Protectors of the Plot Continuum:
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
By [email protected]

I own neither the PPC nor Pirates of the Caribbean. Jay and Acacia own the first while Disney owns the second. My thanks for letting me play in this universe. Many, many accolades to Elena for her Betaing.

 

Pirates of the Caribbean: Secrets of the Caribbean

 

Jira and Leigh had been back from Arrakis for no more than ten minutes before the console went off again.

 

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEP! BEEP!] Jira, who still trying to brush sand out of her hair, jumped and shrieked. “Ai!” She strode over to the console and looked at it in alarm. “Scarlett Bane?! Nonononono… I want a shower.. I’m covered in sand and and what the hell?” She through up her hands in despair and nearly hit her partner Agent Schmuckleigh in the head with her hair brush.

 

“Hey!” Leigh ducked the waving brush, and glanced over the words. “Oh that’s just…” She glanced at Jira, “What’s the word? Oh yeah, horrible.”

 

“I completely agree.” Jira sighed and shook her head. “Shall we?”

 

“I guess we have too.”

 

The two agents grabbed their packs, adjusted their disguises for the Black Pearl pre Isla de Muerta and stepped through the portal.

 

Onto the Black Pearl. “Well this look familiar.” Jira remarked.

 

“I wonder why?”

 

Two ropes were tossed over the Pearl's starboard side, and they were hastily grabbed a hold of by the two pirates cloaked in shadows.

 

“Ooh, shadow cloaks. I want one.” Jira said as she peered over the side of the Pearl.

“I think it’s just melodramatic writing. Not something you can steal.”

 

“Oh fine.” Jira and Leigh watched the two pirates climb up the side of the ship. Jack Sparrow, who was as yet unidentified, finished climbing up his rope, coiled it and handed it to Jira, who promptly shoved it in her backpack.

“Why are you stealing his rope?” Leigh asked..

 

“I’m not stealing it. It was a gift.”

 

“Why a rope?”

 

“He touched it. I‘m keeping it.”

 

“Obsessive.”

 

His heart skipped a beat when their seven pursuers came into sight, sprinting toward the Black Pearl. Cursing aloud, he looked down at the lithe figure climbing the remaining rope.

 

Jira pulled out her notepad. “Describing yourself as lithe. Making the Pearl a much smaller ship so it could be close enough to run to. Giving poor Jack heart trouble.”

 

“And we’re only in the prologue.”

 

Their pursuers would be upon the ship before she even reached within two feet of the bulwark.

 

“Couldn’t they just pull her up? You know like they did with Jack? In the movie?” Leigh asked Jira who was flipping through her pocket dictionary…

 

“Bulwark: the side of a ship above the upper deck -- usually used in plural.” Jira glanced over the side again. “So why is she climbing to the upper deck, anyway? I’d climb to the lower deck because, you know, closer.”

He only had one remaining choice.

 

“Kill her!”

 

"Scarlett, toss it to me!" The climbing figure looked up sharply, briefly pausing in her long climb. He knew she could hear their pursuers coming; of everyone on the Black Pearl, she had the keenest hearing.

 

“Having the keenest hearing on the Pearl.” Jira muttered.

 

Even though Scarlett-Sue was only two feet from the top Captain Sparrow yelled "I said, throw it to me!" The Sue removed a stone from between her breasts and threw it too him.

 

“Eww!”

 

“I can’t believe he touched it.”

 

“Oh gross, Jack.” Jira gave a whole body shiver to shake off the disgust... “Really. Oh, ah, meh.”

 

"Good-bye, Scarlett," he whispered to the wind. With the flick of his wrist, the sword that had been hanging at his side was unsheathed and the blade cut into the wooden railing as it sliced the thick rope into two pieces..

 

“She made him hurt the Pearl! Oh she must die.” Jira, besides being a Jack and Will Luster, adored the Black Pearl.

 

“That’s why we’re here.”

 

“Oh yeah.”

 

The surprised shout of Scarlett Bane, followed by a loud splash, brought all on deck to a standstill...

 

“You fell in the water.” Leigh sang out…

 

“Ha ha!” Jira pointed and laughed.

 

The captain of the Black Pearl glared at them all angrily. "What are you standing around for!" he shouted at his crew. "Get going!" The crew snapped back to reality..

“If only.”

 

“What is it with Sue’s and Jack angst anyway?” Jira muttered. They watched Jack stumble off to his cabin.

 

“I don’t know. There’s Bootstrap.” Leigh pointed to the man now standing in front of Jack’s cabin door as distraction.

 

“Ooh.” Sadly the only description Bootstrap got was ‘a large man’, so he looked pretty much like Will, only larger.

 

The assassins walked up to the cabin door and listened. Inside, Bootstrap was being gallant on the Sue's behalf. "Captain, we can't just leave her there!" he exclaimed, looking at his captain with utter disbelief. "I know what she means to you, so I'm certain that-"

 

“Is it me, or does this one have a problem with caps?” Jira whispered for no apparent reason since the canon characters couldn’t hear her anyway...

 

"Stick to the code, Bootstrap," the captain growled. “We stick to the code.”

 

“At least she knows what question marks are for.” Leigh said as the assassins moved aside to let Bootstrap leave the cabin.. “And now angsty Jack will swallow a whole glass of rum in one go,” she observed after a glance at the words.

 

Jira nodded, “Yeah, uh huh. We should get to Port Royal before the time shift.”

“How far is it?”

 

“Seven years, and after the movie.” Jira fiddled with the Portal device and jumped through. Agent Leigh followed her partner into the streets of Port Royal.. Having experienced the headaches and shaking that habitually came with a timeshift, Jira swallowed two Tylenol and leaned against a building for support. Leigh pressed her head to the nearest wall and held on, fingers gripping stone as seven years passed in an instant.

 

“Bright lady in the morning…” Jira swore after the shaking had stopped.

 

“So where next?”

 

Jira looked over the Words, “Well, she’s in a tavern doing a Strider impression.. We could go there, but she’s going to Norrington’s office next and we could just wait there.”

 

“Norrington. Definitely Norrington.” Leigh pulled out her disguise generator and reset their disguises for Port Royal townswomen.

 

“We’ll miss the first description of her hair and eyes.” Jira rolled her eyes as she spoke.

 

“Well that’s a tragedy.”

 

“Yes it is. Shall we portal?”

 

“I think we shall.”

 

And they did. Or attempted to, as Jira tripped over the edge of the portal and fell through with a yell, ending up flat on her face in Norrington‘s office, which would have been nothing more than embarrassing if Leigh, coming through, hadn’t tripped over her and landed directly in the Commodore’s lap.

 

Commodore Norrington had been having a perfectly normal if busy day, when there was a shriek from his floor. Before he could do more than turn in the direction of the sound, a young woman appeared out of nothingness, tripped of something invisible and fell, swearing, into his lap. The woman stared at him, flushed bright red, and jumped off his lap as if she’d been burned.

 

“Commodore…” Leigh stuttered, her face burning. Her partner was being no help at all, still lying on the floor laughing..

 

He rose, one hand on his sword, and said “Madam, who are you and how did you get into my office?”

 

Leigh backed up. “Uhh, well. I know you won’t believe this but I’m here to help.” She whispered frantically to her partner, “Get up.”

 

Jira finally got to her feet and made her way to the door, carefully avoiding Norrington, as not to attract his attention.

 

Norrington watched the strange woman whisper at the floor. ‘She must be mad’ he thought. “Madam, I will only ask this once more. How did you get into this office?”

 

Leigh looked at his sword hand, then his determined face. She held up her hands while she tried to think of a reasonable explanation. “Ahh… screw it. Sea turtles..”

 

“What?” He stared at her in confusion.

 

“Sea turtles.” Jira jerked the door open behind her. “Bye.” Leigh fled out the door, followed by her laughing partner, who slammed the door before the Commodore could follow. The

two agents flattened themselves against the stone wall of the corridor as he peered out.

 

A nameless sentry came over to him. “Sir, is everything all right?”

 

Norrington shook his head. "Yes, fine," he replied. "I think, he muttered, retreating back into his office.

 

As the door shut, Jira leaned her head against the stone wall and laughed.

 

Leigh glared at her. “Shut up! It wasn’t that funny.”

 

“It so was.” Jira dissolved into a fit of giggles. “Sea turtles? I can’t believe you said that. I cannot believe it.” She clutched her sides.

 

Leigh waited for her partner’s fit to die down. After a minute she said, “It wasn’t that funny.”

 

“Oh it was, you should have seen your face. Bright red, I tell you, and right in his lap.” She looked up. “Was it comfy?”

 

“Well yes it… I mean shut up.” Leigh considered banging her head on the wall.

Jira only laughed harder.

 

And who would come upon them but the Sue. Scarlett Bane, covered head to toe in a robe and hood.. She gave the two women, barely a passing glance as she walked by, a sentry proceeding her. He didn’t give them any type of glance since he couldn’t see them. He knocked on Norrington’s door and announced the Sue.

 

"Tell them to come tomorrow. I would be more than willing to speak with them then."

"He insists that what he has to say would be of utmost importance to you, and that it cannot wait another minute."

 

The sentry had just disappeared from the doorway when a cloaked figure stepped inside. The cloak's hood was pulled over the caller's head, obscuring their face. Patiently, the cloaked figure closed the door.

 

Jira and Leigh watched this. Jira looked at her partner, “Couldn’t think of another word for cloaked, could she?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Doesn’t have access to a thesaurus, poor Sue.”

 

“Very sad.” Leigh leaned against the door. “I can’t hear anything.”

 

Jira consulted the words. “Heavy oak door. Sorry. Not like we’re missing much, beyond description number two, Still blonde, green eyed. And she’s telling Norrington who she is and where Jack’ll be.”

 

“Where’s that?”

 

“Here apparently, because it’s a full moon.”

 

Leigh looked confused. “What does that have to do with anything?”

 

Jira shrugged, “Jack’s a were-pirate? Only comes on shore to pillage and plunder during the full moon? I don’t know…”

 

“He’s going to catch Jack on the beach.”

 

“To the beach!” The two assassins left with Leigh in the lead. They hadn’t been there long when Bane, Norrington and a bunch of soldiers appeared..

 

Scarlett Sue was staring across the water. “There they are.”

 

Commodore Norrington glanced at Scarlett Bane. “Where?” he asked, scanning the horizon for the Black Pearl. “I don’t see the ship anywhere..”

 

Scarlett stared at him with a look of indignation. “You honestly expected Jack to bring the Black Pearl right up to the docks, tie her up, and then leave her there until morning?” She shook her head with a wry smile. “And here I thought you were much smarter than that.” She pointed to the far right.. “No, if you look carefully, you can see two rowboats coming, and if you look even further, you can just barely see the prow of the Black Pearl behind those cliffs.”

 

“Making Norrington an idiot, when he knows the Pearl is far to big to pull up to the docks even if her Captain were stupid enough to do so.” Jira muttered..

 

“Bit of a long charge.”

 

“No more than she deserves.”

 

“Yes, I see them now.” The Commodore turned to his men and gave them their orders. The score of men quickly spread out. The Commodore and Scarlett stayed where they were. “I believe a thanks is in order,” he said, holding his hand out.

 

“Just one?” Leigh snarked.

Scarlett gripped it firmly and shook it.

 

“Great now he’s got Sue-cooties.”

 

“Is Sueage really that contagious?’

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised.” Jira glowered at the Sue and wrote another charge. Leigh looked over her shorter partner’s shoulder.

 

“Giving Norrington Sue-Cooties?” Leigh asked. “Is that even a charge?”

 

“It is now.”

 

“Remember, you are only to catch Jack Sparrow. The crew is to report back to their ship. If I see even one member of Jack’s crew harmed, I will personally see to it that-”

 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure he’s terrified of you..” Leigh muttered..

 

“You’ve no need for threats, my lady,” the Commodore cut in. “I understand the terms of our agreement, and my men have been told of them as well. They will not lay a finger on any member of the crew.”

 

“Making Norrington forget his duty, and only caring about catching Jack.” Jira’s pencil scratched across paper.

 

“Forget the rest of them. After all they’re only, wait, pirates.” Leigh glared more fiercely at Scarlett.

 

“Good,” Scarlett replied. Her gaze traveled to the sandy beach beyond where she knew the two rowboats would pull up. “I think I’ll stick around to watch.” And without another word, she disappeared into the shadows..

 

“Another charge of thinking yourself to be Strider.”

 

The Commodore sighed, questioning himself as to why he was trusting a pirate.

 

“Good boy, Commodore. Question more.” Jira watched Norrington shake his head he watched the rowboats land on the beach.

 

“Even the Canon characters question the logic of this story.”

 

“I don’t blame them.” The assassins went silent as three people climbed out of each of the boats, one with a parrot. The silence didn't last. “Think she knows that you can fit a bunch of people into a rowboat?”

 

“Doubtful. Or two people and a bunch of oars.” Jira snickered..

 

The six men made their way up the beach and onto the docks. None spoke a word as they all followed silently behind their Captain, who swung his head back as he took a long drink from a flagon of rum.

 

“Pretty.” Jira said gazing upon her lust object.

 

“Why, after landing on the beach did they walk to the docks?”

 

“Who knows?”

 

Suddenly, the small group was surrounded as Commodore Norrington’s men dashed from their hiding places, weapons at the ready. When all looked secure, the Commodore stepped from his hiding place and strode into the small ring.. “We meet again, Jack Sparrow,” he replied smugly.

 

“She made Norrington a fraidy cat.” Leigh complained..

 

“I’m charging, I’m charging.” Jira said.

 

The look of displeasure was evident on Jack’s face. He rolled his eyes, leaning to the right as he did so. “Captain,” he said. “Captain Jack Sparrow.”

 

“Why must that line come up in every fanfic? Why?” Jira cried out in supplication..

 

Leigh jumped, then patted her partner on the shoulder. “It’s okay. Really.”

 

The Commodore ignored Jack and looked to the five men standing behind him. “You five are to return to your ship, and you have my word that you will not be harmed, but do know that if I see so much as a hair from your heads in Port Royal again, you will be taken into custody.”

 

“Fffffffffffffff…” Jira hissed through her teeth.

 

Jack Sparrow’s eyebrows rose high on his forehead as he drunkenly looked over his shoulder to his men.

 

Both assassins watched as Jack’s eyebrows broke loose from their places and fled up his forehead, stopping only when they reached his hairline.

 

Jira winced.. “That looked unpleasant.”

 

“Yes, yes it did,” Leigh responded, flinching at the sight. “And why must everything Jack does have the adjective Drunken on it.”

 

“Well I think we’ve already established that this idiot wouldn’t know a thesaurus if it bit her on the ankle.”

 

The man directly behind him, Mr. Gibbs, looked at Jack with a furrowed brow. “We will not leave our Captain behind,” he said firmly..

 

“Are we forgetting the last, what two times you did?” Jira asked.

 

“They came back for him.”

 

“That’s not the point.” At this point Norrington ordered the five pirates back to the Pearl and Jack, with another repetition of the Captain complaint, to be taken away. They did not take his weapons, or up him irons. “Jack so would have escaped.” Leigh complained softly…

 

“Yep.”

 

Scarlett watched in silent pleasure as Jack Sparrow was led away between five men, Commodore Norrington walking behind them with a hand resting on the pistol at his side. She smiled and looked to the cluster of men surrounding Jack. “I’ll be seeing you, Jack,” she whispered. “And much sooner than you may think.”

 

“Thank you, miss melodrama. Stupid Angsty Sue.” Jira hissed as they watched..

 

“Bloody annoying, that one is.”

 

“Channeling Spike, are we?” Jira asked with a smile.

 

“Yes, yes we are.”

 

“And who’s we?” Jira said as the two of them walked into the night..

 

Jack Sparrow lazily twirled the empty flagon of rum around and around, watching in utter boredom.. He had been in this very same cell quite a few months ago, and, unfortunately, the door had been fixed and made out of a new metal, meaning that even if Will Turner came to bust him out again, he would not be able to do it in the same manner as he had last time.

 

“He didn’t look so bored last time.” Leigh said, glaring at the Words.

 

Jira was busy tapping on the cell’s door. “So what kind of metal do you think this is? Electrum, maybe?”

 

“I don’t know what that is.” Leigh replied.

 

“Alloy of silver and gold.”

 

“Can’t imagine that would make a good door.” Leigh shook her head..

 

“I’d expect not. But what other new metal could it be?” Jira, very confused, tried to scratch a piece off the bars.

 

“Steel?”

 

“Pretty sure steel’s been around awhile. Also Will’s the blacksmith.. He probably made the doors. I’m sure he could get them open again,” Jira said as a fingernail tore. “Shit.”

 

“I really don’t think they’d let him make them again.”

“He’s the best though.”

 

“Good point. So he could probably get them open even if he didn’t make them..”

 

“Very likely.” During this exchange, Jack was noticing the two other prisoners in jail with him, one of whom was trying to call key-dog with a bone. “You know, that’s bloody irritating..” Jira murmured.

 

Any answer her partner might have made was interrupted by the door at the top of the stairs flying open, two guards falling down the stairs and Jack saying “Déjà vu.”

 

“Here she comes,” Leigh said as the assassins backed out of the way and found a dark corner to watch from.

 

Jack promptly lay down as he heard a pair of footsteps came down the stairs, and, from the sound of it, step onto one of the soldier’s arms, crushing the bones.

 

“Oh that’s just horrible!” Jira moaned..

 

“This Sue’s disgusting.” Leigh shook her head trying to drive the sound from her brain.

Bane was talking to Jack now. “I know you’re awake, Jack.” She was still wearing the Strider wanna be cloak.

 

Jira nudged her partner. “You know he dreams about her voice at night.”

“That’s fabulous. Really. Gag me now.” Leigh grabbed her partner’s arm before Jira could do more than pull a piece of scarf out of her bag. “Not literally.”

 

“Scarlett, love,” he said huskily.

 

Jira handed the scarf to Leigh. “Gag me,” she said seriously.

 

She reached up and removed her hood so she could glare at him openly.. “Don’t start with me, Jack,” she warned, her tone of voice masking his.

 

“That makes no sense.”

 

“Which part?”

 

“Either. Both.” Jira glared at the Sue. “It makes no sense period..”

 

“I’m not here to get you out.”

 

“No duh.”

 

Jack frowned, understanding flickering across his eyes. “Ah, so you’re the Commodore’s informer.”

 

Both assassins snickered as the word ‘understanding’ raced across Jack’s dark eyes, flickering like a dying neon sign.

 

“That’s fabulous.” Leigh said.

 

“Indeed.”

 

She smirked.. “You deserved to be caught,” she spat..

 

“More spitting. That is so gross.” Jira said..

 

“Come on, darlin’, can’t we put the past behind us, now?” His eyes stared into hers, and Scarlett noticed the all-too familiar gleam. She had once melted whenever he had looked at her that way, but not anymore.

 

“He can melt her! She’s a witch!” Leigh laughed.

 

“Try that again with a B.” Jira said.

 

“You left me,” she growled, folding her arms across her chest. She smiled at the disappointment in his eyes as he realized his only chance of getting to her was not going to work. “And to top it off, it was you who cut the rope..” She lurched forward, bracing her hands against the door, and leaned forward so she was an inch from Jack’s face.

 

“Whine, whine, whine. Newsflash, nobody cares!”

 

“Eww… Sue breath.” Jira said.

“You, Jack, it was all you. You cut the rope, you left me there, and even you were the cause as to why I was climbing so slowly that night. It was all because of you, Jack. All because of you.”

 

“Jeez, this one’s a whiny-ass pain in the tail.” Leigh complained..

 

“Angsty-Sue. So very irritating. And has she even heard of the Code?”

 

“She’s stupid.”

 

“Think clearly, love. How could I have been the cause as to why you were so slow that night seven years ago?” He reached up to stroke her face but she stepped backward, away from him.

 

“Think about it,” she hissed. “Think real hard, Jack.” When he continued to stare at her, she scowled, shaking her head.

 

“Oh no… She is so not using pregnancy as a plot-device.” Jira put her head in her hands.

 

“That’s so predictable.”

 

“And irritating.”

 

“Forget it,” she grumbled.

 

“Not without lots and lots of liquor, I won’t.”

 

“I’ll join you.”

 

“I’ll grab some rum when we’re next on the Pearl.”

 

“Excellent.”

 

They watched the Sue go sweet and friendly with key-dog.

 

“Ick.” Jira muttered.

 

“I second that ick completely and totally.”

 

“What do ye plan on doin’ wit’ those keys?” the older man in the other cell asked, smiling at her. She couldn’t help noticing the fact that the man was missing all his teeth except three. She turned her back on him.

 

“Now that’s not very nice.”

 

“Pirates not really known for dental work.”

 

Jack smiled at her, not letting his gaze travel to the keys that he so desperately wanted to get his hands on. “What are you planning to do with those?” he asked.

 

“Well, considering her past history…” Jira trailed off as the Sue gave the keyring a spin.

 

“I can only think of one place I would love to put them,” she replied seductively, smiling.

 

“Hey, I was right!” Jira grinned at her partner. Leigh gave her a ‘you are very strange

person’ look.

 

The smile on Jack’s face didn’t falter. “So you do still have feelings for me then.”

 

“Yes, Jack. Apparently they tend toward the ‘want to hang you and steal your ship’ type feeling. But certainly feelings.”

 

Jira looked over at Leigh. “She hasn’t gone after the Pearl yet.”

 

“Soon.”

 

Jira gave the Sue a nasty look. “When she does, we take her.”

 

“Fine by me.”

 

They watched the Sue angst at Jack a minute longer. Jira turned to Leigh, “I’m bored. Let’s portal to the Pearl.”

 

Leigh glanced back at the Sue, then her partner. “Okay, I’m game.”

 

Jira had the portal opening in seconds. As they left they could hear the Sue chugging the last of Jack’s rum as a taunt.

 

The PPC agents had a little time on the Pearl before the Sue showed up. After a minute, Jira looked at Leigh. “So. What shall we do?”

 

“Hm…” Leigh looked thoughtful. “Let’s go find and steal some of Jack’s rum.”

 

“Good plan.” Jira glanced around the deck. “To the Captain’s cabin?”

 

“Aye!” Laughing, the two assassins slipped through the pirates on deck and into Captain Sparrow’s cabin.

 

“Shall we rifle through his stuff?” Jira said once the door shut.

 

“Yes, I think we shall.” Leigh grinned. And they did. The rum wasn’t hard to find, several unopened bottles in a crate under the bed.

 

Jira grabbed one and passed the other to her partner. “Yo ho, yo ho. A pirates life for me.” They clinked the bottles together. “When we get back,” Jira said sadly as she put her in her pack.

 

Leigh put her own bottle away and looked out the door. “Well, looks like the single ray of the sun is basking the Pearl. The Sue'll be giving herself rope burn any second.”

 

Jira joined her at the cabin door. “That looks very strange,” she observed.. True to the Words, the sun was basking the Pearl in a ray of glory. This strange turn of phrase was manifesting as a ray of sunlight moving up and down the Black Pearl, covering it in little bits of golden glitter and singing “Glory, glory, hallelujah!” Jira blinked and rubbed her eyes, “Very, very strange.”

 

“Could not agree more,” Leigh said as she shook her head. The two agents stepped out on deck, both jumping when a loud caw sounded loud and clear.. “Cotton’s parrot appears to have before a crow.”

 

Jira turned to look. Sure enough, the parrot had become a crow. It’s bright blue feathers turned dark, body shifting. Jira got out her notebook. “Hurting a helpless, if annoying parrot by turning it into a crow.

 

The Sue, who had been sneaking up on Mr. Cotton, now lunged at him. At this point, the crow-parrot, pissed off at having a species change, attacked her and cut a deep gash in her arm. “Whoo!” Jira cheered it on, as the rest of the crew surrounded the Sue.

 

She frowned.. “Who are all of you?” she asked, looking at each face in turn, hoping she had been mistaken. “Where are Jacobs and Barbossa, Bootstrap and Connelly?”

A look of surprise flashed across the eyes of every crewmember.

 

“Again with the flashy eyes,” Jira hissed.

 

“And I doubt every crew member on this ship would know Bootstrap or Barbossa.” Leigh said as she watched Scarlett-Sue explaining that they had been her old crew mates.

 

“So not!” Seven years ago. “Don’t think so, dumbass.”

 

“You know Jack? How is he?” the man asked quickly, moving closer to her with each word.

 

“I can’t even begin to get into the problems with that sentence.”

 

Scarlett stumbled to her feet and backed away.

 

“And here I thought they had her surrounded.” Jira said softly. After another minute of listening to the Sue, she turned and wandered off.

 

Leigh looked at her. “Jira. Jira! Hey, come back.” Her partner ignored her, leaning against the door to the captain’s cabin gazing off at the ocean.. Anamaria very nearly hit the Sue as Leigh joined her partner. “What are you doing?”

 

Jira stared through her for a few seconds then said, “I’m bored. This is the most dull, uninteresting, boring, stupid Sue I’ve ever had.” She gestured at the Sue who’d just made Joshamee laugh. “I mean really. Most of them at least hold my interest while I’m trying to kill them, but this one…” She made a face as Gibbs and the Sue walked towards them and then moved off the door and out of the way as they went into the cabin. Leigh stuck her foot in the door so they could still hear the dialogue.

 

“Here we are, lass.” Gibbs sat on the bed beside her and began cleaning the wound. Scarlett hissed in pain, wincing. “What, you expected it to be painless? What kind of a pirate are ye?” Gibbs joked.

 

“A really pathetic one, I’d say.” Jira muttered from the starboard side of the door.

“I’d have to agree.” Leigh said leaning against the wood on the opposite side.

 

He finished wrapping the wound in a makeshift wrap and patted her on the shoulder. “All done. You just lie right here while me and the crew ‘ave a meetin’.” He stood to leave, but Scarlett called for him to stop.

 

“Amazing how she call for him to stop without saying anything.” Jira said softly as Gibbs opened the door.

 

“A meeting on what?” she asked curiously.

 

Gibbs smiled warmly. “Jack’s situation. We ain’t just gonna let him die in that cell. We’re gonna do something about it.”

 

Scarlett frowned. Why the hell not? She thought, but said instead, “What about the code? You know, the code where you leave the stragglers behind?”

 

“Technically, he’s captured, not straggling.”

 

“Would have been more interesting if she’d said what she was thinking.”

“Well, she’s angsty. Which apparently is another word for dull.”

 

“How about pointless?” Leigh suggested.

 

“That’s excellent description of this fic. I completely agree.”

 

Gibbs shrugged, his smile growing. “We consider the code to be more like guidelines, really. Sleep well, now!” And he ducked out the door. The two agents watched him walk across the deck. Leigh put her foot back in the door.

 

Scarlett stared at the closed door in disbelief. “Guidelines?” If the code was now considered ‘guidelines’, how was she going to convince this new crew to leave Jack behind?

 

Jira stared at the mostly closed door in ice cold fury. “You aren’t. Because I’m going to kill you.” Her slow smile held no humor. And her eyes burned.

 

Leigh looked uncomfortable. Her partner’s last display of temper had had her beating the Sue with the deck of the Pearl. But this wasn’t a display of temper.. This was hatred. Cold enough to burn. “So you want to get drunk?” Leigh asked brightly.

 

Jira glanced up. “Sure.”

 

The next morning found the two assassins lying on the deck of the Black Pearl. Leigh woke to the sound of cursing from her right. She rolled over to face her partner who was lying on her stomach watching Bane talk to Will and swearing creatively under her breath.

“Should I even say good morning or would that be a waste of breath?” Leigh asked.

 

Jira looked over at her partner. “It’s not a good morning. And I really need to remember to bring a blanket or something to sleep on. The deck’s rather uncomfortable.”

 

Leigh nodded.. “This is true.” She gestured at the Sue, “So what’s going on?”

 

“Well, Will’s here to break Jack out. And the dumb bint’s gaining his trust by helping. Even though she hates Jack.”

 

Scarlett straightened, her appearance and stance changing from the seductive temptress to the cocky pirate.

 

“Slut.”

“I know my way around this ship well,” she replied truthfully. “After all, I did once live on it.” She smiled and added, “Though I believe I know my way around Jack’s cabin much better than the rest of the Pearl.” This last statement seemed to have caught both Will and Gibbs off guard. She shook her head, the smile disappearing from her face. “Enough games,” she said abruptly. “What will it take to convince you of my sincerity?” She looked between both men, searching their faces..

 

“As I said before.”

 

Will uncertainly looked to Gibbs, who gave Scarlett a calculative look. “Help us,” he finally said, glancing at Will from the corner of his eye. “Help us free Jack from his prison cell in Port Royal and I’ll believe ye whole-heartedly.”

 

Jira was staring at Joshamee’s face. She looked at Leigh, “What in the name of the demon Gachnar does a calculative look mean?”

 

“Calculating?”

 

“Piss poor way of saying it.”

 

Will furrowed his brow and looked to Scarlett and then back to Gibbs. “You can’t honestly expect me to work with her?” he asked incredulously. “She’s…”

“Stupid?”

 

“Irritating?”

 

“Dull?”

 

“A shit festering whore?”

 

Leigh glanced at her partner, “Damn.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“If you were thinking the word prostitute, erase it from your mind,” Scarlett said dryly. “I’m no one’s prostitute. I don’t give away any part of me for gold.”

 

“I believe I said shit festering whore.”

 

“And I doubt she’s worth that much.”

 

“Certainly,” Gibbs said with a brisk nod. “So, do we have an accord or not?”

 

“Just say no!”

 

Scarlett’s lips tipped up in a smile while she racked her brain anxiously. Helping Jack escape would only dig herself deeper into this situation than she wanted to be. He’ll never let me hear the end of it.

 

“Good.”

 

But if she didn’t, no one on the Black Pearl would trust her. How could such an easy plan become so complicated?

 

“Because your plan sucks.”

 

Biting back a sigh, she nodded. “Certainly. I hate to think of Jack locked in a prison cell.” I’d prefer to think of him as a resident in Hell..

 

“Yeah, yeah”

 

“I can work alone,” Will said, giving Gibbs a look that could melt ice.

“I’m so certain you could,” Scarlett spoke up. “However,” she held a finger in the air, “I am interested as to how you would go about it. There will be, for sure, enough guards there to fill an entire tavern. So please, enlighten me. Are your fencing skills so great you can fight off all those men, rescue Jack, and get back to this ship safe and unseen?”

 

“Yes, yes they are.”

 

Will looked at her in exasperation. “How would you go about it?” he asked tightly.

She smirked and turned around as if she was a runway model. “I am a woman,” she replied. “Enough said.”

 

“Actually that clarifies nothing.” Jira said as she got to her feet. She picked up her backpack and head across the deck. The Sue and Will had already left to go free Jack.

Leigh got up and followed her. “So what are we doing?”

 

“We’re going to skip a bit.”

 

“Can we do that?” Leigh looked skeptical as they entered Jack’s recently vacated cabin.

Jira sat down at the table and started going through her pack. “We won’t be missing anything. They retrieve Jack after Scarlett uses her uber woman power to slaughter Jack’s guards.” She pulled a small glass bottle of clearish liquid out of her bag and set it on the table. The label on it said Lagocephalus scleratus. She went back to looking through her pack. “Then they meet Elizabeth at the smithery.”

 

“Smithery. Interesting new word, I think.”

 

“No doubt. Anyway, they meet, they come back here, Jack drinks four bottles and a glass of rum in about ten minutes...”

 

“After which he gets alcohol poisoning and dies…”

 

“Yeah. You can tell this person’s not old enough to even think about drinking yet.” Jira said as she pulled out a round Tupperware container and a small paint brush. “She steals his hat and puts him to bed, after which she and will have meaning full conversation about their respective ages, she thinks he’s 28, and in the morning she plans to steal the Pearl.” During this time Jira had popped open the container and taken a metal throwing dart out.. The dart was about three inches long, steel tipped, with an electric blue and silver flights.

 

Leigh whistled.. “Pretty.”

 

Jira laid the dart on the table and took up the paint brush. “Um hm.” She uncorked the glass bottle and dipped the brush in the liquid. Carefully she ran the brush over the steel tip of the dart, letting the thick liquid coat the metal.. She let the liquid dry for a minute, turned the dart over and coated the other side.

 

“So what is that anyway?”

 

“Surprise for Sue of our acquaintance.” Her smile was malevolent.

 

Leigh watched her partner replace her supplies, being exquisitely careful with the wet paint brush which she wrapped in plastic and the placed in a sandwich baggie. The coated dart was left on the table for the moment.

 

“All right. I think we’re ready.” Jira hung her pack over on shoulder and as Leigh got out the portal device.

 

“Tomorrow?”

 

Jira picked up the dart, very carefully. “Let’s go.”

 

They stepped out straight into the confrontation between Jack and Bane-Sue.

 

“You…” He swayed for a moment, racking his brain for a witty remark, but nothing came to mind. Damn that smile of hers! “You stole me ship..”

 

Scarlett snorted, staring at him in disbelief. “Thank you for stating the obvious, Captain.” She so wanted to laugh out loud at that moment. “But, really, I didn’t steal it: I borrowed it, although you can’t really call this borrowing seeing as you are on board, so really I’ve just taken control of the ship OW!” She shrieked as a steel tip embedded itself in the small of her back.

 

“Bullseye,” Jira smirked as Scarlett scrabbled at her back trying to pulled the dart out. The assassins climbed up the stairs to the helm, Jira nudging Jack lightly out her way. “Excuse me, Captain Sparrow.” He stepped aside. Jira strode to Scarlett Bane and jerked the dart out.

The Sue glared at her, “What are you doin tt meee…?” Her voice slurred and her hands went to her mouth. Jira pulled Jack’s hat off Scarlett’s head and tossed to Leigh.

Leigh handed the leather hat to Jack. He stared at her. “Thanks very much.”

 

Leigh smiled brightly. “Welcome.” She watched Scarlett’s muscles start to tremble and tense.

 

Jira opened a portal behind the Sue. “Scarlett Bane, you are being formally charged as a Mary-Sue by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Let’s go.” She pushed the tense and gasping Sue through the portal and stepped after her.. Leigh waved at Jack before following her partner into the portal.

 

And stepped out into the cavern of Isla de Muerta. “Pretty.”

 

Jira stood over the Sue smirking. “Oh yeah. You want to charge?”

 

“In a minute. What’d you do?”

 

“Tetrotoxin.” Jira said grinning evilly at the Sue. “Pufferfish.. Fugu.”

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“I’m not. It’s pufferfish poison. A neurotoxin that causes, among other things a descending paralysis, convulsions, respiratory failure and funnily enough, feelings of doom.” She kicked the Sue in the leg. “Are you having feeling of doom yet?” Scarlett stared at her, fear showing plainly in her expression.

 

“Fabulous.” Leigh pulled out the charge sheet. “Here we go. Should I hurry, Jira?”

Jira shook her head. “Take all the time you need. This could take hours.” She continued grinning at Scarlett.

 

“Good. Okay then, Scarlett Bane, you are officially charged with disrupting the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean by being a Mary-Sue, causing time distortions, disrupting the characters of Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Joshamee Gibbs, Elizabeth Swann, Anamaria, Commodore James Norrington and the Black Pearl. You have also caused time distortion i.e. making the movie happen only seven years after the mutiny at least, when anyone with half a brain knows it was ten years, describing yourself as lithe, making the Pearl a much smaller ship so it could be close enough to run to giving poor Jack heart trouble when he’s already got enough problems with all you Sues after him, having the keenest hearing on the Pearl, being incredibly melodramatic, being an angsty Sue, having the most disinteresting dialogue we’ve ever heard.” Leigh stopped as the Sue convulsed on the gold littered floor, spittle flying from her mouth. “Is she going to live for me to finish this?”

“I expect so.” Jira said, taking a step back to avoid the flying Sue spit..

 

“Good. Making new metal, making Commodore Norrington blind, making him make deals with pirates, describing yourself twice in row, pretending to be Strider repeatedly blending in with shadows way to fucking often, giving Jack alcohol poisoning, stealing his hat, trying to steal his ship, quoting directly from the movie over and over again, turning a parrot into a crow, defiling the Pearl with your very presence , making bad jokes and your very existence you are condemned to die.” Leigh sat down next to her partner, who was watching the Sue jerk on the cavern floor. “So how long will this take?”

 

“Few hours.” Jira said.

 

“Want some more rum?”

 

“Cool.”

 

The End

 

[Author’s notes: Fugu is a pufferfish. It’s served in Japan, and has to be specially prepared by professional chef and still kils people every so often. Lagocephalus scleratus is a species of pufferfish known for being especially toxic.. I studied to be a Marine Biologist at UNCW and I hope to get back there for a Ph.D as soon as I can afford it. Gachnar is a fear demon from Buffy: the Vampire Slayer. Anyone who can spot the Red Dwarf quote, I’ll be very impressed.. Anyone who knows what Red Dwarf is, I’ll be pretty impressed frankly.]