(A movie theater.  Two figures sit dead centre in the front row.  The first is a rugged character with dark hair, wearing a grey cloak.  On the seat next to him rest a broadsword, a quiver of arrows and a bow. The second is a female elf, with long brown hair, wearing blue jeans, a blue T-shirt and runners.)

Drew: (waves) Welcome to my first MSTing of a Lord of the Rings Fan-fiction.  I would like you all to know that I love classic literature, of which J. J. R. Tolkien’s works definitely are.  I take it rather personally when someone takes it upon themself to recreate his masterpieces without showing the proper respect .  Like my brother, Al’s Waiter, I hate Mary Sue’s and what they do to Tolkien’s characters.  My friend, Miss Cam, found this beauty of a Mary Sue, and although she and the PPC (Protectors of the Plot Continuum) have already dealt with this piece of... work, I did not think it was sufficient punishment.  And, since this is my first MST, I was not confident to tackle it on my own.  I’ve asked my friend to give me a hand (actually, he’s a friend of my brother’s friend).

Aragorn: (nods) Hello.

Drew: Aragorn has decided to help me through this ...(snickers) gem.

Aragorn: (grimly) Yes, you mentioned something about how... “messed off” my family was?

Drew: (to Aragorn) It’s ‘messed _up_.’

Aragorn: Right.  Anyways, I have read the transcript of AW and Legolas’ MST. It seems to be a simple enough concept.  (Turns to Drew, considering) Did you say AW was your brother?  But, he has blue skin, and you do not.  How is
that possible?

Drew: Um, well, you see... Oh, you wouldn’t understand.

Aragorn: Try me.

Drew: He watched a lot of Smurfs episodes when he was little.  It had some unforseen consequences.

Aragorn: You are right.  I do not understand.  Consequences?  And what is Smurfs?

Drew: I’ll tell you later, but the long and the short of it is, his skin turned blue.  It didn’t wash off, either.  He tried.

Aragorn: That is awful.

Drew: Oh, and I wouldn’t mention it to him, either.  He kinda has Smurfs overload, and he goes a little nuts if he thinks about them.  He had to be heavily medicated for a while.  Last time someone mentioned them, he ran around the forest singing, “Lalalalalala lalalalala,” at the top of his lungs for hours.  It wasn’t pretty.  And speaking of ‘not pretty,’ we should get started on the story...  (Calls up to projection room) Ok, Honey, load up fanfiction.net.

Aragorn: Honey?  Is it not too early to be having second breakfast?

Drew: (gives Aragorn a weird look) Do I look like a hobbit to you?  (Turns back to the screen) Brace yourself.

We Cannot Be

Aragorn: Then, by definition, there is no story.  May we leave, now?
Drew: Nope.  Unfortunately, AW has locked the doors.  He said something about ‘turn-about is fair play.’

Summary: A young Elven girl has under gone

Drew: Brain surgery

arranged wedlock

Drew: Oh.

with Lord Elrond

Aragorn: But, Elves do not have arranged marriages...
Drew: I know that, and you know that, but apparently, the author doesn’t.

But she does not love him. Her heart belongs to another

Drew: She has no heart of her own.
Aragorn: That would make her heartless.  I think I am getting the hand of this.
Drew: (to Aragorn) It’s ‘hang of this.’


Drew: (snaps a latex glove on her hand) Now, this might feel slightly odd.
Aragorn: What was that?
Drew: Hmm? Oh, never mind.

It’s a constant struggle

Drew: Mud wresting!


Drew: the mud pit.

herself to remain

Drew: Champion.

faithful to her King

Aragorn: Who?
Drew: Lord Elrond.
Aragorn: (confused) But, he is not a King.
Drew: Just wait.  It gets better... I mean worse.

or true to her heart.

Aragorn: Which she does not own.

WARNING: Do not read if you are uncomfortable with issues dealing with rape, since there will be references to rape in later chapters.

Drew: (author) ANOTHER WARNING:  Reading while submerged can be harmful to your eyes.
Aragorn: (uncomfortable) What did the author mean by that?  What happens?
Drew: (avoids eye contact) Just keep reading.

A/N: This is just the introductory part to familiarise you with Andromielle.

Drew: (voice over guy) With Captain Dylan Hunt and the Starship Andromielle, HOPE LIVES AGAIN.

I did not know any Elvish last names for her

Drew: (author) Never mind that last names were introduced somewhere around 900 (A.D.)...
Aragorn: (author) ...or that elves do not use ‘last names.’

so I took the name of a wild flower, Zinnia, instead!

Drew: (author) So I wouldn’t have to do any research before I started writing this trash... I mean story.

Disclaimer: I do not own any LOTR characters

Aragorn: L.O.T.R.?  Characters??? What is this?
Drew: Um, you and Legolas, and Galadriel and Sauron and Bilbo...actually, pretty much everyone you know, and all of Middle Earth.
Aragorn: But, no one owns us!  Not even the Valar!
Drew: (mutters something about Tolkien)
Aragorn: What was that?
Drew: (hastily) Nothing... oh look, here comes the-


Aragorn: (to Drew) What is a ‘prologue?’
Drew: Once the logue has completed the amateur circuit, he goes pro.

“Father, please, listen to me,” the young Elven maiden

Drew: Whined

begged in vain, knowing her pleas fell upon deaf ears,

Aragorn: If she knows her father is deaf, why is she speaking to him?

“I do not wish for this-”

Drew: (Andromielle, whining) I don’t wanna... I don’t wanna.

“My child,

Aragorn: Aha!  So he is not deaf.  (Puzzled) Why did she say he was?

none of us wish for the way our paths turn out if they are not to our liking,

Both: ???
Drew: (to Aragorn) Did you understand that?
Aragorn: Not a word.

but we must not make a

Drew: (father) soufflé

fuss,” he glanced at his daughter desperately, hoping she would

Drew: Not turn into Katie Kaboom


Andromielle Zinnia,

Drew: Our Starship flower

numb from pleading,

Drew: Ok, that just doesn’t make sense.  You can be numb from grief, exhaustion, or extreme pain, but pleading? Pulease!

just stared straight ahead

Drew: Into the lights of the oncoming train.

not meeting her Father’s gaze. He placed a hand on her shoulder.

Drew: (father) Hello, Thing.

“Lord Elrond has summoned you to him before the hour turns to dawn,”

Aragorn: Elrond is never that vague.

as he said this, he busied himself with saddling the ebony steed

Drew: (Donkey)  He thinks I’m a steed.

which stood proud and tall, ready to carry his mistress

Drew: Ick!

to wherever she pleased.  “‘Tis a marriage of immense

Drew: (father) Inconvenience.

honour and a great privilege upon you,

Aragorn: (to Drew) Should that not read, “privilege _for_ you?”
Drew: (rereads) Yes, otherwise, the ‘privilege’ is a noun that can sit ‘upon’ her shoulders.

my daughter, to know that the King handpicked you

Drew: (father) Out of the Cabbage Patch.

from maidens near and far to become his Queen,”

Aragorn: (to Drew) Is the author going to do that the whole time?
Drew: Do what?
Aragorn: Refer to Lord Elrond’s wife as ‘Queen?’  That will irritate me every time.
Drew: Probably.  Does it help to know it’s not a really long story?
Aragorn: -_-

her Father wove his hand through

Drew: The loom, conveniently stored in the barn.

her silken amaretto

Drew: Amaretto... Isn’t that a coffee flavour?
Aragorn: What is coffee?
Drew: Remember Calen?  Her Maltakáno.
Aragorn: Mmm. Maltakáno... Do you have any?
Drew: Not with me, but we can send ‘Honey’ out for Timmy’s later.

hair, as he had done many a time when Andromielle had been a small child.  Seemingly  unaffected by this familiar act of comfort, Andromielle’s gaze bore straight

Drew: Through the trees in front of her, creating great holes in their trunks.

onto the road ahead of her.  “Andromielle, you have been bought up to hold respect for the

Aragorn: (father) trees. Stop that.

others around you. I have no doubt that you will

Aragorn: (father) Make Lord Elrond’s life as miserable as you have made mine.

hold true to this decree of marriage,” the old elf,

Aragorn: Since when are Elves called ‘old?’
Drew: (shrugs)

weary pinching his tired features,

Both: (pause)
Both: ??

looked at his daughter, an overwhelming sorrow befell his heart


as he felt the bitter grief deep within her.

Drew:  It’s not a tumour.

“‘Til our next meeting, my daughter,” he sighed miserably when

Aragorn: He realized they would have to meet again.

she did not offer a mere smile in acknowledgement.  Andromielle tugged lightly at the reins of Mallith,

Drew: (Andromielle) Steeds is so stupid.

whispering audible words

Aragorn: As opposed to inaudible whispers.

for her Father to hear,

Drew: (Andromielle) Good night, sleep well.  I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

“I will keep this vow to undergo marriage with the King

Aragorn: (shifts uncomfortably in his seat but says nothing)

I respect so. You speak of such honour and privilege upon me, but did you not stop to think that I would

Drew: (Andromielle) Be back.

be depriving my King of the one thing I cannot give him?”

Aragorn: (Andromielle) That soufflé you would not let me make.

“What is that?” came the emotional

Drew: (author) Disembodied

voice behind her.  “My heart,”

Both: (burst out laughing)
Aragorn: (author) Because I have no heart to give.
Drew: (starts humming If I Only Had a Heart)

she barely whispered, as she dugs her heels into

Aragorn: The ground, preparing for a tantrum.

Mallith and made sure she did not look back.

Aragorn: (disappointed) But where was the tantrum?
Drew: (stretches) See.  It isn’t that bad.  We’ve made it through the prologue.  Only five more chapters to go.  (Kicks off her runners and curls up in the seat.) You may as well get comfy.
Aragorn: Comfy?
Drew: Comfortable.  It’s only going to get worse from here.
Aragorn: (sighs) Did you not mention Maltakáno?  I feel a head ache coming.
Drew: Soon. (calls to projection booth) Honey, could you get us some Maltakáno?
Honey: (from the window) But I can’t leave the projector.
Drew: Then send AW, or one of his friends.
Honey: Alright, yours is double-double, and Aragorn?
Aragorn: Black.
Drew: (gags)
Honey: Ok, AW says it’ll be here by the end of chapter one.
Drew: Thanks, Hun.  (Blows kiss)
Aragorn: (gags)
Honey: I’m starting the words again....
Both: (sigh)
Drew: Okay, shoot.

Chapter 1: Daily Routines

Drew: Often drive one insane.

Many months had passed as Legolas rode deep into Rivendell.

Drew: (to herself) How many months does it take to get to the centre of a Rivendell?

The hour had drawn late.

Drew: Picture it: a clock, painting at an easel.

Dismounting his loyal stallion,

Drew: (disappointed) He doesn’t have a steed?

the fair Prince of Northern Mirkwood

Drew: A.k.a. our hero.

wound his way around the curving Elvish pillars

Drew: (Legolas) Stupid Rivendell obstacle course.

leading up to the House of Elrond.  He knew this place like the back of his hand;

Aragorn: Let me see... four fingers, a thumb, one freckle...

the familiar earthy smell,

Drew: Mmm, dirt, worms...
Aragorn: Dead leaves.

the cascading splendour of buildings

Aragorn: Rippling down on the rocks.
Drew: Smashing at the bottom.

and the like,

Drew: totally awesome fountains,

the shimmering waterfalls,

Aragorn: Which Elrond like to go over in barrels for fun on the weekend.

the people –

Aragorn: Elves.
Drew: Elves are people, too.

– friends dear to both himself and his Father, King Thranduil.  “Ah, Legolas,” upon his arrival,

Aragorn: Legolas collapsed, famished.

Lord Elrond greeted him joyously, “I have been awaiting your presence since sunrise.

Drew: (snickers) Three months ago.

Tell me, how does my old friend, Thranduil, fare?”

Drew: (Legolas) Oh, you know Dad, he eats everything he can get his hands

“Life is treating him graciously,”

Aragorn: (Legolas) It’s good to be King, not like you would know about that.

Legolas informed politely with a smile. “I also hear there have been tidings of joy

Drew: (Legolas) Which shall be to all people...oh, sorry, wrong story.

in my absence,”

Aragorn: (Legolas) As, I do not live here.

said he, eyes sparkling, “‘Tis most wonderful news –

Drew: (Legolas) Gandalf is a mother!

– my Father was most overjoyed to hear

Aragorn: (holding in laughter) Of the birth.

of your marriage to Queen Andromielle.”

Aragorn: (let down)  Oh.

Lord Elrond’s eyes grew misty

Drew: (Meteorologist) And today we can expect some foggy patches...

and distant as Legolas spoke her name. “She is as radiant as the morning.

Drew: (groans) Oh, I hate mornings.

Her kind soul excels even the brightness of that belonging to the Sun,”

Drew: (Legolas) So, do I need my Raybands?

he spoke slowly, trying not to become distracted by

Aragorn: The blinding glare from Legolas' teeth.

the image of her beauty.  Legolas suppressed a grin of mirth as he noticed

Aragorn: That Elrond had his robe on backwards.

the look of lust on the old King’s face.

Aragorn: Old King?  Thranduil is there?

“I shall have to shield my eyes for hope of escaping blindness when we are finally to meet,” he smiled, in jest.

Both: (look at each other, then burst out laughing)
Drew: (wiping tears away) I can’t believe she wrote that in!

Lord Elrond seemed not to notice the jovial words of the younger Elf as his mind clouded with desire at the mere thought of Andromielle.

Drew: Elrond's turned into an old lech!
Aragorn: (shudders)


Andromielle had found out that being a Queen was not something to be taken lightly,

Drew: Unlike my soufflés, which are light and creamy.

especially when narrowed eyes were constantly watching her;

Drew: (Andromielle) Like that painting.  I’m sure its eyes are following me.

scrutinising her every

Drew: Sentence.
Aragorn: (grins) Like us.

act, waiting for her to perform

Aragorn: A poetry reading

just one of her duties wrong so that they could take the delight in correcting her.

Aragorn: May I correct her, please?  With my sword, perhaps?

Nevertheless, not everyone had been like that;

Drew: Some had been outright nasty.

in fact many of her subjects had been most welcoming and amiable to Andromielle.

Aragorn: While being inwardly nasty.

Lord Elrond was indeed no exception.

Aragorn: Elrond was inwardly nasty?

He had been more than pleasant to his new Queen,

Aragorn: So pleasant, in fact, that he sang in the halls.
Drew: (shudders) And he doesn't have the Elvish singing gene.

attending to her every whim and need;

Drew: (Elrond) Watermelon and cram again? It’s three a.m.  Is there something you’re not telling me?

although she wished he did not create quite a fuss.

Drew: (Andromielle) I can brush my own teeth, you know.

“Queen Andromielle,”

Drew: (to Aragorn) I’m still not sure how to pronounce her name.

that oh-so-infuriating shrill voice that Andromielle had grown accustomed to,

Aragorn: Another disembodied voice?
Drew: (voice) Oh, Seymore!

much to her dismay, over the past few months rang out behind her,  “Your Majesty should not wander about by herself.

Drew: (oh-so-infuriating shrill voice) But if you must wander, take this mace.

It is simply not how things are done. ”

Drew: (oh-so-infuriating shrill voice) THIS is how it’s done: hold the mace like this and -
Aragorn: Swing!
Drew: Spray!
Both: (pause, look at each other in confusion)

“Then perhaps it is time for some new rules,”

Drew: (Andromielle) Like, when I tag you, you have to hop around on one foot until you touch three pillars with your nose.

muttered Andromielle under her breath, as she cast a sidelong glance at the puff-cheeked imperious old woman,

Aragorn: (confused) Who?
Drew: (shrugs)

one of her Ladies-in-waiting.

Drew: Oh.
Aragorn: Should she not have an Elven maiden as a ‘Lady-in-Waiting’, if she must have a servant?

“Perpetua, I am most acquainted to having the will to move freely of my own accord.

Aragorn: (Andromielle) See, right foot in, right foot out, right foot in.
Drew: (Andromielle, singing) And shake it all about.

Back at my home, I have freedom to do as I please . . . ”

Drew: (Andromielle) Because I was a spoiled little Elf who made her father’s life miserable if he didn’t...”

she stopped when the stout little woman interrupted her.  “May I remind you, that back at your home you were a simple Elven girl.

Drew: (produces a thesaurus out of nowhere, reads) Simple, as in witless, unstudied, brainless and silly.

Now you are a Queen under the roof of gracious Lord Elrond. Things are performed quite differently here,”

Aragorn: (Lady Perpetua) Like this: LEFT hand in, LEFT hand out...

Lady Perpetua sniffed in self-arrogance.

Drew: Self-arrogance?  Isn’t that a little repetitive?
Aragorn: (nodding) Redundant, even.

‘This is a prison,’ thought Andromielle dejectedly,

Aragorn: Actually, Rivendell was a lovely home, an epicenter for art, culture, music and forgotten lore.  No one was ever forced to do anything against their will.

‘and I am to be trapped here until my very death.’

Drew: (jumps out of her seat, screaming at the screen) ELVES DON’T DIE!!!!  (Sits down, panting, shaking, holding in sobs)
Aragorn: (pats Drew on shoulder) Remember, this IS only a story.
Drew: (head in her hands, breathing deeply) I know, but it’s so wrong.

Grudgingly, Andromielle let Lady Perpetua lead her back to her bedchambers to be concealed, once again,

Drew: (Lady Perpetua) Make-UP! (Runs in with a giant powder puff, smacking Andromielle in the face) You should really use a facial scrub to deal with those blemishes, dear.

within the suffocating fortress of luxurious satin and elegant oak panelled walls.

Aragorn: Satin and oak panels?  Has Elrond been redecorating?  Rivendell was quite organic last time I was there.

Even the statues of graceful beings that were placed ceremoniously around the room held no positive affect upon her.

Aragorn: So she decided to push them over, smashing them to pieces.

Andromielle longed simply to be wandering the wilderness with only her thoughts for company,

Drew: (Andromielle’s thoughts) Poke people.  Burn things

not to be trapped or restrained against her will mentally in the same daily routine.  Lady Perpetua fussed her way around the spacious bedchamber,

Aragorn: That Elves do not use for sleeping.
Drew: (nods) The beds are just decorative.

talking quickly in short sentences about the arrival of some Prince

Aragorn: (Lady Perpetua, talking quickly)  A prince.  How fun.
Drew: (Lady Perpetua) Bet he’s cute.

and a banquet tonight that was to be held in his honour.

Aragorn: (Lady Perpetua) Imported cuisine.  Exotic dishes.
Drew (Lady Perpetua) Good food, too.

However, the bossy little woman’s words sounded completely alien to Andromielle’s delicately tipped ears.

Drew: (Lady Perpetua) Nanu Nanu

‘A prince,’ the young Queen thought to herself, suppressing

Drew: The urge to kill the next living creature that walked into her room.

a yawn of disappointment, ‘another night of torturous boredom

Aragorn: (Andromielle) ...reading fanfiction written by authors who really should find a new hobby... like tree planting.

welcoming nobility into Rivendell.’

Aragorn: Bordom and Rivendell - there are two words I never thought I would see together.
Drew: My mother always told me that only boring people get bored.

She sat on her bed, in a trance,

Aragron: Now... when I snap my fingers-

how she despised having to put on a façade

Drew: She found façade's chafe.

to act like someone she wasn’t –

Drew: She was tired of being called Bette Midler.

– sitting quietly, with her hands folded in her lap,

Aragorn: Twiddling her thumbs.

whilst other haughty members of the gentry conversed the superiority of

Drew: Tide over ABC detergent.

Elves above some of the other existent races of Middle Earth (referring mostly to the Dwarfs as they did so.)

Drew: (Elf) Those dwarves smell.
Aragorn: (Elf) And they're so short!
Drew: (Elf) I heard that even their wives have beards...

She knew this Prince was not going to be any different;

Legolas: (wandering in) All right, I have two Maltakáno. One with two cream, two sugar, the other one’s black... (looks up at the screen) Oh, is this not the end of the chapter?
Drew: Nope, you’re a little early.

handsome but arrogant.

Legolas: (reads and sighs) Oh, why me?
Aragorn: Because it is always you.
Drew: Actually, there are quite a few stories about both of you.  Back to this one, please?
Legolas: (sits down beside Drew)

A Prince who took it upon himself to make sure

Drew: That the toilet seat was down.

others knew of his high stature in Elvish society.

Aragorn: (Legolas) Look at me, lowly Elves and admire me for I'm full Elf, unlike some Lords I know...
Legolas: (muttering) Human scum.
Aragorn: That's royal scum to you.
Legolas: I'm royalty too!
Drew: Guys, quit it. I'm trying to feel the pain of this writing, now if you don't mind (puts her finger to her lips)

Andromielle  sighed.  No different from the rest of them.

Drew: (Andromielle) Having pointy ears.... long hair...uh... clothes.... Basically, just Elves.

All three: (wait)
Aragorn: Is that it?  That was a rather abrupt end.
Drew: (snatches the creamed Maltakáno from Legolas, and sips carefully) Why are you complaining? The sooner it’s over, the better. (to Legolas) Thanks.  This is great.
Aragorn: True.
Legolas: Um, do you two need me, or can you handle this on your own?
Drew: (passes Aragorn the other Maltakáno) I think we’re ok, why?
Legolas: Well, because AW was going to teach me how to play Uno.
Drew: (glances at Aragorn for confirmation)
Aragorn: (nods)
Drew: Yeah, go ahead.  We’ll shout if we need you, ok?
Legolas: All right.  (stands)  Drew? Never let a hot actor play you in a movie. It's a more evil fate than death.
Aragorn: (nods vigorously)
Legolas: (runs to the exit) AW?
AW: (muffled)
Legolas: Let me out, please.
AW: (muffled)
Legolas: Yes, they are still in their seats.

(Doors open enough for Legolas to squeeze out, then ominously slam shut.)

Drew: Ok, are you ready for chapter 2?
Aragorn: (sighs) As ready as I will ever be.

Part Two