Case: Whatever Happens
Disclaimer1: Tolkien is God. We are just policing his universe.
Disclaimer2: We are mean to Mary Sues. Deal with it.
Disclaimer3: All Mary Sues belong to their respective authors. Who else would want them?
Disclaimer4: The PPC are Jay and Acacia. Posted with their permission.
The office was dark and quiet, but the visitor knew that didn't mean much. King Kong Comma, the pet gorilla that ruled all commas, liked it dark. Amazingly for a woman of her reputation, Skuld loved all animals. Even Sue created ones, which was a bit of a problem when you worked for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. The job often required you to slay Unicorns and Pegasuses and what-nots.
“No need to yell, sister,” Skuld replied, stepping out of the shadow. “What do I owe this… pleasure?”
“Your new partner,” her sister replied. “Graduate of OFUM. You've needed a new partner ever since your last one retired forty years early.”
“Not my fault she couldn't take the Sue-singing anymore, Cam.”
“You can warn them, Skuld.”
“Where's the fun in that?”
There was a light cough, and a woman stepped into the shadows. She held out her hand. “Cass Orange, Agent Taipan. It's nice to meet you.”
“Pleasure is all mine, I'm sure,” Skuld replied dryly. “How much of a rookie are you, exactly?”
“Well, it depends how you look at it,” Cass answered. “I have about two years experience in the Trek field. Then I worked on some lower profile stuff back home in Australia for a couple of years. Got my OFUM degree of course, I majored in Grammar and Temporal Anomalies, and minored in Mary Sues. This is my first Lord of the Rings posting.”
“And she only got Balrogged twice,” Cam shot in. Of course, to the residents at OFUM she was known more as Miss Cam. You quickly learned that, or you spent a lot of time with the healers
Skuld scoffed slightly. “Oh well. If the plants say it's so, it's so. Nice of you to drop in, sister. Tata.”
Cassie looked around the darkened office for a place to sit. “I guess I don't get a desk then?” she asked Skuld.
Skuld shrugged. “Pull up a beanbag, it's pretty informal out here.”
Cass spotted a particularly comfortable looking black beanbag, and started to sit.
“No, not that one!” Agent Taipan yelled as the beanbag jumped out of the way.
Agent Orange landed, rather heavily, on her bum.
She stood up, dusting off her imitation suede trousers, and looked at the beanbag suspiciously. “Did that beanbag just move?” she asked.
“It's not a beanbag. And if I were you, I wouldn't sit on King Kong Comma. He gets… a little irritated if you do that.”
As if to reply, King Kong Comma grunted. Then he shuffled over to Skuld, nestling his head into her lap.
“Watch your commas around him,” Skuld advised. “Who's Agent Taipan's main cutsie? Yes, you are…”
“Is that..?” Cass began
Cass was excited, but she tried not to look it. “What do we have?”
Skuld looked at the readout. “It's another Legolas Sue. Two of them actually, Andrial and Annadel.”
“You're not partial to Legolas, are you?” Skuld asked, eyebrow raised.
“Nah, more Aragorn and Boromir.”
“Well, you won't get to meet them today, I'm afraid.”
Cass tried not to look disappointed, but couldn't withhold a tiny 'aaaww'.
“You will meet them soon enough if you stay sane,” Skuld commented lightly, then hissed. “Arranged marriage. I hate these.”
“How do they find that romantic at all?”
There was no reply.
“Skuld?” Cass turned to see her partner stare at the readout while slowly twisting it to shreds. King Kong Comma hissed in agreement.
Cass retrieved the readout and smoothed it out. “Two different tenses in the first sentence? And Point of View mangling? Diabolical.”
“A trivialized rape scene?” she read, incredulously.
Skuld nodded, still looking angry.
Cass screwed the paper up again and tossed it in the corner.
“She's mine,” Skuld said angrily, then stalked over to her desk, opening a few drawers. “We'll have to be Elves for this one.”
“Great,” Cass replied, then sighed. “Unfortunately, they all seem to act like whiny teenagers, so we could just as well be dressed in modern gear for all they'd notice. Still, canon is canon.”
“Dagger or bow your weapon of choice?”
“Well, I like the bow, but my eyesight isn't that brilliant. I'd better take the dagger.”
Skuld tossed the dagger to Cass and slung the bow over her shoulder. “By the way. Cass, is that short for Cassandra?”
Cass shook her head. “Cassiopeia.”
Cass tucked her grammar glasses into her pocket as Skuld opened the portal and stepped through. KKC ambled after her, and Cass followed.
Mirkwood was slightly foggy as the portal dumped them out onto a mossy patch. Given the natural state of Sue-fic of unspecific, it looked as if it was trying to decide what age it was in, what season and even what geographical position. The trees shifted slightly, one sprouting up just next to them just as they tumbled out and the mossy grass greeted them.
“Ow,” Cass complained, getting up and brushing grass of her Elven gown. “Are you sure no one will see KKC?”
“No worries. He's tagged along before,” Skuld replied, scouting the area. “Ah, there's Legolas awaiting the Sue and his doom.”
Cass put on her grammar glasses and immediately took them off again. “I think I've gone blind. What do we do now?”
“Observe,” Skuld said grimly, softly walking closer to the palace doors where Legolas was just greeting the Sue and her Sue-en friend. “I hate observing. But just killing the Sues now create so much paperwork. I hate paperwork.”
“Anna, Anna!” they could hear Legolas call out.
“Legolas!” The Sue-en friend replied as Skuld gnashed her teeth.
“I've missed you so, the rest of the seasons are no fun with out you around!” Legolas rambled on, already falling into his new role as gushing elf.
“The same with out you. Who is it that you have brought for me to met?”
“Leg's, I would like you to meet my best friend Andrial, Andi for short!”
“I don't think you need the glasses,” Skuld commented.
“Nope. The grammar errors are pretty obvious.”
Suddenly, the pair found themselves sitting up in the tree.
“Um, what just happened?” Cass asked, looking confused.
“P.O.V. shift. You'll get used to them. Hang on, she's going back to third person again.”
Back in their original spot, they watched as the Sue was told off by a suddenly appearing guard in an utterly ridiculous (but somehow satisfying) way.
“And wait for it…” Skuld said, patting KKC, who was whimpering.
“Well excuse me, and maybe next time you shouldn't address me so informal for I am the descent of Celeborn and Galadriel, rulers of Lothlórien!” the Sue declared and stalked off into the Palace.
“That's one charge for messing with canon,” Cass commented as the trees began to stabilise now that the Sue was out of sight.
“Two. Calling Legolas 'Legs' is worthy of death alone. Why must they always go with the idiotic nicknames?”
“There's one for each of them then. How much more do we need?” Cass asked.
“Oh, a few more. Just to be sure. Don't worry, there are plenty.”
The scene went completely blank, leaving only Legolas and the other Sue. Cass felt decidedly dizzy as another POV change had them looking down on the scene from above. Of course, the complete lack of scenery made it all the more sickening, as there didn't seem to be anything supporting them. Cass had never been afraid of heights before, but this was ridiculous.
“Where is Lady Andrial?” Legolas asked.
An echoing voice (sounding a lot like Legolas' own) reflected, “I knew she looked familiar to me, but I would have never guess she was Galadriel's daughter.”
“She wanted to be alone in her room. She just upset about something.” replied the second Sue.
“How did she know that?” Cass asked.
“One Sue is another alike. They're probably all connected,” Skuld replied, watching the inane banter while mimicking a gun held to her head. “Poor Legolas. Sometimes I think I see their canon soul hidden deep in their eyes, enduring horrors like this with great pain.”
“Poor Aragorn,” Cass said sorrowfully. “What? I just meant… You know, for all those Sues that take him away from Arwen.”
KKC snickered, as the narrative took another sudden jump forward and they found themselves at the banquet, surrounded by pampered up elves..
“This is getting annoying,” Cass complained.
It was a very strange scene. Poor Legolas appeared to be jiggling up and down in his seat, which had a very conspicuously empty chair next to it. Everyone else appeared to be speaking to a rather large trumpet in the centre of the room. It didn't answer them, so they all became silent as the Sues entered the room. Legolas looked admiringly at the Andrial-Sue, and then pulled a hand mirror from his pocket and began admiring his own face. Surprisingly enough, every other male elf in the room, including his father, also began to eye him.
Perplexed, Cass pulled out her grammar glasses and put them on again, looking at the words behind the scene. “Ah. I don't think she meant for this to happen. Her grammar is so awful it just seems like she's talking to the trumpet and everyone is admiring Legolas.”
“I'll add 'painfully bad grammar' to the list of charges then, shall I?”
KKC jumped up and down a few times, pulling at Skuld's Elven ears.
“Ow! Stop that. I know, I know. He gets a bit worked up over the usage of full stop rather than comma.”
“Ah,” Cass replied diplomatically.
“Lle maa quell,“ Legolas said, and suddenly a strong, very British voice boomed through the room.
“You look good.”
“Was that… David Attenborough?” Cass asked disbelieving.
“Yes. Translating the Elvish, as the Author did.”
“Amin hiraetha,” Legolas continued, and David promtly followed, drowning out the rest of the dialogue.
“Ye Gods,” Skuld muttered, as trumpets blasted off.
“My good and wonderful elves, and honor guests. The King of Gondor, Aragorn. Friend of my son Gimli son of Gloin,” Thranduil began.
“Gimli's his son?” Cass gasped. “That's a major canon disruption.”
“Missing comma and general bad sentence structure,” Skuld replied sadly, hugging KKC as Gimli temporarily turned into a half Elf, half Dwarf.
“Thank you all for joining us on the festive night. I brought you all together to give you wonderful news.” He turned to Legolas (whose mirror had now vanished, thankfully) and Andrial.
Getting used to the POV shifts by now, Cass took a step sideways to see past the giant trumpet she was suddenly standing behind.
“Arise Prince of Mirkwood, and Princess of Lothlórien! Tonight each one of you, will witness the coming together of two kingdoms, Mirkwood and Lothlórien. It is my pleasure to inform you that during coming of the first Snowfall, Prince Legolas will then betroth Princess Andrial, and Mirkwood will have a Queen once more!”
“ Aaye Taren Legolas, Aaye Tarien Andrial”
“Hail Prince, and Hail Princess,” the disembodied voice translated.
Everyone cheered, including Andrial and Legolas, although neither looked like they really wanted to cheer. Legolas looked rather bewildered, and as he turned to Andrial for answers, another mid-sentence POV shift catapulted the three invisible agents to the other side of the room.
“Did you know of this arrangement Princess?” Legolas asked, not noticing that KKC had hugged onto his legs (although to comfort the elf or himself was hard to tell)
“Don't act like you didn't know, it's been planed for a long time, while you were off on that quest of the ring!” The Sue huffed.
“Hurrah, some reference to age at last,” Skuld muttered, just as a distant crash was heard. “That must have been Dol Guldur realising it's supposed to have been collapsed. I hate fics without obvious timeframes.”
The Sue continued her tiny tantrum, before running off.
“Boo hoo,” Skuld commented, trying to lure KKC away from Legolas's leg.
“Father, if I may speak openly. Why in Vala would you want me to get married.” Legolas stated, even though it was probably meant to be a question.
“Why in Vala?” Cass echoed, shaking her head.
“Beats me,” Skuld replied.
“Son, it is not that I don't trust your judgment, it's just time isn't getting in younger or older for are kind. I can't not remain king for all eternity,” Thranduil said.
“Making the King of Mirkwood contradict himself and sound like an idiot?” Cass suggested. Skuld added it to the charge list.
“Thy time has come for thee to rise and be crowned king. And in doing so, a king must have a woman who is fit to be Queen. When Anna told me of this Princess Andrial, who is never to be Queen, because she isn't the eldest to inherit all of Lothlórien.”
“Of course not, it's Lady Galadriel, not Queen Galadriel,” Cass observed, as KKC whimpered at the jarring non-end of the last sentence. She cautiously stroked his head, hoping he wouldn't bite her.
“I contacted Galadriel and asked if she can depart with her daughter so that she may be Queen of Mirkwood,” Thranduil continued. “And she was as delighted as I was when thinking of the idea. Legolas you must know, that if Galadriel didn't think of you as a fit husband then she wouldn't have trusted you with her youngest daughter.”
Skuld gnashed her teeth again. “Because Thranduil is in such imminent danger of dying, oh yes. Good grief.”
“I think the P.O.V is about to shiiiiiiiiiiiii…” Cass began, cut short as a bench suddenly came flying at them and the palace twisted into the garden. Ducking, she narrowly avoided being trapped between two trees.
The Sue was whining to the other Sue, not noticing the two elves and small gorilla distangling themselves from the grass that had attempted to grow over them.
“I'm going to kill those two very, very slowly,” Skuld muttered, removing a tulip from her hair (did they even have tulips in Mirkwood?). “Ah shit, we're shifting again.”
“Knock, knock,” a deep booming voice reverberated through the air.
Cass shook her head in bewilderment. “James Earl Jones. 'Luke, I am your father!'” she intoned.
Skuld looked at her sharply. “No time for clowning.”
“Star Wars is cool,” Cass said sulkily.
The door opened and the Sue entered, all trite and sorry about her little outburst at dinner.
“Don't worry tarienamin—“
“My princess,” David intoned.
“—I know that we can work this out,” Legolas finished.
“That's just it Legolas, we can't work this out, you may have my body, but my heart and spirit belongs to another elf, who returns the love ten folds. Could you give me that Legolas?” the Sue whined.
Both agents rolled their eyes. “Methinks she doth protest too much,” Cass observed. Skuld nodded in agreement.
“Uma,” Legolas answered.
“Yes,” David added.
“No you couldn't Legolas. Your only attracted to beauty, and it's not your fault, because it is the elvish way of life. But I love the man I love for something far greater then beauty, and he loves me for the same reason.”
Cass and Skuld both winced at her misuse of your/you're, and Skuld patted her bow.
“Soon… Very soon…”
The Sue whined on about her brilliant boyfriend. Legolas whined back about how he wanted his enforced wife to love him.
“Hit the deck!” Skuld yelled as a triple POV shift tossed them from one end of the garden to the other and back again. Unfortunately, an immediately following tense shift made the action repeat. Twice.
The two agents stood up dizzily, and KKC scaled a tree in fright. Skuld tried to coax him down, but he wouldn't budge.
“This is heinous. First, second and third person all in one sentence?” Cass complained incredulously. “And how hard can it be to remember what tense you're in?”
The Sue exited, leaving moony-eyed Legolas behind her.
“Hang on,” Skuld warned, as the scene rebuilt itself again.
“Oh, it's the other Sue. I thought she'd buggered off home,” Cass commented.
“Wishful thinking,” Skuld answered.
Sue2, as Cass had begun to think of her, had apparently changed her position on the whole wedding idea and had come to beg Thranduil to call it off.
“Now Anna, it was your idea, you thought the too would like each other, now you want to cancel after I announced to my entire kingdom?”
“His entire kingdom fits into the banquet hall?” Cass observed. “Hardly worth calling one banquet's worth of people a kingdom, if you ask me.”
“Well, I'm sorry this arrangement, can not change,” Thranduil said firmly. “Legolas needs to grow up, and Mirkwood needs a Queen again. The marriage will proceed as planed. They better learn to love each other by the first Snow Fall of winter.”
“Random Capitalisation, such fun,” Skuld muttered, as the setting shifted back to Legolas's room. “Come here, KKC…”
KKC finally loosed his grip on the branch-turned-bench-turned-bedpost and scurried into Skuld's arms, hissing at Sue2 as he went.
“Hey Legs, can I come in??” Sue2 was asking, looking around oddly. KKC hissed again and she looked startled.
“I saw Andi leaving your room, care to tell me what you to were doing?”
“Two! You two!” Cass exclaimed, then took her glasses off. “I can't look at the Words. It's too painful.”
“Talk, that's all. She just wanted to rip my heart out before there is anything to be ripped!” Legolas said bitterly.
“Don't worry. We'll do the ripping here,” Skuld said grimly.
“Amin hiraetha, mani marte?”
“What happened?” David said helpfully.
“I wonder how many Legolas-Sues there would be if David had played Legolas,” Cass speculated as Sue2 and Legolas both gushed on about the main Sue.
“At least that way they might actually know nature and be able to describe it properly,” Skuld replied.
“Hey, I would marry. I just haven't met the right elf to do so with. If I have met Andrial during the Fellowship, I would have without a doubt, went back to Lorien, to pursue her before all this could happen,” Legolas was saying, looking like he had to force the words out.
“And Elrond would have no doubt killed you for destroying his Naturally Nine,” Cass said solemnly.
“See I was right you do have an interest in her, Leggy you sly elf.”
“No, he doesn't, Anna you dead Sue,” Skuld commented, holding KKC tightly as the scene shifted *yet* again to the garden without warning. “You know, I think I know how we'll kill this one.”
“Make another of these random shifts, only tie her down and make Barad-dûr appear on top of her.”
The Sue was talking to her lover, 'Dondel', but the weird mix of Elvish-translated-by-David Attenborough and way-too-modern-sorta-Common made the conversation very hard to follow. Both agents took notice at the dramatic declaration of Dondel's that he was already married, though.
“What's this, Centuries of Our Lives?” Skuld spat.
Cass shrugged as the Sue pontificated about how badly she was being treated, with periodic Attenborough-translations. Finally the inevitable shift came.
After a bubbling, twisting, swirly sort of sensation, the scene composed itself into… nothing. Blank whiteness again, populated only by two agents, a small sulking gorilla, a badly mischaracterised Legolas and Sue2.
“Time jump,” Skuld explained before she could ask. “We've gone forward a week, apparently.”
“Leg's I'm pretty sure it is bad to be married to you!” Sue2 was saying.
Cass covered her ears and loudly sang, “I can't hear you abusing the English language in such an awful way! Lalalalalalalala!”
A minute or two later Skuld began shaking her. “It gets worse than this. Better get used to it,” she warned.
Cass shut up. It was, after all her first day on the job. She remembered how much she'd wanted to make a good impression on her new partner. “Sorry.”
“That's okay,” Skuld replied, as the scene shifted to princess-Sue's bedroom. “You can tune it out after a while.”
”Knock, knock,” Darth Vader boomed.
“Who is it?” the Sue asked
“Servant My Lady, I have come to check on you!” Sue2 called from the other side of the door.
Both agents rolled their eyes. “You'd think they'd recognise each other's voices, wouldn't you?” Cass observed.
The Sue, not recognising her counterpart's voice, gasped theatrically when Legolas and Sue2 entered. “Anna, Legolas, what are you doing here, where is the servant girl?”
“And she still doesn't catch on,” Skuld muttered.
Another Sue-whine ensued, culminating in the Sue's apologising for her actions to Legolas during her last apology to him. And then she whined some more about her Dondel's betrayal. And then she whined about how she should've listened to her mother.
The agents had had enough. “Can we skip forward a bit?” Cass asked.
“Yeah,” Skuld replied, grimacing. “Actually, as does the Sue. She and Legolas begins riding together and he discovers she isn't 'tuff' like she pretends to be.”
“That sounds like a Sesame character,” Cass muttered as the scenery changed to Mirkwood forest and Legolas rambling on and on about the Sue's beauty, with random Old English here and there.
“Nothing says love like Old English,” Skuld commented, while snickering. “Here comes the Orcs, appearing out of nowhere and for no good reason. Poor evil. It's always so stupid when Sues are around.”
Indeed, though managing to hit the Sue (not hard, considering that she lit up in an attempt to look 'radiant'), the Orcs were no match for Legolas, falling out of the trees like leaves. And then he turned into a road.
“What the..?” Skuld muttered, as Cass put on her glasses again.
“I road as hard as I could to get back to the castle, except if felt as if I would never get there,” Cass quoted of the Words and both agents stifled a laugh.
“I road, indeed. Fabulous. Ah, he's near the castle. Cue agonised cry…”
“Andrial No!! You can't Leave Me. NOOO!”
“There we go, complete with more Random Capitalisation,” Skuld finished, and yelped as a bed suddenly sprung out of the earth and they found themselves in bed with Legolas.
“Bet this would be any Legolas-Sue's fantasy,” Cass sighed as she jumped off the bed, nearly slipping at the marble floor as she landed. “Marble floors? In an Elven palace?”
Skuld didn't answer, being busy hissing at the sudden tense shifts as a servant and Legolas chatted on, with ever-helpful David translating. Legolas naturally rushed to the Sue's side, gushing on so much even the marble floors seemed to grumble in disgust.
“Gah. You want to charge her when we go for it?” Skuld asked as Legolas had begun polishing the Sue's hand for no good reason.
“I'd love to,” Cass replied, feeling a nervous tingle. Her first charging.
Thranduil had entered meanwhile, embracing his son.
“At least it isn't one of those fics,” Skuld said cheerfully.
“We should be thankful for small mercies, I suppose. My Mum always says that.”
Faced with a comatose Sue, Legolas (predictably) decided that he must have her for a wife.
“I guess they're much more attractive when they're asleep,” Cass noted.
Thranduil offered the odd helpful comment, like, “Yeah, but the female mind works strangely. I know, your mother was like that!”
“Legolas, Help Me. Legolas….NOO!” Screamed Andrial out of no where.
“No, help us,” Skuld muttered.
“I'm right here melamin, uuma dela!” Legolas exclaimed.
Cass and Skuld waited for David's translation, but none came. “She must've forgotten,” Cass shrugged.
For no apparent reason, the Sue began hitting Legolas' neck. Skuld shugged as if nothing more would surprise her. Still wearing the glasses, Cass explained, “'she rapped her arms around my neck'. That's gotta be one of the more creative homophones I've seen so far.”
“Oh King Thranduil, I have the worst dizziness imaginable. Surely there is something the healers can do for me??” the Sue whined, with a redundant question mark.
Cass said it first. “How about a bullet?”
“Too good for her,” Skuld muttered.
She whined then about wanting to be in her own room, and then whined about her poor sore leg and how she couldn't possibly walk. Both agents watched in disgust as her 'poor little woman' routine got the desired result—Legolas offered to carry her to her room.
No trip appeared to ensue; instead the scene just changed to the Sue's room. What happened next both disgusted and fascinated the agents.
“Do you think she meant for that to happen?” Cass asked.
Skuld threw her hands up in the air. “Probably not. It seems a little out of character, even for her. Lend me the glasses?”
Cass handed them over, and Skuld put them on, scanning the words. “Ah, here's your problem word. 'I laid her upon her bed.'”
“There's no excuse for bad grammar, really!” Cass complained, sure that the scene they had just witnessed would be imprinted on her brain forever.
“I've seen worse things,” Skuld replied, just a hint of ominousness in her voice. Cass decided she was better off not asking.
The door burst open, and Sue2 came in, charging at her friend like a bull at a red cloth.
“Thank Vala your awake Andrial! You two Legolas, we and have been so worried for both of you.”
“I could almost weep,” Skuld muttered, patting KKC while Sue2 rambled on. “Canon errors, comma errors, grammar errors, confused words, missing words.. All wrapped nicely in a bow. How nice.”
“Hey, she's leaving this evening,” Cass remarked, having listened to the very confusing (and occasionally translated dialogue).
“Oh, wheee,” Skuld said dryly. “Relived her usefulness to our main Sue, has she? Well, she'll need an escort out of Mirkwood…To make sure she never returns.”
While Sue2 had gone to get some water, the Sue and Legolas had started some ramblings about 'feelings'. Not proper feelings, of course, but rather the sugar-dripping, insulin-introducing, honey-dipped 'feelings' of Sue-quality.
Of course, to stretch the plot out, Sue2 interrupted at a crucial moment, bringing the Sue a flask of cold liquid.
“Time to move,” Skuld declared, straightened up and walked over to Sue2. “Anna, I am…. Pepsispritewen of Lothlórien. This is my friend Colafantadriel. Lady…”
Skuld stopped for a moment, grinding her teeth. “Excuse me - Queen Galadriel has requested that we escort you back to Lothlórien. For your safety, naturally.”
“Oh,” Sue2 replied, looking baffled for a second, as her brain struggled to catch up with two strange elves suddenly becoming visible, yet she had known they were there all along. Then she brightened. “Of course, you arranged this, Legs!”
'Sue-logic at work,' Cass thought with a sigh.
Poor Legolas looked baffled also, but she seemed to take his silence as acknowledgement.
“We must leave now, Lady Anna,” Cass hastened to add, making a note to wash her tongue later for calling a Sue 'Lady'.
Sue2 followed the two agents out of the room in blissful ignorance.
'Colafantadriel' turned to 'Pepsispritewen'. “So how do we normally do this?” she asked.
"We charge, we kill," Skuld simply replied. "Oy, Sue!"
Sue2 turned, blissfully unaware, and met a fist, then the ground.
"Now we charge," Skuld declared, cracking her knuckles.
Cass couldn't help the elated grin that crept onto her face. “Annadella, or whatever your name is, you have been charged with conspiring to distort canon, mutilating grammar, not knowing the difference between plural and possessive, and, most seriously, shortening the noble name of Legolas into 'Legs' and 'Legsy'. How do you plead?”
The Sue's mouth opened and closed in shock. Cass turned to Skuld again. “Do we say 'how do you plead?',” she asked.
Skuld shrugged. “It hardly matters, since we're gonna kill her either way.”
Cass nodded, agreeing. “Good point.” She turned back to the Sue. “Well, do you have anything to say before the sentence of death is carried out?” she asked, trying to sound official.
“HELP ME! Legs!” the Sue screamed, before another fist meet her face and the sound died away.
“You will - not – call Legolas, son of Thranduil, hero of Helm's Deep, one of the Nine and a damn fine specimen of Elf 'Legs',” Skuld said slowly, and reached for her bow. “Now run.”
The Sue did just that, getting all of three feet before KKC tackled her. The infuriated gorilla stomped on her, pressing the Sue further and further into the floor until it, strangely enough, swallowed her.
“Well, that was new,” Skuld observed. “Thanks, floor.”
KKC looked up. “Ook-ook?”
“And thanks KKC,” Cass hastily added. “Ugh, now we have to go back to that horrid other Sue, don't we?”
“Yep,” Skuld replied. Don't worry, we can get her soon. Very soon.” She cackled quietly to herself as she planned the demise of horrid-Sue.
Time fast forwarded about two months, leaving the agents feeling rather ill. The scene resolved into a very vague sort of a room. About the only thing that could be made out was a shelf in the corner of the room with a box on it.
“Such thrilling scenery,” Cass commented. “What's in the box, anyway?”
“The Words do not tell,” Skuld said, tip-toeing by Legolas as the Elven Prince rambled on to his friend, 'Pergolas' after handing over the box. Skuld immediately cracked it open, obviously not fond of cautious approaches. “Let's see… Oh dear.”
“What is it?”
Cass couldn't resist curiosity, and passed Legolas and Pergolas (damn Sue and their naming!), resisting the urge to shake Legolas back to Canon. Soon. Very soon.
“Yep,” Skuld replied grimly. “She has stolen the good words of the Elves. No wonder they all speak like Bananas in Pyjamas.”
“Aww, Legolas. I'm sorry this is happening. I know you have strong feeling for her and all,” Pergolas was saying.
“He's obviously B2,” Skuld snorted.
“And Legolas is B1.”
“Yep. Good ole Bananas in Pyjamas. I used to…” Skuld started, and nearly yelped as Pergolas morphed into Anna. “What the…?”
“Yeah, I do. However, obviously she does not feel the way I do! Anna I really think she's the one. I mean The One!” Legolas exclaimed.
“Dear Eru, she made the Sue reappear!” Cass shuddered.
“That's funny Legs, I mean of course she's the one. You are marrying her after all silly,” Anna replied.
“That is not want I meant, Ann, and you know it. I mean if we weren't arranged to be married. I would still think and feel this way even if it were different!” Legolas whined, and then thankfully Anna morphed back into Pergolas.
Legolas did not notice, for he had wandered onto the suddenly appearing balcony, and naturally, spotted the Sue.
“Here we go,” Skuld said darkly. KKC grunted enthusiastically.
Cass looked ahead at the words, and shuddered again. “We're up to that scene, aren't we?”
Skuld nodded sagely. “Got your charge-list ready?”
“Yep. Cass picked up a pebble from a convenient plothole and began sharpening her dagger on it.
Legolas and the agents watched as the miserable-looking Sue was joined by a faceless figure at the window.
“Hmm,” Skuld mused. “So, she's about to be raped, but instead of calling for help, she just stands at the window with the guy looking miserable.”
“Couldn't she accomplish the same thing by yelling 'Save me, Legolas'?” Cass asked, dumbfounded.
“Hey Perry, something came up, I have to get going!” Legolas said, literally running out of the room. The agents followed him through various corridors until he collided with another faceless figure, which eventually resolved itself into a female elf.
“Lila, I'm so sorry. I was in a bit of a rush, as you can tell!” Legolas apologised, apparently recognising her.
“Lila?” Cass frowned. “Well that explains it. The author is a Sweet Valley High reader.”
“Quelle surprise,” Skuld said, rolling her eyes at the mindless dialogue between Lila and Legolas. “There's always the Elven tramp, trying to steal the Prince.”
Legolas was naturally filled with only concern for his 'future Queen', though if he was in such a hurry one would think he wouldn't have even stopped to have the little chat.
“I was, until I thought about how I get to marry the most enchanting elf in the entire kingdom. I wouldn't think of having anyone else as my Queen!” Legolas gushed.
“Well, the enchanting ones, always leave the companion with a broken heart!” Lila replied. KKC nearly took a dive at her, but was held back by Skuld.
“Poor KKC. Such comma abuse to be endured,” Cass said sadly, wincing at the dialogue.
“Well, court ladies always has the most experience but never chosen as a mate, more thought of as a play mate!”
“How rude, even for a Prince. Good Day your Highness!” and with that Lina stormed off, and disappeared into the Cloud of Oblivion (aka the-author-forgot). Legolas charged on, agents in hot pursuit. Barging into the door, he widened his eyes dramatically at the scene.
The Sue was being raped.
The Sue, the rapist and Legolas all turned to stare at the (suddenly appearing) Elf in the doorway, looking mighty enraged.
“That's enough!” the Elf added, patting the gorilla by her side. “By the authority vested in me, Agent Skuld Taipan of the PPC, Special Sue Unit, I declare this utterly un-Canonical. Agent Orange?”
Cass felt an evil grin spread over her face as she began. “Andrial-Sue. You have been charged with being an obvious Sue by having the same name as the author. Furthermore, you are charged with distorting Mirkwood, annoying KKC, being the second daughter of Galadriel, and of elevating Lorien to the level of a kingdom, which it is not. And not to mention the tense and point-of-view shifting which on several occasions caused KKC to bump his head. And believe me, when he bumps his head, he gets really mad.” She turned to the other elf, Agent Taipan. “Did I forget anything?”
“Wait a moment!” Legolas interrupted, looking confused. “What's going on here? Who are you people and what are you doing in my father's abode?”
“Ooh, I almost forgot.” Cass pulled what looked like a pen from her pocket. “Look at me please, Legolas.”
Frowning, but unable to help himself, Legolas did so.
Cass pressed a small button on the back of the “pen” and a flash went off, momentarily blinding Legolas.
“Hey!” the Elf began, then his face slacked.
“That's that thingy from Men in Black!” Skuld exclaimed. “What are you doing with it?”
“Nicked it from the Crossover Department. They'd repossessed it. It's been modified to re-canonise.”
“Impressive,” Skuld muttered, eyeing the “pen”. “But give me fair warning the next time, would you? I like my eyesight.”
“Hey!” the Sue called. “This is my scene!”
“Actually, it is not,” Cass replied.
“But, but…” the Sue protested, stomping her feet. “I was just…”
The Thesaurus made a nice thump as it made contact with her head and the Sue fell like a sack of bricks to the floor. KKC squeaked enthusiastically, and stomped on her.
“You wanted the ears?” Skuld asked, then turned her attention to Legolas and the 'rapist', while Cass gleefully knelt down by the knocked-out Sue.
“Legolas, you had a horrible dream. So did you, not-named-rapist I will call Carl. Carl, you are an Elf. Do Elves rape?”
“Nooooo…” Carl said hesitantly.
“Goodo. Legolas, do Elves gush?”
“No,” Legolas replied immediately.
“Canon is back!” Skuld declared happily, kicking the Sue in the shin. “Got the ears?”
Cass looked up, an eerie glint in her eye. “Almost.” She turned back to the Sue, who had begun to wake up. As awareness returned to her, the Sue screwed up her face in pain, and then, observing the gleeful smile and the blood-dripping knife aimed at her other ear, promptly fainted.
Skuld frowned, a little disturbed by her partner's eagerness.
“OK, done,” Cass chirped. The evil glint was gone, though her hands were now covered in blood. The ears were sealed in a plastic bag in Cass's pocket. “Now you can kill her. But I'd prefer it if you woke her up first. More fun that way.”
Skuld smiled. “I think we're just about to hit another POV shift…”
There was a crack of bone and a short scream.
“Interesting,” Cass observed. “I didn't think you could actually melt into a tree like that.”
“There's a first for everything,” Skuld said simply, and snapped her fingers. A portal appeared. “Take her feet.”
“Where are we going?” Cass asked, hoisting up the feet. The infused wood added to the weight and she struggled not to drop the body (not that it would do any harm, really)
“You'll see. Tata, Legolas and Carl.”
The two Elves stared after the agents with a look of disbelief and disgust, before canon took hold of their minds once more. The last Cass saw of them had them chatting lively in Elvish, without David translating.
The portal exited in a dark room, and Skuld promptly dropped the Sue's body, dropping a note next to it and heading back through the portal. Cass followed hesitantly.
This time they exited in the homely hallways of the PPC.
“So, you a waffle or bacon person?” Skuld asked, humming softly.
“Bacon. Where did we leave the body, exactly?”
“Oh, with some friends,” Skuld said mysteriously. “I will introduce you sometime. If you're still sane.”
“So what do we do now?” Cass asked.
“Well, if I were you, I would wash your hands.”
Cass looked down at her hands, still dripping with Sue-blood. They did look rather gruesome.
“Ladies room is down the hall on the left,” Skuld offered helpfully.
Cass headed out the door.
KKC whimpered, and Skuld patted him on the head gently. “It's okay baby. It's over now. Would you like some bacon?”
KKC looked cheered up, but only slightly.
“And I'll cook you some waffles for dessert, how about that?”
“Yep, with cream and butter and syrup, the way you like them.”
“Ook!” KKC bounced happily.
Skuld smiled. All was well.
Until the next Sue attack, of course.
[Cass's A/N: Rape is not trivial! It should not be used as a transparent plot device to get Legolas to fawn over you! If you are going to write about rape, treat the issue with the seriousness and weight it deserves, and not gratuitous hurt/comfort. Or else Agent Orange will be paying you a visit, and you don't want that.]
[Skuld's A/N: Bah! After that one, even I needed waffles. Seriously, how hard is it to RESEARCH and get things RIGHT? It's all there in the books. So is correct grammar, right KKC?]
[KKC's A/N: Ook!]