the strong female character, Elizabeth is a threat to the Sue’s I’m stronger than anyone especially the men, and therefore must be degraded to pathetic.” Leigh handed the charge list over to her partner. “Have fun.”

Jira promptly broke her pencil in her fury. That didn’t help her temper but was at least a distraction since all her others had long sense migrated to the bottom of her pack. Finally coming up with a new one, she looked up in time to see Jesse jump Bo’sun and attempt to beat up the unfeeling cursed undead pirate. He escaped and hid. “Making Elizabeth a coward, hurting the Bo’sun when we all know that’s not possible, being a pain in the ass,” she muttered as she wrote.

Jesse saw he escaped and growled with furry as three pirates came up behind her and pinned her two the ground.

“Growling with furry, calling the deck ground…” Thankfully the pirates were too busy holding the Sue down to notice one of there number laughing quietly into her hand and one writing frantically in a notebook.

"Black-Jack Jesse," said Barbossa, " I see you haven't changed."

“Defaming Jack’s name by using it as part of your pirate name, having a pirate name, existing…”

“At least she spelled Barbossa’s name right.” Leigh said softly.

“That won’t save her.” Jira slowly up the notebook up. “Get ready.”
“We’re taking her now?” Leigh looked at her partner’s furious face.

“Now..” Jira strode through the pirates as Elizabeth confronted Barbossa.

,"We have come to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal."

Now it was everyone else's turn to look at Elizabeth in amazement, Barbossa smiled at them and said, " There was a lot of long words in there miss, and we're naught but humble pirates.. What is it you want?"

"Really Barbossa didn't you ever go to school," said an exasperated Jesse, " she means she wants you to leave and never come back, duh."

Just as she finished, a female pirate in black sank her hand into Jesse’s ash brown hair, made and fist and jerked backwards. The Sue shrieked in pain and both hands scrabbled madly at her head. Jira twisted and pulled. Jesse kicked and struggled, but Jira one hand firmly wrapped in Sue-hair, which by it’s very nature is strong and resilient, hooked on leg over the Sue’s and pushed with her other hand. Jesse went face down on the deck of the Pearl, luckily landing on her hands. Jira kneeled on her back, while Leigh reset the coordinates of their portal.

Pointing at Barbossa, Jira said “You! Say I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request!” He stared at her. Jira, normally quiet and embarrassed in front of her favorite characters, in fury tended toward the theory of do as I say or regret it real fast. “Say it!”

He blinked at her for a second, until she slammed Jesse’s head into the hard wooden deck of the Pearl. Canon snapped back into place.

“Miss Turner, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means no.” The two agents could see Elizabeth regain her backbone.

Leigh helped Jira up, dragging the Sue with them by virtue of having a fistful of her hair. Leigh opened the Portal and said to her partner, “Charge her quick.”

They stepped through into blazing hot sunlight in the middle of the desert. Both were wearing sand colored robes and there was a large rock face looming up over them.

Jira slapped the Sue across face with her free hand. As Jesse sputtered and squinted, Jira turned her head to Leigh, indicated her tangled hand and said, “Little help here?”

Leigh pulled a gleaming dagger from her sheath, “You charge, I’ll cut you loose.’

Jira turned back to Jesse as Leigh started cutting through the hair tangling her fingers. “Jessica Turner, also known as Mary-Sue, you are hereby charge with the destruction of the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean. To whit: Being the second child of Bootstrap Bill, being Jack Sparrow’s one true love when we all know his love is the Black Pearl, making Captain Jack Sparrow 23 in the movie thereby altering time, changing physics, stealing Jack’s lines, stealing Jack’s rescue, changing what few lines you actually let him have, calling Norrington greasy…”

During this time Leigh had tied Jesse’s arms together, pulled them over her head and slammed a large metal stake between them. She’d also freed her partner’s hand and taken a goodly hunk of hair with it. She put the knife against the Sue’s throat. “Hurry up,” she Jira urged as the Sue kicked the ground and thrashed around. Hard.

Jira sped up.. “Hurting Commodore Norrington, insulting Commodore Norrington, making Elizabeth a coward and wimp so you can be the only strong female character, defaming Jack’s name by using it as part of your pirate name, having a pirate name, existing, growling with furry, calling the deck ground, hurting the Bo’sun when we all know that’s not possible, being a pain in the ass, practicing five hours a day, just to show up Will, stealing Jack’s fight, stealing more lines, getting them wrong, spitting on Will when he so kicked your ass…” She trailed off when she felt the desert tremble. Jira glanced at her Leigh then at the Sue, jumped to her feet and ran.. Leigh was right behind her as they headed for the rocks. The assassin yelled over her shoulder, “And some other stuff I don’t have time for you are condemned to die! Enjoy…” She and Leigh pulled themselves into an alcove on the rock face and climbed up as high as they could.

“This should be fun.” Leigh settled her sunglasses over her eyes and watched as Jesse-Sue screamed and kicked the ground trying to pulling her arms loose.

Jira’s eyes widened as she watched as something enormous under the sand headed toward the body on the sand. She tapped Leigh on the shoulder. “Is that what I think it is?”

Leigh smugly shoved her crysknife into its sheath. “Yep.”

“So we’re on Arrakis? And this would be Seitch Tabr?” Jira saw the worm sign disappear before it reached the Sue.

“Dune.. And yes, Sietch Tabr.”

With a roar of sound and an explosion of sand, Shai’hulud burst out of the sand huge mouthful of teeth engulfing the Sue. Jesse Turner--the Sue who would be really irritating, became a meal or at least a snack, for one of the great Sandworms of the desert.

Jira watched in awe. “Now that was an impressive kill.”

“Thanks.. I used to work here.” Leigh pulled out the portal and set it for home with a practiced motion.

“Quick and easy disposal method.” Jira said as they stepped back into their command center. “But it’s very hot here.” She shook sand from her uniform.

“Well what’s next?”

“I don’t want to know.”

[Author’s note: This one was very annoying. Leigh is completely responsible for the idea of killing a Sue on Arrakis. Sietch Tabr, Shai’Hulud, Arrakis, and cry knives are from Dune by Frank Herbert. The books and movies are very good and I highly recommend them. ]