Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Pirates of the Caribbean: The curse of the Black Pearl

By [email protected]

Disclaimer: Neither The PPC or PotC belongs to me. Jay and Acacia own the first Disney the second. Jira and Leigh would like to say that we belong to ourselves thank you. Many thanks to Elena for her Betaing of this peice. Much obliged here.

Caribbean Sisters

“Well that was fun,” Agent Jira Foley said as she and her partner Agent Schmuckleigh stepped through the portal into their command center. The response center, had, until then, been occupied by Jira 's neurotic Mini-Balrog Borormir, who was hiding under the console as usual.

Agent Schmuckleigh nodded.. “Yes it was. Must say those last six hours were certainly educational,” she said, referring to Scarlett Bane, the most recently assassinated Sue.
“I should write a paper on the effects of tetrotoxin on the average Sue.” Jira said as she hung her pack on the wall. “Borormir!” Jira knelt by the command console and peered at her mini. He hissed at her. “I’m sorry, baby. I’ve been so busy lately. I promise I’ll spend more time with you.”

At this point the narrative laws of comedy or possibly just the bloody mindedness of the universe kicked in.
[BEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEEEEP!]

“Ow!” Jira yelped, banging her head on the underside. Borormir hissed as Leigh snickered at her partner as she turned off the console. Jira cursed softly as she rubbed her head. “What is it this time?”

Leigh glanced over the story. “Complete rewrite of the movie with Commodore Norrington’s two younger sisters,” she said, cringing.

“Ffffffffffff,” Jira responded, staring over her partner’s shoulder. “You know, this is going to suck.”

“I completely agree.” Leigh, who hadn’t had time to take off her backpack, watched Jira pull her down from the wall and put it back on. “Shall we go? And kill?”

Jira briefly wondered if the pack would, over time, corrode her shoulders to nothingness. “I suppose. So, townies?”

“First, anyway.” Leigh programmed their disguises in and opened the portal.

“Bye, sweetie!” Jira yelled over her shoulder as she followed her partner through the portal.
Alone again Borormir peered out from under the console and grumbled softly to himself.

TEN YEARS LATER

The booming voice out of nowhere assaulted the two PPC agents immediately upon their arrival through the portal into Port Royal.

“Ai! Must they yell the time? Really. Much pain.” Jira swore at the voice.

“Ten years later than what?” Leigh muttered, glaring at the Sues.

“Later than… No I can’t think of a reasonable explanation.” Jira grumbled

Alexandria Norrington forced a smile as Elizabeth Swann appeared in front of her. They both curtsied.

Elizabeth Swann, who had previously been somewhere that was else, appeared out of thin air in front of Sue number one and curtsied. “Huh. Interesting.. Why the curtsies?”

“They sure don’t look like royalty.” Leigh said.

“Sues,” Jira sighed. “They have delusions of grandeur.”

“Undeniable..” Leigh said.

”Good day Alexandria." Elizabeth said in a mock sweetness.

“Goddamned Elizabeth bashing.”

"Good day Elizabeth." Alex said through clenched teeth.

“Can you speak that clearly through clenched teeth?”

“Ai don’ttt think ssso.” Jira hissed, attempting the Sue’s feat. Her tee’s and esses came out severely mangled.

"Lovely day, isn't it?" Elizabeth asked.

“Ah the joys of inconsequential conversation.” Jira said leaning back on a wall.

"Quite." Alex replied. And that was the end of the conversation.

“Um… yay?”

Alison Norrington looked between the two and shook her head. Those two never got along anymore. They hadn't ever since the three had become friends with Will Turner. Both Elizabeth and Alex had crushes on Will.

“True love is not a crush.”

Though, both crushes were for different reasons. Elizabeth liked Will because he was handsome. While Alex found Will handsome, she was also like his best friend. She knew everything about him. They did everything together.

“Does a lot of blacksmithing then, does she?”

“Doubtful. Highly doubtful.” Jira shook her head.

Much to James Norrington's displeasure. James didn't like Will and that was because James was in love with Elizabeth. But Elizabeth wanted Will. See the problem?

“Yes. Indeed. It’s both of you.” Leigh said as she glared at the Sues.

“Being Will Turner’s best friend.. Bashing a strong female lead. Making Elizabeth severely shallow. Inflicting yourselves on poor Norrington.” Jira mumbled as she wrote charges.

"Ali! How wonderful to see you!" Elizabeth exclaimed. Elizabeth and Alison got along fantastic. Unfortunately, this had caused a rift between Alison and Alex. That was another reason Alex always hung around with Will.

“And not, of course to try and draw him away from his canon love interest.” Leigh said as she watched Elizabeth with Sue number two.

“Disrupting canonical romances, because you want Orlando Bloom.”

"And how wonderful it is to see you also Liz." The two girls hugged and started talking.. Leaving Alex to become bored.

“Fragmenting sentences.

After her brother's ceremony, she managed to escape to the black smith's shop where Will was surely to be. Alex had perfect timing.

“Why am I not surprised?” Leigh said glaring at Sue number one.

“You can see the future?”

“Yes and I see… Horrible pain for us.” Leigh held her hand to her forehead

“I see that too. Wonder why?” Jira said, watching as Will appeared directly in front of his shop.

She saw Will about to head into the shop.

“She saw seashells at the sea shore.”

“Okay…” Jira said taking a step back from her partner..

"Will!" She shouted. Will turned and smiled at her. She ran over to him with a smile.

"Hi Alex." He said.

"Hi Will. I saw the sword that you made for my brother. Its beautiful." Will smiled.

“Being too dumb to know the difference between it’s as in it is and its the possessive.”

“That’s just sad.” Leigh muttered.

"Thanks." Alex was the only one who knew that it was he that made all the swords. "Care to come in and have another lesson of sword fighting?" Will had been giving Alex lessons in sword fighting for over a year now. And he had to admit that she was getting pretty good.

“Have another lesson of sword fighting?” Jira moaned, shaking her head.. “It’s writing like that that makes me want to stab myself in the foot.”

“Make me want to stab her in the foot.” Leigh responded.

The two agents followed Sue-one aka Alex and Will into the shop. And nearly ran into her as Will noticed something not right, and ordered Alex to stay.

Frowning, Alex obeyed as Will headed over to his workbench. "Not where I left you." He said.

“Copying dialogue right out of the movie. Leaving out bits of the movie.” Jira frowned as a thought struck her. “Wait, Elizabeth didn’t get proposed to, didn’t fall and have to be rescued, and Norrington didn’t run to try and rescue her, right?”

Leigh thought about it. “That’s right.”

“So why is Jack here? Shouldn’t he be still stealing the Interceptor?”

“Yes he should,” Leigh said following her partner’s train of thought..

“I’m confused…” Jira put her hands over her face.

Then he saw a hat. He went to touch it when Alex shouted,

“When you change paragraphs, we put periods on the ends of sentences.”
“Abuse of the common comma. Bloody Sues.” Jira muttered.

"WILL! Look out!" Will looked up and into the eyes of a pirate.

As he did this the Canonical universe gave a shimmy.. Colors and sounds spun together in a blinding nothingness and a deafening silence.. Agent Jira tried to clap her hands over her ears and her eyes simultaneously, which resulted in shoving her glasses high up on her nose and causing some slightly distracting pain from the canon shift. Agent Schmuckleigh managed the more sensible but still ineffective method of clamping her eyes shut and covering her ears. Neither method helps as the world twisted and spun around them.
After what could have been seconds or hours later Leigh felt the world resolve into something solid.. A voice said: Prologue: 'Fog'. She rested her head on something cool and hard. After a moment she realized it was the deck of a ship, and there was a voice in the background singing. “Oh no.”

".We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot. Drink up me 'earties Yo ho!”

“Why is there a period on the beginning of that sentence?” She murmured lifting her head up a few inches from the deck. From her vantage point she could see the two Sues and little Elizabeth standing at the prow of the ship.

“What the hell?” Agent Leigh murmured as she glanced around the ship. The Sues appeared to be about 10, the same as little Elizabeth. Her partner, on the other hand, appeared to be curled into a ball on the deck about ten feet in front of her, moaning. Agent Leigh slowly got to her feet, trying to keep her balance. Between the backwards chapter time shift and swaying of the unnamed ship beneath her feet it wasn’t as easy as it should have been. She knelt by her partner.

Jira was moaning softly. “We hates them, my precious… We hates them forever. Wants to make them hurt we do. Wants to make hurt lots…”

Leigh carefully tapped her partner’s shoulder. “Uh, Jira? Hello? Anyone in there?”

Jira hissed out, “Give them to her, yes precious. We gives them to her. Our pretty angel. Yesss… That’s what we wants.” She rolled over onto her back, and grinned up at her partner, a fixed rather mad grin. She was holding her Camelbak clutched to her chest. “She’ll fix them, she will. They’ll be sorry they hurts our canon. Yesss…”

Leigh stared at Jira. “Okay then.” She stood up and nudged Jira’s shoulder with her toe. Jira blinked up at her.
“Hello.” She shook her head. “I’ve had an idea..” She gave her partner an evil grin.

Leigh flinched but gave her a hand up anyway. “You frighten me.”

“Oh good.” Jira looked around the ship, finally focusing on the Sues who were learning the meaning of short drop and sudden stop from Mr. Gibbs. Agent Jira rubbed her hands together as she turned back to her partner. “I’ve a glorious idea.”

“Okay. Want to tell me, or should I guess?”

“Wouldn’t help. It’ll be a surprise.”

“A good surprise?” Leigh was just a little concerned for her partner’s sanity at this point. Though seeing as madness tends to be a pre-requisite of working for the PPC, one wonders why she bothered.

“Not for them.” The evil grin was firmly in place. Both agents jumped as Sue and Elizabeth yelled,

"LOOK!" They both said.

"A boy there's a boy in the water!" Alex yelled.. Elizabeth sighed.

“Yeah, I’d sigh too if I had all the Sue’s after my man.” Jira commiserated with the canon character..

"Man Over board!" Mr. Gibbs yelled.

“He did not,” Leigh said as the two agents watched young Will get hauled on board.

"Mary, mother of god!" The three girls and the rest of the crew turn to look to see a shipwreck with dancing flames falling into the dark waters. Alex gulped.

Jira and Leigh watched the burning ship’s flames dance.. Jira pointed at one particular set. “Is that a foxtrot?”

Leigh examined the dancing flames with a critical eye. “Could be. The ones doing the flamenco are nice too.” She pointed.

“Ooh. Very impressive.” Jira said admiringly.

"A lot of good it did them. Everyone's thinking it; I'm just saying it - pirates!" Alex gasped.. Real pirates? Real? Alison shook her head as if she knew what her sister wsa thinking..

“Wsa!” Jira said, snickering.

Leigh turned to her. “Wsa?”

“Wsa!”

“Oh… Wsa.”

“Aye, wsa. It’s a nautical turn.” Jira said.

“Hmm… And here I thought it was just bad writing.” Leigh said tapping her chin.

“Well, that too.” Jira shrugged as she glanced over the words. “Uh oh.”

Leigh glanced away from Sue-one, who was stealing Elizabeth’s ‘I’m watching over you, Will’ line.. “What?”

“We’re about to switch back..”

“Oh great.” She glanced at the words. “We’d better portal back.”

Jira looked confused. “Why?”

“Unless you’d like to end up in the middle of the sword fight? We come back right where we left off.”

“Nnn… Portal. Definitely portal.”

Leigh set her portal for Port Royal, outside Mr. Brown’s shop, rather than inside with Will, Sue-one, and Jack. The two agents fled through, just ahead of the time jump forward.

Jira and Leigh ran up against the wall of the blacksmith’s shop just as time shifted ten years forward. “I’m so very tired of this.” Jira said after Canon steadied its self.

“Me too.” Leigh said leaning her head back against the wall. “Why can’t they just set it in one time period?”

Jira just shook her head. “Bugger if I know.” She glanced at the shop door. “Should we go in or eavesdrop from here?”

“I’m all for eavesdropping.”

The two PPC agents made their way to the door of the blacksmith’s shop. Jira pressed her ear to the wood while Leigh followed along with the Words.

"And who are ye, young lass?" The rouged pirate who seemed to be wearing a red bandana over his forehead with his black hair draped over it. She studied his colorful beads hanging from his hair. Cool. She thought. So this was a real pirate!

“They’re called commas. Use them.”

“Jack’s a rouged pirate!” Jira started snickering.. “You know, other than the kohl, I really don’t remember him wearing all that much makeup. Do you?”

Leigh shook her head, smiling at the image of Captain Jack Sparrow in lots of rouge. “Not really.. And with his complexion I hardly think he needs any.” She checked the Words again and sighed a la Barbossa. “Cool not a word yet.”

“Using anachronistic words. Got it.” Jira leaned back against the rough wood.

"You think this wise boy, crossing blades with a pirate?" He began to get ready in his position.
"You threatened Ms. Swann."

“No, he didn’t. Not in this fic anyway.”

"Oh please." Alex muttered rolling her eyes.

“Just what I was thinking.”

"Only a little."

“Not at all actually.” Jira shook her head at her partner in despair.. “You know, if they’re going to screw with the story line you’d think they could at least be consistent.

“Not in this Sue-age I wouldn’t.”

“Well, true,” Jira shrugged.

"Alex get out of here." But Alex wanted to watch.. She never saw a pirate in her life fight before! This was very exciting to see.. So he wasn't all that charming but sword fighting was one of Alex's favorite things.. She pretended to leave but hid behind a small table. The two men began too fight and Alex's eyes widened. A pirate knew so well!

“A pirate knew so well what? What?!”

“Calm down.”

“Don’t want to. What did he know so well? I want an explanation for that piece of stupidity.”

“Sue fic.” Leigh said.

“Oh. Right.” As Jira went back to listening against the door a good four inches of very sharp metal suddenly exploded through it. Jira gasped as the tip of Will’s thrown sword came within a centimeter of her face. Inside she could hear Jack trying to pull the weapon free.

“Wow,” Leigh said as she came over to examine the sword tip. “That was close.”

“Nnnnhn.” Jira said backing away with a shocked look on her face.

Leigh peered over at her partner.. “You okay?”

“Nnn…” Jira hit the opposite wall from the shop, her gaze fixed on the weapon’s point.. “Niii.”

“He didn’t get you.”

Jira turned her eyes to her partner. She lifted a hand, thumb and first finger held a little bit apart. “This close. This close and that would be in my ear.”

Leigh nodded. “This is true.”

“I don’t like it here. Let’s go visit Norrington. They’ll be there soon anyway.” Jira said her fingers trembling.

“Okay.” Leigh said as her partner pushed off the wall. “Walk or portal?’

Jira took a deep breath.. “Walk. That was a little nerve wracking.”

Careful of her partner’s nerves Leigh took the long way to the Commodore’s office. The agents arrived not long after Norrington had finished bawling out Sue-one for staying for Will’s fight scene.

"I have work to do. Leave please. And you're grounded to the house." This was more than Alex would stand for. She jumped to her feet.

"You are not father!" She shouted.. James grew stiff, his back was still to her.

“Well, that’s a nice way to treat your legal guardian.”

"I know that I am not father. But he would have been just as cross with you Alexandria." Alex glared at him, her hands were balled into fists.

"No! Father was kind! He never would have grounded me." Then Alex stormed out of his office and ran outside. James stared out the window after her.

“What a whiny ass little brat!” Jira muttered, glaring at the Sue as she ran by.

“Poor Norrington. Having to take care of a brat like that,” Leigh shook her head angrily. “How old are this pests supposed to be?”

“Same as Elizabeth I believe. 18 to 20.”

“And so very immature. Acting like a spoiled little kid. Pathetic.”

The Commodore called for Alison who, true to the words, appeared moments later. Out of thin air.

"Yes James?"

"Follow your sister. And make sure that she doesn't go to see Mr.Turner please." Alison nodded, curtsied, and followed after her sister.

“What’s wrong with Will? And didn’t he just ground the brat?” Jira said as they followed behind Sue-two.

“I’d swear he did.” Leigh responded, as they found themselves walking down to the cells. They came out as Sue-one was talking to Jack through the bars. The two agents sidled away from the Sues and leaned against the wall.

"If I get you out..." She was stopped mid-sentence by Alison who emerged behind her.

"You will do nothing of the sort Alexandria." She said sternly. Both the pirate and Alex looked at her.

"And who are ye?" The pirate asked, interested. Alison ignored him.

"Lets go home Alexandria. Now.

"No. Stop playing brother's pet." Alex replied. Alison grabbed her arm.

“Brother’s pet?”

“More anachronistic speech. Dumb asses..”

"Now Alex." She hissed.

"Let her be luv. We were only talkin." The pirate said. This time Alison turned to him and said,

Alison said. "Look! I don't know who you are, but I happen to know what you are capable of! I saw you threaten Elizabeth!"

“I’m confused,” Jira said. “Why did Sue-two say said twice?”

Leigh consulted the words. “Hmm… Looks like the author stopped the chapter on a comma. Must have forgotten where she stopped.”

“Really bad writing there.”

“No argument from me.” Leigh muttered, watching the Sue-sisters. “So when can we kill them?”

Jira studied the Words for a minute.. “Hmm… Well, Sue-One is about to get kidnapped with Elizabeth.. We can take her there. The lesser Sue? Ooh Tortuga. We can take her in Tortuga.. Then I’ve got plans.”

Leigh rubbed her hands together, “Evil plans?”

“But of course.” Before Jira could explain said evil plans cannon fire interrupted the assassins. “Yay!”

“Huh?” Leigh looked at her partner.. “What do you mean yay?”

“Cannon fire. Actual cannons.” Jira leaned her head back, smiling blissfully. “I’m so happy.”

“It’s still badly written.”

“But still, actual cannons.” Jira flapped her hands at her partner.

Leigh gave in. Real cannons that were not English priests were certainly to be enjoyed.

"Alex, Will!" Alex looked at her. First she was upset and now she says this.

Jira glanced around. “I don’t see Will anywhere. What is she talking about?”

"What are you talking about?"

“She took my line!”

"Apparently a boy named Will." Jack said grinning. Alison rolled her eyes.

“Jack’s a smart ass.”

“Well, that’s in character.”

Jira shrugged, “True.”

"I mean Will as he could get hurt!"

“He’s a blacksmith who plays with swords. I’m sure he could..” Leigh said.

“Stating the bloody obvious.” Jira wrote it down.

"I'm sure Will is just bloody fine. You wont let me go to him anyways."

"Yes I will come on." Alex widened her eyes; well this is certainly a big change. But before they left two pirates were grinning and staring at them.

“Only two?” Jira muttered as they trailed behind the Sues. The PPC agents stepped out into the chaos that was Port Royal under attack. “Let’s portal to the Pearl.”

Leigh dodged a dirty pirate with a sword. “Good idea. Undead pirates?”

“Oh fun!” Jira grinned as she set her portal for the Black Pearl, while Leigh changed their disguises to pirates, Black Pearl, cursed.

Jira rubbed her hands together gleefully as the two partners stepped onto a familiar deck tattered black sails above them.

“You know, I’ve always wondered how the Pearl made such good time with so many holes in the sails?”

“Cursed?” Agent Schmuckleigh suggested, as Sue-one and Elizabeth were brought on deck.

"I am here to negotiate-" Before she could finish the sentence the pirate, Bo'sun. But Captain Barbossa held his wrist in the air.

“Wait. Who said that?” Jira looked frantically from Elizabeth to Alex. Due to the nature of the writing it was impossible to tell which of the young women had started that sentence.

“And I think we need to have a little talk with the Sues about their punctuation.” Leigh said, trying to figure out why the pirate Bo’sun who hadn’t actually done anything yet, was being held by Barbossa..

"Ye will not land a hand on those under the protection of parley." Barbossa said.

“He didn’t.” Leigh said, looking over at her partner.

"Aye, sir." Bo'sun said tensioning up his face and then he softened up a bit eyeing the two girls.

“Making Bo’sun tension up his face.” Jira had her notebook out.

"My apologies miss."

“Making him apologize.”

"Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal."

"Like they know what that means." Alex muttered. Barbossa ignored her and chuckled a bit.

"There a lot of long words there, Miss, we're naught but humble pirates. What is it what you want?"

"What do you think?" Alex said sarcastically.

"I want you to leave and never come back!"

"See?" Alex eyed the Captain.

Jira nudged Leigh.. “You know that exchange worked so much better without the Sue.”

“Don’t they always?”

“Yeah..”

"I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request..means no."

“I love Geoffrey Rush!”

“Oh yeah.”

"Very well, I'll drop it!" Elizabeth walked over to the broad side of the ship and dangled the medallion over the ocean.

"Me holds are burstin' with swag and that for a bit of shrine matters to us. Why?" Barbossa asked

At this the gold Aztec medallion in Elizabeth’s hand transformed into a what looked rather like a piece of the columns from the Parthenon. “That’s interesting,” Jira said, watching the bit of shrine curiously.

"It's what you've been searching for! I reckonize this ship!"
“Ahh the rampant misspellings of the Sue.” Leigh murmured.

"Yeah! We saw it eight years ago on the crossing from England!" Alex finished Elizabeth's sentence. Barbossa turned to Alex and grinned.

“I realize you have no idea what constitutes a sentence, but you were finishing a statement as her sentence ended with a period.”

“And I’m charging you for it.” Jira muttered. Barbossa was smiling at Sue-one, who, unlike a rational person who would be very afraid if Captain Barbossa was grinning at them, seemed perfectly calm. “And for not being at least a little afraid of Barbossa who is a truly scary-ass villain..”

“Oh yes,” Leigh purred watching Barbossa interrogate Elizabeth and Sue-one. When the Sue said her name was Turner and that she was a maid in the governors household too, Leigh laughed out loud. “Couldn’t be more creative than that could you? Pitiful.”

"Turners! And how is it that a maid comes to have a trinket such as that? Family heirloom perhaps?"

"I didn't steal it if that's what you mean.." Elizabeth said through clenched teeth. She probably did. Elizabeth liked to steal, Alex thought bitterly. 'I'm missing my pirate sash!' She thought angrily.

“You bitch!” Jira snapped. “You stupid, Elizabeth bashing bitch!”

Leigh made a shushing noise. “She can hear you. You do know that?”

Jira snarled. “I doubt it. This one’s so self-absorbed I doubt anything I say could get through..”

“Still…”

“Oh fine.” They watched the rest of scene unfold as it had it the movie. With one small exception.

Wait! You have to take me to shore! According to the order of brethan-"

"US! Us to shore!" Alex said irritably.

"Us.."Elizabeth said softly

The PPC agents could see Elizabeth trying to break free of the Sue’s spell. When she said us her eyes flicked to Alex-Sue then to Barbossa.

“She knows something’s wrong.” Leigh sighed.

“Yeah. I hate seeing her like this. They will pay.” Jira said as Barbossa explained why he wasn’t going to take them back and Elizabeth fell back into the Sue’s spell..

Leigh glanced around the ship as Elizabeth and Sue were dragged off.. “So shall we go watch the other one join Will on his rescue?”

Jira looked down at herself. “We could do that. Or we could hang out here and be cursed evil skeletons.”

Leigh smiled. “Fabulous. Let’s do that.”

“Excellent. Now where’s some moonlight?” Jira said as she strode off around the deck of the Black Pearl.

The assassins spent the rest of the night playing ‘check out my bone structure’ in the moonlight and discovering that indeed undead, cursed, pirates do not need sleep. A good time was had by both..

The morning came swiftly and brightly. Jira was sitting on the prow of the Black Pearl having climbed up there around sunrise. Leigh walked over to her. “You do know we’re in the middle of the ocean?”

“Yeah.”

“And if you fall it’s a long way to the bottom?”

“I’m undead.. I can walk to shore.” Jira said.

“We’re a long way from shore.” Leigh replied, watching her partner look down at the sea.

“Good point. I’ll just be getting down then..” Jira said, slowly and carefully moving herself off the railing and onto the deck. “Well, shall we go find Sue-two?”

Leigh sighed. “If we must.”

“Nothing to do around here until nightfall anyway.” Jira fished out her portal device. “So where to?”

“Well, we could go on the Interceptor…” The agents thought for a moment. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Me neither. We’d be seen easy.” Jira glanced over the Words, looking for a likely spot. And laughed. “You know they’ll be in Tortuga real soon. We could just jump there.”

“Tortuga? In a less than day?” Leigh peered over her partner’s shoulder. “How far is it to Tortuga?”

“Three days,” Jira said.. “With a full crew who know what they’re doing, and good weather and the tides with them. Will and Jack, I’d give them a week at least.”

“Tortuga then.” Leigh said as her partner adjusted her portal.

The assassins stepped out onto the dirty Tortuga streets a few steps ahead of the Canon characters and Sue-two.

"Port and port alike it is a sad life that has never breathed deep the sweet, proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga, savvy? What do you think?"

"It'll linger." Will managed to say.

"Disgusting." Alison said.

"If every island were like this one, no man would ever feel unwanted."

“I thought Tortuga was city.”

“Yeah me too.”

"I can hardly imagine." Alison mumbled.

“No one was crediting you with much imagination to begin with, sweetie.” Jira muttered as she stepped out of the way to let the Canonicals pass. When Sue-two tried to go by Jira stuck out a foot. As Alison-Sue was getting to her feet, Scarlet walked up. And slapped both Will and Jack.

"Scarlet!" She slapped him and walked away.

“Poor Will, now the writing getting him slapped.”
Leigh nodded as Giselle came up. Again, due the lack of proper names in the description she came up to both Will and Jack.

"Not sure I deserved that. Giselle!" Giselle walked up to him in a yellow dress.

"Who was she? And who IS she?" She pointed to Alison.

"Not his if that's what you're thinking." Alison sneered.
"What?" Jack asked. She slapped him and walked away. "I may have disserved that."

“You may have, but I know Will didn’t.” Jira muttered.

“That one didn’t get Will.”

“The other one did.”

Leigh muttered under her breath.

“Also, did you notice that Jack may have ‘Disserved’ that?” Jira said.

“I did notice. Did you notice she spelled it right the first time?” Leigh responded.

“I did. But I figured it was an aberration..”

“Probably was.”

"Unbelievable, I'm becoming more abhorrence with you every step of the way Mr. Sparrow." Alison folded her arms.

“Abhorrence,” Jira muttered, flipping through her thesaurus. “Loathing, detestation, hatred…”

“I am becoming more loathing with you.” Leigh tried it out. “Nope doesn’t work. Bad wording. Bad , bad wording.”

“I’m having a feeling of abhorrence right now.” Jira snarked at the Sue.

"Captain Jack Sparrow, luv!" Alison shook her head and Will shrugged.

“Not again!”

Alison and Will followed Jack into some guys' house. They saw an old man sleeping on a couple of pigs. Alison made a face and turned away.

"Curse you for breathing, you slack jawed idiot! Mother's love! Jack! You should know better then to wake a man when he's sleeping. 'S bad luck."

"Ah, fortunately I know how to counter it. The man who did the waking buys, the man who was sleeping, a drink. The man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition from the man who did the waking."

“I love Jack.” Leigh said..

“You and me both.” Her partner nodded in agreement..

"Aye, that'll about do it."

"Mr. Gibbs?" Alison asked recognizing him from along time ago when they were crossing to England.

“Try from England, idiot.” Agent Jira said leaning against the wall behind Jack, Will, the Sue and Mr. Gibbs.

"Ms. Norrington! What a pleasant surprise! Where be your sister?"

“On the Pearl, about to die.”

Will threw a bucket of water on him. "BLAST! I'm all ready awake!"

"That was for the smell." Alison smiled.

Jira turned to Leigh, “Got rope?”

Leigh smiled as they started after the Sue, “Yes I have.”

The four of them entered a noisy tavern with men trying to fight or fighting in their drunken ways. As Alison Norrington walked through the door a pair of pirates in black clothes stepped in front of her. "Alison Norrington, you are being charged as a Mary-Sue corrupting the canon of Pirates of the Caribbean. You're coming with us,” the shorter of the two said.

“Jack!” The Sue yelled. Thankfully the tavern was very loud and Alison couldn’t make herself be heard as the PPC agents dragged her forcibly from the Faithful Bride. Once outside Leigh tied the Sue’s hands behind her while she continued to yell for Jack and Will.

Jira slapped her across the face and then shoved a gag in her mouth. “You shut up.”

“Kill her now?” Leigh said, holding the Sue still while Jira opened a portal..

“No. We need her alive.”

“What for?”

“Bait.” Jira grinned as she stepped through the portal onto the deck of the Pearl. Leigh looped a bit of rope over the railing and then around Sue-two’s neck, tying it tightly. Together the assassins went into the main cabin Alex-sue.

Outside the cabin they could hear the Sue and Elizabeth arguing.

"What?!" Elizabeth finally asked in a shout.

"This is all your fault." Alex replied. Elizabeth crossed her arms.

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Not."

"Too."

"No..." Before Elizabeth could finish the word, the cabin door slammed open and two female pirates dressed in black came in.

“That is quite enough!” Jira said, grabbing the Sue and pulling her to her feet. “Alexandria Norrington, you are charged with disrupting the canon of the Pirates of the Caribbean by being a Mary-Sue.”

“Get your hands off me! How dare you?” The Sue tried to pull her arm free but Jira wouldn’t let go.

“How dare you?!” Jira snapped. “How dare you come here and try to ruin this story?”

“I… I hate her! She doesn’t deserve my Will!” The Sue tried to pull free again, only to find Leigh had thrown a loop of rope around her arms. And tightened it.

“He ain’t yours. And you and your sister have no business here.” Jira said furiously.

Leigh pushed the Sue forward, while Elizabeth stared at the two women. “Who are you?” She asked.

“PPC.” Jira shrugged. “Don’t worry, you’ll be back to normal in no time.”

“We’ll take care of these two.” Leigh said pushing the Sue ahead of her and out the door. Jira followed her out and shut the door. Pintel and Raggetti, who’d been about to enter with two dresses stared at them. Jira plucked the blue one out of their hands and said, “You don’t need that. Go on, Captain Barbossa’s waiting for her.” They looked at each other and shrugged. Jira draped the dress over one arm and joined her partner on deck.

Leigh looked her curiously. She’d gagged Sue-one with what looked like an old sock. “So where’d you get that?”

“Pintel and Raggetti. It’s pretty, I’m keeping it.” Jira said, opening a portal on deck.. She cut Sue-two free from the railing and threw her through the portal. “Shall we?”
Leigh tossed Sue-one through and stepped after her. Jira followed. They stepped out into bright California sunlight. Leigh looked around.. The assassins were standing on concrete surrounding an enormous enclosed body of water. Behind them stadium seats rose up. She tapped her partner on the shoulder, when Jira turned around she asked, “Where are we?”

Jira smiled, “In Monterey.”

“Real world?”

“No, this is the bookverse of The Trench by Steve Alten.” She pulled out the charge list and smiled down at the Sues. “To business.. Alexandria and Alison Norrington, also known as Sues one and two, you are officially charged by the protectors of the Plot Continuum as Mary Sues and for disrupting the Canonical universe of Pirates of the Caribbean by making Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Commodore James Norrington, and most especially and egregiously Elizabeth severely out of character, by attempting to break up a Canonical pairing i.e Will/Elizabeth by reducing it to a mere crush and attempting to usurp Elizabeth’s place, for bashing Elizabeth and still being her best friend, for inflicting yourselves on poor Commodore Norrington when I’m sure he’s got enough on his mind already, for being whiny brats and reducing Elizabeth to the same level as you, for putting the prologue of the story as the second chapter and making the both of us miserable, for writing fragment, for having horrible grammar and punctuation, for abuse of the common comma, for anachronistic speech and lots of it, for going to England rather than the other way, for getting Will slapped when I know he didn’t deserve it, for disserved, and for thinking you could improve this already excellent story be your mere presence you are to be put to death. Right about now.” The Sues writhed on the ground, staring at the smiling agent above them. Jira turned to her partner, “Got anything long sharp and preferably barbed?”

Leigh smiled, and went hunting through her pack. After a moment she pulled out the front part of a whaling harpoon.. “This work?” She asked.

Jira stared. “That’s perfect.” She pulled Alison-Sue to her feet and removed her gag. She wrapped her arm around the Sue’s neck, tightly. “Get her in the stomach if you would.”

Alison-Sue tried to pull free but Schmuckleigh moved faster and impaled her on the harpoon’s wicked barbs. “How that?” She asked over the Sue’s screaming..

Jira spun the Sue away from her and pushed her over into the water. The Sue shrieked and twisted in the water. The seawater turned red around her.

“So was there a point to that or were you just having fun?” Leigh asked as she stepped closer to the edge.

Jira pulled her back. “Trust me. You don’t want to be doing that. And I did have a point..” She looked out over the water for a moment and smiled. “And here it comes.” She pointed.

Leigh followed her partner’s finger and saw a ghostly white dorsal fin rising out of the water. And keep rising. And rising. And head toward the downed Sue in the water. “What’s that?”

Jira grinned. “That is Angel, a 72 foot Charcharadon Megolodon. Say hi!”

“Angel?”

“The Angel of Death, I believe is her name in this continuum..” As the 6 foot high fin got closer, Jira grabbed Alexandria, pulled the gag out of her mouth and said, “Scream all you like. It’ll only attract her attention.”

“You can’t do this..” The Sue said in disbelief.

Jira knocked her over the edge and got back quickly. “Yah think?”

Leigh was watching the approaching Meg somewhat nervously. “Is it really safe here?” She asked Jira.

“No, not really.” Jira said, “Let’s go up on the stands. Better view there.” The assassins climbed the stairs up to bleachers and settled in to watch Angel enjoy her snacks..

“Come here often?” Leigh asked as the first Sue was engulfed by a gaping maw full of 6 inch teeth.

“I used to. It’s quiet here. You never get Sues.”

“It’s nice.”

“Yeah,” Jira murmured as the second Sue went down screaming.

“So back now.”

Jira sighed, “Yeah I guess.” She took a last look at the solid white Meg as Leigh opened the portal. “Bye, sweetie.” She said as she stepped through.
The End.

[Author’s notes: The Trench is a real book. It’s not very accurate about Charcharadon Megolodons, but it’s a fun read anyway. It’s the sequel to the Meg, which was really better.
Thanks to all my very kind reviewers.]